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 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 126
Independence VS InterdependancePage 6 of 20    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

The description sounded a lot like FWB to me, there's nothing wrong with that if it is what both want although very few seem to be able to make it work beyond a few meetings, i know i never could the few times i tried it.

There's a difference between "booty call" and FWB. "Booty calls" are just meetings. FWB are actually friends, with a sexual side-dish that's either occasional or frequent.

For me, FWB still means that we are both getting our needs met...

And same with a purely platonic friendship, too. Crossing over beyond just platonic (w/ benefits; PG-13 rated or more) is still the same boat, just a different avenue (even though it does change the friendship of course).

Even a friend has to be able to reciprocate in the friendship, otherwise, don't you find yourself not really wanting to give too much to them anymore....?

Sure. Even with platonic friends, of the same gender. Same concept applies.

As far as feelings growing or wanting more, well, that's another story....One of the reasons that I'm not really into FWB, so much....

I think the danger of FWB when it's not someone who lives far away (LD friends) -- is wanting more than just fooling around on the side. Women tend to not want it as much as guys, because women tend to have to like a guy a Good Amount to be serving up sexual dishes with someone they know. With guys? We're willing to eat cold pizza. Ehh, no prob. However, I will say that it causes problems for guys too though. Just as girls can/will be FWB more often than they collectively admit w/o issues, guys can/will be FWB more ofthen than they collectively admit WITH issues about it (wanting more from the gal).

IMO, LD friendships are the best/safest for FWB. Most social, non-young people who are at least semi-intelligent realize LD relationships don't work -- so emotionally they don't expect more or feel cheated out of something, and can be content. Other than that -- don't get into a Declared FWB with someone who wants just that -- Unless you clearly feel them as someone you don't want to settle down with, and are "not that into them".

There are worse things than death. You can live a hundred years, but not find happiness.

I don't think happiness is an on-off / black-white thing, so I would rather live 100 years not having what one would deem sufficient happiness VS living 20 years with a lot of it. But you are right -- Happiness is THE goal. Everything else is just a means to that ends.

I can say I wouldn't want to die until I have a 3-some with incredibly hot model-type women who have always proclaimed such acts are dirty, men are bad -- but to only thank me in the end and realize the err in their ways. In the end though, it's the by-product of such an experience would bring -- happiness. Just like winning the lottery. Money can bring you happiness as a means to it, or as "potential energy". Depending on what you do with it, will help bring certain levels of happiness in the short-term or long-term. With tons of it, it becomes much easier to utilize it to help bring happiness. But it, in and of itself, by itself really won't so much (except an initial "holy cow, no more worries!" that'll wear off after a good while). One would be silly to say (a lot of) money doesn't bring it to those who don't have it. Otherwise, why ever donate, right?

Of course, reaching a state near nirvana (not wanting anything) requires less and less. That's also a means to happiness. The more high-maintenance & needy one is, the more difficult it will to bring & sustain happiness. The less, the easier. Kind of like a budget. Expenses (emotional wants & needs), and Revenue (money, 3-somes, midget-tossing experiences, etc).
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 127
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Posted: 5/5/2015 5:48:04 AM

I'd say yes for sexual needs, i think there is a tendency to ignore emotional ones though and not really talk about what's going on in case it gets too serious. Most of the relationships i've seen classed as FWB should more accurately be called an FB situation because they really are just about the sex and not any kind of friendship, it seems to me that the moment non bedroom activities come into it it becomes uncomfortably like dating and the person least interested in that does a runner, but maybe that's just me reading too much or too little into things.


Nope, think you nailed it pretty perfectly there..... lol
For myself, those arrangements are usually with someone as NG said that I see no 'future' with for a variety of reasons...

I don't think that I've 'successfully' ever taken a casual sexual relationship into a relationship, relationship, before, myself...Mostly because that is not the purpose of the relationship in the first place....
I tried once, a LONG time ago and for me that was reason enough to never try that again...lol
I lost a good friend because we didn't want the same things, and it was a damn shame....

