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 AUTHOR
 tamara0718
Joined: 6/20/2015
Msg: 43
Is this a normal thing to do ?Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
100% agree mowtowncowgirl. OP appears to be only looking for validation.
 123nightmoves
Joined: 6/2/2015
Msg: 44
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 4:04:23 PM
None of us know for sure what we would do in this situation until we are faced with it. It's all well and fine to say "I would do ____" but none of knows. Kudo's to those that have stayed.

I've seen people take care of a spouse with Alzheimer's, I have a friend that has her 36 year old daughter with Down Syndrome still living at home happily and a friend who put her 25 year old son with Cerebral Palsey in a group home as he was just getting too big to take care off. Whatever decisions they made, they made with love and it works or it's works until it doesn't anymore.

And OP, don't be too hard on your friend's wife, she may have told you an easy answer instead of the real answer.
 Papouille_008
Joined: 2/25/2015
Msg: 45
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 10:05:30 PM
Geez all I asked was what others thought about this situation. And yes, I already have my opinion formed on this ; I am not looking for validation.

Wow there are some here on the forums who have serious anger issues ; why is it all of a sudden that some of you are turning this around and starting to insult me ?

To those who offered constructive comments , thank you very much. To the ones who turned this on me and started bashing me .... really ? If you don't have anything positive to offer then please keep your negative comments to yourselves.
 Papouille_008
Joined: 2/25/2015
Msg: 46
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 10:10:01 PM
Why would I make this up ?

Really if you don't have anything constructive to offer please stay quiet .
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 47
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 10:12:21 PM
Ya know...say what you want about 'validation'

How many men have abandoned their partners when the sh!t hit the fan?

I'm sure someone will post an 'exception'

Whadeva
 Peas_
Joined: 5/2/2015
Msg: 48
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 10:19:58 PM
^^^ I already did.

But I would like to know if opie is helping out his friend now in his care taking?
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 49
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 10:20:48 PM
Papouille 008- I have been a nurse for almost two decades.
I have seen disability bring people closer or drive then apart.
It's awfully easy to be on the outside, looking in, and say what you are sure what you would or would not do, but you won't know until YOU are there.
Your friend could have changed how he treated his wife completely, he may have become abusive, this is more common than people think. I'm not saying he did, but you just don't know because you aren't there ALL the time.
I'm not saying it was a "good" thing that she left, but maybe she just couldn't cope and who am I, or you, to judge?
Sometimes people have to put loved ones in facility's because THEY start to break down doing too much and then they can't care for others who depend on the caregiver too. (especially children)
No one can stay awake 24/7, no one can care for someone else full time without a break.
If you have a support system that you could turn to if you were in your friends wife position, be thankful, because not everyone has that.
I'll tell you what, move in with your friend and take care of him, for at least three months, if you still feel his wife was wrong to leave him, get back to us.
Something tells me not to wait for that to happen.
 clooneystutor
Joined: 3/8/2015
Msg: 50
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/1/2015 10:25:53 PM
Jeez, a few gals posted similar tales.

I retract my previous comments and feel bad you met sh!t heads :(
 sealady111
Joined: 5/31/2015
Msg: 51
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/2/2015 2:40:26 AM
^^^^

Darling Clooney


There are a lot of them.


Yet......

We women still love men.
 import_from_uk
Joined: 5/12/2015
Msg: 52
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/2/2015 4:08:55 AM
Tough situation and hard to know for sure what any of us would do faced with it - and all the elements that accompany the situation.

Sure, I understand the marriage vows regarding "In sickness and in health" but marriage vows get broken all the time because the reality of them isn't always as simple as they seem when stated. It's all well and good to have the intention of sticking to them as both stand their healthy and strong but their are some situations where it's just too much and an endless pit of misery for all.

I have a friend who recently was diagnosed with cancer on his spine. Great guy, young family, three kids under 10, lovely family. He's a pretty up beat person. The operations, the cancer treatment, his restriction to a wheelchair, he knows a huge weight is currently on his wife's shoulders and he makes an effort to stay upbeat as much as he can, and not make it any harder on his young family than it has to be. I drove him into the rehab centre a couple of times and met others in similar situations adjusting to life (at least for the time being) in wheel chairs. Some were angry and aggressive, mad at the world, intimidating and don't get me wrong, I could see that they were also scared. I can see how much harder this mindset would be on marriages and families. What if they blamed the World for their unfortunate situation for years? What if their spouse and young children were subject to this treatment indefinitely? Is that level of abuse acceptable under the circumstances? Or if a spouse determined the aggression and anger were too much and walked away, who would be viewed as "at fault"? From the spouse's view, I imagine it could be justified as a safety concern, from the aggressors view, they'd likely consider that ole "In sickness and in health" vow as being walked away from. There's always two sides to a story and I get this man is your friend, but what goes on behind closed doors, is only known by those present.

