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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness      Home login  
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 HippyDippyWeatherman
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 26
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Where you are all wrong on dealing with lonelinessPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I was so lonely one time, even my shadow disappeared.
 sigungq
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 27
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Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 4/28/2015 8:23:51 PM

CharminC wrote:

Don't we all have the universe and heart with us?? ;)


Universe? Yes. Heart? I'm not so sure everyone does......... ;-)
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 28
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Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/4/2015 3:58:01 AM
I can imagine it is terrible to exist in such an emotional void although i can't really imagine how terrible it is having never lived it, to grow up without ever having a christmas or birthday, it's not something i can get my head around. I can't help thinking of people i've known though who, complaining that they were lonely, still rejected any and all attempts by other people to include them in things like parties and outings, and then got bitter when everyone else stopped making offers. I'm sure they had reasons for rejecting what was being offered, maybe it wasn't exactly what they wanted and they couldn't get past that, maybe they were so tied up inside that they couldn't see an offer when it was made, i don't know, i can't know, i can only imagine.

I get that it can feel even worse to be surrounded by people at a church or whatever and still feel alone, i get that a pet isn't a person and can't be everything for you that a person could be, but nothing in life gets handed out for free, you have to give a bit to get anything back, you can't find something if you're really not open to finding it. Sometimes things don't work out and you get knocked on your ass and i get how that can reinforce the disconnection and bitterness and make it feel like the universe has it in for you, but when life hands out the lemons you have two choices, make lemonade or get a hammer and shove that lemon so far up the universes behind that it spits pips.

I'm not belittling anyone who feels such a crushing disconnection, or at least i don't intend to, but given the subject it's difficult to say anything that isn't wholehearted agreement and support without it sounding like a criticism, but i can't help remembering a chatroom meet and greet in Hyde park a number of years ago, some guy stood a dozen feet from the closest group for about half an hour before vanishing and posting later how no one had talked to him, the organizer had approached him a couple of times, people had gestured him over and offered their picnics. Short of hogtying him what else could they have done?
I'm not saying it was his own fault for not joining in, maybe he was crippled by social anxiety, for all i know it took an heroic effort for him to turn up at all, but at the end of the day other people can only do so much, they can't force someone to join in and to be honest why should they? We all have to make the choice to step forward, it's not enough to want to be included, we have to take that step forward and keep taking it.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 29
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Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/5/2015 12:06:02 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Excellent post!....

+1000

'Spits pits', good one...;-)
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 30
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Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/5/2015 3:39:23 AM
I have my moments, when i'm not writing a novel to answer a yes or no question. :)
 loveisatemple
Joined: 3/28/2014
Msg: 31
Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/5/2015 6:07:21 AM
"I read so many opinions on that other thread, all apparently written by people who really aren't that lonely or ever had to deal with true loneliness. "

You really are insensitive and lack compassion yourself.

"Get a dog, cat, bird, read, walk, join the church, gym, meetup group, jog, drive, volunteer, do that and that and the other thing. Everyone who really doesn't get it, seems to have an opinion on how not to get lonely. "

These are building connections to humans, animals, the community. Wtf is wrong about that?Oh yeah, you would actually have to extend yourself and work at a social life and developing social skills.

"But there is one thing no one can seem to grasp about loneliness.
You still eat alone, you still sleep alone, you wake up to no one beside you or in the other room. No one calls you or invites you. You disappear from the radar."

Oh nobody gave you an intimate partner.

"Imagine not having a mom or dad, living an abandoned foster care life. Imagine a spouse who pretended to love you then left you for someone of the same sex after 20 years, and turned your only child against you. Imagine what few friends you had (ex spouse turned out to be anti social and never made friends) all abandoned you because they weren't comfortable with her new lifestyle.
Imagine your work peers starting to shun you because of that incident and because now you are the single guy in a sea of married couples, the odd man out."

Ok, I did that. Want to trade for some of my worst experiences? I bet you wouldn't. What you described wouldn't stain me for life. I would get a new date if it mattered soooo much.