I wouldn't want that type of relationship with someone who is in my regular daily Life as it would be too easy to start to consider having them as an even bigger part of my Life. And then, the trouble begins....

Nah, Life's too short at this point....I know what kind of relationship that I'm looking for ultimately and the type of man that would be good for me, and I see no reason to be coy or play games of any kind....If he's NOT interested in anything more than sex, I would avoid him as it would be too easy for me to 'fall' and end up hurt...Why do it?
I can have sex, well, pretty much anytime I want to, so....

The key for me is to be as clear as possible, that way even if the other person isn't, I can't 'fool myself' into believing that there's anything more there than what there is....


I can say I wouldn't want to die until I have a 3-some with incredibly hot model-type women who have always proclaimed such acts are dirty, men are bad -- but to only thank me in the end and realize the err in their ways.


HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA..............

Well, it's good to have dreams.....LOL ;-)
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
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Posted: 5/5/2015 6:41:24 AM

I don't think that I've 'successfully' ever taken a casual sexual relationship into a relationship, relationship, before, myself...Mostly because that is not the purpose of the relationship in the first place....


I don't think i've ever really had a successful casual sexual relationship, the few times i tried weren't disappointing in that they did what they were supposed to do, but they didn't really work either because it felt too disconnected, kind of unreal.


I tried once, a LONG time ago and for me that was reason enough to never try that again...lol
I lost a good friend because we didn't want the same things, and it was a damn shame....


I've never outright tried to turn a friend into an FWB, there was one time on my 30th birthday but that was more of a very surprising birthday present, we stayed friends afterwards and never tried anything like that again.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 129
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/5/2015 7:21:02 AM

Most of the relationships i've seen classed as FWB should more accurately be called an FB situation because they really are just about the sex and not any kind of friendship.


One way to see if it's a true friendship, and not a "maybe more than just friends" is if one of them (or both) was to have other FWB's. A friend wouldn't care if their FWB is boinking other people who are also FWB's. I have a feeling not many people would want to be one of many FWB their friend has, even though it shouldn't matter since they are friends who have agreed to never be romantically involved with each other, and it's just sex.

People will make the argument that there's an increase in risk of catching a STD when having sex with many other people. Even if all participating FWB's were to agree to be tested for STD's, I think a lot of people would still be opposed to being with someone who has other FWB's on his/her list.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
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Posted: 5/5/2015 7:42:42 AM
@Male...

I think you are right on with that observation.....

The FB's that I've had were in the same position as I was, looking for someone 'safe' to have a casual sexual relationship with, and were also unattached....

We always had the 'are you sleeping with a variety of people' conversation, a nod to the keeping myself safe from STD's, but I have to say that when one or the other had started FB-ing with anther person, that was normally the end of it for me....even IF I really wasn't interested in having more with them emotionally...

Even casual sex carries a measure of territoriality, for wont of a better way to say it....

@Gatto.....agree with your assessment...FB's tend to be a one-off kinda thing for me, when I've reached that point of feeling like a dried out stick of wood and need to remember what sex is like...LOL

And if it's with someone that I like, then it can be a 'friendly exchange' but it's NOT what I, personally am looking for, so I have to be careful to approach it from a place of being REALLY clear and REALLY honest about where I, myself am 'at' regarding it....

That 'disconnected' feeling only happens for me, when I'm NOT being honest about what I'm looking for with a particular person, or when I have had sex because I'm feeling lonely, when having someone talk to and listen to me and maybe just give me a hug is REALLY what I need....

It's a conundrum for sure, how to get your sexual needs met when you're NOT in a primary relationship....And some people are just 'built' in such a way that separating love and sex, is just not comfortable for them....

As time passes, and sex for it's own sake has lost it's luster, I find that having that emotional connection is more important than a quick roll in the hay and a good orgasm, frankly, for me personally....
Although those DO have their own...ahem, charms...;-)
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 131
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/5/2015 8:07:23 AM
as with some other activities in life, the issue arises when one confuses one's choice of SUBSTITUTION with the concept that it has become a SOLUTION.
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
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Posted: 5/5/2015 8:07:25 AM

One way to see if it's a true friendship, and not a "maybe more than just friends" is if one of them (or both) was to have other FWB's.


