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 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 26
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Let him know we are not a good matchPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
You blocked him. It is over. Regrets about what you should have done are futile. I am assuming you never even met the guy? You are a very pretty woman and that is probably why he felt quite stung and was nasty. No one likes to be rejected but a gentleman would have acted with grace and just moved on. Don't take any of his comments to heart. He is a stranger and a rude one who was just lashing out.
 BlackLady1953
Joined: 5/27/2011
Msg: 27
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Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 1/20/2016 6:44:31 PM
I have done the exact same as you, and wished the person the best of luck in their search. Some have been nice....some have been nasty, but I never took it personally.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 28
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Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 1/20/2016 11:00:36 PM
The worst thing you can do is to explain yourself ad nauseum. It puts you on the back foot and I would certainly not waste half an hour explaining why you don't want to see him. He will live, you don't need to feel guilty about a stranger you don't know and why leave yourself open to abuse?
 agwagon2000
Joined: 2/16/2014
Msg: 29
Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 1/24/2016 9:44:51 AM
Wow that's dramatic..gotta be careful on this site guess
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 30
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Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 1/24/2016 11:02:09 AM

I was interested in what he was saying. It was only after the call that I realized how hard I had to work to be heard.

Okay, a guy who you were attracted to, seemed cool and all that -- you had an interesting phone conversation before you'd meet, but After the call you realized you barely got a word in. And then...

Today, I sent him a note to thank him for the talk and told him I felt we were not a good match. I did not say why. I wished him luck.

Ouch! :) Yeah, he had a reason to be Ticked, as you didn't say why. It's a WTF moment to someone. Things seemed great, was an interesting conversation -- what did I do wrong? Did her husband find out about the call? She just looking for male attention? What gives? It's the problem of Not saying why.

It is wrong to let someone know and be up front, or is that just asking for it?

But you weren't upfront about the main purpose of it all, that's the key to understanding. Sure, he overreacted in his response, so you probably didn't miss out on a match made in heaven, but to be fair, at the same time, he had nothing to lose by wigging out in frustration -- except to give you peace of mind that you didn't miss out on someone great.

But why weren't you upfront in saying Why? I know for me, I'd have to second-guess myself. If I'm attracted to a gal, we have an interesting conversation on an initial phone call, but afterwards I feel something was missing -- I could hardly get a word in... would that Truly be enough to write her off and never meet her? After all, many people who talk a lot are either going to talk a lot less or a lot more on an initial phone call. I would have to have been not fully interested from the get-go for that to call it off. It by itself isn't a totally valid reason. If I were interested, it would maybe dampen it a bit, but if I were truly interested from the get-go, I'd still give it a chance and meet with her. After all, it was an interesting convo, I was attracted to her (profile), definitely seemed meetable -- a quaint little coffee date that was on the docket, IMO, should be carried out. She didn't sound like a man, she didn't have a crazy-evil laugh that went on non-stop. If she's blabbering too much, I could tell her in person what's up so she'll shift gears and not talk so much.

If you lost interest due to it, which would be too hasty, I wouldn't throw one-liners like "good luck in your search" (ouch) and all that. Just be real (which means telling them Why), and be apologetic/sympathetic. Your situation did call for doing/saying something about it. If all this happened In Person on a date, you could then just play the 'busy' card for them to get the hint-hint, and if they still hit ya up, you can just say that you weren't feeling it. Nix the whole "good luck" or any other robotic lines. :)
 actualizing
Joined: 8/16/2015
Msg: 31
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Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 1/30/2016 12:15:10 PM
Thanks, Norwegian Guy,

If I understand you corrected, I should have said that I think we are not a good match because my need to be heard was not met.

I don't know it that would have stopped him from going all ballistic on me, but I understand that I need to be clearer.

Even as a theatre and food critic, it took me a day or so before I could respond to the experience.