"Yeah, I'm forum savvy enough to know because of my gender and opinion, the usual gang will attack me and blame it all on me. Go ahead."

If you are passive and unattractive in personality, duh, you will be alone and a pity seeking, negative person, nobody wants.

"Point is, you are NOT ME and have not lived my life. Did you spend christmases alone growing up? Or birthdays where no one acknowledged it? Were you carted cross country coast to coast back and forth while relatives long dead who didn't care about you handed you off to yet another foster care family? "

Yeah, some of that happened to me. So what? I have all my limbs, my creativity and vision to try to be constructive, not easy but still doing it, wouldn't say I am "happy"( that was never a "goal", but to feel I am making progress, taking steps forward), but I am less pained.

"And now, I tried and gave it my best shot with what I was given, came out better than most, and am dying of loneliness. "

Good for you that you overcame an unhappy childhood but life is full of neverending challenges. And do not let this latest sorrow stop you from trying again. We begin over and over in life and one is only old when one stops this.

"Keep your church and YMCA and volunteering, because it doesn't warm up my bed at night or shares a coffee with me at breakfast time. No cards at holidays or birthday. No family reunions. No nieces or nephews or siblings or grandparents to buy gifts for."

Those places have people there, that is the point, duh. Get off your ass and connect if you want or need it so badly, nobody is stopping you. If you are one of those who expect to be pursued, just stop deluding yourself. Women are not going to chase you and if you are one of many guys on here whining because women don't avail themselves to you, basically climb onto your lap, just know women are not going to take pity on you. You need to have something positive about you, end of story. If you do not, that is why you are alone..

"That, my friends, is true loneliness."
Self imposed because some people are in love with victimhood.
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 32
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Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/5/2015 7:10:44 AM

I have my moments, when i'm not writing a novel to answer a yes or no question. :)


Meh...I'm ALWAYS getting told that I'm too 'verbose'.....

I figure I'm here to enjoy myself and practice writing, and if others don't like it, they are free to skip over my posts and go on to the ones that interest them....

The ones who 'get me' are reading and responding, and giving feedback...and hey!

You can't please ALL of the people ALL of the time....

And I enjoy your posts, so keep them coming....;-)
 GattoMonstrosis
Joined: 4/4/2013
Msg: 33
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Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/5/2015 7:34:00 AM

You can't please ALL of the people ALL of the time....


I've always liked "You can make something foolproof but you can't make it damnfoolproof." :)
 Dee4166
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 34
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Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/5/2015 9:11:09 AM
^^^^^^^^^^

Good one! I'll have to remember that one..... ;-)
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 35
Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/5/2015 10:01:53 AM

I've always liked "You can make something foolproof but you can't make it damnfoolproof." :)

Yeah, that's what they say about condoms. But once you factor in knowing how to actually using them, and not marinating in affecting environments (like a wallet) -- then it's more like a toaster -- it just works. Combine that with the pull-out method for visual effect -- and I'd say that pretty damn fool proof! :)
 overunity
Joined: 8/16/2014
Msg: 36
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Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/5/2015 10:10:00 AM
"Meh...I'm ALWAYS getting told that I'm too 'verbose'....."

ALWAYS? Really?
 You_Never_Knew_Me
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 37
Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/24/2015 1:09:48 PM
Oh how that other thread has made this one ugly. You people don't see it. I'll show you.

http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts16309922.aspx

subject: How Do you deal with loneliness?

So I'm 32 years old and have been single my whole life. I have always been very shy and suffer from social anxiety which has made dating almost impossible. I have worked very hard to deal with my issues and have made a lot of progress, but I still haven't had much luck when it comes to dating. I try really hard to stay positive and be happy being single, but lately it's been very difficult. My question is to the people who are in the same situation as me. How do you deal with being alone?

The OP accidently created two questions for everyone to choose from. The problem is alone and loneliness are not synonyms. advice to someone who is alone does not apply to someone suffering from loneliness. Yes suffering, loneliness can lead to depression or worse. Where you cure feeling alone usually by being with somebody, "Voila you're not alone."

