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 TrvstInKarma
Joined: 9/1/2015
Msg: 101
being picky vs Lowering your standardsPage 5 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

No woman can speak for other women. Preferences are so individual. Ladies here mentioned clubbing, well I clubbed heavily, alone, between 21 and 23, then I met my ex-husband. I suffered intensely because I was now taken and could not go out dancing every weekend anymore. Since then, I think I've been to a dance club a handful of times and did not enjoy it one bit. I think the last time was about 3 years ago, I went with two new girls from Girlfriend Social. Gosh, WHAT A BORE. So-called music blasting loudly, can't get through the crowd, overpriced drinks. I wore a thick wool mini dress, and while still at home I decided I was not walking out the house like that and put on jeans underneath the dress. Well if I had worn that little dress even without the jeans, I'd still have looked like a nun compared to the young girls at the club.

Meh, too old for the nonsense.


So true. I'm not really big on the whole nightlife thing anymore either, probably because staying up and then having to get up in the morning to make breakfast for my kids is not that fun. Plus, I really only enjoy going out when it's not cold and rainy outside, because I hate having to bundle up and then deal with the coat and umbrella and whatnot at the bar or club. Like who is going to watch all my stuff while I"m dancing, etc. In the summer time, I can dress more comfortably and nicely. I have lots of cute clothes for warm weather, but nothing too spectacular for the winter. This has always been my problem ever since I was a kid, lol. I'm not a cold weather person. And I tend to dress pretty casually, even when I go to a club and always feel under-dressed. The time when I went out with my coworkers and the two daughters, I was wearing jeans and a tank top. Looked pretty casual, nothing fancy, but I was comfortable in my skin and really not looking to meet any guys while out (I was into someone else and not at all interested in anybody else). Proves my point again - the less I care and the less interest I show, the more guys seem to want me.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 102
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 3/11/2016 6:40:42 AM

I have been in a couple of night clubs known not to closely inspect IDs using a borrowed or fake ID. If equally attractive for their age, the early twentieth girls are ten times more likely to be the first ones asked provided that they are not rejecting and other men notice and don't ask. Pity the older women at a table with her niece. Her niece is always the first on the dance floor, it is only after all the young attractive girls have been asked that she gets asked, if at all.


How much older are we talking about? If these older women were in their 50s or above, I would probably agree with you. But relatively older women that are around 40 ( plus or minus a few years ) and reasonably attractive can get plenty of attention at a club or similar setting.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 103
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 3/11/2016 7:47:44 AM

The time when I went out with my coworkers and the two daughters, I was wearing jeans and a tank top. Looked pretty casual, nothing fancy, but I was comfortable in my skin and really not looking to meet any guys while out (I was into someone else and not at all interested in anybody else). Proves my point again - the less I care and the less interest I show, the more guys seem to want me.

Part of the 'baggage' guys like to avoid is indeed literally 'baggage'. If a guy wants to dance with someone, are they going to pick the girl with the huge cosmetics 'tackle box' and multiple layers of coats and other things that cause a logistics problem every time they stand up - or is it easier to pick the gal who left her coat in the car and has a tiny pocketbook they can drape over their shoulder or tuck in a back pocket in seconds?

I never understood the mentality of gals who want to go dancing in heels when it's brutally obvious they can't. If you're going to buy shoes the dance the night away, why the hell do you get a pair that you can't stand wearing for more than a half hour? Who invented that 'standard'? I don't think it was the local guys at the pub.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 104
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 3/12/2016 6:39:56 PM
Njgirl

I agree with you and the young girls that get around in next to nothing at clubs. But do the guys take any of them seriously? Looking for a quick hook up when liquored up more than likely because they cant hold any sort of conversation that is for sure.. Music blasting so you cant hear yourself think. Even when I was young I hated that scene.
You at least have decorum and some class.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 105
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 3/12/2016 6:44:12 PM
karma'

Playing it cool may challenge some guys to be more interested but often once the conquest is made, they are gone.

