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 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 26
Is this a normal thing to do ?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Damn...

I just lost my appetite :(
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 27
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 5:47:12 AM
OP - You're speculating on something you've only heard about - his side of the story. You haven't explained her side or medical expectations. How much does his doctor and physical therapist expect him to do in his own care? What about a professional caregiver? You're 'sure' he would have stayed if their positions had been reversed - maybe so, maybe no but irrelevant.

Is it normal for one spouse to leave another? Yes, I've heard divorce is quite common. The reasons are really not of your or our concern; it is between them.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 28
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Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 6:01:42 AM

But I'm 99.9% sure he would have stayed had the situation been reversed , as he is an upstanding guy who takes commitment seriously.

But you're jumping to the conclusion that she Doesn't take commitment, in and of itself, seriously. Other factors that you're not aware of can make or break it for a reasonable person. And just because he would have stayed no matter How Bad the other factors were, doesn't mean she's lacking in integrity by leaving. I'm 99.99% sure a guy I know would not leave the gal he married if she cheated on him, even more than once. I am 99.99% sure she'd leave him. Now, it doesn't take infidelity to have an understandable reason to leave someone -- but it's a clear-cut reason. Point being, just because one would put up with more, doesn't mean the other person is being out-of-bounds Way too hasty on leaving.

She got better , then last year she left me because she came out of the closet ( I did not see that one coming ).

Yeah, but she really didn't "leave you" as much as she was never completely With you beyond platonic underneath it all in the first place. The real wrong was getting married & hitched, not wanting to end it. I'm 100% hetero. If I married some dude, and years later I said "Yah know, we need a divorce. I'm not actually in the closet -- I'm straight," he shouldn't be mad at me for leaving (although Emotionally, yes, that would be there in the beginning) -- but be mad that I even settled down with him in the first place! :)

My friend did try to save his marriage, but she told him that she couldn't stay married. She took care of him for a long time , but now it was time for her to "take care of herself".

I'm NOT ruling out that she Hastily left when she shouldn't have, etc. I'm just saying there could easily be more to it than "Ehh, I don't like having you help you every day." That'd be naive to assume that coming from your friend.

Even after reading all your comments I still think that it is a pretty rotten thing to leave your spouse when he/she needs you.

Yeah, but, how about faking that you're in love with them when you're not? I understand it's rotten when they need your assistance -- but are you saying Faking their emotion about you? Maybe like if I married a dude and I'd be faking that I was into him "in that way", I should act like I am?

I'll assume she didn't handle it in the best way -- especially coming down "suddenly". Many times when we hear stories from a friend "who knows all", and we get the REAL scoop that they didn't reveal to their close friend because they're their close friend & judgment would be harsher -- there's an "Ahhhhhh OK" moment as to why. Sometimes, sometimes not.
 Eternitygracesme
Joined: 5/18/2015
Msg: 29
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 6:03:28 AM

My friend did try to save his marriage, but she told him that she couldn't stay married. She took care of him for a long time , but now it was time for her to "take care of herself".


If there's no relationship, why should she remain to serve as nursemaid rather than his wife, when he could have contracted the services of an assistant -- something he should have done in the first place to alleviate her of some of burden of his care? What about her sacrifice and care she invested, whilst receiving no care of and for herself?


Also, finances had nothing to do with their splitting up, as he is drawing a disability pension . He makes enough to pay all the bills with a little extra left over every month.


Which makes his side of the story stink even more. And it really is all one-sided hearsay as your contribution.


Even after reading all your comments I still think that it is a pretty rotten thing to leave your spouse when he/she needs you.


It's quite easy for you to judge; you're not in the situation. And since you're not interested in her side of the story, why should anybody give a damn, anyway, what you think?
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 30
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Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 8:33:39 AM
I cared for my Ex husband when he had heart surgery. His illnesses had nothing to do with our break up. I got tired of watching him re-invent himself every two years and spend our life savings, so I split.......after he already filed for divorce.
One marriage is unlike any other, my friends and family always thought I supported him and loved him and I did until I just didn't anymore. A marriage needs to be about the couple not just one of you.