1

I read so many opinions on that other thread, all apparently written by people who really aren't that lonely or ever had to deal with true loneliness.

This OP didn't see that there were two questions and was baffled by the posts. He didn't realise that the people who talked about alone were answering the second question. He saw the second question that's why he was upset by their opinions. Once again they don't apply to loneliness.
 You_Never_Knew_Me
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 38
Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/25/2015 11:22:16 AM
OP - 1

ever had to deal with true loneliness

I can imagine it gnaws at you constantly interfering with you're every day life. I wonder if it happens more often when you're not working because you have all this free time to keep your mind occupied thus keeping the loneliness at bay. I can imagine that depression might have grown out of this and now you deal with two threats to your well being.

I can imagine that your interests have become limited and you have even lost interest in those. Of course this might not be the case. I can imagine you have withdrawn from people and feel like an outsider when in a social setting if one is thrust upon you. I can imagine taking a shower is difficult because you are left too your own thoughts and loneliness overshadows everything else.


And now, I tried and gave it my best shot with what I was given, came out better than most, and am dying of loneliness.

I can imagine that your life is hell and wanting to die is the only solution. It might be better if you accepted it for what it is and do your best to live your life around it. I can imagine what it's like to live your life waiting to die and at times it eats you up that you now are battling three demons.

I can imagine that you might be choosing between a natural death and suicide.
 You_Never_Knew_Me
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 39
Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/25/2015 11:46:09 AM
_Shakti_ - 5

So 'true' loneliness is the loneliness that YOU have experienced?

Pretty much. You should remember this man has suffered loneliness all his life which was not the result of anything he had done. He grew up with it and it became ingrained in his personality. He can't turn it off and eats at him constantly. As for true loneliness it is all encompassing and can overpower their minds and lead to suicide. Try to imagine someone who's had it for 12 years and no matter what he does thoughts of loneliness intrudes on their mind constantly. It never goes away.

Have you never had a client whose depression was caused by loneliness? Quite often they go hand in hand.



How can we measure such things?

How do you measure, bipolar disorder, depression or schizophrenia? You can't because it varies from individual to individual. You have the criteria which will diagnose someone and measure the intensity I imagine. Loneliness inhibits life just like those three illnesses and can change a person's thinking just like they do.

Alone has nothing to do with loneliness except that someone like this usually spends more time than most alone.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 40
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Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/25/2015 3:12:41 PM
It's obvious that some handle alone better than others. I grew up in an area with few neighbors, and even fewer kids. I became self entertaining. But then, my father was always around me, I was a "Farm boy" Drive tractors at 8 years old. I had chores to do. I rode around town in the back end of a pickup, selling eggs to people while my dad delivered them to restaurants. Little did I know that I was being set up for self reliance. Thinking for myself.

Now, I do things for myself. My relationships are not done in desperation. I get accused of being too fussy. I should lower my standards, my wants, to have a relationship. If I give up too much, then I won't like it. So, I won't, and my critics can go fly a kite.
 greatblah
Joined: 11/14/2012
Msg: 41
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Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/29/2015 4:41:28 PM
Try reading lots of Nietzsche. I'm serious.
 You_Never_Knew_Me
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 42
Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/30/2015 9:33:49 AM
innergorilla - 9

Big wooppy! You are so special

You're level of intolerance pertaining to people with mental problems borders on hatred.


But also realize that loneliness is a state of mind and it's a choice.

You also said something like, "It's in your MIND. Your MIND.

A choice? Why are you so narrow minded that you can't figure the simplest concepts. A person with mental problems doesn't choose it. It's given out for free, taxes included and for some it totally fucks up their lives. As for the MIND. It is it impossible for you to conceive that people with mental problems have a defective brain which has led to their state of MIND?


Quit measuring people based on how your mind works. It's not even close.



You can go to a mall and people watch. You can go to a book store and read and talk to people. You can join clubs, organizations, hobbies and communicate with people. You can even choose to do it online. But if you're alone, it's your choice.