Also knowing that you are not needy and desperate is more attractive to some and that you are not really available. That you have someone already makes you more desirable etc.

How many men say once the wedding ring is on they are often targeted and have more interest shown.

Humans are complex.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 106
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 3/12/2016 6:50:46 PM
What Ferrari?

I've driven Toyotas for about 17 years, and I'm sticking with them.
Reliable, safe, easy to drive, easy to park.
Long-lasting.
Very pretty.
Love my Toyotas!
 xlr8ingme
Joined: 11/29/2015
Msg: 107
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 3/21/2016 3:42:47 AM
I drive an ole Hyundai that's pretty beat up these days from driving all over the country for the last eight years. My friends and family keep asking me when Im going to give up my "Carmen Elantra". My reply is when she dies. It gets 30mph, is inexpensive / easy to work on, and the insurance is cheap.

With this all being said, my car is like my two life long relationships. I hunted around for what suited me, and made sense in my life at the time. They both passed away, and I was there with them till the end. Being picky to me is finding what I want, and need. I don't have to lower my "standards" to do so.
 xsPuRx
Joined: 4/27/2013
Msg: 108
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/3/2016 11:36:51 AM
Personally I'm an exception to the rule of what most people think. Wither it is being an idiot or not. I say don't lower your standards. You deserve exactly what you think you deserve. If it is not something achievable or practical that is one thing. Like you must be 5 foot 1 and 3 mm, and have 3 dogs, a cat and a trillion $ in your bank. Than yeah you can lower your standards lol, but if you demand a certain amount of qualities like Respect, Honesty, Trust, Communication, Loyality... Drama free. etc I don't think you should give up on that.

At the end of the day. You have to ask yourself one simple question. If I live my entire life with this person and they are missing XYZ... Will I be happy? Or even worse will it make me not happy? If you will not be happy or even unhappy in this situation. I can tell you it probably will end at some point. So is that acceptable to you? Or do you want that person for life?

It is a matter of what you really actually want.
My advice is don't be in a relationship for the sake of being in one.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 109
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/3/2016 1:37:22 PM

You deserve exactly what you think you deserve.

Well, that's not true. Even you believe it not to be true. :) As you say here...

If it is not something achievable or practical that is one thing.

... which isn't uncommon. Just like it's not uncommon for people to get wrapped up in an LTR-toward-marriage even though they're not so compatible and it's not a great idea... others will put their standards too high to be in an LTR. I will say this, though... Don't lower your standards To get into an LTR. There's no reward for merely being in an LTR with insert-person-here. Anyone can be in an LTR, if that's some 'goal' -- it's no accomplishment whatsoever.

Some people aren't that good looking and don't have a good 'stat sheet' that advertises so well in the dating scene -- all while their standards (line in the sand of who they'll truly Like) are too high where there's a near-zero chance for them meeting that standard.

I wouldn't Necessarily say to them "Hey, lower your standards To be in an LTR. In the long run, you're emotionally incomplete not being in one. It's worth it, you'll be more happy if you see things more realistically to allow who you Like to be not quite as stringent." If they're Happy being Single, happy doing what they are doing in the dating circuit, I would say Not to do Anything for the sake of being in an LTR, in and of itself. Being in an LTR in and of itself doesn't make one emotionally complete (although many are unfortunately emotionally dependent on one). I WOULD tell that person who's "standards" are too high or unique, that they should just be Aware that their LTR-standards are too high and to put that in perspective, because not realizing it can end up in confusion & frustration down the line.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 110
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/3/2016 6:56:45 PM

...but if you demand a certain amount of qualities like Respect, Honesty, Trust, Communication, Loyalty... Drama free, etc... I don't think you should give up on that.

"...A certain amount..."? In millimeters? Ounces? Calories? How do you 'score' what that amount may be?

