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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Divorced, but not really?      Home login  
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 51
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Divorced, but not really?Page 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

OP, seriously, I think you would be perfectly fine to put "single", but I think you need to let prospective dates know that you are constrained from marriage for 3 years.

Valid, on-point answer. :)

Not saying that you should put this info in your profile

I agree. Difficult issue for the OP, no doubt. He's taking the approach of explaining his situation on the second date. Sounds reasonable to me. The first woman he dated didn't care. The second, we may soon learn about. Still, kinda sucks, I think, to be in a position of needing to blow 15 minutes or more of a second date on such a mood-killing subject.

But good work, OP, on getting a second date. Not a game-winner, but at least you're at the plate, swingin' away.
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 52
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 12:15:48 PM

Maybe you didn’t have enough info to form an opinion; I did. You suggested an entirely imaginary scenario, I based my opinion on what the OP posted. I even quoted his comments for others’ convenience. I don’t need my opinion corrected by you or anyone else.

His “question” has been answered, repeatedly. Ultimately he must decide for himself how to disclose his situation. He is legally married and his wife is disabled.
I maintain some women won’t like to involve themselves in that mess and think him cold hearted for deserting his disabled wife.
Joined: 11/15/2015
Msg: 53
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 12:21:45 PM
Maybe the wife left the OP. Maybe she had another lover or two. Maybe she got tired of him. Maybe she filed for divorce. Maybe she deserted him. Maybe he's been putting up with her abuse for 20 years and had enough. There are a million stories in the naked city and none of us knows what went on.
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 54
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 12:37:44 PM
I am legally married, and my spouse is disabled.

We haven't lived together for about 5-6 years. We own our own houses. There are reasons for us to stay legally married for his benefit, and I never intend to remarry, so I see no need to divorce anyway. If I do end up living with someone then I would want a cohabitation agreement whether I was divorced or not.

I put single as it describes me the best way possible. I'm not dating now anyway.

OP go ahead and put single, and explain to anyone you actually hit it off with that you have a divorce agreement which becomes final in 3 years. Simple enough.
Joined: 12/30/2014
Msg: 55
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 12:40:50 PM

I maintain some women won’t like to involve themselves in that mess and think him cold hearted for deserting his disabled wife.
There is no mess.
Everything has been taken care of legally and he has been living apart from his wife for years.

What is cold hearted?
Who said he deserted her?
He never said her disability was the reason for his marriage ending.
He never told us, as that info is not necessary to answer the question.
He also doesn't appear to be attempting to deceive anybody, as you accused.

You are picturing perhaps a woman who is bedridden and needs help to walk to the bathroom?
I am picturing someone like myself--vibrant, alive, and able to do lots of things in life.
Joined: 3/6/2015
Msg: 56
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 1:58:16 PM
Thank you for speaking up and letting the OP know he is not the only person in the whole wide world dealing with this kind of situation.
And thanks to a couple of other posters, also, who have stated that while their marriage is over, there are reasons for not making it a matter of official public record.
There are lots of folks who are legally considered disabled, but they are far from bedridden&helpless.

I don't know if it still applies, but at one time some of the ramifications of long-term care expense caused older couples to have "on paper" divorces, to keep one spouse from being rendered homeless and destitute by the illness of the other.

Can we all sort of agree that the OP is best served to list himself as "single", but that he should explain his situation to dating partners sooner rather than later?
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 57
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Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 1:59:49 PM
The problem is that some view anyone not completely divorced to be up to something, as in trying to trick them. It's not enough to just not date anyone who isn't completely divorced (which is fine, no one is saying it's not fine) but those who have the need to bash and accuse and demand that maybe something done to them in the past, or to a friend/family member, or something they heard of...must be squashed and told off and wear a big red S (for separated) on their forehead. You can't do anything about those who demand all pay for the sins of some, it helps them get thorough the day to insist you are doing something that you may well not be. Note that most people do not act out like that, most just have a preference one way or the other.

We do not know what this man's wife is like, what she wants, why are they getting a divorce or what her disability is. And you don't see a plethora of those coming at him like he's evil and his wife is the heroic victim, only the few who jump to conclusions and lash out. Maybe he is up to something, maybe he is not, we do not know. All he asked was how he should present himself. Personally I think he should use separated even though he is single, he's not single enough to remarry for another 3 years. But that's his choice. If you should meet someone like him and don't like it, just move on, no need for a hissy fit.
Joined: 7/23/2015
Msg: 58
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 2:04:27 PM
I love how people just love to try and throw someone under a bus, there are no details about why the op is getting a divorce and yet most of us here are divorced...wasn't there something about glass houses?

