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 GhettoFoot
Joined: 9/4/2016
Msg: 126
stop with the endless messages and ask me out alreadyPage 6 of 8    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
Meh, such is the game with online dating. Get out and date people you already know to cut down on some of that time-wasting nonsense.
 cbones13
Joined: 11/5/2013
Msg: 127
stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/19/2017 1:21:28 AM
You can ask them you know? I'd love it if women asked guys out. It'd make things so much easier on me.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 128
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stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/19/2017 6:24:53 AM

Get out and date people you already know to cut down on some of that time-wasting nonsense.

I tend to agree. Even going out with non-romantic friends to social gatherings is better than trying to hold ourselves up to the unreasonable standards people create in here.

1. Can't approach with basic 'Hi' or 'Hello' messages, even though that's how we greet each other 99% of the time in real life.
2. Can't have a date in mind that's too 'dull' or 'boring', even though first meets rarely ever occur in a hot air balloon or box seat for a show somewhere.
3. Can't go in without a firm, decisive plan - which means reservations have ALREADY been made, tickets have ALREADY been purchased - even before approval or consent - because their 'time' is so incredibly freakin' valuable that any type of 'tentative' planning for a specific day or weekend (or event that may be sold out) is totally unacceptable.

There's too many people out there that hold their own value to the matching value of what people are willing to do to get to know them. It's insane. You get out of a relationship what you are willing to put into it. Fragmented text messages, vague generalities about themselves and their personalities, and a list of above-average demands are all we get to see online. That's not good enough for a lot of people to merit the monkey business demanded to get a first date. People willing to meet the PERSON and get to know them are OK with doing it under all kinds of circumstances, not just a precious few categories that make you feel better about yourself. Sure, safety always needs to be a concern - but a library is totally free, safe and easy to get to - how many people honestly think THAT is good enough to meet the first time?

Honestly, if a person has had several failed dates/relationships, it seems like they 'bank' that anger and guilt towards the next relationship - wanting more, demanding more - and that's not how people work. Carrying over that disrespect to the next person is why people ruin it for themselves, and can't figure out why it keeps happening. Each new date is a totally new experience, and you need to clear your head of the past baggage to truly accept that. People don't - or won't.
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 129
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stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/19/2017 11:09:06 AM
^^^
3. Can't go in without a firm, decisive plan - which means reservations have ALREADY been made, tickets have ALREADY been purchased - even before approval or consent - because their 'time' is so incredibly freakin' valuable that any type of 'tentative' planning for a specific day or weekend (or event that may be sold out) is totally unacceptable.

This is oddly specific. How often has this actually happened to you?
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 130
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stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/19/2017 1:53:47 PM

Honestly. If this man was sincere, he would have asked her out already.

Well, it's a Two-Way street though. One can try and play the "tradition" card of boy-meets-girl, but for those who get warm-fuzzies over the concept, it doesn't really hold much water online, as it's certainly not a "traditional" avenue. Beyond the guy making the first message -- it's an equal two-way street, as far as expectations are concerned. Much the same way when a gal wants to talk on the phone, she brings up the concept of going out sometime when both are free, too. No gender-roles should ever be used as an excuse. So when any guy or gal is like "Uggh, this is endless messaging," well, if you never brought up the concept to meet to them either, you're a contributer to it.

1. Can't approach with basic 'Hi' or 'Hello' messages, even though that's how we greet each other 99% of the time in real life.

Yeah. It is funny how some gals will get SO "Ugh!" by small his or hellos, which is basically "pinging" them to see if they're up for engaging/mingling. IRL that's fine, but online? Entertain me, man-boy! Dance for me! ;)

2. Can't have a date in mind that's too 'dull' or 'boring', even though first meets rarely ever occur in a hot air balloon or box seat for a show somewhere.

Yeah, one should have standard-ops set up. In college, back when online dating was brand new, I'd take them to the same Applebees... then after, to go get ice cream in this monster video store with a coffee shop & ice cream shop on the top floor. We'd do that, then I'd point to the back wall and say "Oh! I love that movie. I haven't (lie) seen it in forver!" and suggest we rent it, which we do, and go back to my place only a block away. Usually don't make it very far into the movie. :)

Point is, I think one can set something up, in different variations. No reservations or specific date/times required. But yeah, nothing extravagant... but I think most gals aren't looking to be "wow'd" by the circumstances -- just a coffee shop / bar / restaurant sort of thing.
 MadameBoisseau
Joined: 12/16/2016
Msg: 131
stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/19/2017 5:26:13 PM
I have the exact opposite problem, im tired of people trying to pressure me into meeting before i ruled out whether they are worth pursuing.