I suppose it depends on how you see the function of an FWB, is it a kind of emergency clause invoked when neither of you are in a relationship and are really suffering from being too horny or is it a permanent regular fixture taking the place of dating or a relationship? If it's a "When all else fails" deal then no i don't suppose it matters beyond normal concerns, but if it's a regular thing the line gets blurred, i don't want to speak for anyone else but for me at least it's damn hard to have sex with someone on a regular basis and not feel some kind of emotional investment in them, if it is good enough to keep doing it then i always want to go all the way with it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 133
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/5/2015 9:36:56 AM
I guess FWB could be compared to getting a knock off in designer clothing, purses, or jewelry. It looks like the real thing, and some are satisfied with a knock off and not having to pay the price for the real thing. But sometimes, a person who has a knock off eventually wants to get a taste of the real item-especially if they start to get bored with the knock off.
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
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Posted: 5/5/2015 10:54:01 AM

That 'disconnected' feeling only happens for me, when I'm NOT being honest about what I'm looking for with a particular person, or when I have had sex because I'm feeling lonely, when having someone talk to and listen to me and maybe just give me a hug is REALLY what I need....


I guess it depends on how focused a person is, how well they can compartmentalize, label the thing and stick to it, not something i've ever been any good at.


As time passes, and sex for it's own sake has lost it's luster, I find that having that emotional connection is more important than a quick roll in the hay and a good orgasm, frankly, for me personally....


When i'm in a relationship i can't get enough, any and every excuse, any time any place anywhere, not really sex for the sake of sex though, more like looking at each other and thinking "YES!!" When i am not in a relationship i can generally live without it quite well to a point, it's things like making each other laugh that i miss, fits of giggles over something totally stupid, and spooning.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
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Posted: 5/5/2015 1:39:17 PM

When i am not in a relationship i can generally live without it quite well to a point, it's things like making each other laugh that i miss, fits of giggles over something totally stupid, and spooning.


Agreed...and that feeling that somewhere out there in the world is someone who matters as much to me, as I do to them....
 Fabreezey
Joined: 1/4/2014
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Posted: 5/5/2015 6:03:46 PM

I do get you about leading separate lives that intersect, i don't demand to be intimately involved in every facet of a partners life and i sure as hell wouldn't want it the other way around, you have to have some things that are just for you otherwise you suffocate. Being overly anything is a bad idea, i wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship with someone who said she didn't need to feel she makes a difference in my life as long as she makes one in her own though, i'm not dissing it but it would make me feel like i could be anyone, that i don't really matter to her except where i enhance her life.

I wonder how much of what people experience in past relationships dictates what they need from future relationships? The answer is naturally subjective. If I had stayed in a relationship for 3 years with someone who never reciprocated my love I suspect I too might see it as a requisite that I felt I made a difference in my partner’s life. It is a joy and a blessing to love and feel loved but I don’t tend to dwell on whether or not I make a difference in my partner’s life. After all, HE is the only one who can answer that question, not me. The only thing I know for sure is that he certainly does make a difference to my life and that life feels more complete with him in it… kind of like the icing on the cake. Perhaps also being in a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment base has helped me feel secure enough to not be fretting about whether he needs me or not.

As far as needs go...Well as I understand it there's not only nothing wrong with having needs that only your partner can fill it IS how it is...
I know that I, personally am looking for a partner who fulfills MY needs for companionship and friendship and SEX and etc.
Most importantly, I want to be with someone who brings out the BEST in me as I do for him...

Part of that is being willing to reciprocate in kind...

It seems to me paradoxically that the less you yearn to find a partner to fulfil your unmet needs, the more likely you are to find the kind of partner who can handle a reciprocal and loving relationship.


