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Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 40
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Girlfriend's kids Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Just because you and your GF are playing house does not make you a 'family' to her kids.

You have only been together 3 years, I'm not sure how long you waited between meeting Mom and moving in, but it appears to me that it happened very quickly and you now expect everyone to just jump on-board the fake family bus.
Kids don't work that way. I have been with my BF 7 years and he is still 'Mom's BF' to my kids (and their Dad passed away). They treat him with respect but don't love him or seek to spend time alone with him.

These children have a Dad who is active in their lives, they also want to spend time alone with Mom without you tagging along. My advice is to encourage them to go out with their Mom and try to enjoy the free time that gives you.
Joined: 7/14/2007
Msg: 41
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Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/13/2015 5:06:27 PM
Op.just go out and find a woman to make a life with with the kids you may or may not have together,forget the BS and trying to fill another man's shoes,often while he is still in them,forget the BS about how much of a man everybody will think you are because you have chosen to be a tag along seeking membership in a club you will ever belong to from people who will always see you as an outsider and will circle the wagons against you in an instant......are there exceptions ? sure,but you stand an excellent chance of not being one of them

No man of any age should ever under any circumstances spend time alone with other people's kids....the accusation of improper behviour alone is enough to ruin your life if not put you in woman or child is worth it.

People with children male or female should first raise their kids with as much involvement as is possible with the person you made them with....then go out and date.
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 42
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/13/2015 5:15:14 PM

Well, wasn't that a little over the top???? The more time on this earth the more I understand that there are a LOT of people that should NEVER be parents, biological or otherwise. Holy moly macaroni!!!!!!
Joined: 2/17/2015
Msg: 43
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/13/2015 5:22:56 PM
^ You watch your language :/
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 44
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/13/2015 10:47:32 PM

If the girls would lighten up and relax there would be enough attention for the both of them, I said. I would like to hear from other people and hear their experiences and ask if I am being unreasonable. I should also add that the eldest dislikes her dad's wife, but the wife is more pushy than I am.

Because you “take care of them financially” it naturally follows that you want to set some of the rules. Unfortunately, it appears the teen girl doesn’t see it this way. I’m curious why are you supporting someone you do not live with?

I would guess that if you were not around the teen would probably not want to spend much time with her mom; it is a power play and if you are smart you’ll encourage it, not fight it. Give her even more time than they want; the teen will soon be sick of it.

I consider us a family, my girlfriend considers us a family; however the two considers us a family but will not go anywhere or do anything with me without their mom.

After three years of being around them post-divorce I think this strange and a conflicting statement. I think the girls do not see you as family why their reluctance to be alone with you or you’ve done something to turn them off to you. How does your GF see this?

You need to come back here and give us some answers please.

Joined: 4/9/2015
Msg: 45
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/13/2015 10:50:52 PM
I'd like to make a minor note of praise for the men that have taken on the task of role model. It's a tough job. For those that really care about the kids and do your best you are unsung heros. And a warning for those that walk in expecting to call the shots you're setting yourself up for failure. There's nothing wrong with seeking help.

Back on topic. OP my parents were still married when I was a teen. This was a time when wanting to do things with my mother became important to me. I want to be around her more than I had in several years. I wanted to learn more about her and from her. This is a normal part of growing up.
Joined: 10/6/2014
Msg: 46
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/14/2015 6:38:04 AM
The lesson to be learned here is ... don't date women with kids. Problem solved.
Joined: 2/22/2014
Msg: 47
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/14/2015 8:28:16 AM
How is a mother/daughter day going to take away from the family feel you are wanting.. ??

Frequently in married relationships the mom and dad have date nights, should the children bemoan this fact since they aren't a real family due to that night alone?

I raised my daughters as a single mom, and I took pains to not only spend time as a family, but also with each individual child. With all due respect, you clearly have no idea what it's like to raise children. You somehow have the idea that their needs are interfering with yours.. well, guess what? As a parent.. a role you claim to want to have.. you have to put your own needs aside for the kids quite often. Paying the bills ain't the only requirement, not by a long shot.

