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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?      Home login  
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 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 26
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed? Page 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I was in a relationship with a man for a few years that was very satisfying because of how well we talked with each other. There were times he would ask a lot of questions. Because my job is mostly answering questions, asking questions, and always analyzing analyzing analyzing, sometimes his questions felt like interrogation even though the questions themselves were not intrusive, and his intent was to show interest.

Because he saw asking questions as a way to show interest, he was sometimes annoyed or hurt that I didn't use the same method of demonstrating interest; I didn't ask many questions. Self-absorption has nothing to do with it. In part, I just don't like to ask questions, but mostly I don't ask questions because I find I learn more and have more satisfying conversations by letting the conversation evolve organically than forcing it through questions.

It only takes someone to start the conversation with a statement or question. After that, depending upon the nature of the conversation, the other person can move the subject forward by any number of means other than a question in return such as making a joke, quoting a line from literature/movie/song, relaying something personal (i.e. being vulnerable), challenging it (i.e. engaging in debate), deflecting (i.e. starting a different subject), etc.

If OP's issue is that the men just did not talk, or could not engage in COnversation, that's one thing. But, if the issue is that the method of conversation they engaged in did not involve reciprocal questioning, then that's something else altogether. If the former, then it wouldn't be a satisfying relationship for me and I'd move along. If the latter, then I'd wonder why OP is so invested in asking questions as the only way of displaying interest. Also why OP presumes the reason for not asking questions is a personality disorder labeled self-absorption.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 27
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 4:43:12 AM
Number one, a good "communicator" him/her self usually, by default, can get and keep a conversation flowing. With, or without "questions". Communication, itself, is also more than just talking. Listening, is also included, and when in person, so is seeing.


I guess it turns me off because I dont like being the one who leads, I think they're not really that interested and I think they're more self obsorbed and wouldn't be a supporting partner


So, have you considered that you need to be pried open that could be part of what you consider a communication "problem"?


I heard women tend to be the one asking questions because it goes back to biology where they're trying to find the best match, and men talk about themselves because they're trying to impress?


I would suggest that maybe you listened to the wrong person when you "heard" this. Some people(not gender related) talk constantly because of nerves, etc. Some people will sit silently trying to grasp everything that is tossed towards them. Again, communication includes the ability to get your thoughts, feelings and expressions out there, to whomever can pick it up. Some get their message out there quite easily, and others, not so easily. Sometimes, it's the listener. Sometimes it's the one trying to send that message. And sometimes, the miscommunication is created by all the parties involved.

When I'm not verbalizing to someone, sometimes I am sending a message. It's up to the other side to pick up what I'm communicating to them thru that silence.
 Literate_Hiker
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 28
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 6:20:46 AM
I have met men who are socially awkward, introverted, shy and withdrawn. Getting a word out of them was like pulling teeth. I rapidly lose interest.

"It's your turn to say something," I told a man, when I was doing all of the conversational work. "I don't know what to say," he replied. "Ask me a question, tell a story about your day, or something funny that happened today," I suggested. Long pause. Finally he said, "I can't think of anything to say." Unbelievable.

It is boring to provide all of the conversational topics, questions and humor. I barely make it to the door with the glaze forming over my eyes.

I love the levity and banter that comes with conversing with an intelligent man.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 29
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 6:34:34 AM

I love the levity and banter that comes with conversing with an intelligent man.

I'd like to point out that intelligence has nothing specifically to do with conversational skills. Autistic savants come to mind. Plenty of brilliant people have a stutter or bad grammar or anxiety that makes levity and good 'banter' difficult.

I believe what Ms. Hiker alludes to by 'intelligent' is the conversation content, which usually means the guy is smart or clever as well. Correct me if I'm wrong...
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 30
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 7:21:17 AM
Does good conversation with an intelligent man mean agreeing with your views on various topics? If you're atheist and meet a church going Christian (or any other religious sect), can you have a good conversation where you and the other person discuss why each of you have those beliefs or non-beliefs? The same with someone who doesn't support the same political party. Can you have a meaningful conversation about why you support party A while the other person gives reasons for supporting part B? In other words, can you agree to disagree, or are they instant deal breakers?
 dragonbytes
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 31
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 7:27:47 AM
I usually ask a lot of questions until I find one that provokes a more passionate response. Something that the person is really interested in talking about.

Then I just sort of say uh uh, maybe a short sentence to keep the convo flowing.

I am just naturally curious, it doesn't mean I am interested in dating someone.

I can be self absorbed, people don't notice that until they have known me for a long time. And I can be shaken out of it to focus on other people when I sense I have pushed the self absorbed tendency to far. But it doesn't happen with relative strangers.
 benartflick
Joined: 3/8/2012
Msg: 32
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 7:51:30 AM
LH: You had to throw in "intelligent man".