Easy for you to say, difficult for them to do. Some will lose interest in what they used to do. Some will begin to think that they are not welcome at social events, some will get depression and look at the future in a way it's not supposed to be seen, some will kill themselves. It's not as ugly as some mental problems but it can be deadly.

A choice? Seriously, do you really think these people would choose to ruin their lives?

You have to quit thinking that alone and loneliness mean the same thing. Alone and Loneliness are not synonyms, they don't mean the same thing.
 You_Never_Knew_Me
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 43
Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/30/2015 9:50:53 AM
youstillthere - 10

You are most dangerous when you are backed into a corner and have no where else to go and no hope.
It is there that you are also the most powerful that you can ever be. You can use this power to overcome anything, or make improvements in your life.

Not exactly? Once a person loses hope they don't see a future and pretty much can't overcome much of anything nor make their lives better.


If you feel you are dying, and have reached bottom, that isnt going to be low enough.

Have you ever been low enough to try and kill yourself? Being without hope is usually a precursor to that journey.

Once hope is lost there is no power against what assails them.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 44
Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/30/2015 6:19:57 PM
plywood12- I also grew up without my parents, I was raised by my grand parents (my mothers parents).
They are both dead, my grandfather died when my oldest son was 2, he never knew my other two children, my grandmother has been dead for 10 years.
Both of my parents were alcoholics, my mother died almost two years ago, she died on my youngest sons 14th birthday.
I had a child out of wedlock at 19 and met and married someone who was awful to me most of the time, I stayed for 21 years.
I was very close to my grandmothers sister as a child, she died when I was four.
I became very attached to the pastor of my church, I was a bullied teen and he talked to me and cared, he died two days after my sixteenth birthday.
There was a girl that sat next to me in home room my freshman year of high school, she lived down the road from me and befriended me and protected me, She was killed in a motorcycle accident when she was 16.
My brothers best friend growing up was like another brother to me, he was killed his senior year of high school.
My father hired a private detective agency and found me when I was 39. I became very close to one of his sister's, my Aunt, she felt more like a mother to me than my own mother. Within a year of my father finding me, she died in her sleep.
Two of my mothers sisters, other Aunts I loved are both dead, one died from a brain tumor, the other from breast cancer,
My fathers brother, my uncle was married to a wonderful women who had a family reunion the year my father found me, just so I could meet everyone, she made me feel welcome and wanted. She died last year from breast cancer.
My mother had a younger sister who was also placed for adoption, we didn't know where she was, or the two youngest brothers, until she found us. Two years ago, I traveled to North Carolina to meet her and she introduced me to one of the younger brothers, the other I didn't get to meet and won't. Both of them have died.
My ex husband had a nephew that I considered my own, we were very close, he told me everything and I loved him with all my heart. He died 6 years ago from AIDS.
My sisters first baby, a son, was stillborn. If you ever think you have known sadness, you haven't until you go to a baby's funeral.
My sister has become a drug addict, we don't see each other any more.
Since my father found me 5 years ago, not only have I lost two Aunts, my first cousin also died.
Just a few months ago, another of my brothers childhood friends died, he was 47.
Life is not always fair.
Tragic things happen to perfectly good people.
Having gone through so much, suffering so much loss has been hard.
I have not given up, I won't.
I have lost a lot, but I have 3 wonderful kids, I left my marriage and am stronger and happier now, I have a beautiful little grand daughter and another on the way in July.
I still have two nephews and a niece, my brother and I are close, I talk to my father every Sunday and travel once a year to see him and my remaining family on his side and my mothers sister, who lives 20 minutes from him.
If I focused on all that I have lost, I would be crazy or like my sister.
I have chosen, instead, to focus on what I do have, to not let all of this break me, but to grow stronger and move forward.
This didn't happen by magic, I didn't choose to have such tragedy in my life, but I did choose, that by God, my children would have a better life than I did and that I would, and have, make something of myself.
Life, you see, is not about what happens to you, it's what you do about it.
I will not loose hope, I will choose to be happy, because the worst thing that could happen to me would not be to lose things or people, the worse thing that can happen is to willingly give up.
 You_Never_Knew_Me
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 45
Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/31/2015 1:52:41 AM
^^^^^^
" the worse thing that can happen is to willingly give up"