Perhaps these people who keep saying that true love requires that they be "needed" by their mate, are among those who have suffered enough to recognize that love can't insure any specific behaviors, but not enough to see through the fact that "needing" someone is actually not an accomplishment, nor desirable, and nor is it an actual essential component of real love, at all.


In an ideal world, I agree with you…
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
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Posted: 5/5/2015 9:28:41 PM
"Unmet needs"....

Sounds so, .....not kosher...lol

My needs are met in the best way possible as I am capable....at the time of my having and acknowledging that need....
I don't see anything wrong with having needs that a partner will fulfill and I don't believe that there IS anything wrong with that....

That's NOT to say that I have 'unmet needs that I'm looking for a partner to fill'....
That would imply that I am using someone only for my own purposes, as opposed to wanting to experience Life with a partner....Along with everything else that goes along with having an SO...

That is not the case....

As far as the statement that was quoted about needing someone "not being an accomplishment"...

It clearly indicates to me someone who has learned that the word "need" has some pretty negative connotations, which is not true at all, imo

Also, 'needs' are in NO way an 'accomplishment' of any kind, and I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean???

It appears to me, which is part of what prompted the question in the first place, that people have VERY different ideas regarding what 'needing' someone and 'depending' on someone entails....

There is a HUGE difference between "being needy" and having needs....one is a distortion of the other, and has NOTHING to do with what I was talking about when I started the topic...

Pretty interesting when you think about it, mostly because it's become clear that we live in what I consider to be a largely 'anti-dependent' society in which concepts such as 'needing' other people, has become a negative thing....Something to be abhorred and reviled and fought against, rather than a simple fact of human existence....
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
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Posted: 5/5/2015 10:44:55 PM

Agreed...and that feeling that somewhere out there in the world is someone who matters as much to me, as I do to them....


Very definitely!! The three year relationship i had that i'm half tempted to call an FWB i ended because one day she calls me in the middle of the week and asks me to come over, she lived in Oxford and i lived in London so it was a trip of couple of hours, no problem, i dropped everything and went, only when i got there she wasn't in. Her father had been visiting a couple of weeks before and i'd given him my key so he could get in and out so i couldn't get in myself, i sat on the doorstep waiting, after all she could be back at any minute. About 8 hours later she strolls up off her nut on E, her friends had come around, she completely forgot i was on my way and they all went clubbing. That really brought it home to me how much more she mattered to me than i did to her.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
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Posted: 5/5/2015 11:32:27 PM
Sorry you went through that....
It hurts when you realize that the intensity of feeling and/or level is not reciprocated....

Used to be a pattern for myself ....but then I realized just how freeing it was to NOT put forth greater effort than others were willing to, from the outset.

It was nice to feel that I didn't have to 'do all of the work' at keeping the relationship 'healthy' or 'on track' or whatever....

I realized eventually that it was just about my confusing feeling safe with being in control....

Now, if there's any indication that the person I'm seeing is cruising along and letting me carry 'us', then I stop immediately.

That's normally when I discover if it was just a momentary lapse or else a sign of a bigger problem....

The good news is that I don't waste a lot of time anymore in relationships that ultimately will never be what I really want. I also don't have to deal with all of the crap that I used to show up and volunteer to deal with on a regular basis... lol
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
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Posted: 5/6/2015 12:56:23 AM

Used to be a pattern for myself ....but then I realized just how freeing it was to NOT put forth greater effort than others were willing to, from the outset.


I decided to do that myself the last few years, with dating anyway, haven't had a chance to try it in a relationship. :)
If i realise that i am always the one that calls and texts, arranges dates and tries to keep things moving forwards then i stop calling or texting and wait to see if they'll ever pick up the phone on their own, if i never hear from them again then that says everything that needs to be said.
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
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Posted: 5/6/2015 1:02:19 AM

I wonder how much of what people experience in past relationships dictates what they need from future relationships?


Probably a huge amount if it fails for specific reasons rather than just fizzling out, i know each relationship has taught me a little bit more about what i can work around, don't want or won't put up with.
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
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Posted: 5/6/2015 2:34:37 AM

It seems to me paradoxically that the less you yearn to find a partner to fulfil your unmet needs, the more likely you are to find the kind of partner who can handle a reciprocal and loving relationship.


