Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > who pays      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 CynthiaSM
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 26
who paysPage 2 of 58    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)


To be fair, I should point out that she has offered to cook for me. In fact, we've cooked for each other. Again, everything about the relationship has been wonderful except when the restaurant check arrives.

Then let it go.

+1
Or stop going to restaurants until it doesn't bother you anymore.

P.S. she has very selective "old fashioned values" if inviting you out (so she doesn't have to pay at a restaurant) is where she draws the line but she says yes to pre-marital snogging?
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 27
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 4:51:00 PM
I don't like the sound of it OP... And I don't like all this "getting offended" business. I like to begin contributing something starting with like the 2nd or 3rd date, if a man is nice and I like him.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 28
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 5:24:50 PM
^^^That caught my attention too (the getting offended part), as well as the next part of the statement: "said it was too soon for me to start complaining." What the heck does that mean? To me, it has gold digger written all over it. The OP is going to be asking the same question after date #50 or date #100.
 alanj805
Joined: 4/16/2014
Msg: 29
view profile
History
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 5:53:12 PM
Markmywords23, the appropriate time to bring up something that's important to you is: whenever you feel it's appropriate.
If you let someone else tell you it's "too soon" or make you feel bad that you voiced something that was significant for you, then you have more problems than picking up the tab.

The whole "who pays" issue will be hotly contested--with opinions mostly divided by gender--but the only important one is how *you* feel about it. No one else here has to sit there at the table with you when the check comes and deal with the situation, only you.

Personally, as someone who's dated a bunch, I believe it is still the case that women expect the man to pick up the tab for the most part. Some will insist on splitting the bill on the first meet, but after that they will want to be taken care of. It's just how it is. So, I make it clear to women I date right up front--at least by the 3rd date--that I will not be their suitor. There must be a reasonable amount of reciprocity. We'll alternate taking each other out, or something to that effect. I have dumped otherwise good women for that very reason, that despite my clear view on the subject (and their initial agreement with it), over time they reveal themselves as expecting me to pick up the tab the majority of the time. Whether it is a test is irrelevant.

Stand up for who you are and what you feel regardless of how others feel about it.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 30
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 5:56:06 PM
Opinions mostly divided by gender? I don't see that in this thread. Everyone agrees the girl is bad news.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 31
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 6:06:57 PM
markmywords23- The person who does the inviting pays.
HOWEVER, 10 dates in and YOU are always the one asking AND paying?
My gold digger radar is ding, dinging.
She should have offered to go dutch by now, at the very least, by 10 dates most women would have taken a turn and paid for you both.
Maybe you should rethink whether or not you want to continue seeing this woman.
She doesn't sound like a very good person.
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 32
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 6:10:45 PM
It really doesn't matter what anyone here thinks.

You know how this relationship is going to go. If it works for you like that, even with reservations, then carry on. If it doesn't, then it's time to move on.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 33
view profile
History
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 6:33:29 PM
Did she really say 'it was too soon for you to start complaining"...when you tried to have a discussion about $????


I frankly would be more concerned about the way the two of you communicate. Communication is such an important part of a viable relationship.

This is my take on what happened -

You bring something up that is hard to talk about...but important to you. Instead of 'discussing it' she tells you that she is offended and that 'it was too soon for you to start complaining".

Then I assume you let the conversation drop? OP why would you do this? In my opinion, you should have said, I don't understand your position on this, could you explain this too me. If she says that discussing issues is 'complaining' then you have a HUGE problem on your hands.

Relationships are never, ever easy! At the very least the willingness from both parties to understand the other, negotiate and find some balance with competing needs would be a base-line for moving forward.

You either did not make things clear to her or she is making it clear to you that if you open a door she doesn't like you can expect to be shamed. I find this behaviour unacceptable.
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 34
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 6:35:47 PM
Women aren’t animals and don’t need to be “trained.” Gawd.

If OP or any man wants things a certain way, he should SAY SO BEFORE the FIRST date, not wait until the tenth date to decide he doesn’t like it.

Seems to me OP knew his date was “old fashioned” from the beginning and went along with it and pretended he was the same to get what he wanted from her… and now she’s not worth a dinner to him.

THAT is likely what “offended” her.


I usually offer to pay my share. Normally I am told no. Or I just reach for my wallet and again, am told "I got this" One got angry at me "don't you think I can afford to take you out??" He claimed I publically embarrassed him


This has been my experience, as well. My offers to pay on dates have never been accepted.

OP you seem hung up on her not doing what you want her to do so you simply are not compatible. Tell her that her not offering to pay her share or leave a tip at dinner is a deal breaker for you, so she is free to find a man she IS compatible with.

The End.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 35
view profile
History
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 7:05:54 PM
If she's got kids at home she may be unable to split the check or perhaps it is a cultural thing. I have a friend from Brazil and she would never even think of splitting a check on a date. She is very generous on birthdays and Christmas, makes amazing meals but believes going out on dates is the man's responsibility.
She is in parenting mode, you are nearing retirement. Perhaps you are just in different places in life.
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 36
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 7:15:34 PM


If OP or any man wants things a certain way, he should SAY SO BEFORE the FIRST date, not wait until the tenth date to decide he doesn’t like it.


