Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Violence and Women      Home login  
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 51
Violence and WomenPage 3 of 22    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)

I forgot everything I had been taught about self defence and just froze.

I posted about that exact thing not long ago. When we gave the safety awarness classes that was discussed at length. That's what they hope to accomplish with an ambush or blitz attack. Paralysis by fear. Doesn't matter how proficient you may be in self defense if you can't move. ymmv
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 52
view profile
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 5:48:16 PM
^^Muscle memory is the only way to counter that.
Joined: 3/24/2015
Msg: 53
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 5:51:37 PM

I forgot everything I had been taught about self defence and just froze.

this is stress paralysis, not your fault. it's a real phenomenon and a mammalian reaction to being attacked. prey animals being attacked by a predator will often do exactly the same thing.

you'll sometimes see people asking in an accusatory tone why women didn't put up more of a fight while they were being raped

now you know why.

unless you have an advanced belt in a martial arts discipline and practice regularly, there's a good chance the panic response will take over and you aren't going to be able to rely on any muscle memory while under the stress of a physical assault.

a similar thing happens to scuba divers. they are taught "buddy breathing", but unless you practice it regularly, it's a method that ends up not saving very many divers who are drowning.
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 54
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 6:09:53 PM

fear can give one a huge adrenaline rush affecting your strength.

That's true. However you have to have the opportunity for the fight or flight decision to subconciously engage. imo
Joined: 3/5/2011
Msg: 55
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 6:19:51 PM

VolkanoKing :
This isnt a quantity game. It's a thread for women here, on this forum, to share personal experiences about how violence has affected them.

You are more than welcome to start a thread about violence against men, and have guys tell their stories.

I just posted my story on my blog, so I am going to take you up on it and create a separate thread for men to share their stories.
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 56
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 6:20:37 PM
Welcome back, crookcatcher!

At age 12 my daughter was nearly abducted by a masked man. "STAY INSIDE THE GYM," was the last thing Claire's dad said, when he dropped Claire off at a girl's basketball game at the junior high. He said it four times. Claire's friend, Liz, was playing in the game.

"Claire, I'm hungry," Liz complained at half time. "I don't see my mom here. Will you go look for her?" Being a good friend, Claire went outside to look for Molly's car. She was alone outside the school at 4:00 pm in broad daylight, with the police station across the street. Walking along the sidewalk, she looked for Molly's car in the parking lot.

Her first indication was the sound of a man's running feet, pounding on the sidewalk. Looking up, she saw a tall man running toward her, wearing all black with a black ski mask pulled over his head and face. Most girls would freeze like a dear in headlights.

But Claire had five years of karate lessons. Just as he reached out to grab her, my 105 lb. girl threw her entire body weight into a karate punch to his stomach. He immediately doubled up in pain. Claire ran back inside the gym and didn't tell an adult.

I found it odd when Claire went to bed early. In her 12 year-old mind, she was in trouble for leaving the gym. At the gym Claire had told a friend, who told her mother, who called the school.

The next day Claire was pulled out of class at 9:15 a.m. by the school principal and a police officer. Her father and I were horrified. We almost lost our daughter! At home I held Claire while we cried together. We dried our eyes. Then as always, I went to the learning. "Claire, what are three things you learned?"

"Stay inside the gym," Claire replied. "Tell an adult." She faltered. "How about 'scream'?" I asked gently.

Do you have any other suggestions when a girl or woman is grabbed, crookcatcher?
Joined: 5/6/2015
Msg: 57
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 6:23:44 PM
I don't know that it's really understood why some people disassociate (if that's what we're talking about?) in the face of trauma, and others go into a fight or flight state. Personally, I normally have no propensity for violence whatsoever, but on the rare occasion that I've felt physically threatened, I've rather surprised myself with what I felt capable of.
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 58
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 6:35:58 PM

But Claire had five years of karate lessons. Just as he reached out to grab her, my 105 lb. girl threw her entire body weight into a karate punch to his stomach. He immediately doubled up in pain. Claire ran back inside the gym and didn't tell an adult. ....... snip ......... "How about 'scream'?" I asked gently.

How do You know She didn't scream?
Most Karate Students are taught to give a short Yell or Scream, when delivering a Punch, Kick, or Chop......
It helps focus the energy of the Blow.......

As for Peoples actions in these situations....