When spouses leave "out of the blue with no warning", it's rarely an accurate account of events. With no warning you as an outsider saw, sure, I can go with that. With no warning or sign to him, nah, I'm not convinced of that.

There are a whack of people here who when a long term relationship ends, might view it initially as having been "out of the blue with no warning" but in time and with some hindsight, the warning flags were being waved franticly, it's just they weren't always seen.

[QUOTE]When she left he asked "how am I going to take care of myself, let alone a house and four cats" .... her answer was "you're going to have to find a way".

When someone has made the decision to go, it's really an easy one. Having stuck by him this long, having lived with the effects of his accident, having tried to find a way to help him, his spouse would have considered all these things in depth. You really believe that she didn't lay awake at night wondering how he'd manage? I don't believe that. I think she likely considered all these things for a long time, and stayed longer than she maybe wanted to, because she felt guilty about her decision.

She knew he'd lay this at her door once told and still she decided that her best option was to go. She gave him honesty, not false hope to fob him off. You have to respect her for that.


Just wondering if this is a normal thing to do ? I don't think that it is, as I would never even consider doing this.


No. You would like to believe you wouldn't. But until you a living that reality and with all the side issues that accompany it, you don't know for sure.


And to top it off she wants to stay friends ( I know what my answer would be if it was me ).


Meh. It's a common statement upon splitting. It translates as "I don't intend being a jerk about this split unless you are". It's often made by the party leaving and they mean well by it. I imagine it's hard to hear for anyone not wanting a split and likely feeling they wouldn't want to be friends with someone who drops them in the shyte from a great height.


It's interesting too to consider that your whole post is detailing his views about how hard it will be without his wife as a caregiver and not a word about how he loves her, is going to miss her or anything related to a relationship where he's fulfilling her needs for love, support. It's all one sided about how his new life following the accident depends on her for day to day care. I imagine that's a tough role for anyone if it's the sole role within the marriage.

Take your friend's comments with a pinch of salt. Chances are, if he was healthy and the marriage ended, you might have questioned what went wrong, if communication ended, if her needs were being met, if he was loving and supportive of her, if the relationship was one sided with one always giving and the other always taking. Don't be blinded just because he's in a wheelchair that all these other elements of a successful marriage suddenly become mute. Looking after someone 24x7 who behaves like a jerk isn't easy. If someone treats their partner like crap endlessly, and expects them to hang around based only on obligation, that's a tough life. Seems like if an abled bodied spouse made a relationship all about one person and their needs, most of us would think "Ya know, you treated her like total crap, what did you expect". The accident isn't a free pass for this to be okay.
 DietFree
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 53
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Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/2/2015 5:08:42 AM

Why would I make this up ?

Really if you don't have anything constructive to offer please stay quiet .


Now I know that you're just making things up as you go along.

You only give info that makes the wife look bad....if you can't give all the pertinent information, then you shouldn't post.
 motowncowgirl
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 54
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/2/2015 5:28:24 AM

Geez all I asked was what others thought about this situation. And yes, I already have my opinion formed on this ; I am not looking for validation.

Really if you don't have anything constructive to offer please stay quiet

but the so-called unconstructive comments ARE what others think about this situation.

and since your mind is already made up, anything else we can say is by definition 'non-constructive'.

this thread will now take on a life of its own until people get bored with it. so please stay quiet if you don't have anything entertaining to offer.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 55
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/2/2015 6:19:41 AM

left him out of the blue with no previous warning


There are two sides to every story and I bet you what happened did not happen in a vacuum. I agree with what Waltt said 100 percent.

I am also sorry about what happened to you and your lady. It happens. A friend of mine's daughter is a lesbian and the interesting thing is that she has lost several girlfriends not to other women, but to the sausage farm. Also, someone I know was married, came out of the closet, was in a relationship with another woman for a bunch of years, and just recently decided to come to the other side.

So I believe that is more common with women to experiment and find men as well as women attractive. Also there those, like my friends daughter, that do not cross to the other side at all.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 56
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Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/2/2015 6:45:08 AM

I have seen disability bring people closer or drive then apart.
It's awfully easy to be on the outside, looking in, and say what you are sure what you would or would not do, but you won't know until YOU are there.

I agree. It changes things, and many folks aren't built for that. For most, ya don't Really know exactly how you'll feel until you're knee-deep in the situation.

