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 AUTHOR
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 26
Melt downPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
It won't let me change the post for some reason. I meant it isn't going to work.
 shirleywonton01
Joined: 4/30/2015
Msg: 27
Melt down
Posted: 8/9/2015 8:59:28 PM
In the early phases of dating people fall off and often we don't know why. Not everyone is conscientious or caring enough to let you know so you can walk away without the confusion and wasted time thinking about it. It takes courage and a good amount of self-awareness to be forth coming. Your girl has neither as of yet. She's finding herself or not.

In her broken state you find her attractive and want to help however the reality of dating someone like this is they have communication problems and a host of other issues.

Find someone on the same page of awareness and self-love as yourself or be prepared to get jerked around. Good luck
 SlowlyandSteadily
Joined: 5/4/2015
Msg: 28
Melt down
Posted: 8/9/2015 9:25:20 PM
I appreciate the feedback and apologize if my post is contradictory that wasn't my intention. I do not think I am drama king I try and be pretty level headed and pragmatic even when it comes to relationships. I also try and do honest self-reflection regularly and am always open to constructive feedback about myself.

As to halftime dad I would ask so what recourse do I have then? I was with the same girl from 18-24. After that 6 year relationship I spent 2 years single working on myself (building self-confidence/working out/finishing my graduate degree). Then about 6 months ago I started dating girls I met both through OLD and IRL. It would probably be more accurate to say I started binge dating and casually hooking up. I would go on anywhere from 1-3 dates a week each with a different girl. I was generally seeing between 1-3 girls at a time and being very open with each of them about the fact I was seeing other people and dating casually. Ususally this did not seem to be a problem for them. I was able to do this but I always felt guilty breaking it off with a girl after I realized we were not compatible. It became especially hard because in many cases we had a sexual relationship and I would wind up feeling guilty hooking up with them and then dumping them a week or two later (even if it was for unrelated reasons). I realize that I did not act in the nicest way, although at least I was upfront with them about me seeing other girls and I always broke it off via phone call especially if we had been intimate and was honest about why I couldn't continue a relationship with them. It was fun on some level but also fairly unfufilling to me. Three months ago I started looked for a compatible long term relationship.

It seems like a bit of a catch 22 because when I was acting a bit like an ass I was able to get girls into my bed with little problem but now I want to be a decent human being and have a meaningful relationship it seems acting respectful and kind seems to be a turn off or foreign to a lot of girls in their early-mid 20s who are used to dating young and immature guys.
 SlowlyandSteadily
Joined: 5/4/2015
Msg: 29
Melt down
Posted: 8/9/2015 9:58:38 PM
I don't know how it makes me a****that I entered in consensual sexual relationships with girls I was casually dating but okay you are entitled to your opinion. I never lied to any girl I went out with about the fact I was casually dating girls other than her and I never coerced any girl into a sexual relationship with false promises or hints that I was interested in an immediate exclusive relationship. My profile indicated at that point in time I was interested in dating but nothing serious so I think I was pretty clear with anyone involved. I felt guilty because I am generally not the sex without monogamy kind of guy and because I was worried about hurting people's feelings not because I felt my behavior was shady.

I also never said that anyone was not good enough for me. I broke it off with girls and had a fair number (perhaps even an equal number) break it off with me during my 3 months of casual dating. I was not trying to claim I was an unapologetic player or liar or that I am some kind of ladies man. I had fun as did the girls I was seeing in a vast majority of cases and then one of us generally decided it had run its course usually after a couple weeks and ended things. With the girls I did end it with it was generally for reasons like we did not have shared interests or weren't compatible in some other way either emotionally, intellectually, or sexually not saying that I was better or they were worse it was just simple incompatibility.

My question is how do I approach the fact that a large number of girls in their early to mid 20s are at worst still interested in dating an unrepentant jerks and at best want to date a nice guy but don't know how to interpret my behavior when I am being genuinely kind and considerate?
 loveisatemple
Joined: 3/28/2014
Msg: 30
Melt down
Posted: 8/9/2015 10:26:29 PM
How old is she?
I think you are fretting over nothing in the sense you are both going back to school and working on your careers.

A relationship does not have to be a priority now. She let you know she is overwhelmed and you pointed out issues already.

Why not just stay in touch, have no demands and if you can mutually decide to get together, do so.

Having a serious relationship is possibly going to create demands you both may not be able to meet.

