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 AUTHOR
 Lasthookbringsme
Joined: 11/8/2015
Msg: 75
Trying to compromise with a health issue.Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

Dissent?


No.


How do we grow if others don't point out what has been shared in the past, pointing to a less than perfect set of choices.



Timing of questions is key.



And before anyone attacks me for speaking out,



My criticism isn't an attack.


I'm nowhere near perfect and have a past of detours and mistakes of my own. Who doesn't?


If you were in a state of grief and you came here (not saying you actually would) to express that grief, the last thing sensitive people would do is pepper you with a lot of questions and criticism. She just endured a hell of a blow seemingly recently.

The first thing that concerned me was the state of LePew's physical and mental health. Nothing else in her situation seemed to matter (at the time, there just wasn't enough information regarding her situation nor was it the right time and place to extrapolate those unknown bits and pieces).


It just really baffles me that cheating, manipulative men can always count on having the support of some good woman. In his case, two.



I involuntarily met the face of evil and watched a few of _my_ people enable him with relative comfort and protection. It's utterly baffling.



In a perfect world, men like that would have a hard time finding a mate.



The world is a terribly unfair place and many things don't make sense.

Still, one should be able to count on a friendly shoulder on which to cry in their time of grief regardless of how they arrived to a situation similar to LePew's.
 CarefreeBeauty
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 76
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/2/2016 4:40:58 PM

can't seem to let me (or anyone else ) come see him in care. To him it is un manly.
I do not know how to deal with this. My need to be there for him or his need for no one to not be there.


Back to the original general question.

My husband was also one of those 'old world guys'--did not want to go to doctors, did not want to be subjected to chemo ,etc.
He just wanted to live his life and exit it, his own way. Which put me in charge of 'nursing' him. OK
The first thing I learned was to not 'HOVER'<

Hard to do, but necessary.
I had to learn to let him ask me for what he needed, rather than assume I knew what was right/best/good for him.

It is hard enough to be actively dying, but even worse to have someone else have the nerve, the gall, to choreograph it for you.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 77
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/2/2016 5:41:40 PM
sometimes, strength isn't about stopping all bad things from happening, but learning we can come back from them.

let's say the OP did actually ignore a red flag. Are all the people we will meet wave the same red flag? likely not. so, what does it do for us to find what it might be? except maybe to make some of us feel smart that we played detective.
 Olivoil
Joined: 5/3/2015
Msg: 78
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/2/2016 5:48:53 PM
I have to say, I kind of feel like I have been had. This is too messed up to be real.
She "is" leaving him or "was" leaving him?
 coffeetogo127
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 79
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/2/2016 6:40:08 PM
What do you mean, "you've been had"

This isn't about you and I do not believe OP was in any way dishonest in her postings, she was posting about someone else's dishonesty.

You are still going on about this as if you had some stake in it. For God's sake why don't you just apologize for your insensitivity already instead of trying to make the OP out to be to blame so your criticisms aren't seen for what they are.
 marrakech7
Joined: 1/13/2016
Msg: 80
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/2/2016 6:53:36 PM

sometimes, strength isn't about stopping all bad things from happening, but learning we can come back from them.


Exactly.

The OP has taken a hit. Now she needs to go heal her wounds. She doesn't need to answer one more question on here. When she keeps coming back, people ask more questions, she opens herself up for more questions and I understand that. If she's here, she's fair game for the questions. So OP, go away and regroup. Take a break from here. Keep in mind, the people on here are NOT your enemy nor are they your friends. Just made up names on the Internet. I don't think anyone has been insensitive, just asking the obvious. This thread will not go away until the OP goes away because when she posts, more questions are asked. That is how it works here.
 Olivoil
Joined: 5/3/2015
Msg: 81
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/2/2016 8:00:16 PM
On so many levels, this thread resembles a 'pity me' post. Pity me because I was disrespected and deceived by a terminally ill man I supported and took crap from. Who dramatizes their life like that?
I have some doubts that much of it is true.
If it is, it's sad to think someone like OP would believe that kind of compromise and sacrifice was all she deserved, no matter how "high quality" the chosen ring was.
Woman are more than just caregivers and saints, but so many get stuck in those roles. And it never ends well.
You are free to take what you need and leave the rest.
Anyone who doesn't wish to hear my take on this is free to scroll down.
 coffeetogo127
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 82
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/2/2016 8:05:02 PM
And anyone who disagrees with you is also free to comment. That's how it works.

As I recall she came in here asking for advice long before she knew about the deceit. It had nothing to do with pity only asking for some feedback as to how best handle the situation.

God forbid, when finding out there was more,people should be respectful. Sounds like she was disrespected by some very alive people.
 coffeetogo127
Joined: 5/16/2015
Msg: 83
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/2/2016 8:05:11 PM
And anyone who disagrees with you is also free to comment. That's how it works.

As I recall she came in here asking for advice long before she knew about the deceit. It had nothing to do with pity only asking for some feedback as to how best handle the situation.

