Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Independence VS Interdependance      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 newoldgirl
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 101
Independence VS InterdependancePage 5 of 20    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

I will wait for the movie, "Interdependence Day" to come out and compare it "Independence Day" to see the pros and cons of each.


Sounds like a tearjerker! LOL
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 102
view profile
History
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 4/28/2015 8:30:27 PM
I've been independent so long, I don't know if I could ever become interdependent.
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 103
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 4/29/2015 12:47:04 AM
How about, do you actually look for a person who has strengths and weaknesses that compliment your own?
--------------------------------
Why would I do that? I looked for people I found attractive and interesting.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 104
view profile
History
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 4/30/2015 4:12:06 AM

whether the glass is half full, or fully full...it will eventually empty.

Only a fool refuses to drink. because one day it will be empty....


Nice cliché...but the reality is that all humans are running on observational and experiential learning....When someone has experienced enough or too much loss when 'drinking', that CAN become associated with a negative such as pain...That is completely normal...

It also takes a tremendous amount of courage to talk yourself into 'drinking' again....as evidenced by so MANY 'bitter biscuits' even just here on the forums...

Especially because you CAN live without 'drinking'...or loving others....It is NOT a requirement for Life....For QUALITY of Life, perhaps, but not to actually LIVE....


Why would I do that? I looked for people I found attractive and interesting.


Because someone who is 'attractive and interesting' can also be a really BAD match for you....

One of the main reasons that I've spent a good deal of time trying to understand my relationship patterns is so that I DON'T end up in one of those 'fatal attraction' type scenarios, where the chemistry and attraction are WILD, and just as destructive...

Kind of applies when discussing the necessity of knowing 'how' we love and what love is, as well...

We see it here on the forums all of the time, just how differently that people may interpret the exact SAME word...
So, when using a word like 'love' I knew that it was important to know for myself, what, exactly that MEANT, so that when I said it to someone I would know not only what I was saying, but what that means to me....

I've met people that 'love' others within weeks of knowing each other, and will insist that IS what they mean...By knowing what that word means to THEM, it makes it easier to know whether or not we are on the same page.....
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 105
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 4/30/2015 7:44:07 AM


It also takes a tremendous amount of courage to talk yourself into 'drinking' again....as evidenced by so MANY 'bitter biscuits' even just here on the forums...


I must be the bravest man on Earth.

Thanks for reminding me. I need to get to the recycling place later on.
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 106
view profile
History
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 4/30/2015 11:19:53 AM
The way i look at it is that you don't *need* each other in the sense that you couldn't get by on your own, but you do need to feel that you make a difference in a partners life, that they don't depend on you but know you are there for them and that they can rely on you, that you want to do things for each other and more importantly that both parties will let that happen.
I know what you mean about them saying if they left your life tomorrow they thought you probably wouldn't miss them that much, i've been there and it is a bit of a killer, not so much wanting someone to let down their guard and be vulnerable so much as wanting a sign that they feel like they *can* be vulnerable with you, that they're not always waiting for you to let them down or leave.

So yes, i do think it's something that is necessary. :)
 Fabreezey
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 107
view profile
History
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/1/2015 7:28:17 PM

The way i look at it is that you don't *need* each other in the sense that you couldn't get by on your own, but you do need to feel that you make a difference in a partners life, that they don't depend on you but know you are there for them and that they can rely on you, that you want to do things for each other and more importantly that both parties will let that happen.


Being overly dependent is no worse than being overly independent. They both result in what could be termed as unhealthy relationship dynamics. I think when you take responsibility for your own life you tend to see life as complete with or without someone to share it with. I don't need to feel I make a difference in my partner's life... but I do need to feel I make a worthwhile difference in my own. We are both very much part of each other's lives whilst acknowledging that we have separate lives.
Who knows whether this is interdependency or not? What I do know is that I have peace of mind... at last!
 Fabreezey
Joined: 1/4/2014
Msg: 108
view profile
History
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/2/2015 4:52:40 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nCTtcq8Fhw

Is she kidding herself? :)

I like you, and I like you to like me to like you
But I don't need you, don't need you to need me to like you
Because if you didn't like me, I would still like you, you see
la lala... la lala...

