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Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 393
Independence VS InterdependancePage 20 of 20    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)
I figure the expectation of exclusivity requires such requirements b/c...we have invested something so personal in another person, we want rules to protect ourselves from getting hurt. We want to feel good that we've found a partner, so we want to do what we can to avoid sticking a proverbial knife in that.

I suspect the proper middle ground to be in, is where you aren't invested, you just "are". you're in a state of "be". you haven't invested anything you can't afford to lose. you have the strength to handle whatever life throws at you, so you aren't so worried about what could happen, b/c you are so sure you could handle it. you might not like that you have to handle it, you just know that you could if it comes about.

I could understand middle aged ladies not dating b/c they just don't want to go thru the nonsense mentioned in the post above. I think, tho, some men are in a similar boat. we all want to have fun, to feel good, but...if its a lot of work, then one might just go for the next best way to feel good--putter in the flower garden, tinker in the garage, etc. the difference may be that, a man can grumble about wanting a sexual relationship to be easier to obtain, but if a woman makes the same complaint...I think of all the comedy movies where an older woman blurts out she hasn't gotten laid in a while, and its meant to be an uncomfortable laugh. For example, that scene in the movie "Hitch",what if it had been a man saying that at the speed dating--would it have had the same impact?
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 394
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/10/2015 7:40:09 AM

Maybe those people that are widowed don't automatically look at the opposite sex as the enemy. That might have something to do with why they tend to marry again.

I had noticed the opposite.

All the women I know over 60 who were widowed never remarried and were content to stay single. At least 7 women, they all had happy marriages but weren't interested in dating.

If you aren't interested in dating, then most single men wouldn't even know you exist because a woman not interested in dating isn't going to be on a dating site nor hanging out at single's venues. I only knew these women because they are all friends of my mother.

I do agree, if a woman desires sex, then she is likely to date, find a man and maybe remarry. It's sort of obvious that the desire is going to bring her into more contact with single eligible men a few of which might want to get married.

But overall, I would bet widowed men and women don't get married as often as younger people. Many are content to live out their lives with friends, grandchildren and family.
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 395
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/10/2015 7:57:39 AM
To rennips1949

I'm VERY MUCH beginning to understand why so many over-50 unpartnered ladies are not bothering with dating and relationships.

LOL, When I was "un-partnered", at times meeting/dating, was exhausting, and frustrating. LOL, I would like to find, "The Rules" police, and give them a piece of my mind!

And I'm speaking of ladies who seem to be lively and vital, they like men-they like PEOPLE! They take care of themselves, are well groomed.

LOL, Yes, WE DO exist

I've overheard some conversations that seem to indicate that the current dating and relationship atmosphere is just too damn complicated for many older women.


The man in my life is not "normal" by today's standards. He waited 9 years after his divorce, to seek a new relationship.
Using those 9 years to heal, making personal and financial adjustments. He never learned, "the rules", unwritten or other wise. He was the first man I met in over 5 years who read me like a book, we meshed seamlessly and there is nothing anywhere near "complicated" to our relationship.

I can't completely accept that so many ladies just don't like sex and don't like men.

Good for you! Please do not blindly accept this concept.
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 396
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/10/2015 9:35:06 AM

Using those 9 years to heal, making personal and financial adjustments.

I'm dubious when I hear a tale of a healthy, attractive male that chose celibacy for any lengthy amount of time.

Unless I'm misunderstanding what is meant by healing?

Meh, maybe I'm the one that's no so virtuous...
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 397
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/10/2015 9:48:56 AM
personally, I find some put "sex" high on the list of importance to determine, "am I in love", and others don't. doesn't make one right and the other wrong. As for us "older singles", I think too that we've gotten this far in life being on our own, and if we are "successful" (by our definition), we might ask, "why complicate things?" As my bestie says, she hasn't found a guy worth having to wash the bedsheets over. she happens to have made bad choices, but I get her sentiment. she has a job, a house, her dogs...does she really need a man? She's dated a bunch of guys in the past, so there's nothing "new" out there for her to discover. she doesn't have to make up for lost time.
Joined: 7/14/2014
Msg: 398
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/10/2015 9:59:00 AM

she doesn't have to make up for lost time.