People with mental problems do not willingly choose their affliction. They have no control over it. In their minds they aren't willingly giving up. They are trying to find the solution. Yes the worse thing that can happen is to willingly give up. To those few who do, they probably consider it a release.
 You_Never_Knew_Me
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 46
Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/31/2015 2:02:24 AM
purplerider1200 - 11


You have to start something. In general, I have found that few invite anyone to do anything.

Well, Mr. Optimism it appears you are talking about alone. People who have gone through loneliness for too long may have difficulty meeting people unfortunately. Your ideas are great and some may be able to apply them.
 motowncowgirl
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 47
Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/31/2015 7:37:17 AM

Easy for you to say, difficult for them to do. Some will lose interest in what they used to do. Some will begin to think that they are not welcome at social events, some will get depression and look at the future in a way it's not supposed to be seen, some will kill themselves. It's not as ugly as some mental problems but it can be deadly.

if developing your own coping mechanisms were easy 100% of the time, nobody would care because nobody would ever have to think about using their experiences as a force for positive change instead of malingering.

losing interest in what they used to do is a classic case of clinical depression, and that requires professional help... not a pep talk from a dating site forum. clinical depression is NOT situational, nor is it the same as feeling sorry for yourself because your habitual way of thinking (mind) has taken you into a rut of your own invention. like you said, alone and loneliness are not the same.... clinical depression is not self-pity.


A choice? Seriously, do you really think these people would choose to ruin their lives?

if people don't deliberately choose to ruin their lives, then why do you think they engage in self-destructive behavior or kill themselves?
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 48
Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/31/2015 11:23:00 AM
You Never Knew Me- I never said that people with mental problems choose it.
In fact, any where on these forums that I have mentioned mental illness, I have always said they can't control it.
How someone could read all that I wrote and shared and make something negative out of it is beyond me.
I have shared some of these things on these forums, but never all of these things that are so personal to me at once.
I wasn't trying to come across as a saint or judge the OP.
I was doing the opposite. I shared what I did to show that is possible to have awful things happen and still find a way to cope and move forward.
I hope the OP reads what I wrote and realizes he is not alone in the world, that many of us have dealt with tragedy and loss and found a way to over come it.
Op, in no way was I judging you.
I don't want to see anyone give up and loose all hope, the point of what I shared was to help you.
I hope I did.
 norwegianguy123
Joined: 10/27/2014
Msg: 49
Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/31/2015 3:36:27 PM

People with mental problems do not willingly choose their affliction. They have no control over it. In their minds they aren't willingly giving up. They are trying to find the solution. Yes the worse thing that can happen is to willingly give up.

You can't give up or give in to something you have NO control over. Which is why it'd be silly to say everyone with a mental problem has absolutely NO control over it.

Bob: I have no control of how the Iran government operates. But I'm not giving up!
Jim: Not giving up what?
Bob: Making them stop their bad ways.
Jim: But you have on control over how it operates, what are you giving up?
Bob: Bread. I'm not going to eat bread anymore.
Jim: Umm, okay...
Bob: Hey, did your mom do laundry today?
Jim: No, I don't thi-- wait, why are you asking?
Bob: Good, good. I like smelling her undergarments from the laundry pile when I go over there.
Jim: Okay. I think you have some mental problems.
Bob: Yeah, but I don't have ANY control over it, so there's nothing for me to give in to, or to give up! Bye bye responsibility! Phew!
 DeepakChoprahWinfrey
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 50
Where you are all wrong on dealing with loneliness
Posted: 5/31/2015 3:38:47 PM
Loneliness , in my case , leads to an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness ... and then a feeling of wanting to just go away and end the suffering once and for all
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