I find with a lot of people believe they have a 'standard' for such emotional involvements. Some believe through and through that they know EXACTLY what traits they want, and look for examples of it. What I think people should reflect on, is how that emotional 'standard' isn't really a 'standard' at all. It changes with attitude, climate, heck, even the day of the week makes certain traits 'achievable' when other days they are nearly impossible to meet.

People do what they need to do to feel comfortable. People do what they want to do because it feels 'right'. You can't score it, qualify it, or otherwise stick it in some sort of category - because it's all dependent upon what's going on between your OWN ears, not what the rest of the world may be doing around you.


It is a matter of what you really actually want.

True - it IS a matter of what you really, actually want - but that's not the whole sentence.

It is a matter of what you really, actually want - at THAT TIME. Things change. Everything gets older - including ideas of a 'good' match. Add a little booze into the mix, and those 'wants' can really flip on their head.

Should people sacrifice their wants and desires simply for the sake of a status? Nobody is forcing you to do so - but people ALSO need to realize just how their 'wants' lists change over time, and how vain and inconsistent they can actually be. Understanding the context of your own desires is something people don't want to do - because it means recognizing your own vulnerability, and realizing at some times, usually in hind sight, you may be 'wrong' for wanting what you want.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 111
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/3/2016 8:19:15 PM
A deep post above... True stuff.
 xsPuRx
Joined: 4/27/2013
Msg: 112
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/3/2016 10:38:50 PM

A certain amount..."? In millimeters? Ounces? Calories? How do you 'score' what that amount may be?

I find with a lot of people believe they have a 'standard' for such emotional involvements. Some believe through and through that they know EXACTLY what traits they want, and look for examples of it. What I think people should reflect on, is how that emotional 'standard' isn't really a 'standard' at all. It changes with attitude, climate, heck, even the day of the week makes certain traits 'achievable' when other days they are nearly impossible to meet.

People do what they need to do to feel comfortable. People do what they want to do because it feels 'right'. You can't score it, qualify it, or otherwise stick it in some sort of category - because it's all dependent upon what's going on between your OWN ears, not what the rest of the world may be doing around you.


Okay you just blew my mind.. Very good thought process, and it is a quite simple way of looking at it too. I guess we tend to make things more complicated than needed.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 113
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/4/2016 5:05:52 AM
Another facet of al this, is that as we go through life, and as we age, the things we imagine we should be into and which we think will reward us, change as well. And they often change dramatically.

Going from the little kid stage to the young adult stage is huge, and maybe because it is so huge, we miss the lesson in it. What I mean is, that when I was a kid, for example, I thought the key to happiness was to get certain toys that I saw on TV or in the store, so that I could play with them and with my friends in the back yard. I added to and changed the exact toys on the list as I aged from zero to twelve or so, but it was always about that kind of stuff.

Then came the Great Puberty Transition, and the rapid shift from getting toys to play with, to wanting to figure out how to get a girl to like me. The toys lost their shine, and became secondary to the new social primary goal. Instead of wanting the toys for the sake of having the toys, I wanted the new level of toys, only because I thought I needed them to get the girl.

The big lesson there, is that as we change and as existence itself changes around us, we aren't being "picky" or "lowering our standards," just because we no longer want a tree house and the best collection of toy soldiers ever.

The same is true now. I don't want to go clubbing anymore either, but it isn't because there was ever anything right or wrong about clubbing, it's just that because of how I've changed, it no longer serves any of my desires or hungers. The problems with it were always there (the cost, the noise, the obnoxious people who aren't like me), but since I thought I could find what I was after there, I was willing to put up with all that to get it.

So I'd say we're ALWAYS picky, it's just not as obvious when we're young, because we don't learn what to be picky ABOUT until we're neck deep in yuck.
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 114
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/4/2016 1:33:12 PM
Never lower your standards. That's how you wake up one morning and wonder how the hell did you end up with him/her. Then it becomes not what were you thinking but why weren't you thinking in the first place.
 no_kids_please
Joined: 3/4/2016
Msg: 115
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/4/2016 4:20:55 PM

Never lower your standards. That's how you wake up one morning and wonder how the hell did you end up with him/her. Then it becomes not what were you thinking but why weren't you thinking in the first place.