I don't believe it's a matter of making up for lost time as it is the window of opportunity is slowly closing as we grow older to attract or be attractive to the type of person whom may interest us and we them. Aging in and of itself isn't terrible, it's the collateral ramifications that at least for me, are at times difficult to accept. ymmv
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 399
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/10/2015 10:07:53 AM
Well Clooney, LOL, MR Dubious,

It took ME 8 years, after my divorce, to regain my footing. Eight years before I was ready to meet/date/ enjoy a sexual partner.

Whether it's a spouse who no longer chooses to have sex with you or a spouse who cheats on you, either way it positively, hurts like hell!

To some, we prefer to "get over it", heal, adjust, heal, gain a new perspective, heal, lose "the baggage", heal, LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND!

HEAL= To be happy with the person we are presently, and go forward with confidence.

The most important reasons I found my BF, to be a keeper, was due to his lack of bitterness, his positive nature, his ability to laugh at himself, he came with no "baggage" in sight, and last but not least..................LMAO , I'll just leave this to your imagination!
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 400
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/10/2015 10:17:34 AM

It took ME 8 years

While you are undoubtedly attractive, you are absolutely NOT a male :)


Precisely! Yet, it's been my experience that most dates enjoy visiting the past early in the dating game, rather then seeing if my behavior reflects any baggage from my past first.

Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 401
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/10/2015 10:33:58 AM
Awww thank you Clooney, LOL And you are sooooo right, (NOT a male)!

While you are undoubtedly attractive, you are absolutely NOT a male :)

.............most dates enjoy visiting the past early in the dating game,................

Therein lies the crux of anyone dating too soon. A symptom of dating BEFORE allowing for the healing process.

BTW, Mr Dubious sir, you are pretty easy on the eyes, yourself, LOL
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 402
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/10/2015 11:54:18 AM
not everyone in the world can be trusted to do any more than what feels good to them. but if one is so desperate for company that they put their neck on the proverbial chopping block...then they created in themselves a victim. both men and women can make themselves vulnerable to being played by...looking for an unhealthy relationship. they'll either overlook red flags or ignore them entirely. there's a few posts here that begin with the OP stating some uncertainty about a partner, and 50 responses that follow say the same thing--wake the Fck up!

in the end, once we are old enough to be adults, yes...we have to care enough about ourselves, to care a lot about our safety. emotional and otherwise. we have to watch out for ourselves, b/c everyone's too busy watching out for their own selves. unfortunately, the world is a jungle. but jungles can be beautiful. One just needs to keep one's eyes open, and that takes a bit of work until one gets used to it, and then it becomes instinctive. its just like accepting a contractor to work on our house or a mechanic to fix our car or an accountant to do our taxes. we have to read this professional, and decide if they make us feel comfortable in their skill or in their loyalty to us as a customer.
Joined: 3/6/2015
Msg: 403
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/10/2015 2:26:31 PM
In response to msg#474, I'm not speaking of women on dating sites. I'm speaking of women I see/interact with IRL.
Perhaps these forums will end up giving me a distorted picture of the over 50 "re-pairing" scene?

What I've noticed, is that it is widowed men who often seem to "re-pair" quite quickly, moreso than widowed women.
Now, how these remarrying men are finding women to so quickly marry is what puzzles me. As I've stated before, I am not going to go down the route of "predation"-seeking out women in need of rescue, and I'm not going to enter into a marriage of convenience having to do with insurance or retirement benefits,

Mostly the "re-pairings" I've seen with widowed men seem to be with women of similar age and background.

Maybe I'm just over-thinking the matter.

I want to pair up with a woman because we both WANT to, not a matter of solving practical problems.

I can't fully buy into the idea that these over-50 ladies are ALL fed up with men/relationships, that they don't like men and don't like sex.
And I'm certainly not accusing these women of only choosing "bad boys" or passing over "nice guys". They just aren't dating anybody. And YES, I do see a fair number of unpartnered over-50 men that are not sick, ugley, short&broke, that are not dating either.
I realize that a strong motivator is no longer in play, most folks over 50 aren't looking to have babies and raise them.
But still it seems that there woud be much to recommend "re-pairing"-companionship, mutual emotional support,etc -and I'm sure that these things could be also found in a non-cohabiting LTR.
Ladies, we aren't ALL looking for "nurses with purses", sexual objects,sock drawer re-arrangers, maids,hostesses and social secretaries.
Some of us still believe in love.
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 404
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/10/2015 7:10:50 PM

What I've noticed, is that it is widowed men who often seem to "re-pair" quite quickly, .....