God forbid, when finding out there was more,people should be respectful. Sounds like she was disrespected by some very alive people.
 Olivoil
Joined: 5/3/2015
Msg: 84
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/3/2016 6:48:21 AM
"As I recall she came in here asking for advice long before she knew about the deceit"


I don't come 'here' often but I remembered LePew's comment several months ago when her guy had accused her of being a gold digger. I was surprised and a bit frustrated to learn that relationship had progressed to an engagement.
Many of us choose to overlook every insult, every warning that things should not proceed.
It's not unique to LePew.

If you had read my post, you might have clued in that I am on OP's side.

There are many kinds of support, perhaps my brand is a little more direct. I know that she is grieving her relationship, and her lost pride, more than the fiancee...and she has no recourse, she can't tell him off or leave him! He's gone!

Sometimes anger is the best therapy to propel you away. Now she is wasting her time feeling sorry for the other woman, and justifying the whys and hows. Another thing women do...defer our own feelings in favor of others. Stoppit!

LePew, I wish you all the best. You will come out of this with very broad shoulders.
 marrakech7
Joined: 1/13/2016
Msg: 85
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/3/2016 8:12:10 AM
Maury Povich, Jerry Springer and Dr. Phil (and a few more) have made a pretty good living by listening to this type of story. What happened here happens all the time. And in all honesty, everyone that has posted on this thread has said in one form or another, in their own head, - thank gawd that didn't happen to me. And in all honesty, everyone that has posted on this thread has said in one form or another, in their own head, - how could she not have seen the signs or any sign. All of us. So don't dump on Olivoil. I think I can also say, everyone on here, everyone, wishes the OP the best.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 86
view profile
History
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/3/2016 11:47:12 AM
marrakech7
And in all honesty, everyone that has posted on this thread has said in one form or another, in their own head, - thank gawd that didn't happen to me. And in all honesty, everyone that has posted on this thread has said in one form or another, in their own head, - how could she not have seen the signs or any sign. All of us.


Where are you getting this from? I posted 4 times on this thread and never said anything like this. Nor do I think this way. How would you know what I think?

My thought is that it must very sad and confusing for LePew. That she must be hurting and that I hope she has friends and family to support and comfort her. That's it. I don't have a need to investigate, reprimand, belittle, be cruel, be harsh or mean spirited. It would never occur to me when someone else is suffering to automatically be relieved it wasn't me. Who thinks this way?


marrakech7
So don't dump on Olivoil. I think I can also say, everyone on here, everyone, wishes the OP the best.


Words are meaningless if they are not backed up by action. How are your responses in the context of her request for sensitivity and compassion demonstrations of wishing the best for her? Shadenfreude?
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 87
view profile
History
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/3/2016 12:02:08 PM

And in all honesty, everyone that has posted on this thread has said in one form or another, in their own head, - thank gawd that didn't happen to me


A bit presumptuous perhaps?
No matter how direct you may be IRL it does not take a lot of effort to simply be supportive and not be a b1tch. Nobody needs to get a slap upside the head when they are grieving, it serve no purpose.
 _babblefish
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 88
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/3/2016 12:32:33 PM

No matter how direct you may be IRL it does not take a lot of effort to simply be supportive and not be a b1tch. Nobody needs to get a slap upside the head when they are grieving, it serve no purpose.


be supportive of what? that this ranks up there like a daily soap opera? at least a soap opera is scripted imagination, right?
grieving? i doubt that, she hardly knew the man, she's embarrassed has wounded pride and is angry with herself, rather than projecting some of the blame onto the SO of the deceased, it's time the OP was honest and looks within, and for those who are going to jump on my post, the following is a quote from the OP posted elsewhere the same day this thread was created


OMG! He had me so taken in! This is my situation due to a sleep disorder where every insecurity manifests itself when I fall asleep and eventually I do. Then the REM values etc do not work out. My brain does not shut off and I send messages like this.


la pew, you knew, silly desperate women are the easiest of prey


And in all honesty, everyone that has posted on this thread has said in one form or another, in their own head, - thank gawd that didn't happen to me


wtf, this is as bad as your claim that 100% of the posters on another thread where at one time xtian..
gotz to luffs the innerwebz
 sillysarainsask
Joined: 1/12/2016
Msg: 89
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/3/2016 5:05:46 PM
It seems a few got dumped on in here for maybe not being Miss Manners, for some, but the lady who started this thread now has a smiling new photo up and seems to be posting in a thread about Gigolos. So maybe my fellow Canadian posters like Olivoul were right. And it is very soap opera-ish.
 yougotmeakitten
Joined: 8/30/2014
Msg: 90
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/4/2016 1:41:17 PM

It seems a few got dumped on in here for maybe not being Miss Manners, for some, but the lady who started this thread now has a smiling new photo up and seems to be posting in a thread about Gigolos. So maybe my fellow Canadian posters like Olivoul were right. And it is very soap opera-ish.