Cannot agree with that, has most certainly not been my experience. Would think it very crass to bring the subject up of who pays on the first date.

At my age there is certainly an old-fashioned element to dating and I happily pay for the first few dates. But after having more than 5 dates with more than 8 women in the last some years every one of them did the inviting and paying at that point. After that there was a fairly equitable sharing of the expenses depening on the relative income levels which would have been discussed also by that point.
In the case of the 2 LTR's I have had in the past some years it slowly reverted to me paying when we went out, since both relationships revolved around her place I got a lot of meals given to me and reciprocated by paying when we went out. Have never had an arguement about money with anyone that I dated, 2 mature people, just never seemed that hard.

As for the OP, I would be resentful too and would have broke it off at the "said it was too soon for me to start complaining". But we never would have gotten that far given her attitude.




Seems to me OP knew his date was “old fashioned” from the beginning and went along with it and pretended he was the same to get what he wanted from her… and now she’s not worth a dinner to him.

THAT is likely what “offended” her.


Don't know the OP even a bit but from the tone of his posting but pretty sure he did not deserve this comment.
 CallaLily004
Joined: 6/27/2015
Msg: 37
view profile
History
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 7:16:41 PM

I brought this up after date ten and she took offense, said it was too soon for me to start complaining.


Seriously, THAT was her response?? Sounds like a very unappreciative/selfish woman to me. You've said that she has made other gestures of cooking dinner for you along with baking cookies. Pfffft as far as the cookies goes, but in regards to the dinner.... was she preparing it for her child as well? If so, she was making it anyway and just made the portion a wee bit more for you, so in my book that doesn't count as being anything special "IF" this was the case.

However, being that I am a fair person and am willing to give her the benefit of doubt, I have to ask you.... do you know what her financial situation is? Although she may be working (this we do not know, as you have not stated in your post), perhaps her salary is very low and she may be living paycheck-to-paycheck every week which means that she has very limited income, along with providing for her child/children, she has no "extra" $$$ to spend for enjoyment?

If the above scenario is not the case, there is no reason (traditional values my a$$) for her not treating you "out to dinner" or "paying the tip" at least "once" during this time if she really likes you and enjoys your company.... Sheeeeesh!!!!

I am still stuck at her response to you. If that is how she really feels, perhaps you should not call her for a few days and when she calls and asks if you will be seeing each other this weekend, tell her..... "Sorry, I have a date with another lady that has asked me out for dinner, but..... can I come over afterwards for some snogging?" If she complains, give her the same excuse back! :))
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 38
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 7:24:57 PM
Lol at above post... Agree.
 crabdipper
Joined: 11/7/2015
Msg: 39
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 7:46:25 PM

How many dates should a man pay for before the woman contributes?

In this case I would say more than ten, obviously.

And when is it appropriate to bring it up?
I brought this up after date ten and she took offense

In this case I would say more than ten, obviously.

My question is, how many dates are you willing to pay for when, obviously, you are not happy ?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 40
view profile
History
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 8:22:06 PM
There's no such thing as a common rule of dating for this. People love to try to find some sense of universal justice about such questions, but all you'll ever find (if you are honest with yourself) is people who like your sense of things, and people who don't.

Even an appeal to traditions is functionally meaningless.

Just my opinion: if it bugs you, and she has a different viewpoint, as you've described, it means you have a significant incompatibility in your outlooks on life. That's as far as it goes.

She has a specific attitude about who pays, and she also has a bunch of other assumptions connected to her attitude. She's expressed that indirectly. If you as the guy fails to pay for meals out every time you ask her, you are a failure as a potential mate.

For me personally, that would be a deal breaker. Not because of the money, but because being insistent about it, means that she doesn't care for me as a human being, only as a place-holder. I'm too egotistical to put up with that.

You have to decide whether her thinking is okay with you or not, and if it is, then shut this thinking about who pays down in your own head, and forget about it. If you do anything else, it is likely to be as an infection in the relationship, which will gradually get worse, until everything falls painfully apart.
 CallaLily004
Joined: 6/27/2015
Msg: 41
view profile
History
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 9:19:13 PM

If OP or any man wants things a certain way, he should SAY SO BEFORE the FIRST date, not wait until the tenth date to decide he doesn’t like it.


Perhaps the OP has never encountered a situation like this before with the other women he has dated and hence why he wouldn't have had to approach this subject BEFORE the FIRST date. IMO. Also, why just put the blame on him or any "Man"? If his date or any "Woman" likes things a certain way, should this not apply to them as well? Fair is Fair eh? .... just sayin. However, I will agree with you that he should have not waited this long to read the writing on the wall per se and should have expressed his feelings much earlier. But then again... if the 10th date was too soon according to her... OMG, the fireworks would have really gone off on him had it been the 4-5 date that he mentioned it. ;-) lol.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/1/2015
Msg: 42
view profile
History
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 9:57:20 PM
Here's how I operate.

