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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....      Home login  
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 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 176
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....Page 8 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
^^^
See, that was a 2nd date.

You probably would have taken him more seriously after a few months of dating.

Note to self...

Agree on everything for the first 3 dates :)
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 177
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/10/2015 10:00:18 AM

He was even sort of laughing about it, as if it was just so silly for me to cling to my beliefs when he had tried to set me straight!


I can relate.

I tend to laugh my head off for about 5 days after getting told that my consumption and quantity of whiskey that I inhale is actually not good for me.

Fools.
 newoldgirl
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 178
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/10/2015 5:35:51 PM

I can relate.

I tend to laugh my head off for about 5 days after getting told that my consumption and quantity of whiskey that I inhale is actually not good for me.

Fools.


I know, right?

If I want a lecture, I know where my parents live :)
 coupdefoudre1
Joined: 4/26/2015
Msg: 180
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/10/2015 10:39:36 PM
I'll advance the counter argument, and state that it has been my experience that as women age they develop a hypersensitivity measured in atomic distances.

Anything that deviates from a very lugubrious normative standard is castigated as heretical.
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 181
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/11/2015 6:14:23 AM
You got that right!
 eternalrealist2015
Joined: 4/23/2015
Msg: 182
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/11/2015 6:21:25 AM

What on Earth are people being criticized about? Curious to hear.


I'll offer a couple examples (beyond the one I did earlier where the guy wrote on a first contact to tell me how he thought I was off base about something I'd said in my profile text and what he saw that to mean):

Last summer I went out with a man who thought I should dress differently - particularly that I should wear tighter and lower cut shirts when out in public. Note - I didn't ask his opinion of how I looked. He would not let it go. I explained to him that I had my OWN comfort level and personal style and that wasn't going to change. Was he being a good partner because he continually told me that I was making a mistake by not showing my goods more? I really think he thought he was doing me a favor. He always did it in a complimentary way but it started to feel VERY disrespectful. I'm an adult, I can choose how to present myself in public and I didn't understand why he felt it was constantly up for debate. He would not let it go, so I let him go... To me that is very different than telling someone that (for example) their pants are unzipped or they have toilet paper stuck to their shoe.

I've encountered several men that think that it's a good idea (I guess?) to make comments on parenting to me when we first discuss kids. Not about THEIR parenting styles, but critiquing mine before they really know me, my kids or the dynamics in my family. A lot of their comments are based on assumptions that aren't even correct. I would NEVER presume to do that to someone. Particularly when I've just met them. A man I went out with a few times 2 years ago made some pretty broad statements about my parenting. Just one example that I recall: the first time he entered my home was about 3 hours after my younger daughter had returned for the summer from college and her room was a disaster of unpacked boxes and suitcase - sthat seemed to incense him, that I would 'allow' that sort of mess under my roof. When I replied that she had just returned (which I'd told him, but I guess he didn't hear or listen - I'd even said, oh gosh don't even glance in there, a tornado has hit) he backpedaled, but why comment in the first place? - it didn't affect HIM. This was a man who'd taken a 2 year assignment across the country from his 11 year old daughter, something I'd never choose to do, but I didn't feel like I needed to comment on that. I'm sure he had good reasons.

I know folks of both genders who seem to think there is only ONE way to do things, only ONE way to look, to parent, to act, to date (h*ll, look at all the people in here speak on topics such as paying for a cup of coffee and project that decision practically to define a person's worth - honestly if I read the term 'broken bottle' one more time I may throw a bottle across the room and break it myself! (kidding, well, kind of)).

I don't think there is just one way to do things, I think there are many ways because PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. I do have a sense of what works for me but that is all I ever get to call. I just don't see how it's helpful to building a connection to let the other person know how wrong you think they are about things. Why not just spend your time/energy meeting someone who is more like minded?
 eternalrealist2015
Joined: 4/23/2015
Msg: 183
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/11/2015 6:23:07 AM
PS - BeyondBlueEyes and "The DMV"

It's a media term I think (I always hear it on the radio and I've been here 10 years now) - a short hand version of "The District/Maryland/VA".