I am always careful not to make it about what others do wrong, but to take responsibility for my part in the situation.
 BlackOnyx48
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 32
Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/1/2016 7:28:40 PM
There are a number of reasons why he may have been so chatty...trust me, it doesn't last...soon it would be down to grunts and nods.
If that was the only problem...then yeah, you're the one with a social deficit.
You wasn't patient, nor did you try and correct what you found to be an issue, how would he know if you sit there like a china doll saying nothing.
Stop calling this verbal abuse...you were no victim, you were on a ego trip...you disposed of that guy because you could and he objected to being treated that way...it's just good he cussed you out, save somebody else the time.
 CecillyAnn
Joined: 2/2/2016
Msg: 33
Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/7/2016 3:58:17 PM
I've had my share of conversations with self-absorbed people who couldn't have cared less about a two-way conversation. Sometimes I confronted the person and sometimes I chose not to, but in either case the person's nature didn't change and I did not pursue further contact. You had every right to tell the man goodbye after the initial phone call, either with an explanation or without. His reaction only confirms that it's not a good match. Good for you!
 JaiNai2
Joined: 5/30/2015
Msg: 34
Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/8/2016 6:44:48 AM
I think you handled it just fine. I would not have responded to his nasty message, but I can understand the urge to do so.
The same thing happened to me once. I remember deciding that I would not even give him the satisfaction of knowing I had read his reply. Later he sent an apology. I ignored that too. And blocked him.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 35
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Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/8/2016 3:44:26 PM

I don't know it that would have stopped him from going all ballistic on me, but I understand that I need to be clearer.

I think the missing key was not the lack of clarity per se -- but you Purposely not saying Why. You had a good, interesting conversation that not until After did you realize what was missing. So obviously this is going to blind-side him! :) This is where people have a legit gripe to want to know why.

You not saying why made him jump to conclusions -- to make assumptions about you that you knew all along you weren't going to meet him, was just wasting his time, just wanted attention, blah blah -- as someone not saying why after a seemingly enjoyed conversation was just BSing from the start, right? :) Well, a good chance, yes -- but in your case, not so much. Same thing with someone talking too much on the phone on an initial call, that didn't turn the other off during it, but after -- and still assuming he wasn't even worth meeting at a coffee shop for 30 minutes after all that invested! You'd think not worth even the 30m coffee meetup would require one to at least feel sour about something while On the phone, not contemplating afterward that they talked too much. That to me is a Bigger Leap in assumption.

Which is why I believe your interest wasn't All there from the get-go, and although that'd be at least some level of turn-off to some degree at least -- it wasn't the only stack of straws on the camel's back, as far as going against True/Full Interest is concerned. :)
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 36
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Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/8/2016 9:15:10 PM

I think the missing key was not the lack of clarity per se -- but you Purposely not saying Why. You had a good, interesting conversation that not until After did you realize what was missing.


Do you even pay attention to what's said? There was nothing "good" nor "interesting" about the OP's sole phone conversation with this man. For review, here's what she originally said:


I hardly got a word in and had to jump in here and there to get my ideas across on matters. I felt that it was awkward.


Naturally, you suggest:

So obviously this is going to blind-side him! :) This is where people have a legit gripe to want to know why.


WTF? This guy monopolizes the phone conversation, which you somehow construe as "good" and "interesting", so he's owed an explanation as to why the OP no longer wishes to converse with him???

Yeah. Right.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 37
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Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/8/2016 9:21:44 PM

Do you even pay attention to what's said? There was nothing "good" nor "interesting" about the OP's sole phone conversation with this man.

Oh, allow me to retort. Did YOU read her 2nd post clarifying it? :) Here:

It was a phonecall before the first meet. I was interested in what he was saying. It was only after the call that I realized how hard I had to work to be heard.

... drops mic ... ;)
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 38
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Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/8/2016 9:41:21 PM
But she clearly felt, during the conversation, that it was awkward. So at best it's a contradiction.