It takes two to chat. If you're frequently falling asleep, you might be part of the problem.

I don't recall ever having a boring date or a boring conversation. I detected that even unintelligent women can communicate and be interesting in person. Over the internet, nah, could be their inability to understand a simple sentence. Or it might be the hate factor. I never dated a misanthrope.

I think most people enjoy a pleasurable chitchat instead of that intelligent Woody Allen type of haughtiness dialogue. There's probably a good reason his award winning crap doesn't do well at the box office. Intelligence has absolutely nothing to do with it. Boring comes to mind.
 Literate_Hiker
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 33
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 8:15:51 AM
I am attracted to highly intelligent men with a great sense of humor. I have a master degree. I love the levity and witty banter that comes with conversing with an intelligent man.

Of course many people without a college degree have good conversational skills. Unfortunately the three men I met with just a high school diploma were inarticulate and boring.

One man talked in clichés, like a country music song or truck commercial. "I'm a man's man" and "I was a country boy in the big city." What does that mean? I asked. He could not explain. He droned on-and-on about conversations with his fishing and hunting buddies ad nauseam. He never asked me a single question. Extremely boring.

Maleman, I don't want to live in conflict. Two Christian zealots met with me just to try to convert me. After 20 minutes of badgering, I ended the conversation. That went well.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 34
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 8:54:01 AM
some days, its just a matter of, "do you two click or don't you?" I've met people who would instantly join up with Mr. Cliché. they'd understand each other's vocabulary. of course, they might be using clichés about themselves to cover up the fact they are BSing and couldn't really explain what the hell they meant (I could understand the country boy in the city ref, I did that as a kid, but if I shared details with them it might quickly become clear they were BSing).

sometimes I go to a car show and the fellow next to me starts a conversation he has no intention of letting me get a word in edgewise. apparently no one listens to the fellow at home. but it gives me exercise in remembering that I learn more by listening than by teaching. maybe he doesn't want to know the history of the tunnel ram intake, fine :)

conversation is an art. sometimes, tho, you just are working with the wrong paint, and too blank a canvas.
 MissScawlett
Joined: 3/26/2015
Msg: 35
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 8:54:26 AM
Self-absorbed ... not interested ... narcissistic -- any of those work for me.

These types tend to contact me for some reason. We exchange a couple of emails, with me doing 95% of the talking. I was kind of interested in this one guy because it appeared we had things in common but when he started responding with one word responses, I called him out on his lack of interest and wasting my time. He blocked me lol The truth hurts.
 Olivoil
Joined: 5/3/2015
Msg: 36
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 8:59:09 AM
"One man talked in clichés, like a country music song or truck commercial. "I'm a man's man" and "I was a country boy in the big city." What does that mean? I asked. He could not explain. He droned on-and-on about conversations with his fishing and hunting buddies ad nauseam. He never asked me a single question. Extremely boring."

So the man thought maybe a woman who loved the outdoors might also be interested in hunting and fishing. He put himself 'out there' to see if you had things in common. Kuddos to him, it seems like he really tried.
You can't fault him for not living up to what you are looking for.

Oh, wait... you can. And always do.
 benartflick
Joined: 3/8/2012
Msg: 37
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 12:07:19 PM
"levity and witty banter that comes with conversing with an intelligent man."

LH: I THINK you're equating 'intelligent' with education. If I'm wrong, I apologize.

Levity and witty banter has little to do with education.

Some of our greatest comics had little education and were excellent conversationalists.

In NO WAY am I commenting on your choice of men or what you're looking for. Only your absurd implication about 'intelligent' men (only if you mean EDUCATED MEN).

By your 3 HS men comment, you seem to be suggesting if they had Master Degrees they wouldn't be boring. They might be more articulate, I'll give you that.

I'm not suggesting there aren't many inarticulate and boring men. Make the most of it.
Ya might be surprised someday if you meet an extremely intelligent man just as boring as the man's man.

Recently two women with those Watchtower pamphlets came to my door. Instead of listening to their boring pitch I quickly changed the subject to the bashing of Christians by the movie and TV industries. They both got into the conversation. Not what they had planned and they didn't appear to be bored. I even got them to laugh a few times. Getting them into my bedroom would have been a challenge.

Be a leader LH. If ya don't like the topic, change it. If it's extremely boring, attempt to make it interesting.

Gotta ask. While visiting outside Seattle years ago, my girlfriend and I hiked up to a spot high overlooking a long narrow river. At the top there was a path between a wooded area. When I got there several nude men greeted me and quickly ran behind the trees at the sight of my girl. I did NOT like the way one of those guys was pointing at me. Are you aware of that area?

