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 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 233
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(Msg 237)....paying for the woman you are interested in is a nice gesture...


Are we talking about a date or a trip to the Bunny ranch in Nevada?
 Aprilikeswhiteroses
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 234
who pays
Posted: 1/3/2016 5:48:09 PM
Norwegianguy456:

A wonder Question 4 U:

Who Pays?..
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 235
who pays
Posted: 1/3/2016 5:54:08 PM

I didn't get the impression he was USING her for sex. If he was actively avoiding paying for dinners and still demanding action, then sure he'd be using her.


He was only treating her to dinners because he hoped it would lead to her bedroom. It was only AFTER he got laid that he decided he was done pretending to be who she wanted. That’s known as using someone. And also lying and just being a jerk in general.

If you followed the thread it’s all right there to see for yourself.

Oh…. “actively avoiding paying for dinners and still demanding action” is being an azzhole. Hopefully no woman would ever feel compelled to have sex with a man who “demands” it and would tell him to take a hike.


He's using her for sex because they're having sex?


No. He’s using her because he’s pretending to be who she wants until he got what he wanted from her.

It’s like when the nice-guy™ “friend” pretends to be a woman’s friend until he can catch her at a vulnerable moment to take advantage of her.

OP deliberately lied and pretended to be someone he’s not until he got what he wanted, then started b!tching about her on here when he decided he was done playing her.

This is basic stuff.
 Aprilikeswhiteroses
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 236
who pays
Posted: 1/3/2016 6:04:22 PM


(Msg 237)....paying for the woman you are interested in is a nice gesture...


Are we talking about a date or a trip to the Bunny ranch in Nevada?


Huh??
What do you mean by that? Bunny ranch in Nevada? I do not know what that is, I am going to google it..
I am guessing is not something nice but.....
 BlackOnyx48
Joined: 12/6/2015
Msg: 237
who pays
Posted: 1/3/2016 6:06:19 PM
it's a disgusting whore house...perverts go there and blow rent money....
 nightryder111
Joined: 12/18/2015
Msg: 238
who pays
Posted: 1/3/2016 6:09:10 PM
#242. I don't know where you get your "he's using her" "being an azzhole" and all your other comments.

Go read ALL 6 of the OP's comments on this thread. Ther are only 6, you should manage to slog through it all.

He asked about her treating him AFTER restaurant meal 10.
They have cooked for each other.
They have been intimate but the OP did t say it was only after date 10.
Nothing in there about demand growth action.
You make shyt up to suit your own narrow mind.

6 posts - read them. "If you follow the thread it's all right there to see for yourself." Read what the OP says and not what you think he said.
 choppermonkie
Joined: 4/26/2014
Msg: 239
who pays
Posted: 1/3/2016 6:28:40 PM

He was only treating her to dinners because he hoped it would lead to her bedroom. It was only AFTER he got laid that he decided he was done pretending to be who she wanted. That’s known as using someone. And also lying and just being a jerk in general.

If you followed the thread it’s all right there to see for yourself.


I have followed the thread, thank you.

Using her for sex is your assumption, not fact. You're also assuming that she didn't/doesn't want to have sex with him. Maybe she was the one who jumped his bones. We don't know. You don't know. You're only assuming. I don't see how taking someone out many times (and continuing to take them out) is using them. It defies logic. If he was using her, then she wouldn't be getting anything out of it. But she is getting something out of it, whether it's because she genuinely enjoys his company, or that she's a user herself.


OP deliberately lied and pretended to be someone he’s not until he got what he wanted, then started b!tching about her on here when he decided he was done playing her.


Nowhere has this been said. This is all an assumption that you've made. I hardly think his original question was framed in a '****ing' manner. He asked a question. We only have his side of the story, but nowhere did he use the phrase: "check out this crazy chick I met recently"...
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 240
who pays
Posted: 1/3/2016 6:34:27 PM


If a man can't afford a cheap $20 date & a woman can't deal w/ the fact that men like & want sex, neither should be dating, PERIOD.