Or you wake up one morning alone, and then wake up the next morning alone, and then the next, and the next, and the next. Repeat until you're taking the long nap in a you-sized box.

Some people are cool with that, I suppose... at least they didn't have to settle for a guy 1" too short, or the girl only making $35k as a teacher.
 loveisatemple
Joined: 3/28/2014
Msg: 116
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/4/2016 8:04:27 PM
You hear generalities like "sometimes your standards are unreasonable", etc..and it sounds all reasonable, but do folks practice this themselves, or is it for the benefit of wanting women to lower their wants whilst they keep creeping on bikini models, appearing aghast when women older than they contact them, need to pursue much younger women, still hold onto wanting a model when they are no model? It's no skin off my nose but I wonder if it's just finger pointing, or they have seen the light...

Me, lowering standards or picky...I dunno. It's not a scoring system, it's yes or no. My standards are I need to enjoy a long day or days with them happily without any needless drama, I need to be sorry to see them go, I need to be excited to share my news with them, need to trust them, etc. Those standards don't change.

A guy who was gorgeous but I could not do any the above just cannot work out. I probably would not pick anybody a lot younger or older, as the plan is ltr, if I bother. They have to want ltr, monogamy and value a stable life, or I won't be into it.
Some people like to argue, incite drama, etc. cannot deal with stability. I am the opposite, once there is conflict, it's just a pain in the ass. It's not that I cannot accept a squabble, but not to the point of disrespect.

So, I draw the line at condescension, a habit of many of my exes who thought it was cute and fine to play critic or disregard my feelings. I know that is the beginning of the end. In some cases in retrospect, they probably started out thinking they were better, not because they were, but they just enjoyed that feeling of being higher, and they tend to feel that towards any woman or anybody they date. It's odd and curious, maybe a narcissism. I definitely walk the other way now. I find these typical roadblocks happening, a non starter.
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 117
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/4/2016 10:25:08 PM
no_kids so why wont you date a woman with kids? right there you might set your self up to be alone.
No I'm not afraid to wake up alone in bed. I might be in the minority but I enjoy my own company. Been backpacking for days at the time with not a soul around. I know that I got enough going on upstairs that I'm not bored.
Would you want someone to be with you for no other reason but they were afraid to be alone??
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 118
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/4/2016 10:41:20 PM

It's not a scoring system, it's yes or no. My standards are...
I need to enjoy a long day or days with them happily without any needless drama,
I need to be sorry to see them go,
I need to be excited to share my news with them,
need to trust them, etc.
Those standards don't change.

Not to rip on your post too much, but isn't "Sorry to see them go" pretty much the definition of 'Needless Drama'?
Being excited to share your news is Creating drama, isn't it?

Standards DO change, and they change as the wind blows. People don't like to believe it, because the perspective is always coming from behind their own eyes - but what people forget, is where they are standing each time they look - and it's never the exact same spot twice.

Condescension is easily recognized as an incredibly annoying trait - but if you are both in a playful attitude, those exact same condescending words can be seen as 'teasing' - or even 'foreplay' - because the power of those words to hurt is generated as much by your own attitude as it is by the words themselves. We 'kid' each other all the time in a relationship - but context is everything. If we don't recognize the fear, anger or attitude of the other partner, we may not even find out how damaging those remarks can be until it is too late. It's our duty and responsibility to our partner to let it be known what perspective we are carrying around at any given time - because there is nothing 'standard' about it.
 loveisatemple
Joined: 3/28/2014
Msg: 119
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/4/2016 10:59:57 PM
"Not to rip on your post too much, but isn't "Sorry to see them go" pretty much the definition of 'Needless Drama'?"