In March, 2014, the wife of a couple, friends of the family, died. From her diagnosis of terminal cancer, to her death, it was less than 3 months.

This couple married in their early twenties (early 1970's) and were well suited/happy during their marriage. In the last few years they built a new, very nice home on the river.

Three weeks after the wife died, her husband was contacted by a former high school class mate, living in California. At some point this woman then moved to Colorado, the widowed husband went to see her, he went to California to do a job, AND at Christmas time (Dec 2014) he returned to this area, to visit with his grown children, grand children and friends.

It was on the drive back to the airport that he informed his daughter, "Oh, by the way, this lady and I were married in October. Hope you don't mind. And would you and your husband like to live in the new house? I will not be returning to this area to live with my new wife".

To his daughter, he stated, "I loved your mother and we were very happy. I don't know how to be alone, I only know how to be married".
Joined: 6/2/2015
Msg: 405
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/10/2015 7:48:54 PM
The same happened to an older friend of mine only my friend is a woman and was divorced and in a singing group with my wife. They were high school sweethearts that went seperate ways after graduation. He contacted her after his wife died and came a callin. They hadn't seen each other in 35 years. They haven't been apart since, he moved from the east coast to here and they have laughed and loved each other every day for the past 5 years. I'm more reserved and I'm not in a hurry and I was happy. We are all different. I have read many articles about those that had a long and happy marriage until death seem to be very open to a new relationship quicker than someone that divorced, other than those that already had a replacement on the side.
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 406
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/10/2015 8:14:47 PM

I don't know how to be alone, I only know how to be married

This statement really struck a chord with me.

Despite being married many times, I've been married most of my adult life since I was 20.

That guy may actually be pretty simple. Love him and he'll provide for you.

None of this complicated 21st century crap that's sending shock waves thru the forums, lol.

See, I've touched that hot stove a few times. He hasn't....
Joined: 3/16/2015
Msg: 407
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/10/2015 9:15:37 PM
^ Yanno something? After reading this page again, and your post I think the opposite might be true. Are a few of us so able to provide for ourselves, so simple in what we actually need, that we complicate relationships to avoid having long term partners?
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 408
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/10/2015 9:42:08 PM

Are a few of us so able to provide for ourselves, so simple in what we actually need, that we complicate relationships to avoid having long term partners?

Wait...are you asking if some men really just need sex, and women a helicopter ride once in awhile?

No way!
Joined: 3/16/2015
Msg: 409
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/11/2015 1:52:34 PM
^That's NOT what I said, even though it may be applied. Take it for what you will.
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 410
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/11/2015 2:57:33 PM
Oops....posted on the wrong thread. Pardon me. :)
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 411
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 6/22/2015 10:59:18 PM
Really? she may end up a damaged or dead woman if she doesnt.
I said "smart woman". It doesn't even take a great deal of intelligence to figure out how to meet someone safely.

I think we are kind of saying the same thing. Its just not all women want the same thing just as not all men want the same thing. Its not so much about foreseeing the future but being with someone who you want to be with and engaging in sex in a way that she chooses. Which might not be the same as engaging in sex as dictated to her by men who dont find her circumstances appealling.
You really don't get it. I said nothing about what anyone may or may not want where sex is concerned. I stated what ought to be simple common sense in ensuring that whatever it is you want, you get it. Sex is not a relationship. If you insist that the two be tied together, then accept the reality that goes with it instead of complaining about the difficulty you have with dating. However, I don't really think you get it.

Im not saying anything like that. Im saying some women are more vulnerable to being played.
Then, what you are saying is exactly what I said. Those women are psychologically unfit to make decisions about sex. If you are mentally competent, you know that the decision to have sex is yours and yours alone. Either say yes knowing that you have no way to predict what will happen five minutes later or say no until you're either willing to accept the possible consequences of saying yes or you learn to predict the future.

If only that happened in the real world. If a mistake is made its predominantly the woman who faces it, often on her own whilst also trying to manage hes moaning that he lost it all and wow how much does it all cost.
It is that way in the real world and if you really believe your own pr, then it would be irresponsible to make your decisions based on knowing that.
Joined: 4/11/2015
Msg: 412
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 7/7/2015 6:44:19 AM
I agree with you op.
Id even go as far as adding how allowing yourself to be vulnerable is important to what you are saying as well.

Saw two ted talk by brene brown last month that is changing my views on this topic..
The power of vulnerability
Listening to shame
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