I am on disability and I divorced my second husband, but before we stayed together as married for tax and insurance purposes..he owed me more than he could ever repay for the things he did and it was the only nice thing he could do...and in fact I met a guy --ONE--who took exception to the fact I used single, at this time we had been separated over three years and he was in jail and not getting out for years and I didn't have an extra $500 to divorce him. Everyone else had been very nice about it but this one guy had gone thru a nasty divorce and he thought it was horrible...he went up one side of me and down the other about "honesty" that single isn't divorced etc...and I had single in my profile not divorced...but the funniest part of it all was this guy who claimed "honesty" I caught in three lies...and had the email address of HotTubGuy69, which he said he had had for ten years ...not bad for a Morman who had only been divorced a year....
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 59
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 2:06:41 PM

Msg 1:
I've been separated for more than two years...
I now list my status as "divorced" instead of "separated"....Do you think this is OK, or is it deceitful to list myself as divorced?

It is deceitful if you're actually separated and not divorced. Some women would date a separated guy and some won't. Thems the breaks. Find the ones that will, and explain your situation, because the first thing separated people get asked is about their plans for divorce. There are a lot of women on dating sites who are separated as well. You should have no problem finding separated women on here or any other dating sites.
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 60
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 2:11:09 PM
rennips1949- I found this.................

The second to last paragraph makes for some interesting reading.
My advice to the OP is just as much for him as the women he might date.
There is no judgement from me on moral grounds.
Sometimes I can be optimistic, sometimes pessimistic, but there are times when the REALIST in me comes out and this is one of those times.
I DID answer his question, he's separated and won't be divorced until 3 years goes by.
That is the REALITY of his situation.
He wanted to know what to tell the women he's seeing what to tell them his status is and until the 3 years is over and he is OFFICIALLY divorced, the answer is separated.
(this is not directed at you, rennips, just others who are seeing any answer involving an opinion other than theirs as angry/judging)
Joined: 1/6/2015
Msg: 61
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 4:48:23 PM
I probably need to explain a bit more and try to keep it high level, and to help rule out some speculation:

I left her, not because she is disabled, but because for 8 years she insisted that we support her daughter's family (her daughter and son-in-law are lazy and use illegal drugs; they had three boys). She put our marriage second, after her daughter's family's needs/desires. We went to two different marriage counselors (she picked them), and both said they didn't know of any marriage that could survive what we were experiencing...supporting a dysfunctional family.

She is legally disabled, but not crippled or bed ridden. She has an immune system deficiency that is corrected with monthly infusions of anti-bodies. She regularly goes outside to work in the yard, which she enjoys, drives to the store, etc., and is healthy enough to watch over her 12 year old grandson for 4 days/nights a week.

In the divorce settlement, she received 60% of my retirement assets, will receive all the proceeds from the sale of our home (I paid the mortgage for over 10 years), alimony for three years, and is on my health care plan for three years. My lawyers felt that I would have made out worse in court, because she is legally disabled.
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 62
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 4:58:17 PM
I'm sorry you felt you needed to share information which we have no right to expect from you.

The really shitty thing is that it's not going to make a lick of difference to the one poster who has already decided and has said as much. Don't let anonymous posters on the internet get under your skin. Nobody else here was making judgments about you or your divorce.
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 63
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 5:05:02 PM
MHtraveler- I'm sorry you felt pushed to divulge personal information that is really no one's business.
I tried not to do that, I hope anything I said did not lead you to feel like you had to explain your specific situation.
Until 3 years go by, you are separated, at least you cared enough to ask and not just go ahead and say you are divorced.
Under the circumstances, it sounds like you were more than fair to her.
It takes two to make a marriage work, but sometimes people get enough and when you have done everything you can, there's no apologizing for seeing the hand writing on the wall and moving on with your life.
I DO appreciate your efforts to be honest with the women you will be dating until you are officially divorced.
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 64
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Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 5:18:05 PM

the guy has been separated for two years and living apart. The partner is still on his health plan as she is disabled. It is hardly a free pass out after all. We don't know the circumstances of the relationship and he is being upfront and honest with those he dates. Why would he be in a position of disablement in the future necessarily? He may well be quite able and fit into his eighties.
Joined: 11/15/2015
Msg: 65
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 5:44:00 PM
I feel if you are fully disclosing your marital situation no later than the second date as stated in your original post, I would state "single" or "divorced" on my profile. I find most are not as judgmental or picky as some. If we had full disclosure, how about stating "why" we all got divorced on our profile or how many times we have been divorced. I'd much rather discuss my personal information in person than on a website. I think you are being as open and honest as you need to be until you meet in person. Some will never let you forget you are a married man and probably sinning as we speak.

I feel there was no need for you to feel pressed to discuss your "personal" life on these forums.
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 66
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Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 7:24:41 PM
OP- It wasn't hard to see the why behind your divorce. Setting the record straight with us was none of our affair, but it did tell those whom assumed the worst, that they were out of line with their accusations.