And yeah, my high school friends from Ohio always call me out when I use it on FB too.
 satx78218
Joined: 10/30/2007
Msg: 184
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History
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/11/2015 12:51:37 PM
Older people probably often have a clearer picture of their values, principles, and certainly their (bad) experiences from previous relationships.

Trying to avoid red flags, avoid old scars, baggage, while trying to match values, principles, social/political/religious values, EXTREMELY hard.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 185
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The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/11/2015 1:19:56 PM
Someone only has to tell me how to dress or how to act, or whatever once. I'm not sticking around for the next time, it's not like this person is going to change, they show you who they are, I do not get the reason to keep seeing them at all. And it's not about me being right, them being wrong, it's that they showed me who they are, I don't care for their behavior, and so what's the point after that? And they are busy deciding what I should and shouldn't do, what a life they must have, always trying to save other people from themselves, it must be exhausting.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 186
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/11/2015 3:39:40 PM
Eternalrealist2015- Your date that went so ballistic about your daughters room, I would bet MONEY that was carry over from his last SO/marriage. It's highly likely he's a neat freak and that caused fights in his past relationships, which is why he reacted the way he did.
That is a battle I learned not to fight with my children, I ask them to pick up, if they don't the next time they ask to have friends over I tell them "not until your room is clean", that does the trick, you would be amazed how quickly a child can clean a room when properly motivated ;)
I think this "carry over" from past relationships is why some people are so nervy about telling others how to live their lives.
They see the signs, "oh, not THIS again" and they feel the need to change you.
HUGE mistake in thinking!
What I have learned to do is listen and observe.
People will tell you who they are, quickly enough, if you practice mindful listening and observing.
I have deal breakers/red flags too, but rather than approach it as a problem I need to "fix", I just ask myself,
"Can I deal with this?"
If the answer is no, I move on.
I learned the HARD way that you can't change someone.
As you have expressed so well, I too believe BOTH people accepting each other AS IS, is key.
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 187
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/11/2015 4:53:04 PM
Eternalrealist...damn.

I would never suggest to a woman to change her apparel to suit me. Sounds crass. I figure if she feels good about herself, that's a better attitude to deal with.

Parenting styles? They're your children, not mine.

Interestingly, I have had some women comment to me about how to handle issues with my oldest son. I wasn't really bothered by it as I do appreciate a females perspective (versus my ex). But yeah, I can see how that could become a thorny issue.

I figure if the messy room is your house, it's your problem, not ours.
 eternalrealist2015
Joined: 4/23/2015
Msg: 188
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/12/2015 7:03:26 AM

Eternalrealist...damn.


Ok, that really did make me Laugh - a little bit "Out Loud". Not just a typed acronym but an actual sound. Not sure why.

I think I'm someone who is always looking for the 'good' in people and I give a lot of folks a chance. I've been criticized for it...

The man who commented on my clothing choices is an artist. I will admit he's the first artist I ever dated, I suspect that I gave him a wider berth with those kind of comments because of it. I was so impressed with his talent and what he produced. The first time he said something about my wardrobe, I pushed back and his comment was: "Everything is a blank canvas to me, I mean no harm at all". I truly think he believed he was complimenting me. But a repeated: "I want you to dress/look differently" felt less and less like a compliment and more like a 'dig'.

Anyway, live and learn. I'm still 'friends' (on friendly terms is perhaps more accurate) with this guy - at least on FB. He was an interesting character.

As for the messy room - I mean, my daughter had LITERALLY been home from college an hour or two (a point I'd shared with this particular man, that he said 'he'd missed'. Of course, the room was a disaster. But even if she'd been home for weeks, I just don't see how it affected him AT ALL. It didn't even affect me - she keeps her door shut.

Again, I'm just not one to tell someone else how to do things differently, be different if they haven't even asked my opinion. I don't get that.


Interestingly, I have had some women comment to me about how to handle issues with my oldest son. I wasn't really bothered by it as I do appreciate a females perspective (versus my ex).


Have these comments been as part of a discussion or were they completely unsolicited?

When I am seeing someone who also has kids, I will discuss, solicit opinions when an issue I'm struggling with happens. I do find other perspectives really useful. I don't always think I'm right. I'm really lucky to have a good co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband, even though we don't always agree, we each listen to each other.

