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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Divorced, but not really?      Home login  
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 ShowboatSupreme
Joined: 11/10/2015
Msg: 26
Divorced, but not really?Page 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
If you're maintaining a separate residence and being honest about your situation, I don't think your breaching any universal code of dating ethics.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 27
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/18/2015 4:45:04 PM

No body, on God's green earth, could have talked me into staying legally married when I was ready to leave.


Agree. What about bills, credit cards, etc.? how do you convince debt collectors that you’re legally married, but “not really” married.


My lawyers did not want to go to court, and after 7 hours of constant mediation, I was stuck with this as part of the agreement.

Since she is disabled, she and her attorney would not remove the health care clause. Had I gone to court, the risks would have been permanent alimony, etc., whereas with the settlement, I pay alimony for only three years.....


So it’s not just the health insurance, it’s alimony as well.

OP you are legally married and your disabled wife is dependent on you. Women are not stupid and will see this clearly despite your attempts at subterfuge.

I would imagine there are some women who wouldn’t be too keen on dating a guy who divorces his disabled wife as cheaply as he possibly can. Me, for one. What happens to her after you quit supporting her after three years are up? What a truly sad situation.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 28
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/18/2015 5:29:13 PM

You promised for better or worse, now your wife is ill, and you want a free pass out.


The OP is not getting a free pass or expected to, as he stated in Msg 9, he had two options available to him:
"she and her attorney would not remove the health care clause. Had I gone to court, the risks would have been permanent alimony, etc., whereas with the settlement, I pay alimony for only three years....."

As for the promise for better or worse, isn't that conditional on the basis that the marriage remains intact? I don't know anyone who had marriage vows where they promised to look after each for better or worse, even if they ended up divorcing. Some people remain on good terms with an ex post-divorce/separation, and would help each other out in time of need, and others have no desire to even breath the same air as their ex once they split up. We don't know the situation with the OP and what actually caused them to want to divorce, and who filed for divorce. He is in a quasi-divorce situation right now-divorce in the twilight zone. I could imagine how messy it would have gotten if they had kids together.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/1/2015
Msg: 29
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Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/18/2015 6:15:40 PM

OP you are legally married and your disabled wife is dependent on you. Women are not stupid and will see this clearly despite your attempts at subterfuge.

I would imagine there are some women who wouldn’t be too keen on dating a guy who divorces his disabled wife as cheaply as he possibly can. Me, for one. What happens to her after you quit supporting her after three years are up? What a truly sad situation.
As is often the case in the forums, the OP has given us enough information to allow us to provide an opinion on his SPECIFIC question.

He has not provided ALL of the information about his situation that would allow us to provide somewhat informed opinions as to whether he had done the "right" moral thing by his wife. The rest of the story could be that his wife emptied their bank accounts on the pokies and had a 10 year affair with their gardener. We don't know and it's not relevant to his question about how he presents his divorced status on his dating profile.

OP, I think you are handling the situation in a perfectly acceptable way. But then I'm not one of those women who think separated men are the scourge of the earth and to be avoided at all costs - it all depends on the exact circumstances of the person.
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 30
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/18/2015 7:07:40 PM
You are married.
You do not get your divorce until 2018.
I would probably not date you once I knew you were not actually divorced.

I understand that a great many women do not date men that have 'separated' on their profiles so I would suggest saying'divorced' (as you are doing) but have a paragraph in your profile explaining briefly the circumstances. Maybe something like: "Due to various circumstances, my divorce will be finalized on July 23, 2018. However, my soon-to-be ex-wife and I have been living in separate residences since the early stone age."
 PassionateSunnyGal
Joined: 7/23/2015
Msg: 31
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/18/2015 7:41:39 PM
Life is about choices, they define us...for some it is easy to be keyboard jockeys and pass judgement on situations they are basically clueless about....I have found those who do that are often judging so harshly due to deficiencies in themselves...they have their own agendas and want to point the finger at others to feel better about their own situations...don't buy into it.