If you cared about their feelings, this wouldn't even come close to being an issue. If they have to fight for alone time with their mother because you get all affronted... they WILL. Keep that in mind.
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 48
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Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/14/2015 9:48:04 AM

These children have a Dad who is active in their lives, they also want to spend time alone with Mom without you tagging along. My advice is to encourage them to go out with their Mom and try to enjoy the free time that gives you.

^^^ +1

In addition, there is a very big distinction between the financial support you give, and the expectation that you are "family". I find that kids have no idea where money comes from nor do they really care. What you do financially for them really has no bearing on your "acceptance" to them as family. Don't expect to somehow "buy" your way into their good graces - it simply doesn't happen. Give them the time they are asking for with their mom and you will probably gain more acceptance because of it.

OP, you should seriously consider a LAT (living apart together) arrangement until the kids get older if you are serious with this lady. A LAT would provide natural "alone" time for kids and parents, and you would never have to be in this kind of situation. In addition, a withdrawal of financial support somewhat would also be a good test to see if you are truly appreciated for who you are, or if you are simply there as financial support and nothing more.
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 49
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/14/2015 9:51:09 AM
It's obvious, OP, that you view the kids as baggage. They will sense it, and when they do, it would be almost impossible to undo the view they have of you. Kids are not like they are portrayed on TV and in movies, where they are portrayed as being miniature adults who have a great deal of wisdom and maturity, and always make good decisions. Real life doesn't work that way. I don't know why you would get into a relationship in the first place with a mother if you consider kids as a source of interference in the relationship. How much time do you spend at her place versus how much time she spends at yours? Either way, I don't see things ending well.
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 50
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/14/2015 11:35:04 AM

I am pretty simple, I like to ride my mountain bike, hiking, camping,
and other stuff outdoors. I am pretty easy going, laid back and
I want to find someone who I can relate to and be with.
Relationships are hard, but I am willing to do the work.

Ummmm....not cool!!

How about end one relationship before hunting
for another one!?

Do all three a favor and just end it!

If your girlfriend knew you were here saying
that she's happily spend ALL her time with her girls!
Joined: 3/6/2015
Msg: 51
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/14/2015 11:51:38 AM
Maybe I'll get my guy card yanked for this, but it does sound like you are looking for either an exit strategy or a li'l sumthin-sumthin on the side.

I think you need a guys' night out with Demidar as your wing man.

Bottom line, I do not think that your gf and her daughters are being unreasonable.
But you are certainly welcome to try and play the financial card.
I can "sorta" understand your point there, but IMO, the kind of woman I have loved would send you out the door with your head under your arm and your nuts in a brown paper sack for such a tactic.
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 52
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Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/2/2016 11:02:13 PM
Since this topic is about a year old, I wonder if this issue was ever resolved.
Joined: 12/24/2015
Msg: 53
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/3/2016 12:40:01 AM
You mean like, in court?
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 54
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/3/2016 10:38:44 AM
That's why you never date anyone with kids.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 55
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Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/3/2016 9:30:27 PM

An issue happened a month a go when my girlfriend sat next to me, her eldest asked her to sit next to her; I left and then the eldest start crying saying that she does not get to see her mom as much and that I am always around and there is not "mom/daughter time". My girlfriend texts me and said that one day is strictly for the girls and my girlfriend.

You're not a family if you're banned from being around them all 1 day a week. :)

I respond that I signed up for family and this nonsense and hurtful cause I am left out. I don't agree, but I respect their wishes and I don't understand because the girls are always competing for their mom's attention.