I lick you, and I like how you like how I lick you
But I don't need you, don't need you to like me to lick you
If your pleasure turned into pain, I would still lick for my personal gain
la lala... la lala...

I **** you, and I love how you love how I **** you
But I don't ****ing need you, don't need you to need me to **** you
If you need me to need you to ****, that ****s everything up
la lala... la lala...

I want you, and I want you to want me to want you
But I don't need you, don't need you to need me to need you

That's just me, so take me or leave me
But please don't need me, don't need me to need you to need me
'Cause we're here a minute, the next we're dead
So love me or leave me but try not to need me
Enough said.

I want you, but I don't need you...

I love you, and I love how you love how I love you
But I don't need you, don't need you to need me to love you
If your love turned into hate, would my love have been a mistake?
I don't know. I don't know.

So I'm gonna leave you, and I'd like you to leave me to leave you
But lover, believe me; it isn't because I don't need you
(You know I don't need you)
All I wanted was to be wanted
But you're drowning me deep in your need to be needed
la lala... la lala

I want you, and I want you to want me to want you
But I don't need you, don't need you to need me to need you

That's just me, so take me or leave me
But please don't need me, don't need me to need you to need me
'Cause we're here a minute, the next we're dead
So love me or leave me but try not to need me
Enough said.

I want you, but I don't need you...
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 109
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/2/2015 5:53:17 AM

Msg 123: The way i look at it is that you don't *need* each other in the sense that you couldn't get by on your own, but you do need to feel that you make a difference in a partners life, that they don't depend on you but know you are there for them...


That might apply to dating, but what about marriage or a common-law relationship, especially if there are kids thrown into the mix? Wouldn't they depend on each other as a team to make a household work and to raise kids? Sure, the popular fad nowadays is to be a single parent, but at some point, everybody relies on someone else.

Another current popular fad for young people starting off in the world is to get the biggest mortgage possible in order to buy a McMansion monster size house as their first home. Hardly anybody gets a smaller starter home or a fixer-upper as their first home anymore. But in order to get the super-sized Mcmortgage required, the bank takes into account both incomes of a couple's total income. It will take both incomes to pay the mortgage. They depend on each other to bring home the bacon to keep a roof over their heads and put food on the table. Is that such a bad thing?
 newoldgirl
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 110
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/2/2015 9:04:49 PM

Another current popular fad for young people starting off in the world is to get the biggest mortgage possible in order to buy a McMansion monster size house as their first home. Hardly anybody gets a smaller starter home or a fixer-upper as their first home anymore. But in order to get the super-sized Mcmortgage required, the bank takes into account both incomes of a couple's total income. It will take both incomes to pay the mortgage. They depend on each other to bring home the bacon to keep a roof over their heads and put food on the table. Is that such a bad thing?


Well, I am neither young, nor part of a couple, but I love my little house. It is about a third of the size of the one I had with the ex, but I can afford it comfortably, and that is important to me.

After being a stay at home parent for many years, I have learned something the hard way:

Never put the keys to your financial security in somebody else's pocket.
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 111
view profile
History
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/2/2015 9:45:23 PM

That might apply to dating, but what about marriage or a common-law relationship, especially if there are kids thrown into the mix? Wouldn't they depend on each other as a team to make a household work and to raise kids?


If they don't feel that they can rely on each other then perhaps they shouldn't go down those routes. I know there is a tendency to do things like get married or have kids as a way of sidestepping issues by giving them something else to think about, like they hit a point in a relationship where they think "We have nothing to say to each other anymore, i know, lets have a kid, that'll save things."
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 112
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/2/2015 10:39:16 PM
You're in, or you're out.

Figure it out.

Space, FWB, WTF?

It's not a relationship if clingy or space is a concern.