Bottom line: This guy wasn't owed anything.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 39
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Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/8/2016 10:51:24 PM

But she clearly felt, during the conversation, that it was awkward. So at best it's a contradiction.

It wasn't clear she felt it was terribly awkward during it. She was interested in what he was saying, and it was clear in her own words, it was ONLY after the call that she realized that she had to work to be heard. It was probably due to it being interesting that it wasn't an issue she was feeling so much at the time -- she was otherwise enjoying it. Probably After did she Assess things, was her angle something like "Ya know, now that I think about it, I now realize I had to work to be heard. Even though I liked hearing what he had to say and found him interesting, ya know, I don't see that being a compatible thing with me. I'm going to nix the whole meeting-in-person thing."

A compatibility concern to be had? Definitely. Realized after the call. Her interest in hearing what he had to say clouded her realization that she did actually have to work to be heard in it. Her interest in hearing what he had to say probably also Let him ramble on too much, too. IMO, She at least owes a basic explanation -- and not a canned "good luck in your search" response out of the blue with a date setup to be had, with no explanation.

But, IMO, that wasn't the only reason why she backed out at the last minute before what would be a simple coffee date. :)
 browneyesboo
Joined: 8/14/2015
Msg: 40
Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/10/2016 11:48:30 AM
Here's an example where you know within a few short minutes that you're
not compatible.
If you meet someone and they already do something you don't like.
I'm a talker, but I know when to STFU.
If I meet someone who doesn't know when to STFU...we're incompatible.
I don't expect someone's going to change what is no doubt (to this point)
a life long habit.
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 41
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Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/10/2016 12:06:31 PM
^^^ I like talkers. I specifically asked for a talker. But you're right - talkers need to know when to STFU. First meet with a woman 4-5 months ago - very nice person, had no idea when to STFU. Every word felt like another needle stuck in my brain.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 42
Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/10/2016 12:31:04 PM
I never know when to stfu.. so I either babble on or sit there with a blank expression.
Guess it depends what someone is talking about -
if it is aches and pains and former surgeries I think .5 seconds more than enough time.
 HereComesYourSun
Joined: 9/7/2015
Msg: 43
Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/10/2016 10:04:30 PM
This is my take. Very simple.
Originally I would respond with a polite "I'm not interested but I'm sure you'll find someone great soon".

After several nasty replies about how dare I assume to not be interested and now I should fry in hell,
I've taken to understanding that they don't want to hear it.

And if I perchance am left wondering where they went, I know they're busy frying in hell.
 PassionateSunnyGal
Joined: 7/23/2015
Msg: 44
Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/10/2016 10:17:43 PM
Yall realize if someone is a talker--it might just be nerves--they like you and you make them nervous so they talk...once they calm down a bit they wont bend your ear off...either way it's weird the things we pick up on and use to say "NO" ...I think we have become a very negative society and we keep looking for what is wrong versus looking for what is right.

I also think that whole "Im not interested bit is more hurtful than helpful" I try and explain what Im not interested in, for instance one guy was really into racing..Im not...he still thinks we could work things out ..so I asked him some simple questions--if you won the lottery what would you do--first thing he said was buy a race car! I asked if you got an unexpected vacation--what would you want to do--go see a race...he picked up quickly after that we weren't a good match.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 45
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Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/10/2016 11:49:34 PM
browneyesboo

I know many people who have verbal diarrhoea and never listen to others but ramble on. despite being told of their offputting behaviour by family and friends they continue, so it is a compulsion and a self centredness. Waffling on about trivial detail and the doings of others that the listener does not know or has no interest in. You can say "so you said or you have told me that before" but it doesn't stop them.

