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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How can we form a healthy friendship with boundaries in the future?      Home login  
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 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 25
How can we form a healthy friendship with boundaries in the future?Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)

I have told him I want space with a view to possibly reconciling later.


He's giving you all of the space you want. Right? No problem there. I wouldn't use the term "reconcile" when talking about a platonic friendship. I have friends who have moved away and rarely keep in touch anymore, but I'm not making demands on them to keep in constant contact, and I would never tell them that we need to possibly reconcile our friendship. It's common to have people fade in and out of our lives. You painted yourself into a corner, because you told him that you want space to evaluate the friendship. So it's not up to him to make the effort to keep it going, since he doesn't know if you want to keep trying. And why are you so anxious to meet his girlfriend? Maybe she's not anxious to meet you.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 26
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How can we form a healthy friendship with boundaries in the future?
Posted: 12/1/2015 12:02:49 PM
Here we go again.

I still think you have ridiculous expectations for a friendship. This is real life, not junior high school. The frequency with which we communicate with other adults as friends fluctuates over time.

I think giving an adult friend an ultimatum like that is bizarre.

Why do you expect to be introduced to his girlfriend? Are you his mama?
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 27
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How can we form a healthy friendship with boundaries in the future?
Posted: 12/1/2015 1:46:46 PM

Why do you expect to be introduced to his girlfriend? Are you his mama?


Because other close friends want me to meet their other half and vice versa. We are part of each other's lives. I feel specifically hidden away.

I didn't give him an ultimatum. I simply stated the way he behaves in friendships doesn't match up with my own values. Several other friends tell him they are upset with him too, do they ALL have ridiculous expectations?

Remember, everyone has *different* expectations - it doesn't make them wrong. My expectations are to hopefully hear from him a few times a year, occasionally see him in person and have him ask "how are things?" when we talk. If that's too much in your eyes, I wonder what a "friend" means to you?
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 28
How can we form a healthy friendship with boundaries in the future?
Posted: 12/1/2015 1:53:06 PM
maybe, just maybe...you ARE being hidden for a reason. I once introduced a gf to a female coworker I was friends with...and my gf mentioned it was quite clear I had an interest my large-bossomed coworker. But then my gf was also an honest woman who admitted she wasn't that interested in me, so suddenly she had something to be jealous of, since I only saw her twice a week and she spent her week working with her ex she still carried quite a torch for.

its nice to take a walk in another's sneakers :)
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 29
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How can we form a healthy friendship with boundaries in the future?
Posted: 12/1/2015 2:02:07 PM

maybe, just maybe...you ARE being hidden for a reason. I once introduced a gf to a female coworker I was friends with...and my gf mentioned it was quite clear I had an interest my large-bossomed coworker. But then my gf was also an honest woman who admitted she wasn't that interested in me, so suddenly she had something to be jealous of, since I only saw her twice a week and she spent her week working with her ex she still carried quite a torch for.

its nice to take a walk in another's sneakers :)


LOL, well I do have a large bosom, maybe that's the problem?!

Thanks for bringing some much needed humour to the thread gtmustang. :)
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 30
keeping abreast of the problem
Posted: 12/1/2015 2:15:12 PM
always glad, even when its not asked....or expected. or desired :)

I figure being born blessed with a bountiful bosom is a double-edged sword. I've listened to girls claim the attention was a curse, and others knew, ahem, how to work it. but, hey, some find being the smartest kid in class got in the way of making friends, too. I guess its how you wield your blessing. what was it Uncle Ben told Peter Parker, breasts should only be used for good?

I have had friends over time who wouldn't introduce me to others in their life. One person is doing it right now, but I'll take a guess its b/c her friends are her "420 friends" and i'm not a pot smoker. There could be reasons why these things are done, but who knows, maybe your friend thinks you'll set off his gf's jealousy radar. either b/c of his body language with you, or your's with him. or both. or neither, there's something else going on.

what can ya say....people are weird. Sometimes, that's the Occum's Razor explanation.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 31
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keeping abreast of the problem
Posted: 12/1/2015 2:35:20 PM
[quoteI figure being born blessed with a bountiful bosom is a double-edged sword.

Well, I do generally enjoy it. But...the thing I find most annoying about having a large bosom has little to do with men and everything to do with women. I have noticed that no matter what I am wearing, women will stare me down or give me that up and down look that makes me feel like sh*t. Certainly not all women! But when it happens, I feel bad and find it quite rude.

Okay, advice time: I wrote a thoughtful email to the friend. I basically spent a lot of today thinking things over and I think I may have some unresolved feelings for this friend. This doesn't mean I'm in love with him - but I don't know how long it will take me to sort these muddled feelings.

Or...do I just leave it, let time pass and only consider sending it once he contacts me and asks if I'm ready to speak to him yet?
 tangofish
Joined: 6/16/2015
Msg: 32
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How can we form a healthy friendship with boundaries in the future?
Posted: 12/1/2015 4:07:58 PM
Then if he's been in the relationship for 3 years, he values the relationship over your friendship. Honestly, can you blame him? You're asking him to provide you with time and flexibility - (your a friend) you get what time is afforded after the relationship and other pertinent responsibilities.


