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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > "I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!"      Home login  
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 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 76
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!Page 4 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)

Ok, now that I've regained my composure, I just want to say I've seen this hackneyed phrase on dozens of profiles, and I can't help but wonder if this is really 100% accurate.

Now sure, one could say a "man" is not a necessity per se, but I can't help but feel there's a certain element of "need" in the equation. For the life of me, I can't compare "wanting" a life partner to wanting a new car, house, or any other material item. Oh, and before any women decide to jump all over this and scream "well, what about the MEN?!?!", yes, I believe there's an element of need for men, as well, it's just that I've simply never heard a man utter these words in reference to women.


Note; I have not read the whole thread.


The only time I've ever heard a man saying he needs a woman is when he hasn't been laid in a long time. By this time, there's one in the wrong side of town and he has a fifty in his pocket. *guffaws*
It's easier to say I want rather than I need. I exposes vulnerability, a weakness.
I find it's part of an egotistical soapbox or some journey of personal growth to shout out "I don't need a man!".
Fear of being a doormat , fear of being taken for granted, etc etc etc.
Something drives them to make this proclamation.
It's funny,
.....women who say this think they are being so strong and capable exerting their independence but it takes even more strength to admit vulnerability to a man. Trust him to not to abuse it. Then again, she has to do her part.
Making certain to maintain the balance of continuing to be independent to suit herself yet vulnerable enough to lean on her man.....and not allowing herself be abused.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 77
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 9:13:31 AM
The same phrase can be applied when it comes to having kids. Nobody needs kids, but most people want them.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 78
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 9:59:43 AM

The same phrase can be applied when it comes to having kids. Nobody needs kids, but most people want them.


Funny you should bring that one up maleman because I was just about to post on it. There are women who legitimately feel they need a man and then there are others who want one (because it would be nice) but without needing one to "complete them". It's not a one size fits all kind of thing, whether it be needing or wanting.

What I find with the analogy to the needing or wanting kids is that what you're getting here in this thread, by and large, is the shaming aspect. Apparently, the majority feels that you have to need a man or you're somehow deficient or lacking in some way or that you have had too many hurts in the past - in the same way that people who have kids or want kids figure there is something deficient or lacking in some way if you don't have the desire to have kids and they use shame by telling those who don't want them they are selfish, etc. - because THEY are the ones who have the need/want, whatever you wish to call it - and project it on everyone else.

By general definition, want is a "desire" for something and need is the "requirement" for something "essential". It's obvious that many feel the desire is a need for their well-being, but there are those who figure that although the "want" is there because it would be nice, the need really isn't essential at all for their well-being and truly can take it or leave it. My question is why do either figure they have to shame the other because their wants or needs happen to be different, even if for different reasons?
 Silverhawk_tkn
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 79
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I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 10:34:04 AM

I'm with you, OP. I have no interest in being some accessory to a woman's life, which is how I think many women think of their men.

Whenever this topic comes up, I can never get out of my mind how many times women NEED to tell you that they only WANT you and that they have no NEED for you at all, but when the inevitable break up comes she complains that you didn't meet her NEEDS.....

... it's all very confusing, though it's not difficult to conclude that in a relationship only her NEEDS are important and that is why she WANTS you around because she NEEDS her NEEDS met....

... which is why I've chosen not to care what a woman's NEEDS are anymore because I really don't WANT to bother trying to figure out what NEED I've missed to take care of this week.

Maybe women can change that NEED/WANT thing into, "I'd really like to find a man I value" or something like that. I don't like being lumped in with all the unwanted shoes she has in her closet.


GREAT post!!!

I agree with all points listed above. This goes hand-in-hand with the "interdependence vs. independence" thread. As a matter of fact, I used the "I don't need a man" as a filter when I reviewed profiles on here when I was dating. I dropped all those ladies that had this statement in their profiles............