I don't think anyone is saying that you have to have a partner to fulfil unmet needs, using someone to fill a hole in your life isn't what it's about, but rather that when you have a partner the dynamics of your life shift, and that there are things that you can reasonably expect from them if they have any kind of consideration for you, let alone love, the needs are those expectations.
When you are single you do things for yourself because it's just you and that's the way it is, but when you are in a relationship you do things for each other, not because you're keeping score or it's an issue but because you care about the other person and want to do those things to help them out, to do something nice and turn a crappy day into a not quite so crappy day because you can and because they let you.
Its not unreasonable to expect your partner to want to do those things and to be unhappy if you realise that actually they don't want to, that they'd be perfectly content to watch you sink or swim on your own. That's all the needs thing is about, someone who cares enough to help you swim instead of sink.
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
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Posted: 5/6/2015 3:08:01 AM

Gatto, Im sorry to hear about your 3 year experience. ^^^I like this, but, for me, I kind of know if I want him enough I put up with stuff that I shouldnt.


Oh it wasn't a bad relationship and i certainly don't regret it, we stayed friends for a while after we broke up, we just didn't spend enough time together when we were together for problems to be problems, we'd be happy to see each other and ignored anything else. It builds up though and eventually it couldn't be ignored anymore, i began to resent the relationship being just weekends and holidays and occasional midweek calls of non stop sex (stop shouting at your computer guys) while she began to resent not being able to get off with someone else she knew that she really fancied.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
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Posted: 5/7/2015 3:58:25 AM

Barring some circumstances that FWB can work and those situations where it genuinely is the best choice, I agree. Why do people not think they are worth more?


It's NOT really about any kind of self-esteem issue for me when I have had an FB....It's about getting my sexual needs met when I am NOT in a relationship....

If I never had sex while NOT being in a relationship, that just sets me up to end up in a relationship with a guy who is not good for me, or me for him, due to being horny and lonely as opposed to because he was a man that I was truly interested in being in a relationship with....

Oh!And I'm GOOD! I can talk myself into the most ridiculous situations and willfully deny reality, well, not so much anymore....
But that IS what led me to figuring out how to get my sexual needs met in-between relationships. I have been single for long periods of time over the years, and am not willing to just go without physical contact with a man, as a result....
I'm talking YEARS here and not weeks or months...lol


When you are single you do things for yourself because it's just you and that's the way it is, but when you are in a relationship you do things for each other, not because you're keeping score or it's an issue but because you care about the other person and want to do those things to help them out, to do something nice and turn a crappy day into a not quite so crappy day because you can and because they let you.
Its not unreasonable to expect your partner to want to do those things and to be unhappy if you realise that actually they don't want to, that they'd be perfectly content to watch you sink or swim on your own. That's all the needs thing is about, someone who cares enough to help you swim instead of sink.


Well said.....agreed.
 Fabreezey
Joined: 1/4/2014
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Posted: 5/7/2015 5:21:03 PM

I don't think anyone is saying that you have to have a partner to fulfil unmet needs, using someone to fill a hole in your life isn't what it's about, but rather that when you have a partner the dynamics of your life shift, and that there are things that you can reasonably expect from them if they have any kind of consideration for you, let alone love, the needs are those expectations.


Let me put it another way. When you feel content and happy with life, you are more likely to attract a partner who aligns with that sense of feeling content and fulfilled. You don’t really have expectations of one another, just that you want to do things to make one another happy without feeling pressured to do so.


When you are single you do things for yourself because it's just you and that's the way it is, but when you are in a relationship you do things for each other, not because you're keeping score or it's an issue but because you care about the other person and want to do those things to help them out, to do something nice and turn a crappy day into a not quite so crappy day because you can and because they let you.
Its not unreasonable to expect your partner to want to do those things and to be unhappy if you realise that actually they don't want to, that they'd be perfectly content to watch you sink or swim on your own. That's all the needs thing is about, someone who cares enough to help you swim instead of sink.


