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Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Divorced, but not really?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 coffeetogo127
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 76
Divorced, but not really?Page 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Diet free- you don't have to agree with me. I can see in some circumstances there could be financial legal and emotional headaches involved due to that piece of paper.

However, I know my own circumstance. And I know that not to be true in my own situation. I am not going to share with you the details, because it isn't anyone else's business. And it's fine with me if you don't agree or believe what I say. You can worry about what time will bring; I am not worried although I thank you for doing so on my behalf.

My point in sharing my situation is not to get approval or agreement. I am just putting out there that there are other's in similar situations as the OP.

BTW I have a number of friends who never did go through with a legal divorce, mostly from sheer inertia and not seeing any need for it. Some of them are living with someone else, and most of those did have cohabitation agreements. None of them seem in any way concerned about still being married. IME most people are not so hung up on this once we get older. We make sure our properties and inheritances are
protected for our children. I don't know many people who want to remarry.
 Cycling99
Joined: 12/14/2014
Msg: 78
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 11:05:17 AM
This is one reason why people FAIL in relationships: they start with lies!

It's a simple situation and some people in the forums want to make drama from it. No drama now.

Legal: married. You don't like it, get divorced.
 call_me_tater
Joined: 12/30/2014
Msg: 79
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 11:48:44 AM
How is it a lie to tell someone you are separated and living apart for x years?

The world is not black and white.
So many gray areas and the happiest, most successful people understand that.

Not everything is meant to be shared on a dating profile.

What is the issue? Just don't date separated people if you don't want to.
A divorce does not guarantee no ex drama just because a legal paper was signed.

Why are you carrying on about this?
 ShowboatSupreme
Joined: 11/10/2015
Msg: 80
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 11:52:15 AM
Are saints celibate?

I'm blessed to not be such a virtuous man...
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 81
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 1:13:02 PM
The folks who come here viewing life as a "toggle switch" rather than a "rheostat" typically have more challenges.
Life throws us all a curve at times. If I met a woman who was in an unusual situation yet had lived apart for YEARS it would not bother me to date her. The reality is not all of us who have been divorced / widowed seek to marry again.
 coffeetogo127
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 82
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 3:06:09 PM
Wow I don't think I have FAILED in any relationships. I was married for 27 years. Didnt really date much before I met my husband.

The 3 guys I have dated for any length of time since, have only been short term. All 3 of them knew after the first date at the latest ( but usually I disclose my situation while chatting prior to meeting). I don't consider there to have been any lies except for the guy who was still sleeping with his ex but didn't tell me a bout it until she messaged me.

as for legal: married- I don't care what your opinion is. I didn't ask for it, and there is no reason for YOU to tell Me WHAT to do with my life.

I have no need to get divorced. I don't have to like or dislike anything you say.

Oh sorry I ready Cycling's profile. I see you like to lecture everyone on how they should live their life, not just me. very thoughtful of you, although I would imagine people tell you to f**k off often. if they don't, they are being exceptionally kind.
 goldenbear60
Joined: 11/15/2015
Msg: 83
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 4:56:46 PM
^^^ Very nicely put Coffeetogo. Not everything is black and white, there is color in my world and other's as well.

I wonder if Cycling wants to tell us why he failed in his marriage seeing he is divorced. Then WE can all judge.
 Cycling99
Joined: 12/14/2014
Msg: 84
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 5:08:03 PM
These people are mental. It's like talking to addicts... having them tell you all the reason theyARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for their actions: with LIES, rationalizations, euphemisms.

The OP is married. Don't wanna be: get DIVORCED!

Otherwise you are simply cheating with someone... and as everyone know, if you cheat with them, you will cheat on them!

That's why many of us don't date cheaters nor liars!
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 85
view profile
History
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 5:15:02 PM

The world is not black and white.
So many gray areas and the happiest, most successful people understand that.


Couldn't have said it any better.

This forum sees plenty of separated folks breeze through but the OP's situation is truly unique and about as gray as the issue can be for those who don't wear blinders.