Yep I refuse to be an accessory to the handbag, jewelry and shoes for the night out. If you really don't value me beyond a nice warm body to wake up next to in the morning, I'm not the guy for you.
 Silverhawk_tkn
Joined: 12/3/2010
Msg: 80
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I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 10:48:54 AM

My question is why do either figure they have to shame the other because their wants or needs happen to be different


This is a great point!! To answer the question - no one needs to be shamed!! Its all in the way you handle rejection!! Of course everyone has different wants and needs. Its understanding this in the right (or wrong) context that illicits the shaming response or feeling. Accepting rejection is a hard thing to do for most of us, yet when you stand back and look at why you were rejected, you may be surprised to see that it was in the best interests for both parties. Why even make an attempt when you know right up front that your needs/wants are different? Why feel shamed when someone doesn't think you are a proper match? Simply move on...........no harm, no foul. LOTS and LOTS of fish in this great big sea...............
 carleyrenee1
Joined: 12/13/2014
Msg: 81
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 11:57:30 AM

Ok....if happen to see that funny, sweet and handsome man....
could you tell him I am looking for him? Thanks! :)


vector is MINE! Lol
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 82
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 12:16:03 PM
Any time I see "I don't need a man, I want a man!", I immediately ask myself if this is a woman who's been told she's too needy before. To me, it just comes across as rather defensive.



.....women who say this think they are being so strong and capable exerting their independence but it takes even more strength to admit vulnerability to a man. Trust him to not to abuse it. Then again, she has to do her part.
Making certain to maintain the balance of continuing to be independent to suit herself yet vulnerable enough to lean on her man.....and not allowing herself be abused.


I like this.

How many women can actually do this, though? Probably a lot more if they would simply relinquish the likes of Beyonce, the Kardashians, and stupid Facebook memes as their biggest life lesson teachers.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 83
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 12:47:18 PM
"I think the statement is just a defense mechanism based
in fear that IF you admit to needing someone that puts you
in a vulnerable place but the thing is, love ONLY forms within
the realm of trust and vulnerability.

So without letting your guards down and opening your scared
heart you can just forget about love.

I NEED to be able to trust,rely upon and depend on someone I'm in
a relationship with and since I'm mostly hetero would that equate to
needing a man?"

Heart on

-------------------------

I said all that already and I do live it!

How many men would admit to NEEDING a woman though?

If we should be expected to be big enough to let our guards down
So should men!

Pig, do you need or want a woman?
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 84
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 12:53:34 PM
I need a mother figure to tell me I work too hard.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 85
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 12:56:44 PM

Any time I see "I don't need a man, I want a man!", I immediately ask myself if this is a woman who's been told she's too needy before. To me, it just comes across as rather defensive.


Who knows. Maybe you just read too much into it based on your own needs, wants and experiences if it's something that you have to immediately ask yourself. Personally, I've been told I don't display enough neediness by some men who I find are too needy themselves. Others I get along famously with who tend to simply go with the flow and enjoy each other's company for the same reasons. It's not my disposition to change who I am to fit someone else's grid - like me or leave me and vice-versa - don't try to change me - I'm certainly not going to try to change you. I simply appreciate men who appreciate me - on a level basis - with neither one of us being too needy or too blaze'. Cling-ons are like eating too much candy. Some sweetness (need) is fine - too much and I get queasy. I suppose it's a case of more independent/less needy v. more dependent/more needy. It really doesn't matter, as long as you are on the same page. Who cares what other people need and want outside of you and the person you're in a relationship with that you mesh with. At any rate, you're not truly going to be able to determine what it means to each individual until you interact with them and make your decision about them subsequently. A few words in a profile can be too subjective/dismissive by the reader.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 86
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 1:07:43 PM
Clooney STOP working so hard!!! ; )

Need=needy to some and some women just refuse to come off as weak for fear
they'll be taken advantage of .
So if they claim they don't need a man maybe they can
control the outcome and avoid being hurt.

I recall saying to my guy after a long time alone:

So if I allow myself to need you in life and get used to depending
on you and trusting you and then you betray me or leave me
hanging what would be the point in taking that risk?

He had to reassure me after years of men taking advantage of my vulnerabilities!

Talk us cheap though so I continued to watch for actions as proof I was safe!

I think it's normal to attempt to self protect after one has been burned by
the opposite (or same) sex!