What is it with sex being a part of an equation about dinner or paying for dinner??


Duhh, might reread there, the paying and the sex are 2 separate things in the sentence and I agree with both parts of it.

Bet the OP never thought it would go 10 pages with no end in sight, it is still simple if he cannot deal with her view on dating then the resentment will keep building and he will dump her sooner or later. ASAP would be the best.

O-Henryx, did you enjoy yourself? I spent $140.00 a few weeks ago (dining is effing expensive here in this tourist town) for dinner with a woman I USED TO date. Since I did most of the eating I paid, she got the movie tickets. Enjoyed the evening thoroughly with no expectation of anything more than a thank you.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 241
view profile
History
who pays
Posted: 1/3/2016 7:00:38 PM

^ Oh, and I suppose she shouldn't be talking on the phone during sex, either? You sound a bit high maintenance, my friend.

Yeah, I am too needy & high-maintenance. When a gal's on the phone saying "Yeah, this chump bought me a (gasp) $20 dinner, so he should be grateful that I'm Letting him have sex with me in this moment. Yeah, service was okay... ... yeah, I like wood polish they have on the railings. It's great. The parking's great too. ... No, wasn't too busy. The waitress seemed new and didn't know the menu by heart, even though she was really sweet...," my high-maintenance self gets irked. Usually followed by me yelling at the phone: "Ma! Get off the phone with my new GF! We're trying to have a romantic moment here!" Sigh. I ask for too much! ;)

paying for the woman you are interested in is a nice gesture

Wait though -- that is false from your POV. You don't see it as a nice gesture, tho. A nice gesture would be him, say, going out of his way to pick her up (when it's kosher to and not a complete stranger), or buying her a flower. Things along those lines. To you, him paying is Expected. Owed to you. As if each one was him pleading to Take you out. Even after 10 dates and having been getting naughty to some degree or all the way, you'd be really upset, wouldn't give him an explanation and ("politely") drop him like a bad habit on-the-spot if he brought up the idea of I'll-get-this-one-you-get-next-one or some other variant. :) That's a very key difference.

A wonder Question 4 U: Who Pays?..

There is no set true Rule. Depends on the circumstances. The only true defining rule if the guy asks to take the gal out on a date, he pays. If a guy wants the best "luck" without being walked all over by a self-sufficient gal, he should treat her to the first several dates in that courting phase. After the first several dates, he can continue to do that, but by this time, he should get a sense of whether she's open to contributing or not. To test those waters, he can either bring up convo about dating, which leads to funny situations and paying to get her POV out there, and to shed light on his POV. Not all women who passively ("well, yeah, I guess") expect guys to pay are going to be so emboldened with fire about "man always pays, period!" Like most reasonable guys, if he's going out with a self-sufficient woman, he'd like her to either Truly Appreciate him paying (which requires it NOT to be expected most of the time), or her contributing to one degree or another. But no, there is no rule that a guy always pays no-matter-what-the-circumstances. No, not at all. :)

Duhh, might reread there, the paying and the sex are 2 separate things in the sentence and I agree with both parts of it.

Good point. I wasn't going after the statement itself, but what it's related to. But yes, I agree with both statements. I wasn't disagreeing with her direction on the sex part, but what spawns from guys liking/desiring sex is the talk about dinner-for-sex-exchange talk. The talk comes out of assumption (rolling eyes), as if sex is a dessert treat for the guy only or something - lol. On the "If a man can't afford a $20 dinner," part -- it's not about him not being able to afford it (and not ALL dinners are going to be $10 each; nor will drinks be merely $10 each for an evening) -- but about the principle of it.

When a gal has the POV that it's Expected, and a wtf-reaction when past the courting phase and in the next phase of datING, that she doesn't have to pay for anything -- then it's not appreciated and taken for granted. Even if I'm going to a coffee shop for the umpteenth time with a gal who has a decent job and all, and she never offers to grab one for me, and is going to wait for me to show up to order one for her? Yikes. It's not about affordability, it's about Entitlement. But we are conditioned to be tolerant of it, and many people like myself are more expressive in forums than IRL with the ladies. :)
 50ThousandAnd1
Joined: 12/28/2015
Msg: 242
I let him pay at Waffle House this weekend LMAO
Posted: 1/3/2016 7:21:42 PM
IMO much of this is how/when you were raised.

