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 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 158
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I am different, if the guy does not turn me on, I would insist on paying my share because I would not be seeing him again and don't want to feel any obligation. If a guy wants to pay the whole bill and insists, then I would capitulate with grace. Taking turns in paying is for when you have some kind of a relationship going on.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 159
the one not in the driver seat.
Posted: 12/29/2015 5:41:03 AM

What about a guy who doesn't really turn you on? Does that mean he has to pay the bill because he failed to really turn you on, and that's his punishment for not doing so?

Most women won't be on a date with a guy that doesn't turn them on unless it's an initial meeting where they don't have established interest (or lack of it) yet. I agree with her that in that case you pay for yourself - and in my case it's expected that it be short inexpensive and convenient so no one's wasting time, gas, money before knowing if they are interested.


It really is simple, people. If you care about who pays, then match up with someone who has the same perspective as you, whatever that happens to be. If you don't care about who pays, then you have a lot more options. Do we really need 7 pages to figure that out?

I always thought that men who didn't want to pay should just throw it in their profiles to avoid those women. Seems simple enough. Women who expect men to pick up the check can do the same. Beyond that, yes you find someone who does things the way you do, or hold out until you find someone who does, as it were.

I'm actually more interested in why people get so bent out of shape that other people they'll never date, or even meet have different opinion/preference/rule around paying for first meet, first date, subsequent dates, or even when living together.

I think it makes them question their process, and beliefs - and frankly they don't want to do that. The thought that someone may be out there that disagrees means more are - and changes the landscape of dating prospects for them to some degree. People don't want to deal with anything that complicated.
 CarefreeBeauty
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 160
who pays
Posted: 12/29/2015 9:47:30 AM

Walking down the aisle in the white dress with your children in tow or pregnant, is a kind of a travesty IMO.


What!?! She forgot to sew a giant satin Scarlet Letter to her bodice??

Horrors!
The NERVE of her!
Tramp!

:eyeroll:
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 161
the one not in the driver seat.
Posted: 12/29/2015 10:00:54 AM
Why do some people ladle money onto a wedding, as if money is magic dust that makes things better? I've known some people who weren't frugal with money, who ran up credit cards as if someone, someday, was going to pay it (maybe a trait from being daddy's little girl for 18 years)...and I wasn't surprised to find they blew a fortune on a wedding. or in the case of one former coworker, blew his retirement savings on his daughter's wedding, and when the groom found out years later his baby with her was legally blind, took a hike.

personally, I think an outing that is romantic is a "Date", and otherwise, its an outing. I suppose others disagree, and so perhaps a lady goes out with a fellow she's not hot to fall in bed with b/c, gosh, he just seems so neat in every other way. Or maybe she's one of those people who is, um, kinda lame, and so to have a good time, money just has to be spent. Ever meet someone like that? they can't just go out, they have to go someplace that's cool...even if its expensive. throw money around on drinks and food, and then consume little of it.

some people want to stick the other with the bill b/c they are....immature. used to being catered to. I've met guys who do this as well as women, its not gender specific. alas, in a modern society of helicopter parents and parents who have done well and decided, "my kid's gonna get every toy I couldn't get as a kid", we may find there are more of these people in the dating pool.

Speaking of modern society, personally, I like the tradition of what white stands for, but realistically....there aren't many virgins anymore.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 162
the one not in the driver seat.
Posted: 12/29/2015 10:22:43 AM

Speaking of modern society, personally, I like the tradition of what white stands for, but realistically....there aren't many virgins anymore.


What color should the wedding dress be if the bride is not a virgin? What about a bride who is on marriage #2 or higher? Should the wedding dress be assigned a certain color to indicate this is not her first trip to the rodeo?
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 163
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the one not in the driver seat.
Posted: 12/29/2015 10:55:08 AM

WomanInProgress
I always thought that men who didn't want to pay should just throw it in their profiles to avoid those women. Seems simple enough. Women who expect men to pick up the check can do the same.


I specify the opposite view in my profile, actually: “I pay for dates”

I think I need to modify that, though. Add some words about I don’t mind if you want to pay your own way, but I expect to pay. I am flexible, and I do encounter women who are more comfortable paying their own way, and I really am all right with that. I guess the point is, I can afford it, it doesn’t bother me (either way).