Your friend sounds like he needed a 24 hour home health aide, to expect a spouse to put their life on hold to be a full time caregiver forever is a lot to ask. If your friend can't do chores then he probably cant' perform sexually either, so his wife was not just his cook, nurse and maid she was also expected to do without affection. I'm not saying that marriages haven't survived worse but isn't life about more than mere survival? Your post did not mention the length of the marriage or if there were children involved just how awful the wife was to leave. One sided stories only tell one side.
I feel for your friend, being in constant pain must be awful and he needs both compassion and assistance at this time. I hope you do more than lend an ear when he ****es, offer to mow his lawn or take him to Dr appointments, cook him a few meals.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 31
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 8:40:09 AM
if she truly thought that little of him, then what could have happened if she stayed? maybe become an abusive caretaker? its been known to happen, there was a horrific case in my home state, a brother keeping his sister locked up to claim her monthly check and to keep the house.

hopefully, your friend is open now to a better situation. sometimes, as the cliché goes, a door closes so another can open.
 Peas_
Joined: 5/2/2015
Msg: 32
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 8:59:02 AM
Can't judge this situation. I have been a care taker. Burn out is inevitable. Extremely stressful on family with loads of responsibility heaped upon them. Even care takers need support groups.

Course then my ex walked out after he caused my disabling accident, when I couldn't take the arguing and bullying anymore and I asked for my divorce.

Takes all kinds.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 33
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 9:27:11 AM
OP: Did the guy-with or without his wife-look into hospice/home care to at least give his wife a break from time to time, or did he automatically assume she would gladly look after him 24/7 and put her life and dreams on hold? In a lot of cases, the home care is covered by disability insurance. If someone is a caregiver 24/7, they need breaks occasionally, and it has nothing to do with lack of love for the person. When people take the vows "in sickness and in health", most people don't think it means "I will gladly be your caretaker 24/7 without taking a break, should you need it, for the rest of our lives." Like other people mentioned, what drove her to leave is anybody's guess, and only the wife knows the reason.
 Papouille_008
Joined: 2/25/2015
Msg: 34
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 9:31:45 AM
I came here asking for thoughts , not to get insulted , so why are you bashing on me eternitygracesme ? You sound like someone who has anger issues . A little bit bitter are we ?

Also you're pretty quick at judging yourself , and all you have to go on is my so-called "one-sided hearsay", as you most aptly put it.

And yes, I have been in that situation so I know what it's like to care for a loved one. And BTW my friend's wife's side of the story is that she didn't want to be married anymore and wanted to have fun.

With an attitude like that the guys must be after you in droves. This one would definitely walk the other way....
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 35
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 9:32:50 AM
good point, maleman,"in sickness and in health" was penned when people died by age 50

healthcare assistants do have high on-the-job injury rate, until hospitals started getting hep and installing lifts to help move bed-ridden patients. not sure how bad your friend is, but professionally-trained aides might be better for everyone all around.

not to say that his wife running out is the best thing since sliced bread. it sucks to be abandoned for any reason. but it might work out eventually for the better. hopefully.

hard to judge two people I don't know, except that they married each other for their personality and belief system.
 newoldgirl
Joined: 4/16/2015
Msg: 36
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 9:51:54 AM

And BTW my friend's wife's side of the story is that she didn't want to be married anymore and wanted to have fun.


Well, that might have happened even if he had not become disabled. Being married can be boring for some people.

Also, having enough money to pay the bills doesn't necessarily mean there can be fun, especially if she saw travel as part of the fun.

Sometimes people do fall out of love, and don't want to be married ( to anyone) anymore. This woman will be the "bad guy" now to a lot of people because her husband was ill when she stopped loving him.

BTW...did she work full time?

How long did she take care of him before she left"

Was he expected to get better?