I think the best advice is to put divorced and then have an explanation that all the paperwork has been filed but due to health insurance reasons you are still covering your wife until she qualifies for medicare (but with her being disabled she would qualify now so your attorney did you no favor on this one).
 DietFree
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 32
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Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/18/2015 8:38:41 PM

As a healthcare professional this is my take on this. You promised for better or worse, now your wife is ill, and you want a free pass out.

I don't see anything from the Op that mentions the "ex" being ill.
I heard that healthcare can be expensive in the States, so the "ex" got the free pass (for 3 years).
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 33
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Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/18/2015 8:47:54 PM
I've been separated since 1979, in Oct. of that year to be exact, and have only had one contact from him, a phone call trying to get me to file the taxes and send him all the money. LOL Yeah, at my worst I've never been that dumb, plus I had worked that year, mostly he hadn't. Anyway, he may have divorced me, I don't know, since there's no contact, but I've never divorced him. Too much money, too big a deal to prove I do not know where he is, whatever, I've never divorced him. I don't see the point unless I won the lottery ( in which case, oops, too late) or I want to get married again.

Yes that limits me, some people won't date anyone separated, but it does not mean I'm waiting for his return, he may be dead, maybe I'm single after all, it doesn't mean I'm married (said in that snotty way by some as though I'm cheating or out to trick them), it just means I can't get married again unless I either get a divorce or find out if he's dead. If someone does not want to date me, for whatever reason, works for me, I have no problem being passed by if someone is not interested. It's just not something high on my list of what is important in my life.
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 34
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Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/18/2015 9:40:28 PM

(but with her being disabled she would qualify now so your attorney did you no favor on this one).


Hard to say under the known circumstances. SSDI recipients don't qualify for Medicare coverage until two years following the SSDI eligibility date. Factor in Part B premiums, and the cost of maintaining Medigap insurance, including part D, and the the cost of maintaining the wife on a private policy may not have been significantly higher. Who knows.
 crabdipper
Joined: 11/7/2015
Msg: 35
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/18/2015 10:15:55 PM

I don't see anything from the Op that mentions the "ex" being ill.

His ex is disabled.

This is all about money. They made a financial agreement out of court that could have been much worse, financially, if they had gone to court. She gets 3 years alimony, 3 years health insurance and a legal divorce in 3 years. The risk of going to court could have been a decision to pay alimony for the rest of her life.

I would continue to proceed as you have been. Being honest about the situation.

As far as what to put as, "marital status," I'm not sure. Probably, "divorced."
 castlehillsmile
Joined: 11/4/2015
Msg: 36
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/18/2015 10:42:13 PM
I met a man once who had left his girlfriend.
He was living in her house when she was diagnosed with dementia.
I found this strange. Apparently he had been living with her for years and the family threw him out?
And would not let him see her.
All too odd for me.
No second date.

Now with your situation, I would really want to get to know the circumstances before much dating.
If you walked out on your wife when she became disabled that kinda goes against the 'in sickness and health, for better for worse'.
Has a potential sour taste.

Be like all the rest and say Single. And when asked say. Separated for x years most paperwork done, there are some formalities that are agreed but need time. I would think it will only become an issue if you want to remarry and by then you should have discussed this in detail.
And that point may not be reached for another 3 years.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 37
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 4:33:03 AM

As a healthcare professional this is my take on this. You promised for better or worse, now your wife is ill, and you want a free pass out. You would in no way be attractive to me


You're not "attracted" to the OP because of the divorce ( "free" pass out, as you say) or the "illness" of the ex????? Or is because of both, together?
If we are gonna walk around and state this kind of "stuff", should we not shut the down to any potential romantic future once we actually give our "heart" to what we believe is are one and only? Cause really, giving up a piece of ourselves is a lot more wearing than attending a man made "ceremony" stating "promises".