I get how being in an un-reciprocal relationship can feel as though you are forever swimming against the tide... I always wonder what the pay off is. For me I stayed in a marriage well past it's sell by date because it was easier for me to look at trying to fix my partner instead of looking at what needed fixing in me.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
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Posted: 5/7/2015 5:50:56 PM
When it's the right person, this is one of those things that just happens without much if any effort, discussion.....you have both independence and interdependence whether those terms are used. My marriage with my late husband was like that, it was blissful..and other than the expected conflicts with exes and kids......between us it was effortless. So much so I pinched myself (figuratively). It was easy, the things we had to take care of, we talked about handled, no egos or power struggle, just let's do this or you do this and I'll do that. Done. I know one important factor was that we shared a lot of similar goals if you will and were both focused so we functioned as a GREAT team. We also had shared values, so we put our marriage and each of out set of children as the first priority.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 147
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/8/2015 1:17:08 AM

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA..............

Well, it's good to have dreams.....LOL ;-)

With POF, anything is possible! Especially with a zesty profile like my own, pointing out my alleged raccoon & baby cricket collection. That has the earmarks for 3-some written all over it! :)

I don't think i've ever really had a successful casual sexual relationship, the few times i tried weren't disappointing in that they did what they were supposed to do, but they didn't really work either because it felt too disconnected, kind of unreal.

I think the "unreal" part is how we're conditioned that women don't like just sex. We're conditioned over and over that WE are using them. When you get in a situation where she chit-chats after wiping off the goo, then 10 minutes later grabs her clothes & purse and walks out the door, you think "Wait, what? She's supposed to be, like emotionally attached. Okay, that's good she's not, but this is too smooth. Only guys are like this... this is weird. This is NOT what mom (or gals on POF forums) told me!" Ya feel guilty for repeats with a gal who you feel is a few notches below what you could "get". On the flip side, you feel disheartened in a way, and confused when it's a real looker, as you put 2 and 2 together realizing she must see YOU as a few notches below what she could "get", hence her non-chalant attitude about it.

All in all though, don't let it get to you -- get used to the fact that there's plenty of women in stages of their lives where they don't fit the stereotypical mold of having emotional attachment to sex. Once this sinks in, then you won't have a problem sinking yourself into said non-chalant-about-sex girl. :)

A friend wouldn't care if their FWB is boinking other people who are also FWB's.

I don't agree with that assumption. There's a few different flavors of FWB: LD friend (benefits when both single & available which is not very often), I could see that. But for a social-group friend or 1-on-1 friend, many aren't going to be so keen on them swapping fluids on a regular basis, ya know?

I think if, say, they went on vacation and hooked up with someone... or "gave in" and got porked by their ex that they're not quite over... yeah -- not a huge deal. But if you're taking turns tag-teaming with Bob, then things get weird. Especially if they're an actual 1-on-1 friend. Usually there, it's more than just that, as it's not so no-strings-attached. You're not Fvck Buddies, you're basically going out in a casual/laid-back sense where the dating scene is still open -- but accepting that it won't last too long and something's going to give (one of you will date someone else, etc). Sure, if one of you has an occasional pork with someone else, it's don't ask don't tell... but if you start becoming even a semi-regular in someone else's bedroom or are on the cusp of dating someone else -- then that is something to care about for most!
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 148
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/8/2015 1:04:26 PM

Hahaha, Id love to know if that works? Updates when youve had that 3-some please.

I will. Hopefully things don't get too kinky with raccoon bites. I certainly won't hear the crickets chirping!