I've read during the Civil War some Soldiers wouldn't Fire their Muzzle Loading Rifles....
After a Battle, they found some Rifles had 4-6-8 loads in the Barrel...
The Soldier had gone through the motions of reloading their Rifles, but never pulled the trigger....
Joined: 4/9/2015
Msg: 59
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 6:36:29 PM
Yes...welcome back CC...How did you manage to keep the same name.?

Interesting enough, this link was on Facebook today...may help while walking alone at night or anywhere.
My grand daughter at 14 still hasn't got a cell phone of her own yet...her parents decision.
But they drive her to most things or they use the buddy system.

There was a young girl in my small home town, followed and murdered a few years back.
On Halloween night, as she was probably less cautious but she did text someone and say she felt like she was
being creeped/followed....she was...she should have run..poor girl.

vvvvvvvvvvvvvv Could someone tell me what Joe means by a ASP.....????
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 60
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 6:38:10 PM
ILoveToLaugh, great! Let me know when the thread is up, it will be interesting to read thru it and see what men have to say.

Although I have never been molested or touched by anyone, I did have two experiences that sadly are probably pretty common for kids.

At the age of 8 I lived in an apartment on a coldesac. Across the street was a guy with a family. He drove a van and parked on the other side of the street. One day I was propped up on the trash dumpster poking around when he pulled the van up behind me. He never parked on our side, so when I turned to look at him thru the windshield I could see he was playing with himself and staring intently at me. Immediately I jumped down and ran into my apartment. I was a latch key kid so I was alone until my mom came home and I told her about it. She never did call the police about it, which I dont fact one more time he tried to get close to me, he walked across the street with a trash can as if he was going to my dumpster, which...once again I was playing on..and when I saw him coming I took off like a shot. He called after me: Hey....I'm not going to hurt you!"

Can you imagine? I dont know if it was a more naive time or what, but if MY child had told me that that guy would have been in handcuffs. I remember referring to him as "The Weenie Whacker" from then on.

The next year, when I was nine, I was in a library when I sensed a man was staring at me. I moved to different spots and he would eventually gravitate over, never taking his eyes off me. The clincher was when I walked down a row and pulled a book off the shelf and there he was! Staring at me thru the gap!

Talk about right out of a movie. I ran and told the librarian that he was following me around, then I ran out the door.

I've had a couple male friends tell me of some childhood experiences, both of which involved a man asking to go down on them.

Aren't people wonderful?
Joined: 3/5/2011
Msg: 61
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 6:43:33 PM

volkanoking :
ILoveToLaugh, great! Let me know when the thread is up, it will be interesting to read thru it and see what men have to say.

It's up, and here it is:

Joined: 5/6/2015
Msg: 62
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 6:44:38 PM
Volcano: I wonder if maybe your Mom wanted to protect you from being questioned by the police, and from possibly being a witness in court?

* I'd also like to say to everyone who has disclosed their experiences on here, that I am so very sorry for what you went through, including the gentleman who started the other thread - it must have taken a great deal of courage to finally tell your family about your experience.
Joined: 5/31/2015
Msg: 63
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 6:49:51 PM
Actually Volcano.

People are lovely.
Most people are lovely.
Most men are lovely.

Reading through these horror stories many of us have had men come to our aid.
And I would suggest that every woman at some stage of her life has been helped by a man.

I have had people stop their car and stay with me whilst awaiting road side assistance when my car has broken down or a flat tire.
The blokes at Uni who walked me home.
The man, who I threw my arms around to escape the wierdo in my car.

A man a couple of days ago who stopped to help me as I was crossing the road with my hands full of groceries and the dogs running around and tangling my legs in the middle of the crossing.

The police who looked after me on many occasions.

One that springs to mind.
I was at a uni ball and the police had been called about the noise.
I asked them for a lift to the train station.
They drove me to the train station, checked the time table realised that I had missed the last night train and the next was not till 5am so they kept me in the back seat of their car for the rest of the night and safely saw me settled on the train.

There are lots and lots and lots of lovely men in this world.

I am having lunch with one such wonderful man in a few hours.

The horrible ones make me realise how wonderful the good ones are.
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 64
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 6:50:29 PM
LH -
"How about 'scream'?" I asked gently.

Relatively few people respond to a scream and it harkens back to the expectation of a 'prince charming rescue' for the princess who simply can't believe something like this is happening to them.

I think her first reaction was adequately appropriate though, yeah, she should have told an adult.
I can understand her reluctance though and she has my respect.
Joined: 3/1/2013
Msg: 65
view profile
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 7:00:45 PM
This isn't going to sound popular but if you are facing a robber just give him what he wants. Unless you are 100% sure you can survive by challenging him, it is better to give them what they want.