Fall in love once, and then shut er down for the rest of your life, correct?
 call_me_tater
Joined: 12/30/2014
Msg: 38
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 7:07:54 AM
Wow, there are a lot of judgmental people here.
I'm guessing they had a bad experience with a separated person.
Creating scenarios in their heads for OP's marriage ending to a disabled person and how wicked he is.
Don't demonize him without the facts.
He is not obligated to provide personal info here beyond his comfort.

Disabled does not necessarily mean ill. crippled, wheelchair bound, unable to care for oneself.
It means a person cannot work gainfully full time in his/her previous occupation or any occupation in order to support himself/herself.
He doesn't say if his wife is receiving SSDI or SSI or is in the process of qualifying (which can take a very long time).

You don't qualify for Medicare until you are disabled for 2 years. Yes, you pay for Medicare--it's not free.
Paying for health insurance privately is astronomically expensive and it's much cheaper for OP to keep his wife on his health insurance at this point.

Who would choose the possibility of lifetime spousal support vs 3 years?
The divorce papers are done and signed; they take effect automatically on a future date.
She cannot change it and I doubt she could pay for a lawyer to try.
He has likely already picked up the bill from her lawyer thus far. Won't happen again.

Who is to say whether OP is even interested in marriage again?
Plenty of divorced, anti marriage people in this forum who are looking for relationships.

I don't see how the OP is obligated to stay in an unhappy marriage just because his wife is disabled.
I'm guessing nobody would have a problem with it if she wasn't.
There are women who would be okay with the situation and those who wouldn't be, just like with anything else about him.
 DietFree
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 39
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Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 7:39:25 AM

Creating scenarios in their heads for OP's marriage ending to a disabled person and how wicked he is.

Either I'm slow or the above statement is true.....I can't find anything of what he posted or in his profile that states that the "ex" is ill or disabled...unless someone can show me where...
 kj521
Joined: 9/20/2015
Msg: 40
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 7:48:47 AM
^^^*^Post #9

MHTraveler.....

"Since she is disabled, she and her attorney would not remove the health care clause. Had I gone to court, the risks would have been permanent alimony, etc., whereas with the settlement, I pay alimony for only three years....."
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 41
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 8:26:08 AM
The OP never mentioned how long the soon-to-be ex has been disabled. She could have been disabled her whole life, or at some point before they got married, or after they got married. And as call_me_tater said. there's no mention of the severity of the disability. I've met people who are on disability who you would never guess as being disabled, and they are functioning just like everybody else. Yet so many immediately jump on the bandwagon of him being so mean because of abandoning a disabled wife, assuming she's bedridden and helpless and became disabled after marriage, and not knowing if she's the one who filed for divorce or if they both agreed to divorce after talking it over. How many people feel as strongly if a couple with kids divorce, leaving the kids to grow up in a one-parent home? People see that as a common occurrence, and don't think twice about it, and have a "Oh well. Sh1t happens" attitude about single parent homes.
 rennips1949
Joined: 3/6/2015
Msg: 42
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 9:37:10 AM
I think there are a couple of points here...
The OP is not free to remarry.
A question-what happens if the disabled spouse passes away or it becomes necessary for her to enter a LTC facility?
Is the OP entitled to inherit any assets? Would he be held liable for her care in a LTC facility?

I agree with the poster who said to get a 2nd legal opinion.
This situation seems like it has some potential for more serious issues than wha to put on a dating site profile.

This much I will say-I have often heard that the "system"(divorce/family court) will make every reasonable effort to keep a disabled ex-spouse OUT of the taxpayers' wallets.
But this situation sounds like the OP is only partially divorced-and in some scenarios could be called on to shoulder marital responsibilities.

Another point brought up is whether this health insurance would be valid, should the insurer find out that the OP and his spouse are only partially divorced.