OMG! The SCANDAL!!! WHO IS THIS JEZABELLE? How DARE she post on another thread and smile 2 weeks after her cheating fiance died???? OMG OMG OMG! AND she posted another picture.

Sillysara. Thank you for being my stalker and reporting on my actions. BTW, were you the person who sent me the message about having "Zombie Sex?"

Seriously, I do not understand what all happened. I know the story has more twists then a python with a belly ache.

So many have contacted me in my message box and on email. Thank you all. I think you know I am trying to keep you up to speed and your concern ... well. Yes it goes a long way.
I learn a little more everyday.

Thank you to so many for your thoughts and caring.

Le Pew
 sillysarainsask
Joined: 1/12/2016
Msg: 91
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/4/2016 3:27:34 PM
Sorry, not to add to the soap opera but I'm not a stalker and I'm not sending messages to you about zombie sex.

What I DID support was the few people , Maleman, Oliveoil, Marrakech, babble fish (maybe one or two more) who apparently haven't towed the company line and done the "poor thing, how sad" in a proper fashion and got dumped on by the Miss Manners brigade. I also thought, thank gawd that hasn't happened to me. And I guess I can "think" that but I can't put that in print here.

I DO hope you heal and move on, it will take time. Give yourself the time.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 92
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/4/2016 3:48:15 PM
General observations:

1) my last boss was the type to trot out the "you must have done something wrong" after hearing a tale of woe. He didn't like to think that, "but for the Grace of God go I". He could sleep better thinking he could avoid bad things happening. Alas last time I talked to him a month ago, his wife was talking separation, partly due to one of the two children having autism. I suspect that he might realize--but might not be able to put into words--that stuff happens and we recover from it. We can build our castles and walls, yet the tide of life eventually comes in.

2)admittedly, if a stranger comes to any site with a tale of woe, the regulars there will treat it differently than if one of their own had the same tale. Its human nature to toe up to the company line. But it should be a reminder, everyone deserves to be heard and treated well.

A friend of mine called an hour ago to complain about a "little Napoleon" of a coworker who thinks the best way to remind others of the company line is to talk to them like 5th graders. So, naturally, people focus less on the message and more on the delivery, which ticks them off. Sometimes, to get the message heard, a little sugar should be mixed in with the medicine.

3) sometimes, "I speak my mind", "I am a sarcastic gal" on a profile, "I can't help myself, I speak truth to power", et cetera isn't the most beneficial aspect its promoted to be. Sometimes, the message is accepted as a gift once its been wrapped properly.
 kj521
Joined: 9/20/2015
Msg: 93
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/4/2016 4:44:21 PM
Mr. Gto?

"1) my last boss was the type to trot out the "you must have done something wrong" after hearing a tale of woe."


What you are describing is the fundamental attribution error....more succinctly....the actor - observer bias. We are all prone to explain behavior in this manner unless you become aware of it. We have a tendency to attribute the bad consequences of another's situation to their internal characteristics but should bad consequences happen to...us....well....then there must have been situational factors at play. In its' most rudimentary form.....we like to believe good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people.


As far as the dynamics that occur with regular forumites and new posters.....well....that is a bit more complicated. Cause there are things like having a pattern of behavior over time to compare to....and...simply..... liking.....identifying ....among many other cognitive processes that come into the equation that exists with regulars and does not with newbies. Doesn't make it right or wrong.....it just happens.


And then....there is the simple concept that many of us just don't like to kick a dog when they are down cause we have been that dog at one time or another. :)
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 94
Trying to compromise with a health issue.
Posted: 2/5/2016 5:46:09 AM
yes? you have a question, Ms. KJ?

(sorry, flashback to school :) ).

I guess if the first step to fixing a problem is to admit you have one, the second step is finding its name :) I agree with everything you posted. My former boss had a difficult childhood, so I realize he sought stability in life, and poor fellow, I think his world's going to be turned upside down if his wife is foolish enough to leave (she never had a serious relationship before him, hopefully she has friends like the ladies here to explain the dating game out there. He's actually a good egg, but his knee-jerk reaction to "actor-observer bias" could be annoying).

I didn't mean to imply we all should act like angels. That's a tall order. plenty of times, we act out of emotion. I was merely trying to say, "hey, consider this for a moment". if someone asks, "What the hell did I do wrong?", then I figure telling the truth and the whole truth is warranted. if someone did something a while back that lead to today's result, and today's result is a disaster, perhaps the past is past and we should focus on today's disaster and wait for tomorrow to discuss how we got here from there. Sometimes, having a bedside manner over a desire to be the smartest one in the room helps :)

that's why I like to talk in generalities. if someone thinks what I said fits them, they can engage in a personal discussion over that idea. Maybe my observations are incorrect b/c I don't have access to every little detail. maybe something I said clicks at a later date with someone, when confronted with a situation that does fit.
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