If the person wants YOU instead, scream and run as fast as you can to create distance. Only attack (to defend) as a last resort. If you are allowed to carry an ASP in your area , it wouldn't be bad idea to train with one of them and carry it in your hand when in a situation that you are worried about.

I find a quick flip of the wrist causing the ASP to extend causes fear in many. The best fight is the one you never have.

Much cheaper in time and money to buy one and learn to use it IMHO than learning to do Karrate.
Joined: 8/21/2015
Msg: 66
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 7:03:45 PM
Not to take this off in a different direction but in regard to safety.

The first year after my divorce I got a message from a woman on Match. She did not interest me and I did a polite "thanks but no thanks" response. She sent another message back and I did not respond. About a week later I get a note left at my office simply stating "now I know where you work". signed by her user name. Nothing ever became of this but I changed a few things. The photo I used on Match was the same photo I had on LinkedIn and Facebook. Anyone can do a picture search and find you.

So be careful where you use you pictures. Don't use the same pictures on a dating site that you also use on your business site or social media. I only send photos once I've established a connection. I have a separate email for correspondence and a separate cell phone. I have a family, myself and a business to protect.

And why oh why would someone tell their daughter's story complete with name? Or their son or any name.

Please stay safe. Use you head.
Joined: 8/1/2014
Msg: 67
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 7:28:12 PM
"I wonder if maybe your Mom wanted to protect you from being questioned by the police, and from possibly being a witness in court?"

No, I really think she just blew it off. Back in those days, I was 8 years old, walking home from school every day and staying alone until she came home. Although there was still the "stranger danger" thing, there wasnt the EXTREME paranoia that prevails today.

If this makes any sense..and it may not...we both ended up making a joke out of it. In some ways, we were sort of like sisters, I was a very mature kid and for some reason, I think it was partially that dynamic, we just handled it, it's funny and we just laughed at him jerking off.

Of course, even explaining it like this, it is still unthinkable that we took that attitude towards I said, if it was my daughter no matter HOW clever or self sufficient she was, I would have been in a police station filing a restraining order against him, if not charges.

But my mom's reason? Had nothing to do with "sparing me from anything"..we just didnt turn it into this huge drama. I dont defend it at just was what it was. Fortunately I was pretty street smart and took off whenever weird stuff happened. And luckily, nothing super horrible ever did.

How times have changed...

Oh, and this:
"There are lots and lots and lots of lovely men in this world."

^^You take me too literally. My comment about "arent people wonderful" was sarcasm, based on the ridiculousness of situations I described in the content of the post. I guess these things need to be cleared up because none of us really knows one another. I certainly don't need any reminders on how wonderful men are..I've known many and hope to know many more.

Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 68
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 7:28:13 PM
And why oh why would someone tell their daughter's story complete with name?

I only used her first name. My daughter's last name is different than mine, even if you found me on LinkedIn.

I used Claire's first name to make the story more immediate, and more personal. We learn from experience and other people's stories. Descriptive writing paints a picture in the reader's mind.
Joined: 8/21/2015
Msg: 69
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 7:43:23 PM
Google your profile name. Do a Google picture search of your pofile picture. Tell me what you find and I'll retract what I said. Anyone can find anything on the Internet. I'm telling people to be safe while you want to be "descriptive".
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 70
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 8:00:44 PM

1. I was driving through the city during evening peak hour in winter. 6pm ish so it was dark. Stopped at a traffic light and a man jumped in my passenger seat. He just sat there. Said nothing.

Were you driving a convertible with the top down? A jeep with no doors?

If so, well, there's not much you could do to prevent such an occurrence.

I now lock my car doors when driving if there are lots of people around.

That would have been a good preventive measure for the above.

I lock all my car doors even if there is no one around.

There was a situation a few years ago. Caught on news cameras.
Guy in a stolen car was being chased by police.
Got stuck at a red light.
Jumped out of the car and ran to an SUV at the front of the line.
Jumped in unlocked passenger door-with a gun in hand- and proceeded to carjack the vehicle, pushing the guy out the drivers side while in motion.

Obvious lesson.

Lock all of your doors as soon as you get in the vehicle.

And take your keys out of the ignition and put them in your pocket when you stop for gas at a station.

Have also heard stories of vehicles stolen right there at the station when someone leaves their keys in ignition and goes to pay the attendant, or even turns their back for a minute.
Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 71
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 10:06:36 PM
Every time I drive, all of the car doors are locked. When I exit the car, I lock all the doors before walking away.