Date 1 - if I do the inviting I make it clear that I intend to pay. If he offers, I say "thank you but it was my invitation so I'd like to pay, you can get the drinks if you'd like to". If, prior to the actual date, he insists on paying, I'd say "this type of thing is important to me so I don't think we'll be a match" and the date would not proceed. If, on the actual date, he insists, I'd let him pay. I just don't see it as something to make an issue of and spoil the date.

Date 2 - if he does the inviting, I would offer to pay half. If he accepts, great. If he insists on paying, that's fine, it was his invitation after all. But we would have a conversation after dinner where I would explain that I don't expect him to pay all the time, in fact it's important to me that I contribute at least somewhat equally or regularly. If he isn't happy with that, then we aren't a match.

Date 3 - if he has paid both times previously and still won't let me contribute, that would be the last date. I just can't be with a man who doesn't understand how important it is to me to be treated as an equal.
 Canandaigua_Momma
Joined: 12/16/2015
Msg: 43
view profile
History
who pays
Posted: 12/22/2015 10:47:56 PM
A couple of dates into it, I prefer to cover entertainment and dinner. Contributing helps everyone.
I flat-out tell the guy that I like his company, enjoy our time together, find him attractive, and dig being with him.
By doing that, he sees we are BOTH having a good time. Our guys need to know they're appreciated and liked!!!
 markmywords23
Joined: 10/18/2015
Msg: 44
view profile
History
who pays
Posted: 12/23/2015 1:43:27 AM
Great responses. Thanks.
Yes, she has a good job. Affordability is not an issue.

When we were discussing this, she told me a story about when her daughter (25) took her boyfriend to dinner for his birthday and he was so embarrassed when she picked up the check.
My response to her was that I certainly WOULD NOT be embarrassed if she paid. In fact, I'd want everyone in the place to see. I mean...c'mon. Not only am I out with a gorgeous woman, but she's treating me too. Hell yeah :D

She IS NOT a gold digger. I've gotten to know her well enough that I can say this with confidence. We just have completely different views when it comes to gender roles, probably because I grew up in Pittsburgh and she grew up in a small town in Texas.
 Lasthookbringsme
Joined: 11/8/2015
Msg: 45
who pays
Posted: 12/23/2015 2:32:05 AM
I cook well, and I mean I cook well (I take the time to research multi-ethnic recipes, food history, shop for the perfect ingredients, and other creative ways into making an interesting dish... with practice... which consumes hours of my free time and at my expense which can be quite expensive). Everything where I am is beautiful, my cooking is beautiful, I'm beautiful, and my kindness toward my date is beautiful. These are what I consider equally contributory gifts to somebody taking the time and interest in treating me to an outside dinner -- mutual appreciation.
 Lasthookbringsme
Joined: 11/8/2015
Msg: 46
who pays
Posted: 12/23/2015 3:01:56 AM
...and some of my more enjoyable dates are when the beautiful dates offered to cook for me at home, for a change. What a wonderful gift to give somebody.
 Code3response
Joined: 12/19/2015
Msg: 47
who pays
Posted: 12/23/2015 3:33:07 AM

Perhaps the OP has never encountered a situation like this before with the other women he has dated and hence why he wouldn't have had to approach this subject BEFORE the FIRST date.


Agreed. Who discusses this before they've even gone out?


A couple of dates into it, I prefer to cover entertainment and dinner. Contributing helps everyone.
I flat-out tell the guy that I like his company, enjoy our time together, find him attractive, and dig being with him.
By doing that, he sees we are BOTH having a good time. Our guys need to know they're appreciated and liked!!!


You two.....

It really must be Christmas! Lol :)
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 48
who pays
Posted: 12/23/2015 3:38:51 AM

If OP or any man wants things a certain way, he should SAY SO BEFORE the FIRST date, not wait until the tenth date to decide he doesn’t like it.



Since we can all agree that it's hard to read minds, especially female minds, wouldn't it be prudent for you to state that it should be the woman to hand out the list of the "things" that is required BEFORE THE FIRST DATE?????? It would be a bonus to know beforehand the list of things I am allowed to do the female, especially when it comes to yum yums.
 Sweetness_and_Light
Joined: 11/10/2015
Msg: 49
who pays
Posted: 12/23/2015 4:31:30 AM
@Code3response

You're back!!!!!!!!! Yay!

What a delightful surprise seeing your smiling mug this morning. Hope you have your bp vest at the ready......
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 50
who pays
Posted: 12/23/2015 5:40:07 AM
Hi OP
well unless you have discussed finances you can't be sure if it is a matter of affordability.
Now you have an opened Pandora's box.. when did it start bothering you? 5th date? 8th date? Wasn't there so no idea how you raised it with her - but she said you were complaining so I imagine that's how it sounded.
Perhaps what is more troubling to you is the fact she would never ask you out. That would bug me.
Now a bind.. if you ask her and pay you get more resentful. If you don't ask her out you don't get to see her.
Do you go out to dine when you aren't dating? So a $20 meal is only then 10 extra and you have company you enjoy.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > who pays