Edit to add: ^^^^ Whew, Okey-Doke.
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 86
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 5:15:29 PM
So you'd advise the OP to kick a disabled woman off his health insurance, just so he can get laid? That this is the moral high ground?

edit: Sorry, that was directed at Cycling.
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 87
view profile
History
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 5:44:38 PM

So you'd advise the OP to kick a disabled woman off his health insurance, just so he can get laid?


For the right fee. ;)
 ShowboatSupreme
Joined: 11/10/2015
Msg: 88
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 5:52:02 PM
Damn.

Just...damn ..
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 89
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 6:47:51 PM

The world is not black and white.
So many gray areas and the happiest, most successful people understand that.


And human history is full of people who have used the "gray area" excuse to justify and rationalize all manners of less than ideal behavior.


yet most of us here are divorced...wasn't there something about glass houses?


I'm glad I can enjoy my wood and stucco house since I have never been married OR divorced.

To the OP, I would want to know such facts from a woman in that position in the first conversation, period. Including online if that's how contact began. Not 1 date, 2 dates, or 3 dates in, since it would make a difference to me in whether to pursue. I have had "situations" sprung on me that were not in the first conversations, and I would have rather they had been sprung sooner.
 PassionateSunnyGal
Joined: 7/23/2015
Msg: 90
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 9:00:13 PM
@Cycling --just who died and promoted you to be their mouthpiece? This guy has had some woman use him as a source of income for her daughter and the daughter's family, she received over 60% of his retirement...this is nuts imho

He wants a divorce but I swear if I was him I'd get another attorney cause that to me just isn't right, especially with two different therapist telling her she was out of line.

I cant believe you are judging him as a cheater ...you are a bit strange that you would chose the "word value" of what has happened in this man's life over the way his soon to be ex and the system has treated him...where is your moral outrage at that?????
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 91
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 9:10:47 PM
Some cycling enthusiasts in this thread find online dating far more fun and far easier to accomplish than others.
 coffeetogo127
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 92
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 9:19:52 PM
Well, Cycling, one could not call me married- perhaps separated. In actuality the closest term to my situation would be widowed.

Not something I can choose. Of course I could get divorced. That would leave my husband in an untenable situation- his affairs would have to be turned over to the state. Should I trust the state to look after him properly just so I can claim on some dating site that I am divorced? Should I say I am married and live the rest of my life alone just to satisfy small minded people like yourself who cannot conceive of a situation in which complexity exists?

I chose to be responsible and NOT take the easy way out. Don't you DARE talk to me about responsibility. You haven't got the faintest idea what true responsibility looks like.

Why are YOU divorced Cycling? Couldnt you stick it out?
 ShowboatSupreme
Joined: 11/10/2015
Msg: 93
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 9:41:18 PM
Sticking it out can be an issue for some.

ED can kill a relationship if not treated in a timely fashion.
 castlehillsmile
Joined: 11/4/2015
Msg: 94
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/20/2015 11:49:48 PM
Dear Coffee.
First of all I love your YES shirt.
Magnificent.

Today I spend time visiting my mum in her 'memory' (replace memory with dementia specific care) home.
There is a woman there who has moved in to be with her husband.
They have adjoining rooms.
She has all her marbles and is lovely.
He is 'off with the fairies.'
She has given up her life for him.
I am glad you have not done that.
Plus you have not deserted him.

I wish you (and him) much future happiness.
 moonbeamlover
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 95
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/21/2015 12:30:32 AM
yikes... this has stronger opinions than that once upon a time who should pay for coffee thread...


there are going to be people who consider someone separated as still married. There are going to be some people who consider someone separated as all but divorced. And there are going to be some people that consider someone separated as, well... separated.

Asking if it is ok to claim a three years from divorce separation as fully divorced to us? You (obviously) are going to get all kinds of answers depending on people's own experiences, beliefs and own judgment.

Isn't the important thing asking the person you are dating whose opinion actually matters?

There will be some who will consider it a white lie and will understand. But some, who believe that the final divorce decree is the only thing that actually frees someone; will feel utter and complete betrayal of being lied to in a fundamentally horrible way. They wouldn't consider you cheating as much as they would also consider THEMSELVES cheating. Because they would truly feel like they are dating a married man.