Not conditioning, it is how it is, even if YOU do not wish to believe it -- sos you can carry on enjoying your sex believing that your not hurting anyone. [Added commas]

This response. Exactly. That's why the poster (and other guys) get weirded out when a gal is actually non-chalant about wanting just sex, or wanting to Not be an item and just hang out as friends do with sex on the side. That's not Possible -- as You point out! :) But it obviously is. Sure, one can say "Okay, okay, virtually impossible" -- no, it's more prevalent than that. It's not common, No, not at all. But it IS there, and it's not a rarity. We're just conditioned to be like mining for platinum. Some women, usually a temporary 'phase', typically when younger, on the rebound, etc -- are going to have the mindset of sex like the stereotypical guy, and far from the conditioned stereotypical girl.

When the lightbulb going off to a guy for the first time of "OMG, wait... was I just used for sex?" or "Hold on, was sex her main motivator for those dates?" , he'll usually chuckle, but also be more confused than anything by what society (as your statement) has conditioned him. Many times he wasn't "used", just as many times a guy isn't going to "use" a girl for sex when they have it short-lived, and just like a girl may not be actually "using" a guy for a mere date. All those happen, of course. But it's not at all always that way. It's a realization that they have hormonal needs too, and when comfortable with a guy, not all of them are walking in line in military formation with society expectations and looking for a new BF, and can very well be comfortable with just fooling around with "friends" and Wanting to keep it that way.


but if you start becoming even a semi-regular in someone else's bedroom
What does this mean?

A semi-regular? It's not a one-night stand/one-time-thing-only, and they're not people who are "seeing eachother" in the bedroom. Someone you've done that with a couple times, and are going to highly likely see them again at least once or twice. Will it turn into a regular? Maybe, maybe not.

Kind of like the concept if someone asks the bartender if "Joe" is a regular at his bar. Joe responds by saying "Well, no, I wouldn't call him a regular. He's been here before a number of times, he doesn't always come in or anything, but he'll come in again at some point."
 newoldgirl
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 149
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/8/2015 5:57:37 PM

Not conditioning it is how it is even if YOU do not wish to believe it sos you can carry on enjoying your sex believing that your not hurting anyone.


I don't see how you can be hurt by having consensual sex. If you are having sex with someone in return for something, you're asking or trouble.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 150
Independence VS Interdependance
Posted: 5/9/2015 4:36:07 PM

Ok, I asked the wrong question. I ment why is it something to care about? If your fwb or fb, why are you bothered if your become a semi or regular in someone elses bedroom?

Well, you also made the Statement that women don't like "just sex", and that's "how it is" regardless of what I believe. Umm, like everyone else -- people vary. Some women are going to like "just sex" (fb), or are going to like sex in a casual non-bf/gf relationship (fwb). Women as a whole statistically, are going to be more hush-hush than men are about liking sex with an aim Not to get into anything serious with the person.

If women didn't like just sex, then very few guys would have sex on Spring Break. It'd be limited to only the guys who tricked women into thinking they'd be LD BF/GF, or roofies in their drinks. No, sorry -- many (not all) girls go out there wanting to get ball-banged with horse c0ck. I say that explicitly and grossly to make a point. It's not a super-few. I think with women, it's more often in different temporal periods of their life, as with guys -- well, it's just anytime is as good as any - lol.

ANYWAY, back to what you asked -- there's a BIG difference between FWB & FB, and a difference between 1-night-stands and FB (which are "regulars" of 1-night stands, so to speak). FWB are actual friends -- with sexual relations as a side-dish, overshadowed by being actual friends. FB aren't real genuine friends -- that's more like being someone just being a "bar buddy". They're like a fellow-regular at a neighborhood bar who they shoot the sh!t with when they stop in about sports, chicks, etc. A Fvck Buddy (FB) is like someone who's a buddy in just in the bedroom, the same way.

I didn't point out the difference between a semi-regular or a regular. Re-read my original post. I said that Once they Start becoming even a semi-regular in someone's bedroom --> to a FWB, that's when the other person should/will be concerned. Isolated incidences shouldn't be (hooking up with a past ex; a Spring Break hookup), as that's not violating a FWB situation, and definitely not at all a FB situation.

If they're sleeping around A LOT with others, or starting to sleep around a lot with a select individual -- that's when a FWB and to a lesser extent a FB may be concerned. The swapping fluids concern.
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