If you do get together, you should support each others goals vs focus on the relationship.
 MaleFeasance
Joined: 3/13/2015
Msg: 31
Melt down
Posted: 8/9/2015 10:46:42 PM
I said yes but now I am just thinking is this going to be a pattern? Everytime she gets stressed is she going to push me away or test me like this? I need to know whether you think there is a greater probability this is how she deals with stress...
-------------
Been there and done that. Yes, it will be a pattern. Your job in life will be to deal with her stress while she finds every excuse in the world to do nothing to keep from feeling stressed.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 32
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 4:26:45 AM

She calls me at 8 that night and cries and tells me she loves me and asks me if she can take a week and she can just focus on settling into work without us interacting and then we can continue our relationship. I said yes but now I am just thinking is this going to be a pattern?


Right there should tell you your answer.....whenever a man asks me for space.....I give him MORE than what he needs.....in other words, I don't and won't date him any longer.......
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 33
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 8:56:15 AM
Thank you. I'd forgotten about that.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 34
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 9:53:16 AM
for future reference, a person who's parents are not "overly active in her life" is a red flag. if she learned at a young age to stand on her own two feet, the fact her parents go thru the motions but won't extend themselves the extra mile, may not be so much a problem. but, here she is, willing to do the basics, but when it comes time to buckle down, she just buckles under.

and why not? what's the damage to her? she whines, she cries, and people put up w/ her nonsense. You answer the phone. Even if you put her in her place, you're only doing what her parents should have had the balls to do years ago. if you think you have problems relying on her to act like an adult and not a teenager....imagine what her coworkers say about her behind her back. maybe even to her face. think she handles stress at work the same way she does with you? i'm sure she learned at a young age what a "cute girl" who impresses everyone at the first meet, goes out of her way to buy a good impression to make up for what comes later, can get in life. she "Acts nice" rather than "Be nice". that got her thru childhood, but now she has more responsibilities. people will rely on her to do more than just "act nice".

but, she can fail her way thru life until her looks leave her. she can provide drama, to cover up for the fact she doesn't provide responsibility. she can handle what everyone else can handle, and then she folds like a cheap suit while adults continue on handling things. ironically, tho, we learn most about ourselves by what we DON'T run away from. its easy to imagine one is perfect, its more realistic to find out just how close to perfection we really are. the best swords are always made from consistently being thrust into the fire, and then getting hammered on.
 adventurejoe70
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 35
view profile
History
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 9:58:20 AM

Every single psychologist I've ever met, including my therapist


Say again?She better have been a sex therapist - MUHAHAHAHA
 Peas_
Joined: 5/2/2015
Msg: 36
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 10:19:17 AM

ps- you said you met parents at the 4th week and you were dating 5 weeks total. Didn't you find it odd that she pushed you to meet parents after you said you loved her and then a total of 3 times in that last week you met and chatted with parents?

Joey sees it.

IMHO, the parents are controlling and dysfunctional, hence her familiar choices on "controlling jerks" for past relationships. See below. Her parents control her.






I didn't find it all that odd that I met her parents and then talked to them each time after the initial meeting (as I indicated I found it a bit odd she wanted me to formally meet her parents that early on but I chalked some of that up to the fact she lived at home). In the begining she was actively ensuring that when I picked her up she came outside and met me at my car instead of me having to walk up to the door and meet her parents. I met her parents a month in and we sat down and they asked me the regular questions parents ask (Job/School/about my parents/obligatory small talk)

I knew on the first date that she had someself-esteem issues and that she had only dated controlling jerks based solely on her behavior
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 37
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 12:52:54 PM

So you're a d*** it turns out...


Agreed.


I knew on the first date …… that she had only dated controlling jerks based solely on her behavior (……she thought it necessary to avoid making eye contact with our male server as if I would take that as a sign that she was interested in him)


Wow, that’s quite the conclusion you’ve drawn…you’ve determined not only what she did but why she did it, and what it all means….and of course, it’s ALL BAD.

Did someone mention a “controlling jerk”?

Hopefully she is moving on, away from you.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 38
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 1:38:35 PM

3.5 weeks in she said she loved me and I reciprocated(I know it was quick but seemed genuine)


Seemed?
'Nuff said .. there's your problem



I need to know whether you think there is a greater probability this is how she deals with stress or that once we are more established she won't be likely to pull this crap again.


crap???

*shakes head* shot yourself in the very first post
 SlowlyandSteadily
Joined: 5/4/2015
Msg: 39
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 4:23:00 PM
What a nasty old witch you are to feel the need to spew such vitriol at someone you have never even met. It is no surprise that you are single at your age if that is how you carry yourself. I can only hope you find something better to do with your time then hide your face like the nasty cow that you clearly are. You don't know me in the slightest so your baseless assumption I am controlling is laughable. Seriously please do the world a favor and go jump off a cliff.