(Later, on the beach by the river, we saw some female nudists. A much better place to visit.)
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 38
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 2:00:36 PM
I am attracted to highly intelligent men with a great sense of humor. I have a master degree. I love the levity and witty banter that comes with conversing with an intelligent man.
-----------------------------
So, how is it that you never manage to figure all of that out before you ever go on a date?
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 39
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 3:58:07 PM

Two Christian zealots met with me just to try to convert me. After 20 minutes of badgering, I ended the conversation. That went well.


I'm lost. You had no idea about their religious views or what their intent was beforehand?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 40
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 4:15:18 PM

By your 3 HS men comment, you seem to be suggesting if they had Master Degrees they wouldn't be boring. They might be more articulate, I'll give you that.


I've been dealing with two phucktards this week that are impersonating someone that is intelligent hiding behind their engineering degrees. So scared and frightened of "sue", they can't say a word without talking to their boss first. I wonder what happens when they gotta "go".

Hold it. Phuck that. I'm not gonna wonder about that at all.

Still, they do have those degrees. The only thing interesting about them is how chickenshiat they are.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 41
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 4:21:19 PM
So funny the anger that LH's posts create. I think out of all the women here, she repeatedly maintains her standards and repeats them clearly and concisely, and it really riles the men here up.

I can just imagine if it was the reverse, a guy saying what he prefers in a woman, and being clear and concise about it, the guys here would all be applauding him on.

When a woman maintains high standards for the men she wants in her life, she is subject to a verbal beating.

Thing is, none of these comments about her are game changers. She is who she is, she likes what she likes.

None of your condemnations or brow beatings make one bit of difference.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 42
view profile
History
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 4:28:40 PM
Here's an example of the intelligent witty banter with Larry, Darryl, and Darryl :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NnZm-9TfSaA



"One man talked in clichés, like a country music song or truck commercial.


Sounds like George Bush..a Harvard grad and Yale grad I should add!


Con Men and players are usually skilled at the art of conversation,some people may feel like they are prying or being nosey by asking alot of questions.


Actually the best way to be a great conversationalist is to be a great listener! We learn early on that God gave us two ears and one mouth so we ought to listen twice as much as we speak! -or so said the con man!
 newoldgirl
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 43
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 5:30:49 PM
I dated a man for about six months, and all his actions and words indicated that he cared for me. At his instigation, we got into the habit of speaking on the phone on the evenings that we didn't plan to see each other. He wasn't the best conversationalist, and didn't ask too many questions. He would answer when I asked him things, but not with too many words. I asked him about this, why he always wanted to call me when he didn't have much to say, and I did most of talking. He told me, "Baby, I just like to listen to you. I love your voice. It makes me feel good to lie here and listen to you. You could never talk too much." Such an unexpected response. Ordinarily, it would have bugged me to carry the conversations, but somehow I didn't mind with him.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 44
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 5:53:33 PM
benartflick- It sure is interesting, the reactions that people are having to what LH said.
Your response seems the most level headed and non accusatory, it's pretty telling when people, men in particular, get so chapped about a woman having the nerve to know what she wants and to say so. (Not you, others)
I agree that education does not make a good conversationalist and lack of education doesn't make a bad conversationalist.
Do you think, if a man said something similar to what LH said, some people would get equally as worked up over it?
I'm sincerely wondering, I have to say, I doubt it.
I don't totally agree with her, but the anger this has brought out in others is a bit mystifying.
I agree that I enjoy intelligent conversation, I just don't agree that the person sitting across from me has to have a masters degree for that to happen. While I admit that, it didn't make me angry that LH feels that way, why would it?
Anyway, back to the subject at hand:
When I ask questions on a date, it's not an effort to find something out about the person beyond just wanting to know who they are.
If I'm the first one to ask a question, I do it with the hopes that the other person will answer and ideally other topics will come up that we can talk about.
I understand first date jitters, I get them myself, but it is just outright uncomfortable to find your self across from someone who speaks in mono syllables.
Say for example, a date shows up in a classic car, one of my interests, I'm going to comment on that, "I love your_____, do you attend shows? My favorite classic car is a 1968 Mustang."
I've just given him an opening to discuss it, if he just says "thank you" and lets it drop and doesn't say a thing in return, then I'm stuck wondering if I should try a new topic or hope he comes up with something, that isn't a good feeling.
Ideally, he would start talking about classic cars WITH me, maybe even talk about shows he's been to, different places he's been to, which would them open up all new topics to talk about.
Some people are jumping to the conclusion that asking questions on a date equals an interrogation, I've been on the opposite side of one of those types, so it does happen, but I think people like that are in the minority.
This issue is where listening skills come in.
For example, if someone asked me how many times I've been married, yes, that's a bit personal, but I would answer it (once), if they let it go at that, or changed to a new topic fairly soon, then no harm done.
On the other hand if they kept at it, harping, "Why did you divorce"? "Did you leave him or did he leave you", on and on, then, yes, it's turned into an interrogation and I will speak up and change the subject, firmly.
However, I don't understand jumping to the conclusion EVERY time, that questions are ALWAYS an interrogation.
I enjoy good conversation so much that is a relief to find myself across from someone who feels the same way, rather than sitting there in uncomfortable silence.
It's nice, that feeling that comes with hours feeling like minutes because you click with someone else just that well.
I think this is what the OP was trying to say, is she wrong to feel like someone is self absorbed if they don't show interest in talking to you.
Maybe, maybe not, it depends on the person.
They could be self absorbed or they could be boring or they could just plain be not interested.
I know which type of conversation I want to be in over the other, don't we all?
 ThePig0fYourDreams
Joined: 2/2/2015
Msg: 45
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 7:47:28 PM