It's a front based in valid fears that have to be overcome!
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 87
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I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 1:08:42 PM
"I do have friends that can´t function unless they have a boyfriend. Things start getting pearshaped with one, and they are already looking for his replacement. And if the replacement doesn´t materialise soon enough this time in between is sheer horror. They do have family and friends, so it is not the fear of being 'lonely', it is a different type of 'loneliness' they fear. "

If you've been in romantic relationships (whether just one or multiple consecutive) almost continuously your entire life (and I know a lot of people like that, including both my female best friend and my closest male friend), then that type of behavior doesn't seem out of the ordinary at all to me. It's the same as the people in this thread who are extremely used to NOT being in a relationship. Obviously people are going to be uncomfortable in alien environments.

"I dont agree, I think companionship is a need. I think sex, love and care is a need. Thats why I think men need women and women need men (unless there is a gender issue but its still the same principle). I think without these your mental health suffers, your more prone to depression, suicide and other mental health issues. No man is an island, put a person on a desert island alone theyd probably go mad. Put that same person in a room full of people and fail to speak, care or love that person and they will still go mad."

Although I largely agree, I have known some people who are perfectly fine without not only companionship but any human interaction at all. Decades ago, this guy rented my grandfather's land -- it's at the end of a dirt road in the middle of nowhere with no nearby neighbors. He lived there by himself, grew all of his own food, never visited anyone or had any visitors, just him and a Walden Pond existence. I'm not sure why I'm using the past tense -- so far as I know, the guy's still there, living that way. Oddly, he is a city slicker by birth and has a doctorate. One day, he just decided to eschew it all and live off the grid (rumors are a woman had something to do with it).

I wish I had such an ability as that guy -- despite growing up abused, bullied, treated like a leper, I just can't seem to completely introvert and develop a dislike for man, civilization and human companionship. I can't stop wanting to be desired. I can't stop desiring. I would be so much better off if I could, since I don't fit in and wasn't really meant to be part of society. I am a misfit, the least fit in a game of survival and in earlier, less civilized times would never have had the opportunity to pass my seed on -- the way evolution is supposed to work. Higher thought really screws up evolution.

I get a lot of flak in here for seeming so "needy" for a date/relationship, but fact of the matter is, I've only been in about 3 years worth of relationships my entire life and I've had no dates or relationships for the past 8. If I really NEEDED such things, I'd be long dead by now; I am far stronger than most people I know in this respect. Those most critical of me meanwhile have for the most part had many dates and a number of relationships over the past 8 years; I do wonder if they spent 8 years roaming the desert if their attitude toward want vs. need would be the same. I'm pretty much the camel of POF. Problem is, a camel may be able to go without water for a lot longer than most other animals, but it's still a living thing and eventually, it will dehydrate and die. I feel like that day is coming soon.
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 88
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 1:11:11 PM

Pig, do you need or want a woman?


Both in certain aspects.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 89
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 1:16:30 PM
Oh Hawkings :( You aren't a misfit. Or a camel.
You just need to hmm, relax and stop overthinking everything!!
Come here for a visit, I can keep you so busy painting, weeding, dog walking you won't have time to think
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 90
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 1:24:13 PM
Well that's a lot more evolved than this type!!
Funny thing, I'll bet that rocker image works to your
Advantage and disadvantage with women.
It comes across as sexy but not relationship material
to most I'm sure.

But ooooh that hair....




"Some guys refuse to enter a relationship, because they prefer getting their NEEDS met from a variety of women and no strings attached. That's pretty much the nonverbal equivalent of- I don't NEED a woman! I WANT a woman! They just don't say as much. In fact, many times they act as though they do want more in order to get said wants/needs of the moment met."


Lucky I found one that wasn't just about instant gratification!
Truly a needle in a pof haystack he was though!

Nothing sexier than a man in love!!!!

And willing to take risks with his heart on not just his hard on!
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 91
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 1:25:06 PM

Although I largely agree, I have known some people who are perfectly fine without not only companionship but any human interaction at all.


But here's the question, does "perfectly fine" equal happy?


If I really NEEDED such things, I'd be long dead by now


But you're thinking of "need" in terms of survival. The very word covers more than that.


Oh Hawkings :( You aren't a misfit. Or a camel.
You just need to hmm, relax and stop overthinking everything!!
Come here for a visit, I can keep you so busy painting, weeding, dog walking you won't have time to think.


