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 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 67
Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I agree with Malfeasance on this;


Having good conversational skills means the person you are talking to doesn't need to be a good conversationalist for you to have a conversation.


Besides what LH has mentioned:
A great conversationalist listens respectfully.
A great conversationalist asks open-ended questions based on what has been said.
A great conversationalist has an open and non-confrontational body language (i.e. leaning forward, nodding, arms not crossed).
A great conversationalist makes the withdrawn, socially awkward person who can't think of anything to say comfortable with sharing their opinion.
A great conversationalist makes silence comfortable.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 68
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Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 9/6/2015 6:43:55 AM
spot4username

Can you give me some names of other dating forums that are international? Not just for the US???
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 69
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Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 9/6/2015 6:46:16 AM

shipforbrains
what you do not seem to want to admit is that you came here with a chip on your shoulder and are leaving it seems, with an even bigger one. adios amigo
 benartflick
Joined: 3/8/2012
Msg: 70
Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 9/6/2015 9:00:06 AM

You would be surprised at the number of people with poor conversational skills.


Just about every women and girl I met (in person) over a lifetime were good conversationalists. Many men are just not too talkative. I can only GUESS why. Maybe on dates with desirable women they become charming, witty, and good communicators. Don't know!


Online dating seems to attract shy people with poor social skills.


I don't recall ever meeting a woman with poor social skills. (Plenty on forums!)

In the past, at singles dances, I've noticed many guys dressed poorly: jeans and checkered shirts.

At one dance, a tall Hugh Jackman type was making sexual innuendo comments to a pretty blonde. The DJ announced ladies choice. The tall stud said, "Ladies choice, hint, hint."

The blonde asked me to dance. She thought the sexual comments were inappropriate during a first conversation. Poor social skills?



. I think shy guys turn to online dating because they are uncomfortable approaching women in real life.


I was never shy or uncomfortable around women. After my divorce, I preferred waiting for them to make the first move. That worked for me for a few reasons.
 Literate_Hiker
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 71
Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 9/6/2015 9:57:04 AM
Yes 2ufo, listening is an important part of good conversational skills. I am good at asking open-ended questions, listening and drawing people out. I agree with all of your points except:

great conversationalist makes the withdrawn, socially awkward person who can't think of anything to say comfortable with sharing their opinion.

I cannot magically transform a tongue-tied, socially awkward man into an outgoing person who comfortably asks questions and shares his opinions.

"It's your turn to say something," I finally said. I was driving a new man from out of town to a view point in Wenatchee, to show him the gorgeous, snowcapped Enchantment mountains. The man was painfully shy and withdrawn. Silence stretched when I stopped talking.

After a long pause he replied, "I can't think of anything to say." Silence stretched.

"Ask me a question, comment on the scenery, tell something funny that happened at work," I suggested. I waited for him to say something. Silence stretched. It was like talking to a rock.

Conversation is two-way communication. Otherwise, it's a monologue.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 73
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Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 9/6/2015 10:18:49 AM
^^Now Boo what ever do you mean? :)
Back to topic:
God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason...anyone guess why?

Listening is by far the most important contribution to a conversation since one can take what they hear and throw it back at the speaker. Most people just want to be heard!
 Witnesstomythoughts
Joined: 7/27/2015
Msg: 74
Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 9/6/2015 10:23:56 AM
This Joe kid makes a good point !

There's 2 types of people :

The ones who listen and the ones waiting for their turn to speak.
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 75
Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 9/6/2015 1:17:07 PM

I cannot magically transform a tongue-tied, socially awkward man into an outgoing person who comfortably asks questions and shares his opinions.


You're not meant to magically transform anyone into something they aren't - at least not a first meet (LOL).

Are you not comfortable with silence - particularly on a drive to/through gorgeous mountain scenery? A lot of people don't like silence. Maybe there was too much information (verbal and visual) for him to consider a response to any of it. Maybe he was struck dumb with awe at dating an attractive woman after so long (however long it may have been). Or maybe he decided that you weren't a match with him and he wasn't going to extend himself (that's just plain rude). I don't know.

If I'm with a 'rock', I'll be silent after a while of talking... usually they'll ask why I'm not talking anymore and I'll just tell them that silence is ok too.

"Thank God!" replied one guy (ages ago). Ultimately, he and I weren't a match, but did go on quite a few dates... usually fishing or star-gazing.
 benartflick
Joined: 3/8/2012
Msg: 76
Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 9/6/2015 2:02:50 PM

Maybe there was too much information (verbal and visual) for him to consider a response to any of it. Maybe he was struck dumb with awe at dating an attractive woman after so long (however long it may have been). Or maybe he decided that you weren't a match with him and he wasn't going to extend himself (that's just plain rude).