But this 'come out of the gate' with criticism? That to me has just become a huge turn off. I figure that sort of thing only gets more pronounced.

Hey - all my pictures are 'broken icons' - wonder what is up with that?
 eternalrealist2015
Joined: 4/23/2015
Msg: 189
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/12/2015 7:04:24 AM
PS - pics fixed, but couldn't edit to take that line out. Never mind!!!
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 190
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/12/2015 7:19:56 AM
I've run into that sort of critical thing too..when I was dating a few years back, I found a number of men over 50 had sort of turned into "dads"..or worse. I remember going on a date with someone who suggested I try some frozen yogurt at a spot after our dinner, so I stood in line to get one and he made some disparaging remark about my choice of flavor as if I was *crazy* to have picked it.

That one comment in and of itself was the deciding factor for me. Could I actually date this guy and did I want him in my life, around to make more weird, random criticisms? I mean, if he cant even endure my choice of dessert flavors..

I think LIFE gets to some of us. I am not immune to the general souring of optimism. I was always a critical, skeptical person but I did have that idealized mindset in my 20's that things will work out, people's poor behavior will eventually work itself out...it's worth hanging onto, etc etc...

That is LONG GONE.

At almost 50, many of us have our habits set, have been challenged financially, been thru divorces, and have had our career "dreams" dissolve into the slow sunset of middle age angst.

I can understand it to a point. I know the feeling...you kinda want and need things to reflect you and your values now. You need your space, you need your time, because for the last 30 years or so everyone else has been demanding it. You have things down to a science in your life, and deviation can be uncomfortable. You know what works now and what doesnt. So instead of being two fresh 18 year olds with a more open mind discovering things together, you are two 50 year olds who have learned most likely different ways to survive and think and they arent always compatible.

Middle age has proven to me to be an *impossible* age to date in. Absolutely impossible. But it's not always about men's attitudes. Something has died inside of me..the desire, the need, the will...maybe a combo of all of them.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 191
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/12/2015 8:42:58 AM

Middle age has proven to me to be an *impossible* age to date in. Absolutely impossible. But it's not always about men's attitudes. Something has died inside of me..the desire, the need, the will...maybe a combo of all of them.


Wow. I am at exactly the opposite side of your equation. In part because spiritually I've read a lot of Buddhist philosophy that taught me to let go of things. Second, when it comes to relationships, I realized that even with my maddening high standards, unfair attraction to very attractive women that are also smart, out going, but also damaged. That I have found what I want, that I get away with murder, but also that I realize that I also have to give, give a lot, and learn that in the coming to the middle is a reward into itself.

Take for instance mother's day. My girlfriend bought flowers to my mother and my sister, bought all the booze. I had the week before spent about $500 in gifts for her youngest boy little party. But this weekend I was so focused on the grilling and stuff that I was a total idiot and did not get her flowers or a card, or told her kids to do anything. I did not realize how important that was to her. I screwed up. And I told her that she had every right to feel dejected, even thought as she said it was nothing but a commercialized holiday with commercialized social expectations, no different than Valentines day, or Memorial day, or even Christmas. How could I not see it, after she bought flowers FOR ME to give to this women, how important it was to her as well. I feel like an idiot. Yet I feel blessed. I realize it's not about me or what I get, but what I can give and make others feel. And rather than feeling set on my ways, I feel like opening up, that I can try harder in making her feel like the most special woman in the world. So, I am working on it.
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 192
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/12/2015 10:39:05 AM
Ok, that does it!

I'm gonna join OurTime and feel young again!
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 193
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/12/2015 11:43:57 AM
I would agree that the main problem is that some people get old not just with age but with how they think as well. Just cause you get older don't mean you know everything or even know what is the best thing. I seen many people act as if they should know better then do this or that at there age. Well just cause you think you should know better you still should do it.
IG it does sound like you have a good woman there. You know more about your relationship not when things go smooth but when one of you screw up. How we or our partner handles it. Lets be honest there would be lots of screw ups especially on the our (men) side.