I never leave the keys in the car. Never leave the car running. This invites car theft.

My father owned an insurance agency. He taught us about safety.
Joined: 5/31/2015
Msg: 72
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/4/2015 11:31:07 PM
What a sad world we have created where we have to lock ourselves in cars to keep the bad people out.
Where we do not feel safe walking to a college, so much so that a 60 year old woman feels she needs to strap pepper spray to her wrist.
Where lying, being nasty and abusive is considered the norm.

Joined: 1/1/2015
Msg: 73
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/5/2015 12:35:21 AM
I have been sexually harassed at two different work places. Both incidents occurred when I was just starting out in my career.

The first assault was a near rape by my boss, who caught me alone in the office during lunch hour. He overpowered me with his weight and height. I broke free and ran. I never went back because we worked alone in that office.

Three years later, another supervisor said if I told anyone about his unsuccessfully pressuring me for sex, he's kill me.

Thank goodness I came from a large family of tattletales, because I went to his boss and told everything. That wonderful vice president immediately arranged that I no longer reported to the harasser. I will always be grateful because he believed me.

It took me nearly 10 years to realize that my unease around men who are much bigger than me stemmed from that near rape at age 19. For a long time after that experience, I felt vaguely uncomfortable around men who, like him, were much bigger than me. I felt slightly fidgety, as if I wanted to leave but didn't know why. I wasn't even aware of it.

That's too bad, because many big men are sensitive, gentle and funny, criteria I look for in friends.

What made me aware of it? A combination of paying attention to my feelings, observing my behavior and reading about sexual harassment led me to realize, "Aha! That's where that uneasiness comes from."

Local attorney Steve Lacy compares victims of sexual harassment to military veterans who have post traumatic stress syndrome, which affects soldiers long after they return home.

As a nation, we have become more sensitive to this because of the high rate of PTSD in veterans. Some experiences are so emotional and life-changing that that we realize how deeply it affected us much later.
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 74
view profile
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/5/2015 1:39:16 AM

In my honest opinion, fear can give one a huge adrenaline rush affecting your strength. Add a good dose of anger in there and you should have a recipe (hopefully) of breaking free and getting away. Or enough strength to lift a car

^^^^^^^While true in some cases, in others one can freeze.

Things may have to happen to us to understand it.

You have to see it coming even if just for a second.After you are attacked and down with no warning and esp no air,you are in a situation you may not get out of alone..

People ( men and women) can freeze if its a surprise attack from behind and they are down in 2 seconds or less, esp by the neck . The whole time in their head they are thinking arms/ legs MOVE.
Do something or you will die.Nothing.

Freezing can happen to the strongest, biggest bad asses there are among us.
No time or possibly the ability for adrenaline to kick in when all you want is air to breathe.

If you want to take someone down,go for the throat, be quick, and be a BIG surprise.

A big Texan once told me. Never let your enemy see it coming.
I thought he was joking.

I have a very healthy understanding of my surroundings now.I look a stranger in the eyes and they know it.
No need to bore anyone with details of my "story".
Joined: 5/17/2015
Msg: 75
view profile
Violence and Women
Posted: 9/5/2015 8:18:36 AM

I posted about that exact thing not long ago. When we gave the safety awarness classes that was discussed at length. That's what they hope to accomplish with an ambush or blitz attack. Paralysis by fear. Doesn't matter how proficient you may be in self defense if you can't move.

When I was in my late twenties the company I worked for sponsored a self-defence class for women. At the end of the day we were given the opportunity to be ‘attacked’ by a university student all suited up in padding. I was terrified but decided to try it. I learned two very valuable things about myself:

First: I had always envisioned that I would yell my fool head off. I can be very loud so always thought this would be a tool I could count on in a bad situation. When this person came at me from behind…. Not a peep. Not even a thought about screaming… all my energy went into the struggle of getting away.

Second: At one point while struggling we ended up half prone and I was able to leverage myself out of his grasp enough to stand up and get out of his range. Did I turn and run as I should have, No! Although I’m sure it was adrenaline, I was MAD! Really mad. So I stepped in towards him and started kicking him while he was prone!! He caught my leg and for a second time I had to fight to get away.

After the class was over and I had time to absorb what happened, I was absolutely shocked that I had put myself back in danger. Even though I’ve never been accosted by a stranger, anytime I’ve been in situation where I’ve felt even the mildest risk, I flash back to that day what I learned about myself.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Violence and Women