Maybe he was like a lot of men trying NOT to distract a woman driving up a mountain road. My old sweetheart, while driving, would look at me for too long when talking and listening. Most of the time all I ever said to her was, "Please keep your eyes on the road."

On trips, I prefer little chatting and enjoy listening to music - no matter who's driving. Is that inappropriate? A few of us believe while driving isn't the time to have a conversation. Might be a bit dangerous.

(Also, I suspect Browneyes moved to Mass from New York. I can almost guarantee she didn't grow up in Mass or RI. Perhaps Maine.)
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 78
Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 9/6/2015 5:29:33 PM
I cannot magically transform a tongue-tied, socially awkward man into an outgoing person who comfortably asks questions and shares his opinions.
----------
Any moron can talk to someone who participates equally. Skill is only required when talking to the people you just described. Being skilled at something implies above average ability.
 Literate_Hiker
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 80
Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 9/6/2015 7:17:05 PM
2ufo:
Maybe he was struck dumb with awe at dating an attractive woman after so long

Thank you for your compliment. You made me laugh.

The man I described was oddly quiet over lunch. Thinking a walk might relax him, I took him for a walk along the riverfront. It's easy to talk when you're enjoying nature (and not looking directly at each other). He was still quiet. He gave short answers and didn't ask any questions. I tried to draw him out:

1. Asking open-ended questions;
2. Showing interest in him as a person;
3. Listening;
4. Giving him time to think before speaking; and
5. Making him laugh by telling funny stories.

It was like repeatedly tossing a ball to someone who can't throw it back. It is boring, tiring and annoying to carry the entire conversation. I expect a grown man to have better social skills.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 83
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Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 9/7/2015 5:56:50 AM
literate hiker

I have had dates like that. It is the reason that some men are still looking for a woman. They either have no real interest in you or have nothing much to say. For whatever reason I would cut the meeting short if he cant be bothered or has not the skill as a mature man, to participate equally.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 84
Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 9/7/2015 7:49:59 AM

It's easy to talk when you're enjoying nature


Actually, many people tend to enjoy nature without the noise generated by humans, vocal or otherwise. I will argue that it is best enjoyed that way.


I tried to draw him out:


With your description of him of being "still quiet", more than likely you failed at that "drawing out". Not all people open up to generic "stuff", including open-ended questions, etc. And just to remember, or at least to expose to you, "your" funny stories may not be that "funny" to others. We all have different sense of "ha ha".


I expect a grown man to have better social skills.


Not picking on you personally but, when I don't find someone interesting, which includes what they decide to "talk about", I'm definitely not "opening up" to them. Has nothing to do with "social skills", unless you think talking for the sake of talking as a "skill"???? You say you "listened". Did you not hear his silence? It WAS saying something.
 Literate_Hiker
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 85
Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 9/7/2015 8:59:40 AM
He gave me the nicest compliment. "With online dating it is extremely rare to find a beautiful, slender, intelligent, fit, funny and active woman like you," he said.

This was in the afternoon after walking on the riverfront trail, and showing him the spectacular Enchantment mountains with the sun lighting the snowy peaks. Because he is a photographer, I knew he would enjoy that.
 ScurvyLittleSpider
Joined: 11/23/2014
Msg: 86
Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 9/7/2015 9:28:01 AM

Does this happen over and over again to anyone else? I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels every time I respond to a message.
Yes, did happen to me. The vast majority of convos went nowhere at all -- and I DID have photos in the profile.

Inner Gorilla has this right, I think

Why? Because this is more addictive than reality tv, it's more stupid than the Jerry Springer show when it had the best rating, and because we love the drama, the punishment, the rush of the fight and we are all looking for the day when Vicki and NG will finally make up and agree on everything.....NOT.
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 89
Lack of interest or lack of conversational skills?
Posted: 9/7/2015 1:24:12 PM
The man I described was oddly quiet over lunch. Thinking a walk might relax him, I took him for a walk along the riverfront. It's easy to talk when you're enjoying nature (and not looking directly at each other). He was still quiet. He gave short answers and didn't ask any questions. I tried to draw him out:

1. Asking open-ended questions;
2. Showing interest in him as a person;
3. Listening;
4. Giving him time to think before speaking; and
5. Making him laugh by telling funny stories.

It was like repeatedly tossing a ball to someone who can't throw it back. It is boring, tiring and annoying to carry the entire conversation. I expect a grown man to have better social skills.
------------------
Being a good conversationalist is not step by step set of instructions memorized from a self help book. Actually being interested in something that interests the other person and knowing when to not speak and prod works much better. Given that you have gone on a zillion dates with men who didn't pan out and ended up dating men who seemed to be losers in the long run, perhaps you should reconsider your own conversational skills. Conversation is more than just idle chit chat and anecdotes. You certainly don't seem to be able to find out enough about anyone to qualify him as a real possibility for a relationship.
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