I am much more concerned about the quote that Walts put up from Thoreau:


"" The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it."" – Thoreau

I think that quote speaks for itself. Thanks for reminding me, Walts.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 164
the one not in the driver seat.
Posted: 12/29/2015 2:28:52 PM
"What color should the wedding dress be if the bride is not a virgin/on marriage #2?"

>>>well, classically....any dang color she wants.
http://www.ourweddingday.com/advice/Fashion/2nd-wedding-dress-colors--cuts/1107.aspx

tho nowadays, a bride taking her first trip can wear a different color dress, something she can wear elsewhere, and thus be "practical". Tradition is out the window. Not that I personally think its a bad thing....to each, their own.
 yougotmeakitten
Joined: 8/30/2014
Msg: 165
the one not in the driver seat.
Posted: 12/29/2015 10:39:51 PM
This topic makes feel so lucky that my fiance' insists on paying for everything. For him, it would be an insult to him, his family and the family before... (never insult a Sicilian). :P
 winter_hyacinth
Joined: 11/14/2015
Msg: 166
the one not in the driver seat.
Posted: 12/29/2015 11:52:37 PM
Indeed ^^^

My ex paid for everything. Who paid what was never, ever an issue.
 Coma_White
Joined: 9/15/2013
Msg: 167
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the one not in the driver seat.
Posted: 12/29/2015 11:59:59 PM
I have a female friend that dated guys like that. They paid for her rent, bought her clothes, paid for the food, paid for the dates, pretty much paid for everything. She would dump them on a whim and date someone else when she got bored of them. It's all good if those guys have no issue with that, but that kind of dating isn't for me.
 Canandaigua_Momma
Joined: 12/16/2015
Msg: 168
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who pays
Posted: 12/30/2015 12:15:01 AM
Even if I was with a guy who paid frequently...I would still halt him from that practice.
When we take turns it sends a message that HIS COMPANY IS ENJOYED by me, too.

We both share the cost of entertaining ourselves together.
He absolutely sees I like having him near. It is a total win-win.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 169
the one not in the driver seat.
Posted: 12/30/2015 6:06:44 AM

This topic makes feel so lucky that my fiance' insists on paying for everything. For him, it would be an insult to him, his family and the family before... (never insult a Sicilian). :P



My ex paid for everything. Who paid what was never, ever an issue.


If a man wants to pay for everything, that's his prerogative. ( Although I wouldn't be interested in that type of relationship. ) However that's different than a woman expecting a man to pay for everything.
 Cdan1957
Joined: 9/17/2013
Msg: 170
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the one not in the driver seat.
Posted: 12/30/2015 6:50:51 AM

My ex paid for everything. Who paid what was never, ever an issue.


It was never an issue with you. I would be curious to get his opinion. After all he is an ex isn't he?
 Aprilikeswhiteroses
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 171
who pays
Posted: 12/30/2015 10:31:52 AM

I've taken a woman on ten dates over a period of five weeks brought this up after date ten and she took offense, said it was too soon for me to start complaining....My question: How many dates should a man pay for before the woman contributes? And when is it appropriate to bring it up?


Yes, 5 weeks is too soon to complain, ten dates that makes dinner 2 times a week, so why did you keep inviting her each time if you had expectations of her? Or was she the one that invited you some of those times?

At your age you shouldn't worry about who pays or when to bring that topic up. You should be observing chemistry, lifestyles, and common interests. If those issues make you two compatible then continue with the relationship and if not, then move on to the next!
Life is definitely too short to try to change the other person's values. That is a waste of time because we all know we are who we are and nobody can make us change.



she has offered to cook for me, preparing meals at home is a nice option, but because she is a vegetarian, what to prepare is sometimes an issue.


It sounds like both of you might be too stubborn to compromise. The beginning should be the easy part. You are 57 yrs old with only 5 weeks of dating her and you are already complaining about a lifestyle difference, what makes you think you are going to be happy with this woman or she with you later on in life?
Why are you both wasting your time with each other?
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 172
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who pays
Posted: 12/30/2015 10:34:32 AM

Coma_White
I have a female friend that dated guys like that. They paid for her rent, bought her clothes, paid for the food, paid for the dates, pretty much paid for everything. She would dump them on a whim and date someone else when she got bored of them. It's all good if those guys have no issue with that, but that kind of dating isn't for me.


I’m not quite sure how to break this to you, but if you paid for her rent, that is not “dating”. There is another word for that kind of relationship.