If you need a Venn diagram to figure it out, it ain't love.
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 113
view profile
History
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/2/2015 10:41:02 PM

Being overly dependent is no worse than being overly independent.


Being overly anything is a bad idea, i wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship with someone who said she didn't need to feel she makes a difference in my life as long as she makes one in her own though, i'm not dissing it but it would make me feel like i could be anyone, that i don't really matter to her except where i enhance her life.

I do get you about leading separate lives that intersect, i don't demand to be intimately involved in every facet of a partners life and i sure as hell wouldn't want it the other way around, you have to have some things that are just for you otherwise you suffocate.
I was in a relationship with a woman from Oxford for three years that was a lot like that, it was a great relationship for what it was, we had loads of fun when we were together, she loved my sense of humour and sense of adventure and we had a dynamite sex life, but while i loved her and wanted more she didn't love me, she was grateful to me for helping her get over a very controlling and abusive ex and encouraging her to rediscover who she had been before but that was all, she would say and do hurtful things not to be hurtful but because she didn't really think enough of me or care enough about me not to.

I'm not saying that that is how those relationships are, everyone and every relationship is different, but i personally do tend to avoid such situations because i really don't want to be there again, it took six years of navel gazing to get over.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 114
view profile
History
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/3/2015 12:33:21 AM

You're in, or you're out.

Figure it out.

Space, FWB, WTF?

It's not a relationship if clingy or space is a concern.

If you need a Venn diagram to figure it out, it ain't love.

I like this.

You have a bad experience with a marriage or relationship, that says nothing about relationships...it only says something about the person who you were in one with, if not yourself.

You don't really even care all that much about "intertwining your life with another person", as I like to say, or you feel that doing so automatically brings problems of negative neediness or robbing you of so much of your "self" or your "your time"...I don't know what to tell ya. Something about that still just doesn't jive...hasn't been revealed yet...can't be so simple and benign as it's presented. If nothing else, many of these conversations that we have on the subject really shouldn't be attended to by you. You almost shouldn't even participate.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 115
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/3/2015 12:27:36 PM

That might apply to dating, but what about marriage or a common-law relationship, especially if there are kids thrown into the mix? Wouldn't they depend on each other as a team to make a household work and to raise kids? Sure, the popular fad nowadays is to be a single parent, but at some point, everybody relies on someone else.

First -- it's kinda sad that it's a popular fad to be a single parent. I guess I was never able to jump on that bandwagon of coolness, as using a fake name probably denied me of such royalty.

Second -- people tend to avoid the words like "need" and "jealous". Both are not bad (but can be in certain contexts; hence, "avoid the words altogether"!). Need is a relative term, but for all practical purposes in relation to this, I would say it's needing something to avoid dysfunction (or sub-par operations). I think when people can't be emotionally up-to-par without having a significant other (just one example: "I hate being single!"), it's a Need. The only context of 'need' isn't in relation to survival or merely living off the land.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 116
view profile
History
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/3/2015 5:56:34 PM

Being overly dependent is no worse than being overly independent.


Agreed.....


Being overly anything is a bad idea, i wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship with someone who said she didn't need to feel she makes a difference in my life as long as she makes one in her own though, i'm not dissing it but it would make me feel like i could be anyone, that i don't really matter to her except where i enhance her life.


Actually I WOULD 'diss' it myself....

A relationship cannot thrive when one person is the ONLY one getting their needs met....Not an adult romantic relationship at any rate...
Anything that one-sided is more akin to a parent/child relationship, and I personally am not looking for that...

As far as needs go...Well as I understand it there's not only nothing wrong with having needs that only your partner can fill it IS how it is...
I know that I, personally am looking for a partner who fulfills MY needs for companionship and friendship and SEX and etc.
Most importantly, I want to be with someone who brings out the BEST in me as I do for him...

Part of that is being willing to reciprocate in kind...
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 117
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/3/2015 6:15:55 PM

Is it? Not many I know who are single parents (including myself) actually planned it that way. Most (including myself) had the dream of a happy two parent family.