I am 56, my s.o. is 63

It would emasculate him if we went out & I kept whipping out my credit card.

I do most of the cooking, we don't eat out THAT much (maybe 2-3x weekly) & it is local & modest EXCEPT for special occasions.

I am glad I am not younger & still dating, from what I read, if a man expected me to be his personal Barbie & yadda yadda yadda & pay on top of all of that, I'd stay home!

I do think a woman who dates just to use men is not very nice either.
 nightryder111
Joined: 12/18/2015
Msg: 243
I let him pay at Waffle House this weekend LMAO
Posted: 1/4/2016 9:23:28 AM

I am glad I am not younger & still dating, from what I read, if a man expected me to be his personal Barbie & yadda yadda yadda & pay on top of all of that, I'd stay home!


No one has said anything remotely close to the above.


It would emasculate him if we went out & I kept whipping out my credit card.


Do you feel like a whore every time he takes out his credit card or opens his wallet? Just wondering.

The OP isn't looking for the moon, he's questioning why his lady can't treat every once in awhile.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 244
view profile
History
I let him pay at Waffle House this weekend LMAO
Posted: 1/4/2016 9:31:26 AM
Not to pick on the lovely lady from Jersey, but as an example...

I am 56, my s.o. is 63
It would emasculate him if we went out & I kept whipping out my credit card.

Nobody is going to know that - without communicating well. Nobody in here is a mind reader.

If one doesn't spell out intentions for paying (or not paying) ahead of time PRIOR to the date, it's done so at your OWN peril. Communication is always, always, always key to having a good/great dating experience. People that wish to remain 'coy' or 'mysterious' are idiots, IMHO. So are those who assume everyone behaves the same as their Ex or previous daters.

If I choose to NOT discuss price ahead of time, then I assume responsibility as my own. If they insist on splitting the tab, that's great - I'm always open to that possibility, too - but I have to be able to cover what situation I agree to get involved in. That means I can ALSO disagree ON a date - I have no qualms about saying 'no' to some ridiculous request like a $100+ bottle of champagne. I have limits, and I know what they are. No first date is EVER worth overdrawing my account balance. Pushing my limits is welcome in all kinds of areas - physical, mental, spiritual - but NOT financial.
 caballerosiempre
Joined: 12/5/2015
Msg: 245
who pays
Posted: 1/4/2016 11:55:52 AM

It would emasculate him if we went out & I kept whipping out my credit card.


would it "emasculate" him if you "whipped it out" one time out of twenty?

or have you never even thought of doing so? and why not? how do you "know" it would 'emasculate' him ?

just a convenient assumption on your part? has he told you so ? " I would feel de-nutted if you pulled out your CC ". ?

if so, strange..
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 246
view profile
History
I let him pay at Waffle House this weekend LMAO
Posted: 1/4/2016 12:14:20 PM
50ThousandAnd1:

I am 56, my s.o. is 63


I am 58 and my s.o is 67


It would emasculate him if we went out & I kept whipping out my credit card.


It would seem unfair and unreasonable to me if I didn't share our mutual expenses. I'm perfectly capable of living within my means and don't expect anyone to subsidize my lifestyle.


50ThousandAnd1:
I do most of the cooking, we don't eat out THAT much (maybe 2-3x weekly) & it is local & modest EXCEPT for special occasions./


I thought you lived with your SO? Wasn't he your former husband that you reconnected with? If you live together, how do you sort out your finances? You pay for groceries and he pays for nights out???
 halcyon_skies
Joined: 7/27/2015
Msg: 247
I let him pay at Waffle House this weekend LMAO
Posted: 1/4/2016 12:49:06 PM

It would emasculate him if we went out & I kept whipping out my credit card.