If there are women that won't accept your situation after finding out the reasons, then I'd say you're better off without them.
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 67
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 7:29:20 PM

I am legally married, and my spouse is disabled.

I put single as it describes me the best way possible.

And Mr. Spock rolls over in his grave.
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 68
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Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 7:54:03 PM

I am legally married, and my spouse is disabled.

I put single as it describes me the best way possible.

And Mr. Spock rolls over in his grave.

Hmm, I don't see the logic in that reply.
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 69
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 9:06:13 PM
I am single. I do not have a spouse, I do have one on paper but a piece of paper does not make a marriage.

Separated implies a period of time in transition. That does not apply to me. This is a permanent state. Separated also usually implies a recent happening. Again, that does not apply to me it has been over 5 years.

Possibly at some point in the future circumstances might change and we might go through with a legal divorce (although I doubt that very much as even if there was no need to continue being married, I would also see no need to go through a legal proceeding which fills no purpose in my eyes.) My spouse might die before me. I would not consider myself widowed as I am already single.

The fact that my spouse is disabled is information I gave as it is part of the reason we have not gotten divorced. It isn't germane to my single state. We are not staying married for medical benefits or any other such thing and are not trying to scam the system. For reasons which are only the business of someone I might be involved with, it is in my spouse's best interests to remain married. And because he is someone I was with for many years, and who I respect and care about, and is the father of my children, that is what I am doing.

As I said before, I would not consider remarrying; I just don't feel it is of any importance. So why would I worry about a divorce? Anyone I would be interested in would feel the same way as I do, and of course I disclose that information early on.

But then, again, I am not here for dating. And I really do not care what Mr. Spock thinks.
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 70
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 9:35:35 PM
My hat is off to the classy responses by call_me_tater, coffeetogo127, Chromis1, purplerider1200, HalftimeDad, and several others above. Bravo to your well-reasoned and helpful insights shared with the OP, MHtraveler.
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 71
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/19/2015 10:12:35 PM

I don't know if I am thought to be one of those judgmental people who think you're awful for getting a divorce from someone who is legally disabled. The disabled can be as obnoxious and thoughtless as anyone else and I have no judgmental thoughts on why you are getting divorced. I'm sorry you felt you had to provide that information in a public forum.

My personal conviction is that saying you're single/divorced is a lie. That is a part of why I wouldn't date you and it has to do more with my past than with anything about you. But the end result is once I find out you've lied on your profile, I'm gone. Perhaps other women feel this way as well.

Yours appears to be a complicated situation and I think you need to have an explanation - which you say you do on the first or second date. That's great. However, as they say in opera - it ain't over til the fat lady sings. My response would be 'give me a call when you're actually divorced' because I've seen seemingly simple divorces go wrong, get ugly and tear up all parties involved including the person dating you. Again, this may be the thoughts of other women when finding out that you're legally separated rather than actually divorced.
Joined: 12/14/2014
Msg: 72
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 1:20:21 AM
I am going to repeat myself and add some more because some people lack understanding: this is a legal issue. It doesn't matter how you "feel" about it, what you "think," how you "perceive" it to be. It's simply a legal status.

Either you are married or you are not.
1.Single is for people who have never married.
2.If you were married and now are not, the word is divorced.
3.If your spouse died, you maybe a widowed.
4.If you kill your spouse the word is murderer (even if you got away with it). However there is no place for murderer on the current legal status of POF. () True story!

So, MH, you know you are married and will remain married for at least (allegedly) the next 3 years. After the judge declares you and your spouse "divorced" then you are divorced.

Use the euphemism of "separated" which incidentally implies that you are married: the truth. Or not, whatever, and more power to you!

However, how do you think a relationship will go if you are starting a relationship with lies ?
Joined: 11/1/2012
Msg: 73
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Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 7:09:34 AM

I am single. I do not have a spouse, I do have one on paper but a piece of paper does not make a marriage.

I understand what you're saying...I really do. You're making the best of a bad/unpleasant situation.
But, just because I understand, it doesn't mean that I agree with you. That "piece of paper" is legally binding. Who knows what kind of emotional, financial and legal headaches that can bring when you meet "that certain someone" some time in the future.
Joined: 11/10/2015
Msg: 74
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 7:51:24 AM

I am going to repeat

Please don't. We have enough folks taking the moral high ground.
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 75
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 7:58:52 AM

Posted by ShowboatSupreme:
"Please don't. We have enough folks taking the moral high ground.

ShowboatSupreme, you can say that again, brother!
The OP graciously and transparently illustrated his conundrum and it apparently triggered the Holy Rollers.
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