That was my post and if you don't get it, fine.
Sorry to see them go simply means you don't feel relief at getting away, which I felt with some, simply means you enjoy being with them and don't need recovery after it. Drama is when people are bored with serenity. Needless drama is when you go out to eat, and they are **** about nothing much, you cannot just relax and have a decent night.

"Being excited to share your news is Creating drama, isn't it?"

That means you have a lot to say and share with each other and have engagement vs trying to talk to somebody and they really don't much care about what is going on with you. Apparently, we just view things differently.

"Standards DO change, and they change as the wind blows. People don't like to believe it, because the perspective is always coming from behind their own eyes - but what people forget, is where they are standing each time they look - and it's never the exact same spot twice."

My standards have not radically changed as they are very simple standards of respect and companionship, affection growing with trust and longevity.

"Condescension is easily recognized as an incredibly annoying trait - but if you are both in a playful attitude, those exact same condescending words can be seen as 'teasing' - or even 'foreplay' - because the power of those words to hurt is generated as much by your own attitude as it is by the words themselves. "

No, teasing is one thing, feeling you are superior is another, criticizing yet resenting that back is a little game.

"We 'kid' each other all the time in a relationship - but context is everything. If we don't recognize the fear, anger or attitude of the other partner, we may not even find out how damaging those remarks can be until it is too late. It's our duty and responsibility to our partner to let it be known what perspective we are carrying around at any given time - because there is nothing 'standard' about it."

Oh, they know and I let them know. It seemed to create problems to be honest. Some people dish it but cannot get it back.
 no_kids_please
Joined: 3/4/2016
Msg: 120
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/5/2016 10:39:09 AM

no_kids so why wont you date a woman with kids? right there you might set your self up to be alone.


I don't want kids. They seem to insist on sucking the joy out of life at least 50% of the time, they tax and often wreck relationships and marriages, and limit the hell out of any flexibility in your schedule. I don't get the appeal. Why is that such a complicated question for some people? It's called being childfree. I'm not interested in the breeder lifestyle, and it's my gift to not overpopulating the world. Also, even if I did want kids, why would I want to raise someone else's when I'm not bringing any of my own to the table?Single parents should date fellow single parents, IMHO.



No I'm not afraid to wake up alone in bed. I might be in the minority but I enjoy my own company. Been backpacking for days at the time with not a soul around. I know that I got enough going on upstairs that I'm not bored.


Cool story, bro... but yeah, you're in the minority. Nothing wrong with that, but most people seek company of others for love, sex, and companionship.



Would you want someone to be with you for no other reason but they were afraid to be alone??.


False dichotomy, dude, and attack ad homonym. I never said I was "afraid" of being alone. I was speaking to the to possible outcomes of being picky. Your anecdote makes the idea of being picky a binary scenario, which like most everything in life is a spectrum. That was the point of my counterpoint.
 LAgoodguy
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 121
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/6/2016 7:37:24 AM
no_kids I misunderstood you I thought you meant that for your self, my apologies.
As to kids I'm with you man. I will not date a woman with kids no matter what. Been there done that and learned my lesson well.

It does take someone with a different mentality to go off on there own out in the back country. I know of some people who tried it and they couldn't handle it for more then one day.
But it don't mean people who do that don't like being around others. I do enjoy the company of others and the company of women. But I will not jump thru hoops for one.
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 122
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/11/2016 8:55:48 PM

As to kids I'm with you man. I will not date a woman with kids no matter what. Been there done that and learned my lesson well.


The hottest women I've dated had children. To the point that I would rather date a woman with children. So now I am in an awesome relationship and two kids. Wouldn't change it for the world.
 no_kids_please
Joined: 3/4/2016
Msg: 123
being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/12/2016 2:14:08 AM
^
Cool story, bro.
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 124
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/12/2016 2:30:02 AM

Cool story, bro.

Haha. +1
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 125
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being picky vs Lowering your standards
Posted: 4/12/2016 7:48:08 AM

Cool story, bro.


Haha. +1


Ditto.
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