If a man's sense of masculinity is so shaky that he feels threatened by equality in a relationship, he's not much of a catch, IMO. It demonstrates to me that he's insecure and has control issues.

My man and I take turns paying the tab, and it's always worked well for us.
 buxombad
Joined: 12/20/2015
Msg: 249
I let him pay at Waffle House this weekend LMAO
Posted: 1/4/2016 2:07:48 PM
^^^^ We have the capacity of making even the smallest can of worms into a large can of worms here.
 caballerosiempre
Joined: 12/5/2015
Msg: 250
who pays
Posted: 1/4/2016 2:22:44 PM
So..much ado about nothing, then..we all get in the mood to b1tch & complain sometimes, it seems.
 nightryder111
Joined: 12/18/2015
Msg: 251
I let him pay at Waffle House this weekend LMAO
Posted: 1/4/2016 2:45:56 PM

^^^^ We have the capacity of making even the smallest can of worms into a large can of worms here.


SOME have this capacity and then they add fuel to the fire by making shyt up and making it into something it's not. Funny how that woks.
 BlackOnyx48
Joined: 12/6/2015
Msg: 252
I let him pay at Waffle House this weekend LMAO
Posted: 1/4/2016 3:01:01 PM
^^^^^ Trolls never show their face ^^^^^
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 253
I let him pay at Waffle House this weekend LMAO
Posted: 1/4/2016 3:59:36 PM
Mark....

So, now you've realized there may be a reason she prefers you to pay - it's out of her comfort zone or she's embarrassed (maybe she'll think that the bartender/waiter thinks you can't pay). I'm not saying it's a good reason, but we all have reasons why we do the things we do. It's a start.

Or maybe she read the thread.

Best of continuing luck.
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 254
who pays
Posted: 1/4/2016 4:12:38 PM

We had to wait for a table, so I asked if she wanted a drink. She said yes and sheepishly handed me a twenty. I think she was embarrassed to give the money to the bartender herself, but at least she paid.
I let her know how much I appreciated not only the drink, but also the gesture.

That is so great! Thank you for the update.
Sounds like her reaction to your conversation was more knee-jerk than firmly-held-conviction and she just needed some time to think about it and do a little introspection.
Seems like you got the best possible outcome on this particular issue. Good luck to you (meant in a sincere, non-snarky way).
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 255
I let him pay at Waffle House this weekend LMAO
Posted: 1/4/2016 5:46:57 PM

^^^^ We have the capacity of making even the smallest can of worms into a large can of worms here.


Yes, and not just the capacity.

It's a specialty.
 Aprilikeswhiteroses
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 256
who pays
Posted: 1/4/2016 8:27:30 PM

I like this woman a lot. I respect her and do not consider her a "gold digger.


Lovely OP,
You sound very happy.!
It is heartwarming to read those kind words you wrote about your girlfriend.!!
I find it admirable that you are defending her, since it is not often that men on POF express the positive side of their relationship.

Best of luck to you two.!!
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 257
who pays
Posted: 1/4/2016 8:30:20 PM

If a man can't afford a cheap $20 date & a woman can't deal w/ the fact that men like & want sex, neither should be dating, PERIOD.


It's not about paying $20 on a single date. It's about paying for several dates while a woman never offered to pay anything even once.


YES!!
It doesn't matter WHO asked, on the FIRST DATE the man (YOU) should pay, that is the appropriate thing a MAN should do, choose an affordable date (coffee then a free museum, ice cream while walking around the park, etc.) Be realistic..neither person should suggest a date where you expect to empty out your bank account obviously.. paying for the woman you are interested in is a nice gesture and being a gentleman will not cause you to lose your masculinity. You are making a positive first impression and she will genuinely appreciate you for it.


It's not a nice gesture. This is an expectation. There is a difference between a man wanting to pay vs a man feeling obligated to pay.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 258
who pays
Posted: 1/4/2016 8:33:28 PM
BTW I realized the OP's girlfriend finally did pay for a date. Amen!
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