Again I say no response is a response and after you have had a few nasty replies, you learn to delete and block and don't feel the need to be nice or to explain to these bozos.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 46
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Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/11/2016 6:21:54 PM
You did nothing wrong. You acted much nicer than I did when faced with the same behaviour. I also had a phone conversation with a gentleman before ever meeting. He droned on and on about people I didn't know until I thought I'd lose my mind.
I thought maybe he was nervous and took a second phone call. Same thing, half an hour of him talking nonstop about people (he used their names like I knew them). I finally started interrupting with "Who's John? Who's Ted?" hoping he would get the hint.
He didn't and I never took another phone call from him again.
I also dated a man who went on these hour long monologues and just stared at me if I dared to say a word. Some people just want a body, any body, to listen to them.
You behaved well, he didn't. Don't lose any sleep over it.
 UnKnownNYMale
Joined: 6/24/2014
Msg: 47
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Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/12/2016 1:55:49 PM

i think the initial 'we're not a good match' was where the OP should have ended it. if she chose not to disclose her reason, so be it, but that should have been the end of it. the only way to stay out of negative shit is to just stay out of it. engaging further is a consent, of sorts, to play the game.


Of course.....

I mean really, who would want to let the other person know what they found so off-putting?

That guy doesn't deserve to improve "himself", or, improve his "first impression".

Every woman he talks to should just blow him off with nary a word. That'll teach him.

Perhaps if someone would have told him 20 "first conversations" ago that he was talking way too much, he wouldn't be doing that now. Perhaps that's why he got so pissed....BECAUSE NONE OF THOSE 20 WOMAN EVER TOLD HIM THAT, they just blew him off, and it happens over and over again because he just doesn't know.
 PassionateSunnyGal
Joined: 7/23/2015
Msg: 48
Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/12/2016 9:19:52 PM


Of course.....

I mean really, who would want to let the other person know what they found so off-putting?

That guy doesn't deserve to improve "himself", or, improve his "first impression".

Every woman he talks to should just blow him off with nary a word. That'll teach him.

Perhaps if someone would have told him 20 "first conversations" ago that he was talking way too much, he wouldn't be doing that now. Perhaps that's why he got so pissed....BECAUSE NONE OF THOSE 20 WOMAN EVER TOLD HIM THAT, they just blew him off, and it happens over and over again because he just doesn't know.

Yet if the man conforms to fit the idea of every woman--is he being true to himself--so now he goes out and doesn't talk and then ends up in a relationship where he doesn't talk and he is secretly angry he cant talk..and then resentful etc...

Isn't it better to find someone you are a match with --someone who might appreciate you as you are vs you changing to become what some other woman might want you to be?

What's wrong with just being yourself and if you find someone you work or match with you know it's real vs all this bullshit where you find another person only to find out they were pretending to be someone they aren't to increase their odds of finding someone they would like...that's worse than a dog chasing his tail...he catches it and now doesn't have a clue what to do with it...you find someone and they don't like who you really are!
 crook_catcher
Joined: 1/27/2016
Msg: 49
Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/13/2016 4:54:05 AM

Perhaps if someone would have told him 20 "first conversations" ago that he was talking way too much, he wouldn't be doing that now. Perhaps that's why he got so pissed....BECAUSE NONE OF THOSE 20 WOMAN EVER TOLD HIM THAT, they just blew him off, and it happens over and over again because he just doesn't know.


Women...not woman. So...it was the responsibility of these twenty women to point out his flaw(s)? Why is it necessary to give an explanation as to why someone isn't interested in another. Why force someone into a uncomfortable position by making them divulge the reason why? Is it so you can call them shallow or other names? Argue with them about how wrong they are when they say the reason why? What's going to make you believe they're telling the truth if they do tell you?
 Lasthookbringsme
Joined: 11/8/2015
Msg: 50
Let him know we are not a good match
Posted: 2/13/2016 5:48:24 AM


Perhaps if someone would have told him 20 "first conversations" ago that he was talking way too much,


It's not anybody's job on a first meet to give him guidance. He should be pissed at himself for not seeking professional help with his issue so he can come to that ****ing conclusion on his own,
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