No -- I would hope not. :) I was poking fun at the comment which was probably only half-serious anyway.
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 118
view profile
History
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/3/2015 10:37:04 PM

Actually I WOULD 'diss' it myself....

A relationship cannot thrive when one person is the ONLY one getting their needs met....Not an adult romantic relationship at any rate...
Anything that one-sided is more akin to a parent/child relationship, and I personally am not looking for that...


The description sounded a lot like FWB to me, there's nothing wrong with that if it is what both want although very few seem to be able to make it work beyond a few meetings, i know i never could the few times i tried it. Sometimes i think i should count the three years visiting Oxford every chance i got as FWB rather than a romantic relationship except we didn't see other people and there was romance, anyway, if it is at all good in that we enjoy each others company and the sex is good then i always end up wanting it to become more.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 119
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/3/2015 11:50:04 PM

What can I say, Im a single parent, I get touchy lol

Well if you're a single parent & sensitive about it -- wouldn't you Want that to be the new fad? For it to be hip, cool -- something to flip the hair about? :)

Bob: Hi, can I buy you a drink?
Sally: Sure...
(conversation ensues)
Sally: So, do you have any kids?
Bob: No, I don't actually (smiles)
Sally: Oooh. You're not a single parent?
Bob: No, I'm not. Is that... bad?
Sally: Well, you're not in the mainstream, Bob. I need a guy who's a single dad. A real man. This isn't 2004... (flips hair). Get with the times, man.
Bob: Oh, well, things must have changed.
Sally: Oh, they have. They have. (Chewing gum, now checking her iPhone)
Bob: So, can you like trade them in for upgrades? Any warranties or any reasonable return policies?
Sally: (Glares at Bob with deep stare). No. (Stare goes away) I tried that, didn't work. They only do that in places like Vietnam and stuff. (smacks gum, looks back at phone)
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 120
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/4/2015 12:31:37 AM
Because someone who is 'attractive and interesting' can also be a really BAD match for you....
------------------------------------

That has exactly nothing to do with my comment. However, since you brought it up (out of thin air), I'll just add that someone unattractive and boring can also be a bad match (and more likely to be based on the unattractive and boring already being a bad match). So what? Is that a revelation of some sort?
 newoldgirl
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 121
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/4/2015 6:26:53 PM
I can't help thinking about my parents as I read this thread. They do everything together, all day, every day, especially since they retired. My dad is a super healthy 80 year old. He swims, bikes, and lifts weights. He's so strong, my kids call him the beast! My mother , at 76 suddenly seems to be a very frail, little, old lady. A couple of years ago she had a health scare and when we were waiting for the surgeon my dad looked at me and said, "I can't live without her." I believe he meant this quite literally. I don't know if this makes me happy or sad :(
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 122
view profile
History
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/4/2015 6:45:53 PM
I'm thinking about my parents, too and it was something that was fluid. I don't ever remember then talking about it, per se not that there's anything wrong with that. They were just so "in sync" that said, they were their own separate people, but as a couple, that was never a source of conflict. They didn't always agree, but as the baby girl, the youngest of 5, with a large age difference, I don't ever remember being insecure or tense, even when I was grown and had my own children, which were frequent visitors, and spent a LOT of time with them. It was infrequent, but when they thought or felt differently, it wasn't a big deal. Obviously, I don't or can't recall every conversation they ever had...what I remember is the environment...if that's the word. I never worried that my parents were mad or fighting, or there was any conflict that threatened the family unit.

They didn't always agree, it wasn't ever a tense situation, they talked about it with all their children present and around and there was never a moment of worry. From the time of my earliest memories, to where I had my own kids and would drop in and visit whenever. We were always welcomed with open arms and hugs, even if it we'd seen then the day before. It was the same with me, my parents were always welcomed...there were times when...we DID scramble to make their visit more..umm comfortable.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 123
view profile
History
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/4/2015 7:44:52 PM

I can't help thinking about my parents as I read this thread. They do everything together, all day, every day, especially since they retired. My dad is a super healthy 80 year old. He swims, bikes, and lifts weights. He's so strong, my kids call him the beast! My mother , at 76 suddenly seems to be a very frail, little, old lady. A couple of years ago she had a health scare and when we were waiting for the surgeon my dad looked at me and said, "I can't live without her." I believe he meant this quite literally. I don't know if this makes me happy or sad :(

I think that I would feel happy about this.