I think having a "1 day stay away" Rule is unnecessary. I mean, if 1 day a week they're going to be going out somewhere together, etc -- for girl-time and all that, which would make going over to her house unnecessary for all practical purposes, sure. You don't need rules or anything. You don't need to be sitting next to her every time you're with her and her daughters. My first goal would be to make the girls feel more lightened up and less attention-threatened. Once you establish that for a while, if they were to ever complain even mildly, you could say with a smile "Hey, if anything, I would get criticism from some couples that I'm not attention-affectionate Enough with your mom. I err on the side to make sure mother-daughter time is really fruitful. There's no competition here, I'm not an older sister, we're in a different boat. Apples & oranges."
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 56
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/4/2016 9:26:08 AM
Gosh, I wonder what is it with people who feel they have to be #1 in someone's life, even when they are with someone who has children, like wtf?
Joined: 3/6/2016
Msg: 57
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/4/2016 9:43:37 AM
It depends on the age, but both men and women has similar issue with this.
Younger people, tend to want the freedom that only truly single people can have.
A girl with kids can't go hang out at the beach at 2 am, and talk until the sunrise when you have kids...fact is there's lots of limitations...even if she has kids that are teenagers and nearly grown.

Older women or men have kids and understand the headaches kids bring and know that #1 thing is far gone.
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 58
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/4/2016 1:54:15 PM
jack504505- You have to understand that these girls have been through their mom and dad divorcing.
That's not an easy situation for anyone, the adjustment period can be hard.
Then, when a parent starts dating, now they are having to get used to someone else in their lives and someone else with their parents.
I think you are being selfish and a tad unreasonable.
Stop thinking only about yourself and put yourself in your girlfriends shoes and her girls shoes, try to TRULY understand how THEY feel.
If you will do that, it's likely you will be more understanding.
Your girlfriend has a valid point. Getting home at 6 in the evening doesn't leave much time for her with you or the girls.
You get one on one time with your girl friend on the 7th day when their father takes them.
Relax and stop competing with children and/or putting your girl friend on the spot and asking her to choose between you and her girls.
If you keep it up, she will choose all right and you won't like the outcome.
Give the girls time to bond with you, offer to take them to do things just you and them and expect nothing in return. They aren't going to accept you right away and that will NEVER happen if you keep the attitude you have now.
The situation CAN work, you just have to be the adult, let the kids be kids.
Your girlfriend can love her girls and you, but if you keep backing her into a corner, you will wear her feelings down to nothing and the relationship will end.
I hope you can see what the right choice is.
Joined: 3/25/2016
Msg: 59
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/5/2016 7:00:06 PM
A couple of things you stated:

1: They don't want to spend time with you without their mother around. The presence of a non-biologically related man in a house exponentially increases the risk of abuse to children. Now you may be an absolutely perfect Daddy, but children inherently understand that you may be a risk to them. You are not family and that may never happen.

2: Your girlfriend is a 'Great woman, but kind of selfish'. How is she selfish?

3: 'I take care of them financially'. So what does that have to do with this?

Kids can and should be able to spend time alone with their parents. However, I do agree that it doesn't have to be a full day once a week. She could cook meals or grocery shop with her girls. They could take a class together at night. You shouldn't always be excluded. It makes it hard for the four of you to bond.
Joined: 3/26/2013
Msg: 60
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/6/2016 11:45:23 AM
Give her what she asked for. Don't think just because you provide financial stability for the family doesn't mean you have final say. Her kids were there before you and they will be there if you're gone, too.

If you love someone enough to make them work as a family, then you have to make sacrifices. Part of being a family.
Joined: 9/7/2015
Msg: 61
Girlfriend's kids
Posted: 4/8/2016 9:20:52 PM
Let 'em go get their nails done!

It's fine. It's allllll fine.
And if you want to be the hero, offer to pay for it. They'll LOVE you for it. (can I empahsize LOVE)
If you don't, then don't.

Girls need their girl time. They'll come back all happy and with fabulous looking nails to boot.

Welcome to the World of Girls!

Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Girlfriend's kids