She actually confirmed my suspicions about her previous boyfriends on the third date and I was not making a positive or negative value judgement about her behavior. If a girl frequently checks in and asks for permission to do seemingly mundane things it is generally a pretty safe assumption that she either has controlling parents or controlling ex partners.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 40
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 4:37:38 PM
Whoa... who are you talking to Mr. Slowandsteadily????


Oh please let it be me, please.... please let it be me! ! :D *prays
Respond quickly please so I can get back to you. I have somewhere to be in an hour





*files nails
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 41
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 4:42:48 PM
Maybe it was for me....

:smile:

*paints toenails *
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 42
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 4:42:51 PM
That was my feeling on it.

She lives in a state of fear right now. She's constantly worried that she's going to do or say something that will set you off, because that's what she's come to expect. The longer it goes without you being irrational, the more afraid she gets. This isn't victim blaming, I'm just trying to explain what I guess is going on with her.

One possibility is that she is behaving in a way that she believes will set you off - just to subconsciously remove that uncertainty. And when you don't behave in the way she expects you to, she gets more afraid.

I think she needs to get healthy before she can have a healthy relationship.
 Witnesstomythoughts
Joined: 7/27/2015
Msg: 43
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 4:45:32 PM

I can only hope you find something better to do with your time then hide your face like the nasty cow that you clearly are.


He refers to someone with no pic.







* clips toenails ?
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 44
view profile
History
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 4:47:32 PM
Well now we see a more honest side of OP, and how he reacts. Interesting, very interesting.
 VolkanoKing
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 45
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 4:53:39 PM
The OP is advocating that someone commit suicide...not sure exactly whom he is referring to ( I cant read thru this whole thread), but he is giving instructions to someone he doesn't know about how to end their life, and how the world would be a better place without them in it.

So we have someone coming here, asking for help, and then ultimately suggesting that someone here commit suicide. I wonder if the OP would say this to someone's face? Somehow, I sincerely doubt this.

However, if comments on a forum are enough to wish death on someone, maybe the OP should seek a different way to get "help"..unless of course, he is ready to pay for funeral expenses and maybe be pallbearer? That would be the least he could do. Also, meeting the person he suggests "dies to make the world a better place" in person before they select that cliff would be a nice gesture, sort of a pre-suicide meet and greet.
 Witnesstomythoughts
Joined: 7/27/2015
Msg: 46
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 5:00:01 PM
I think he was suggesting the person go CLIFF DIVING because it's a fun activity which might improve her mood ?





* sucks his dominatrix toes to avoid a spanking


Edit to below :

There's spankings...and then there's SPANKINGS !

OUCHA MAGOUCHA !

lol
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 47
view profile
History
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 5:01:13 PM
Wow, just wow.

I have never reported anyone on here before, don't have a clue how to do so. ........
 Peas_
Joined: 5/2/2015
Msg: 48
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 5:12:40 PM
Whaaaat? Two of my most favorite things?

There is the most beautiful cliff over the Flambau River here at Slough Gundy. The indians used to jump from there as well. About a 35' jump down into the water. Really kewl.

....and toe sucking? *sniff*

no spanking, however for me. Just rubs.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 49
Melt down
Posted: 8/10/2015 5:12:46 PM
Knew he was going to show his true self
Little boy you best apologize for being a DB
Meanwhile, your posting history lives on forever ( like me, silly mortals) so any woman you message will see who you really are
Glad GF ran
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 50
Melt down? Or temper tantrum?
Posted: 8/10/2015 6:01:08 PM

... nasty old witch
?
Wasn't me, I haven't posted yet.

Slowly -
You say that you wrote her an email telling her she was a shitty person for breaking up with you by text when she was (as I see it) requesting more space (from the 3 dates a week as well as 8-10 posts a day) on the first day of her new and stressful job?


My dillemna is whether or not I can deal with someone with the bad quality of reacting impulsively by pushing others away when faced with stressful situations.


Actually, I think that's her dilemma.


She actually confirmed my suspicions about her previous boyfriends on the third date and I was not making a positive or negative value judgement about her behavior. If a girl frequently checks in and asks for permission to do seemingly mundane things it is generally a pretty safe assumption that she either has controlling parents or controlling ex partners.


... or a controlling current partner?

This sounds like it's developing into a passive-aggressive 'nice guy' whine to me.
Maybe it's just youthful stupidity (as opposed to mature stupidity) in which case, all I can say is "Grow up!"
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