OP I think you need to get a 2nd and maybe even a 3rd legal opinion, before you start worrying about what to put on a dating site profile.
 rennips1949
Joined: 3/6/2015
Msg: 43
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 9:37:54 AM
Sorry double post
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 44
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Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 10:31:59 AM
^^^^ None of these "potentials" are relevant. The court has issued a decree resolving all financial matters and the order is non-modifiable. Inheritance, LTC, none of these will ever be relevant. The OP is not divorced, he's still married, therefore the health insurer has no valid reason to deny coverage. This is all arm-chair lawyerin' and way more than the opinion sought by the original post. From the info the OP has provided it appears, at least to this poster, that his legal advice was sound. The only issue is "how should the OP hold himself out to the dating public".
 rennips1949
Joined: 3/6/2015
Msg: 45
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 10:49:58 AM

he OP is not divorced, he's still married, therefore the health insurer has no valid reason to deny coverage.

But since the divorce is not final, since the OP is still married, what's to prevent the civil/family legal system from requiring him to meet marital financial obligations should the occasion arise?
And if the OP is still married, then he should so inform "the dating public".

Now, he may do just fine under these circumstances, if he dates women who are not interested in creating anything but a convenient social and/or sexual interaction,activity partners,etc.
But I think that women who are interested in longterm relationships/marriage deserve to know that the OP is not available for such at this time.
Certain posters here keep insisting that "normal", "loving" women DO want longterm relationships, so perhaps the OP should avoid dating normal loving women because he's not legally or ethically free to participate in that.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 46
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 10:59:08 AM
Good grief, people!

OP is simply seeking how to illustrate himself while seeking dates to meet for a cup of coffee or glass of wine.
He certainly was not asking about marriage advice. He said he speaks clearly about his current status to others.

Sheesh.
 rennips1949
Joined: 3/6/2015
Msg: 47
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 11:08:46 AM
I like and respect Chromis and this is his answer as a legal professional...

The OP is not divorced, he's still married,

So that is how the OP should hold himself out to the dating public.
In 3 years, when his divorce is finalized, he can then hold himself out as divorced.
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 48
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Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 11:10:19 AM
Redacted.
 call_me_tater
Joined: 12/30/2014
Msg: 49
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 11:16:31 AM
This:
^^^^ None of these "potentials" are relevant. The court has issued a decree resolving all financial matters and the order is non-modifiable. Inheritance, LTC, none of these will ever be relevant. The OP is not divorced, he's still married, therefore the health insurer has no valid reason to deny coverage. This is all arm-chair lawyerin' and way more than the opinion sought by the original post. From the info the OP has provided it appears, at least to this poster, that his legal advice was sound. The only issue is "how should the OP hold himself out to the dating public".


And this
: Good grief, people!

OP is simply seeking how to illustrate himself while seeking dates to meet for a cup of coffee or glass of wine.
He certainly was not asking about marriage advice. He said he speaks clearly about his current status to others.

Sheesh.


He did not ask for legal advice or marriage counseling. You are not answering his question and instead are judging his situation based on your hypotheticals. Put away the microscopes.
He asked:
Now to my question, open to opinions. I now list my status as "divorced" instead of "separated" on online dating sites. I feel this is OK, because since I've done this and dated a few ladies, I do share the specifics of my "divorce" no later than the second date, and sometimes sooner. Do you think this is OK, or is it deceitful to list myself as divorced?

People will have differing opinions on this and that's okay.

I'm guessing replies to his actual question would be more helpful?
 rennips1949
Joined: 3/6/2015
Msg: 50
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 11:30:42 AM
perhaps the user base can petition site admin for a "partially divorced" option on the status menu?

OP, seriously, I think you would be perfectly fine to put "single", but I think you need to let prospective dates know that you are constrained from marriage for 3 years.

Not saying that you should put this info in your profile, have it printed on a Tshirt or tattooed on your forehead, but I do think someone you are in contact with should be made aware of your situation.
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