How old are these people?


good point, maleman,"in sickness and in health" was penned when people died by age 50


When I got married at 21, the LAST thing I worried about was one of us getting sick, It was not part of our experience. Now, at fifty, I see ad hear many examples of marriages affected by illness and disability. It is a serious consideration when considering coupling up.
 motowncowgirl
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 37
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 10:40:50 AM

And BTW my friend's wife's side of the story is that she didn't want to be married anymore and wanted to have fun.

is this more of your hearsay? a snippet of a paraphrased conversation you got second hand? or did she explain to you why she's leaving your best friend? do you believe she arrived at this decision overnight, as if she suddenly decided she needed a shot of botox and a brand new pair of fukme high heels? and do you really think there were no warning signs, as in none?

whatever you say. it seems unlikely, yet possible in a world of infinite unknowables.

how long exactly do you think the typical person has to harbor a raft of growing grievances that aren't being heard for some mysterious reason before they reach their breaking point and walk away? and why on earth would you think you'd be privy to that kind of info, when her husband didn't even know about it. allegedly. i'm sorry you didn't like her reasoning. i'm not defending her, because I don't know. i'm telling you that you can't possibly know the whole story, and it's highly likely there's more to this than "she just wants to have fun", but it goes without saying that you would side with your best friend.

I do know that if I had a really low opinion of someone because of something they did, I wouldn't want to stay friends with them either. it looks like you have that problem completely solved.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 12/25/2014
Msg: 38
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 10:56:14 AM

Also you're pretty quick at judging yourself , and all you have to go on is my so-called "one-sided hearsay", as you most aptly put it.


At the very least, you should talk to the ex-wife and get her side of the story before you judge the situation.

Not that your judgement is going to make a difference.

I think others are right, this either breaks the marriage or makes it stronger, I have seen it go either way.
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 39
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 11:03:21 AM

I came here asking for thoughts ,...

I'm not sure you actually wanted out thoughts. From your first two posts it seems you wanted us to agree with you that she is a terrible, horribly person for leaving her husband while he is disabled.

You tell us the disabled man is your best friend and his wife left him ‘out of the blue’ and he would have stayed if the situations were reversed. Then you tell us you would never consider doing this and you know what your answer would be if she wanted to be friends.

As if we don’t already know what answer you want to hear from us, you continue telling us he is an upstanding guy who takes commitment seriously (as if she didn’t – who’s been taking care of him for ‘a long time’?) and tried to save his marriage (How? Did he finally hire a caretaker? Did he ever tell her to take a vacation because she’d been caring for for so long? Did she ever complain that she needed time to take care of herself and, if so, did he listen?). After several years of this, I'd be wanting to have a 'fun time' also.

You say that he’s in pain and usually doesn’t do chores and often is in bed all day. Is that what he is supposed to do per medical directives? I know when I was in the hospital and in pain; my doctors had me walking around after giving me an aspirin; another different surgery they had me up and around walking, a third surgery on a totally different body part and what am I doing within 24 hours? Physiotherapy. Is your best friend following his doctor’s orders by staying in bed? Perhaps his wife got tired of his complaining yet not doing what was required?

See, there are so many questions that we don’t know the answers to and I’m pretty sure you don’t know them all either.

Good for you for taking care of your wife when she was ill.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 40
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 11:35:47 AM

My friend did try to save his marriage


How? What exactly did he do to try to save his marriage?

Pretending to know all about their finances? You say you are privy to all this personal stuff about them but say nothing about the wife except an exact quote from HIM and that she is “rotten.” Were you in the room when she said that to him? How was she feeling about all this? Or don’t her feelings count?


And BTW my friend's wife's side of the story is that she didn't want to be married anymore and wanted to have fun.


She tell you that? I call bullsh!t. You just posted this to bash your (friend’s) ex-wife.


and all you have to go on is my so-called "one-sided hearsay"


That’s right. You’re posting what he supposedly told you, HIS one side; which may or may not be the truth, or the whole truth and you CANNOT know that.

You can just come clean and admit this is about you.