I guess OP's situation calls for this: Should you stay with someone over the long-haul if you're not into them? For how long, if you're married? Combined with (and much of it instigated by) having to take care of them? The OP's friend's situation is going to Affect BOTH people individually on some level, and affect the relationship. It's easy to say wedding vows "...in sickness and in health...," but let's also be realistic. Say they didn't get married but lived together for umpteen years. Would that be better/worse? Make the injured guy say "Oh, that's cool. We never had wedding vows. Hey, just send me a Xmas card sometime... good luck in your search!" -- No. Not much of a difference.

If I was seriously injured and needed help, I wouldn't want my LTR live-in to be burdened by it. Apart from that, I wouldn't want to indefinitely be with her if she lost feelings about me. I wouldn't want her to bolt the second she started feeling that way, but I would expect a normal transition over time and mutual understanding, etc. And if I was in OP's friend's shoes, not only would I change (like anyone would in his situation) over time, but so would the Significant Other.

If we only allowed those who would want to be with & taking care of a disabled Significant Other Indefinitely to be married -- very few people would get married. And it'd be hard to tell which is which. Many would claim, but when the sh!t hits the fan, many of those wouldn't given enough time, and few would who thought they wouldn't.
 Peas_
Joined: 5/2/2015
Msg: 57
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/2/2015 5:47:46 PM
Well,....there could've always been NG there for her on the side....
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 58
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/7/2015 4:51:55 AM
Well....while I did not read the entire thread......

I guess my feeling is as an individual who comes from a very long line of very very long term marriages.....In a perfect world, people would truly keep their commitments and not gripe and complain about it and do what they could to help the other in need.

My own parents - my dad in particular, in the last 2 years has suffered some health issues - not life threatening - thank goodness, but some stuff that kept him homebound for short periods of time.

My mom stood with him - went to every doctor's appointment, got prescriptions for him, and took care of him.....while I continued to help run the family business.....and yes went home to help mom with what I could do.....whether it be sitting with Dad while she went to the store or bank, or running errands because she was a afraid to leave Dad alone even for five minutes because he was on some pretty heavy pain killers at the time.

Leaving my dad NEVER entered my mother's mind. - ever. - and yes....I'm sure even she got frustrated, stressed out and tired - although she never complained. She was just grateful she was able to take care of him.

My mom even went on a business trip with dad not too long after a surgery he had....and he told anyone and everyone who was there if it hadn't been for mom, he wouldn't have been able to make the trip and he was mighty grateful to be there....and still here on this earth breathing, enjoying life, and still meeting people. He loves what he does for work and has never met a stranger in his life.

But then again....those are my parents....and yes, I am very proud of them. - They come from the generation that sticks things out until the end. My parents have worked hard, put themselves through college, have done very well for themselves, helped ME get through college, and now I have the privilege to help run a very successful family business. Sure, they had their hard times, but they got through it and are still together.

I did not live within the walls of the OP's friend....there are many couples out here of all ages who can not deal with the face of adversity. In that case....it's better to be on your own than to deal with a bitter and resentful spouse due to an illness.....It just goes to show how people's true colors come out.

In spite of the OP's friend being disabled with 4 cats....he is truly better off without her. If he can't take care of the cats, he can place in animal shelter for adoption. He can find other choices and options for his care. - Sure, he may have to pay for it, but it's better than being belittled by someone who doesn't want to be there.

Sure....it's always great to have good times and the fun times, but your character is always defined within the face of adversity.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 59
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Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/7/2015 1:03:59 PM

she didn't want to be married anymore and wanted to have fun.


OP don't get bent out of shape because of the responses you're getting. You asked if her leaving was normal people answered that apparently it is, many folks here have been on the wrong side of a bad situation. We all hope that we will behave in an exemplary manner in the face of trying times, but the fact is a crisis can exacerbate an already sh1tty situation. Your friend assumes he would have stuck around and played nurse, but until you have had to bathe someone and help them use the toilet you have no idea how you will react.

You still haven't told us the length of the marriage, whether they had kids and how happy they were prior to his injuries or for that matter how long his illness has lasted. He worried more about keeping house and feeding cats, not that the love of his life had left.

People walk out every day, because they meet someone new, or don't want to grow up, work hard or raise kids. Her excuse is no worse than most.
 kj521
Joined: 8/8/2012
Msg: 60
Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/7/2015 5:46:38 PM
We do like you, Mr. Tiffalation.

You had me with the Love Bus....but the hearts and flowers....well...they just touch my romantic soul!

But I have to know....are you creating these...or are you copy and pasting?

Wait! Don't answer! I would rather just believe..... :)

Welcome and enjoy your stay. ;)
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 61
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Is this a normal thing to do ?
Posted: 7/7/2015 5:46:51 PM
sealady

some of us love some men. Fishing in somewhat murky ponds does not get a great catch I am afraid.
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