Canandaigu_Momma
Even if I was with a guy who paid frequently...I would still halt him from that practice.
When we take turns it sends a message that HIS COMPANY IS ENJOYED by me, too.

We both share the cost of entertaining ourselves together.
He absolutely sees I like having him near. It is a total win-win.

As I have observed several times here in these forums, there comes a time when you are no longer “dating”. You have a relationship, a partnership if you will. That is when you work out who pays for what, and who does what, and takes care of what.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still have a “date night”, take her out dancing or whatever. But a relationship is NOT based on dates. It starts there, and goes somewhere better.
 yougotmeakitten
Joined: 8/30/2014
Msg: 173
who pays
Posted: 12/30/2015 10:34:38 AM
Canandaigua Momma, let me pick your brain for a minute or two. Two statements you made have me curious.

.I would still halt him from that practice.


When we take turns it sends a message that HIS COMPANY IS ENJOYED by me, too.


First, why do you feel you need to halt the practice if that is how he was raised, on a familial and cultural level? Second why do you feel that plunking down cash sends a message that equates proof his company is enjoyed by you? What makes it an absolute?

For the record I normally would share in the costs. However, this is not the first time this situation has come up and I suspect it is somewhat cultural. The few men that I have dated that have felt this strongly, would take the offer as a way to take their man card away.
 winter_hyacinth
Joined: 11/14/2015
Msg: 174
the one not in the driver seat.
Posted: 12/30/2015 1:12:07 PM

It was never an issue with you. I would be curious to get his opinion. After all he is an ex isn't he?


It was me that ended the relationship.
 CarefreeBeauty
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 175
who pays
Posted: 12/30/2015 2:18:12 PM

said it was too soon for me to start complaining.


I find this statement rather curious and confounding. And hilarious<

How long do you have to be together to start the 'complaining' (and presumably the nagging and all that fun stuff) ;-)
 Canandaigua_Momma
Joined: 12/16/2015
Msg: 176
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who pays
Posted: 12/30/2015 3:45:51 PM
To YouGotMeAKitten:
The reason I would contribute to dating entertainment costs is because I want it to be a SHARED experience.
A man waiting on me hand-and-foot grows to be uncomfortable to me and I'm not a kept woman. Hope that helps.
 nightryder111
Joined: 12/18/2015
Msg: 177
who pays
Posted: 12/30/2015 4:17:05 PM
"Even if I was with a guy who paid frequently...I would still halt him from that practice.
When we take turns it sends a message that HIS COMPANY IS ENJOYED by me, too.

We both share the cost of entertaining ourselves together.
He absolutely sees I like having him near. It is a total win-win."
__________

I'm find the above a very mature and wise way of looking at dating and potentially finding a partner. You are a smart woman.

As to the first poster saying his lady said "it was to soon to start complaining", um, I think once you've had a man inside you it's not "too soon" to treat him to a lunch out, without complaining.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 178
who pays
Posted: 12/30/2015 4:29:08 PM

Why are you both wasting your time with each other?


We'll, from her side, obviously she's getting free meals.
And people gotta eat.

The solution for this situation:

Eat only at restaurants that offer 2 for 1 meal coupons.
Then think of it as paying full price for your meal, and hers is the free one.

If and when SHE starts complaining about that, YOU tell HER that it is too soon for HER to be complaining about that.

Carry on.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 179
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who pays
Posted: 12/30/2015 5:16:23 PM
Ok now wait...I've noticed something mostly slip by whenever there's a thread on this subject...

...whenever someone says that when they don't want a second date or see no interest or chemistry they will pay 'their part' of things...are we establishing that if she does perceive interest and does want a second date, then that means that either he has to pick up the whole tab or she expects him to?? I wonder why that is.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 12/24/2015
Msg: 180
who pays
Posted: 12/30/2015 5:43:15 PM
'Cause... This generation was raised by the generation before it? I remember as a teenager asking my mother to spot me a few dollars to go for lunch with a boy. She was truly appalled - I almost felt ashamed.
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 181
who pays
Posted: 12/30/2015 5:50:46 PM
Damn. And I can't imagine you feeling ashamed of anything today.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 12/24/2015
Msg: 182
who pays
Posted: 12/30/2015 6:07:04 PM
^ Only when I buy a guy lunch and he doesn't even put out. It makes me feel like I've been played :(

* Below: I don't understand the question. I payed him for sex? The only thing I remember is that he was American.
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