So I'd be very careful to not "hide" the truth because it does not matter to you. Find someone who is cool with separated (there are tons of people who are totally fine with it) and explain the circumstances, don't hide it and hope for the best because, in your mind, you're all but..

That can cause some pretty rough blowups when someone DOESN'T believe that way.
 coffeetogo127
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 96
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/21/2015 4:24:55 AM
I think that disclosing ones own personal circumstances is a good thing to do when you are conversing with someone and see future possibilities.

I do NOT think that putting it on one's profile for all and sundry is necessary. I know when I put separated I got even more mail from guys looking for a quick fling, and I certainly do not feel like inviting that into my life. Nor do I feel that the private details of my life , or anyone's life, need to be put on a public profile. Especially when I post my pictures.

And actually, I don't really think one needs to put it out there in order to meet someone for a cup of coffee, particularly when so often that leads nowhere. I do not think that is hiding the truth. This is a compatibility issue. Someone not OK with it would not be compatible to me or to the OP. There are many things one has to sort out to find compatibility, and none of them are guaranteed just because of check boxes on a profile which also do not apply.

Someone not OK with separated might be very much OK with OP's circumstances- as long as he discloses his situation before going on a real date, why should he eliminate the woman who would not date a man 6 months out of a marriage? And if he goes for coffee with a woman and finds out she isnt OK with it, well no harm no foul. I highly doubt someone could look at that as a complete and utter betrayal. Now, if he waited 6 months into a relationship, sure I get that.

Let's not blow this up into some moral outrage. We are talking a cup of coffee with a stranger. No one should have ANY expectations at that point!

Thank you Castle, and all the others who wrote such kind comments. I didn't intend to be so open but was pleasantly surprised with the kindness of many of you.
 Cycling99
Joined: 12/14/2014
Msg: 97
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/21/2015 2:37:36 PM
Once upon a time, two people met, fell in love and married, Through No Fault of Their Own.
After a while they fell out of love, Through No Fault of Their Own.
They decided to end their marriage and get divorced, Through No Fault of Their Own.
But before they get divorced they decide to cheat on each other, Through No Fault of Their Own.
Wanting to find others to cheat with, they lie, Through No Fault of Their Own.
When the other people find they are married, they get upset and end the affair, Through No Fault of Their Own.
Not being satisfied with that affair they continue to lie to find others to cheat with, Through No Fault of Their Own.
They lie, Through No Fault of Their Own.
They cheat, Through No Fault of Their Own.
They maybe addicted to lying and cheating, Through No Fault of Their Own.
The rationalize, Through No Fault of Their Own.
Are never responsible for their actions, Through No Fault of Their Own.
And they continue living, lying, and cheating, Through No Fault of Their Own.
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 98
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/21/2015 2:48:01 PM
Back in Pysch 100 classes they teach this story to determine emotional maturity. It's about a man who steals medicine he can't afford for his sick daughter. Most 8 year olds reach a maturity level where they can articulate that the need of the little girl supersedes the law.

You might want to go back to the kids' table. You're clearly not mature enough to sit at the grownups'.
 goldenbear60
Joined: 11/15/2015
Msg: 99
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/21/2015 3:24:57 PM
^^^ Good line .

Going by Cycling logic, attitude and morals a person should never get a divorce for any reason...they made a vow.

And for clarification Cycling, if you separated you would not date at all until the divorce is final? Even if it took years? And years? Or like some here that may never get a divorce for whatever reason (IMO all valid reasons)? Is this your personal opinion or a "God" reason?

Some live in a prison of their own making and never get to see the colors of the world. They don't have to like the colors, just SEE them.
 coffeetogo127
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 100
Divorced, but not really?
Posted: 11/21/2015 3:39:30 PM
So cycling, are you trying to tell us you cheated before you got divorced?


If your post was directed at me, I don't lie, I don't cheat. And I know how to honour my commitments.
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Divorced, but not really?