I get the impression that this isn't from an unhealthy connection...intertwining...but instead because they truly love each other. Are truly one. This isn't supposed to be a bad thing, but it is painted as bad too often. I'd say that they are each other's purpose and meaning, and then I'd defend that by saying that being each other's purpose and meaning isn't supposed to be a bad thing, but can be a beautiful thing -

- and then I'd say that it isn't even just about being each other's purpose and meaning. They simply are content in their lives because of the other. It's like living without the other is obsolete. But this isn't easily understood by those who haven't found this unless they have the courage to think outside of that box.

We've all heard of the cliché's. There are worse things than death. You can live a hundred years, but not find happiness. You can find it in one minute, then your whole life is worth living, and you could die the next minute and it wouldn't matter. And etc.

We indulge in the belief that simply living on or having more biological life should be the ultimate endeavor. But that makes us miss and forget something bigger. It happens to be my attitude that once you find "the real thing", or something that you'd be tempted to call a "soulmate"...if you let yourself understand love, accept it's validity as a concept (and DON'T find your "other"), or find it in another...then you have achieved what you need to achieve in life. And if my loved one died, it wouldn't be a bad thing for me to follow soon after, because I had my life because of it. My life was worth living because of it. More life isn't a bad thing, but having more life is irrelevant. Not required. No longer applicable. I'd have already arrived, simply by virtue of having found her. Likewise, I could live for 20 years more after the death of a loved one, and never miss her a single day. I found her. I achieved it. I was blessed. She existed. What we had, got the chance to be realized. So she'd always be with me. I wouldn't mourn her no longer being alive, but I'd celebrate every day what was between us. I'd never be lonely after that.

Anyway...my point is, this is one of those things that I feel we should reverse our attitudes about. It is one of those hidden sources of our perpetual feeling of not-quite-content, because we're not in the right headspace. In fact, I think that the poem currently on the profile of the one I quoted above...is a bit fitting to this post.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 124
view profile
History
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/4/2015 11:40:52 PM


That has exactly nothing to do with my comment. However, since you brought it up (out of thin air), I'll just add that someone unattractive and boring can also be a bad match (and more likely to be based on the unattractive and boring already being a bad match). So what? Is that a revelation of some sort?


Ummm...yeah, ok then...thought the remark was self-explanatory, but have no clue what you're saying in that case...


The description sounded a lot like FWB to me, there's nothing wrong with that if it is what both want although very few seem to be able to make it work beyond a few meetings, i know i never could the few times i tried it.


For me, FWB still means that we are both getting our needs met...Even a friend has to be able to reciprocate in the friendship, otherwise, don't you find yourself not really wanting to give too much to them anymore....?

As far as feelings growing or wanting more, well, that's another story....One of the reasons that I'm not really into FWB, so much....
Somehow someone always ends up getting hurt and/or not being able to be themselves in a genuine way because they're trying to pretend that their needs are still getting met, even when those needs have changed....
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 125
view profile
History
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/5/2015 12:16:07 AM

For me, FWB still means that we are both getting our needs met...Even a friend has to be able to reciprocate in the friendship, otherwise, don't you find yourself not really wanting to give too much to them anymore....?


I'd say yes for sexual needs, i think there is a tendency to ignore emotional ones though and not really talk about what's going on in case it gets too serious. Most of the relationships i've seen classed as FWB should more accurately be called an FB situation because they really are just about the sex and not any kind of friendship, it seems to me that the moment non bedroom activities come into it it becomes uncomfortably like dating and the person least interested in that does a runner, but maybe that's just me reading too much or too little into things.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Independence VS Interdependance