When a woman maintains high standards for the men she wants in her life, she is subject to a verbal beating.


Where is the "verbal beating" you speak of?? For the most part, what I have seen is several state that intelligence doesn't necessarily equal witty. Take our boy, HawkingJr, for example. Judging by his posts, I'd venture to say he's an intelligent guy. Now, tell me the last time you were dazzled by his wit.

As for my response to her post, I merely asked how religious zealots (not one, but two) managed to get as far as meeting her without her knowing where they stood religiously. To me, that's a big f*cking deal that would be addressed before I meet someone. Surely, this doesn't qualify as a "verbal beating".
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 46
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 7:57:33 PM

So funny the anger that LH's posts create. I think out of all the women here, she repeatedly maintains her standards and repeats them clearly and concisely, and it really riles the men here up.

VK - that's not what it's about and you know it. Oliveoil and Benartflick have it right.

It's the constant droning on about how, as an "intelligent" woman she enjoys "intelligent" men but then confuses intelligence with education. Then, after she's run her course with these educated men, she comes here to fault them. Without even the excuse that the pond of eligible men in limited by her small town since, apparently, she's so highly sought after that she imports them from Seattle.


Literate_Hiker: I'm a forgiving person.
...
When I feel hurt, I listen to the kernel of truth, learn from it and let the bad feelings go.

Standards are one thing. Pedantic and hypocritical are something else.

Do you think, if a man said something similar to what LH said, some people would get equally as worked up over it?
I'm sincerely wondering, I have to say, I doubt it.

Absolutely they say the same thing if the poster is a man, check the dozens of threads where the topic is whether education = intelligence.
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 47
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 8:19:22 PM

However, I don't understand jumping to the conclusion EVERY time, that questions are ALWAYS an interrogation.
I enjoy good conversation so much that is a relief to find myself across from someone who feels the same way, rather than sitting there in uncomfortable silence.
It's nice, that feeling that comes with hours feeling like minutes because you click with someone else just that well.
I think this is what the OP was trying to say, is she wrong to feel like someone is self absorbed if they don't show interest in talking to you.
Maybe, maybe not, it depends on the person.


Very well said, bamagrl
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 48
view profile
History
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 8:19:53 PM

Take our boy, HawkingJr, for example. Judging by his posts, I'd venture to say he's an intelligent guy. Now, tell me the last time you were dazzled by his wit.


I was dazzled that a Robot could look so human!

Speaking of, where is he?
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 49
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 8:22:05 PM
joe, LOL, He doesn't like "you people" remember? LOL
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 50
Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?
Posted: 6/19/2015 8:28:10 PM
volkanoking- My daughter is a great artist and is majoring in graphic design, you are fortunate enough to have her dream job.
You two will never meet, so this is obviously a "what if" scenario, but IF she were to meet you and you told her where you work, I know what her reaction would be.
She would light up and pepper you with questions.
Not because she expected you to get her a job, but because she would be meeting someone that she would consider a peer who has made it, who has succeeded and is where she aspires to be.
I get this all the time when people find out I'm a nurse, I don't mind it or look at it as them trying to get free medical advice, they just find out what I do and ask questions.
One of my greatest passions is music, if I were to meet someone who is a professional musician, I would react similarly, not angling for free tickets or anything like that, but because they share a love of something I also love.
I don't blame you a bit for refusing to be used, if that has occurred.
I suppose I'm sort of thinking out loud here, even though we are online, that some of those times the person asking you questions may have just been sincerely interested in you and what you do.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Are men who don't ask questions self absorbed?