Did the guy-with or without his wife-look into hospice/home care to at least give his wife a break from time to time, or did he automatically assume she would gladly look after him 24/7


Good question. I’m sure OP will ignore it.

If this guy had so much money he should have hired a trained nurse to care for him.

Btw who’s taking care of him now?
 DietFree
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 41
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Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 11:51:46 AM

And BTW my friend's wife's side of the story is that she didn't want to be married anymore and wanted to have fun.


You should have put that info on your first post. (unless you're making it up as you go)
 MissScawlett
Joined: 3/26/2015
Msg: 42
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 12:01:24 PM
It's certainly not normal, but it happens every day.

My ex divorced me while I was in the ICU after having a liver transplant. Funny thing is, we'd never had a problem in our 5-year marriage. I got sick and he wanted no part of it. I'm grateful my family was there for me.

His visit from karma has been unpleasant. He now has emphysema. His new wife bitches incessantly on FB about him being sick and how he can't do anything because he's on oxygen. I never wished anything bad on him, but I do believe what goes around comes around.
 tamara0718
Joined: 6/20/2015
Msg: 43
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 2:35:54 PM
100% agree mowtowncowgirl. OP appears to be only looking for validation.
 123nightmoves
Joined: 6/2/2015
Msg: 44
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 4:04:23 PM
None of us know for sure what we would do in this situation until we are faced with it. It's all well and fine to say "I would do ____" but none of knows. Kudo's to those that have stayed.

I've seen people take care of a spouse with Alzheimer's, I have a friend that has her 36 year old daughter with Down Syndrome still living at home happily and a friend who put her 25 year old son with Cerebral Palsey in a group home as he was just getting too big to take care off. Whatever decisions they made, they made with love and it works or it's works until it doesn't anymore.

And OP, don't be too hard on your friend's wife, she may have told you an easy answer instead of the real answer.
 Papouille_008
Joined: 2/25/2015
Msg: 45
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 10:05:30 PM
Geez all I asked was what others thought about this situation. And yes, I already have my opinion formed on this ; I am not looking for validation.

Wow there are some here on the forums who have serious anger issues ; why is it all of a sudden that some of you are turning this around and starting to insult me ?

To those who offered constructive comments , thank you very much. To the ones who turned this on me and started bashing me .... really ? If you don't have anything positive to offer then please keep your negative comments to yourselves.
 Papouille_008
Joined: 2/25/2015
Msg: 46
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 10:10:01 PM
Why would I make this up ?

Really if you don't have anything constructive to offer please stay quiet .
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 47
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 10:12:21 PM
Ya know...say what you want about 'validation'

How many men have abandoned their partners when the sh!t hit the fan?

I'm sure someone will post an 'exception'

Whadeva
 Peas_
Joined: 5/2/2015
Msg: 48
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 10:19:58 PM
^^^ I already did.

But I would like to know if opie is helping out his friend now in his care taking?
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 49
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 10:20:48 PM
Papouille 008- I have been a nurse for almost two decades.
I have seen disability bring people closer or drive then apart.
It's awfully easy to be on the outside, looking in, and say what you are sure what you would or would not do, but you won't know until YOU are there.
Your friend could have changed how he treated his wife completely, he may have become abusive, this is more common than people think. I'm not saying he did, but you just don't know because you aren't there ALL the time.
I'm not saying it was a "good" thing that she left, but maybe she just couldn't cope and who am I, or you, to judge?
Sometimes people have to put loved ones in facility's because THEY start to break down doing too much and then they can't care for others who depend on the caregiver too. (especially children)
No one can stay awake 24/7, no one can care for someone else full time without a break.
If you have a support system that you could turn to if you were in your friends wife position, be thankful, because not everyone has that.
I'll tell you what, move in with your friend and take care of him, for at least three months, if you still feel his wife was wrong to leave him, get back to us.
Something tells me not to wait for that to happen.
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 50
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 10:25:53 PM
Jeez, a few gals posted similar tales.

I retract my previous comments and feel bad you met sh!t heads :(
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