VK I'm sure you remember the movie kick the can from twilight zone. Sometimes we need to run down the hill fall down and get all scratched up to feel good about ourselves. Yes I do mean literally run down the hill.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAkm_dJXjSQ
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 194
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The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/21/2015 8:38:10 PM
I agree, "Eternal." I had a man (who never worked in public service) lecture me extensively and repeatedly about all the "career mistakes" that HE perceived I had made in my 25 year career in the state legislature. I finally quit listening to him....about ANYTHING.

And that was the end.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 195
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The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/22/2015 1:50:20 AM
Yes, actually ER, just remembered a guy who criticized everything from what I wore to how I placed the cutlery in the drainer when washing the dishes....

I realized that he grew up in a hyper-critical household, as did I, NOTHING was ever good enough....Surprise, surprise, that we found each other?!?!?! lol

Any way...was short-lived and I realized that re-creating that particular dynamic was no longer appealing to me in ANY way...Neither were dramatics of any kind, jealousy games, etc.

It all seemed to happen at once for me that I no longer felt the need to seek out those types of people....

The unavailable, the fearful the drama lovers, etc. ALL just lost their appeal to me, literally overnight....

Now I see them a mile off and wonder what I ever thought was appealing in the first place....??? The familiarity, perhaps??

Looking for uncomplicated, and easy these days...

Nit-pickers and drama queens need NOT apply... ;-)
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 196
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The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/22/2015 5:38:21 AM

. I'm an adult, I can choose how to present myself in public and I didn't understand why he felt it was constantly up for debate. He would not let it go, so I let him go...


I had the same type of thing with a woman who wanted to meet my son, we'd had one date so i told her i wasn't comfortable with that, i don't want him getting attached to someone unless i think they are going to be around for a while. For a solid week during every conversation we had on the phone she came up with a way to meet him which she thought bypassed my objection, basically saying that my objection was rubbish and couldn't possibly apply to her.
 eternalrealist2015
Joined: 4/23/2015
Msg: 197
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/22/2015 7:17:49 AM

Ok, that does it!

I'm gonna join OurTime and feel young again!


Hmmmmm.... Should I be embarrassed that I actually did this last week? (Joined OurTime)?

Commence laughing at me now... It's ok!

But ... I figured - why not give it a try. I joined match about the same time I put up a PoF profile (a month(ish) ago and this time around - I've been on Pof and match before) The one thing that kept happening with match, I'd be presented with 'suggested matches' but when I clicked on the profile the vast majority of guys my age don't want to date my age (which has been discussed in other places and I have no beef with it, but I'm also not going to reach out to someone whose criteria I clearly don't meet).

So I figured OurTime might be different - I mean, a 55 year old guy isn't going to be expecting to meet a 35 year old on there, right?

One faux pas of the site - as I was creating my profile, but before I PAID my dues, they were trying to tempt me with 'guys from your area' and one picture? Guy from the TV commercial. Good grief, I'm sure he doesn't live here. lol.
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 198
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The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/22/2015 11:16:07 AM
You dated my ex bf!!! Yup, complained about the cutlery in the drainer. I told him people usually say thanks for doing the dishes.


Yes, actually ER, just remembered a guy who criticized everything from what I wore to how I placed the cutlery in the drainer when washing the dishes
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 199
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The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/22/2015 12:05:01 PM
In all fairness, this isn't an exclusively "guy thing"....

I remember my sister's ex riding his bike about 25 miles, to go to her house and refinish her kitchen floor to surprise her....

He screwed up a spot that was ALWAYS under a throw rug in front of the sink....

We're talking the urethane wasn't completely smooth and the only way to see this horrible mistake, was to pick up the rug and to look REALLY closely....lol

All she COULD see was that problem area, and seemed to have forgotten that the man had ridden 25 MILES on a BICYCLE, and did the whole thing in less than a couple of hours, in order to surprise her...?!?!?!

Some people just have a difficult time appreciating things for what they are...and find fault in virtually everything.....

Kind of sad...because they're never QUITE....happy, with ANYTHING.....
 newoldgirl
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 200
The older the man the more critical and judgmental he is....
Posted: 5/22/2015 12:56:01 PM

In all fairness, this isn't an exclusively "guy thing"....


No, indeed. Some people are just predisposed to look for the flaws.
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