He's telling you to accept the terms of friendship, for the time and effort he can afford. And if you feel you deserve more than that, because you e been a long time friend? A friend wouldn't make demands like that, a friend would understand (especially male/female friendship) that there will be constraints.

You giving him an ultimatum isn't a decent thing to do, and by your own admittance, you're jealous, and unjustifiably so.

I suggest for your own sanity you let the friendship go in a permanent way, because it's causing you emotional pain, and you'd admit that if you were honest with yourself. You want what you can't have, and your so dedicated to the desire that you put up with the pain. Only the cracks are starting to show now aren't they? Because it's gone from extremely painful, to agonizing, and now is unbearable.

I suggest you look into number 5, as opposed to discrediting the plausibility. The only way to move on, is to move forward, find a more eligible man to desire.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 33
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How can we form a healthy friendship with boundaries in the future?
Posted: 12/1/2015 4:42:51 PM

I suggest for your own sanity you let the friendship go in a permanent way, because it's causing you emotional pain, and you'd admit that if you were honest with yourself. You want what you can't have, and your so dedicated to the desire that you put up with the pain. Only the cracks are starting to show now aren't they? Because it's gone from extremely painful, to agonizing, and now is unbearable.


I think you are right tangofish. I had been avoiding doing this for a really long time: to be honest, I often feel platonically towards him and then other times I feel much more emotional intensity towards him. And I don't think he has a clue.

I will give him a short explanation. I have to, because if I disappear without one he'll be very hurt and will resent me for it.

The problem is that I don't even know if I DO definitely want him. To have a relationship and be with him and all the rest of it - because we've never explored that avenue. He once joked that he "promised" he would always behave himself and be platonic but sometimes I wonder if that was for my benefit or what. But the thing is I've now started seeing this guy, who is great, and unresolved feelings could affect things.

Since the fight we had (first one ever) I've turned into an insomniac and it's affecting my work as well. I am not being authentic to myself, or my heart. If I have to cut it off permanently, so be it. I just hope I don't live to regret it in years to come. :(
 tangofish
Joined: 6/16/2015
Msg: 34
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How can we form a healthy friendship with boundaries in the future?
Posted: 12/1/2015 5:00:25 PM
For what it's worth I can imagine how it must feel to have to come to terms with such an event. I too have had to move forward, begrudgingly of course, and wrought with emotional anguish. I had to come to accept that I was too attached to a girl who made her decision about my place in her life long before I came to accept it. In doing so I sustained that emotional turmoil, simply because I thought I could accept a friend's with benefits ultimatum.

We will do crazy things to convince ourselves that we can hold on to what we love. And we often do that to perilous ends, the comfort is paradox, what we need in place of comfort is courage. I wish you well in your resolution to be courageous, moving on is the right thing to do for us both.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 35
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How can we form a healthy friendship with boundaries in the future?
Posted: 12/1/2015 5:16:06 PM

For what it's worth I can imagine how it must feel to have to come to terms with such an event. I too have had to move forward, begrudgingly of course, and wrought with emotional anguish. I had to come to accept that I was too attached to a girl who made her decision about my place in her life long before I came to accept it. In doing so I sustained that emotional turmoil, simply because I thought I could accept a friend's with benefits ultimatum.

We will do crazy things to convince ourselves that we can hold on to what we love. And we often do that to perilous ends, the comfort is paradox, what we need in place of comfort is courage. I wish you well in your resolution to be courageous, moving on is the right thing to do for us both.


It has been over ten years so it's really not a decision I'm taking lightly. But I've been too'ing and fro'ing about my feelings for so long, with no real resolve and I can't cope anymore. He was also filling a space in my life that could be filled by someone else.

I actually think that he did have strong feelings for me at one point but was too afraid to express them (hints more than anything else). I also feel partly guilt for my role in not trying to find out where it could have lead and feel regretful about it. I made the bed and have to lie in it.

I tried for so long to wait for the anguish to blow over but it hasn't. It's only I've realised it's starting to make me ill. Your words were really kind and are helping me to be brave! Let's hope I can follow through, for my own sake.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 36
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How can we form a healthy friendship with boundaries in the future?
Posted: 12/1/2015 5:43:50 PM
Ten years ago you were only 14, so whatever you two had has ended. He is not the boy you knew, he grew up and whatever emotional needs he had are being fulfilled by someone else. Friendships change, people grow apart and new people come into our lives.
My advice is to concentrate on the people who are in your life every day, and stop fretting about someone that won't even take your phone calls when you are in town.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 37
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How can we form a healthy friendship with boundaries in the future?
Posted: 12/1/2015 11:21:06 PM

Ten years ago you were only 14, so whatever you two had has ended. He is not the boy you knew, he grew up and whatever emotional needs he had are being fulfilled by someone else. Friendships change, people grow apart and new people come into our lives.
My advice is to concentrate on the people who are in your life every day, and stop fretting about someone that won't even take your phone calls when you are in town.


Yes we were 14, but we have grown up together. Grown through those periods for the most part, it's been over the past couple of years that have things have changed. I can look at him and know he's changed but I also see the roots of him are the same (a genuinely kind guy for the most part!).

Bear in mnd though Carolann: I do also fulfil his emotional needs when it suits also - as in, he'll confide in me when he's upset about family matters, about his relationship, etc. To do these things and then, as you say, not pick up in the phone when I'm in town was too much.
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