Hey, hey, hey....you back off. If he's doing any long distance traveling, he's going to visit VolkanoKing.
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 92
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 1:45:40 PM


Funny thing, I'll bet that rocker image works to your
Advantage and disadvantage with women.
It comes across as sexy but not relationship material
to most I'm sure.


Yes, sort of. When I actually do find someone I want to be in a relationship with and I make it known, they get skeptical.
 newoldgirl
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 93
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 2:10:20 PM

Men are so much more than just providers and protectors.

.................................................................
Isn't this what really matters the most?


No. It's exactly what I DON"T need. I provide for myself, and nobody can protect me from the things I fear most--like getting sick or losing a loved one. I WANT the other stuff--the person who gets my jokes, the person who makes love with me, the person who makes me feel special, the person whose voice I love to hear.


And what if this is all you know how to do?


I guess you need a needy woman who can't take care of herself. I know that sounds snarky, but I genuinely don't mean it that way...I sincerely wonder what a man would see in woman like that!


There's a third piece missing and it's the reason most marriages fail, excluding infidelity, abuse and violence.


What else is the exclusive province of the male? If you meant sex, I didn't mention it because that is a mutual thing. Men and women need each other if they want to engage in (hetero) sex, which is a huge part of a relationship. I only mentioned the protect and provide as an example of the male role, where as women are seen as the nurturers, and caretakers.





I wonder how many women say "I don't need a man" when they go on a date and the wait staff drops off the bill for the meals and drinks. How many women would be interested in a guy who says he doesn't need a woman, but it would be a nice convenience?
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 94
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 2:20:42 PM
^^^
I was referring to friendship as the 3rd piece.

A couple starts taking each other for granted and stops doing things together.
 newoldgirl
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 95
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 2:26:31 PM

I was referring to friendship as the 3rd piece.

A couple starts taking each other for granted and stops doing things together.


Well, as long as the friendship comes after the romance...LOL. Because the whole "friends first" thing has never worked for me.
 chameleonf
Joined: 12/22/2008
Msg: 96
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 2:34:23 PM

Well, as long as the friendship comes after the romance...LOL. Because the whole "friends first" thing has never worked for me.


I've always found that being enemies first works best, followed by angry sex, then maybe thinking about being friendly so you can get to know each other a bit, then become indifferent, then hate each other and show up on POF, wash, rinse, repeat.
 Qura
Joined: 8/5/2014
Msg: 97
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I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 4:01:36 PM
OP, perhaps you do not routinely read the profiles of other men. I see this statement--or some version of it--quite regularly in men's profiles.

I have met some men who are very uncomfortable with a woman who is independent. These men want (need?) their women to be needy--and so we aren't a good match. In other words, it's a statement to help men filter me out of their search. Anyone who takes it as a "chip on the shoulder" will also be filtered out--and again, that is good. I only want people who "get it," because that means we are more likely to be a good match.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 98
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 4:25:29 PM

Yes, sort of. When I actually do find someone I want
to be in a relationship with and I make it known,
they get skeptical.


Yeah it sort of gives off a player/slacker vibe to some.
I'll bet it's got you laid plenty tho.

People are funny with their stereotypes and generalizations.

Every long hair rocker I've ever known was a sweetheart.

One I was with was mistaken for a chick by a bartender
Who asked," what can I get you ladies to drink"!
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 99
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 4:26:48 PM

I have met some men who are very uncomfortable with a woman who is independent.

A lot of women confuse "Independent" with "Aggressive". Men do the exact same thing. Someone who is independent doesn't need to force the agenda of staying or proclaiming who they are. Being content with yourself means you don't need to prove it. Someone who is aggressive does indeed have a chip on their shoulder, something to prove, and is NEVER satisfied with just being who they are - they need to have other people acknowledge it. There is a difference. Being 'Needy' for recognition comes disguised in a lot of different behaviors.
 Demidar
Joined: 10/22/2014
Msg: 100
I don't NEED a man! I WANT a man!!
Posted: 4/21/2015 4:45:04 PM
I place things into two categories , necessities and desires . A relationship would be something I would desire but is not a necessity , hence , not something I require . I have not been in one relationship yet where the woman did not try to change me in some way . Soon as I see that now , I bail , if they can not accept me for who I am , adios .
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