Perhaps you need to put in your profile you only want to deal with people who want to get together immediately and not spend weeks writing. Just like i wrote in my profile im the one who wants to do the reaching out.
 LucilleDixon
Joined: 12/18/2016
Msg: 132
stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/19/2017 6:01:45 PM

GhettoFoot:

Meh, such is the game with online dating. Get out and date people you already know to cut down on some of that time-wasting nonsense.


Lol, that's the reason that I made an account on this site. My social life is pretty dead. I don't know anybody in this town that I would like to date. That probably sounds false as crap but my daily schedule is literally school work. I could get out and meet people but that's a lot of when you don't know anybody. Sad part is I've been here for 6 years. This place is so wack.
 LucilleDixon
Joined: 12/18/2016
Msg: 133
stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/19/2017 6:06:31 PM
That's a lot of work, I mean, lol.
Obviously I'm lazy.
 Perspektiv
Joined: 2/11/2017
Msg: 134
stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/20/2017 11:33:56 AM

I'm here to DATE.


Why give them light for that long? You're essentially, giving them the stage to endlessly email you. Don't reply.

You've been dating long enough, so likely know how quickly you want a guy to ask you out on a date. If they don't make a move by or slightly beyond that point, move on. No need to reply, as they're wasting your time.

The longer they stretch out the meeting, you also need to figure what they're hiding.

One of the laws of the happiness, is the capacity of accepting what you can't change. Happy people, focus on what they can.

You can't change the idiots that message, but you can pay them no mind, and little to those who waste your time.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 135
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stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/20/2017 2:24:12 PM

I have the exact opposite problem, im tired of people trying to pressure me into meeting before i ruled out whether they are worth pursuing.

Well wait, though. This isn't a guy at work you chit-chat in the break room with... it's a dating site. Cat's already out of the bag if you exchange pleasantries. First, agreeing to meet up isn't "pursuing", it's just agreeing to meet up and to talk in person which is more fruitful. Second, you may or may not have to "pursue" someone you click well with. You can "pursue" someone online with messages, thru text, phone calls, in person, etc. Meeting in person gets you the depth to see if they are worth Dating.

Perhaps you need to put in your profile you only want to deal with people who want to get together immediately and not spend weeks writing.

I agree, but I think it doesn't take immediately to make it uncomfortable for ya. From the sounds of it, it sounds like you'd like to pen-pal for at least a little while. Nobody really expects to meet Immediately, as that's not usually so feasible ("If you can reply, you can meet, like, tonight!"). But a sooner-rather-than-later type thing would be good to note in the profile, but it can be too tricky to put in there without giving the impression to some that they're over-pushy about it (as some guys are).

I think putting out the suggestion to someone to "meet tomorrow after work at Starbucks?" shouldn't throw someone off, if that's said after some text exchanges. I think said person who's put off by that is the one who's in their own boat. If the person throwing out the pretty-soon suggestion to meet is actually throwing out a Demand and gets frustrated, yeah, they are also in their own boat -- and should probably then put their stingy comfort zone in their profile, too.

Why give them light for that long? You're essentially, giving them the stage to endlessly email you. Don't reply.

I agree on the don't-reply -- only if said gal already suggested meeting up some time. If not, she could be giving him the stage to endlessly email her by not acting like she wants to meet right now, giving off a shy/apprehensive vibe, etc. I don't think it's like RL where it's the "guy's duty" to bring up the notion of getting together some time. It's unlike RL because, as I said above, it's a dating site. Cat's out of the bag. You're already talking. If you're talking, it's Already Established that you Should both want to be meeting, at some point in the near future, if you're wanting to still communicate. So it's not so much a (gasp) "Move" on someone to suggest going out sometime. IMO, it's not a gender-role thing to merely do that, online after talking.
 MadameBoisseau
Joined: 12/16/2016
Msg: 136
stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/20/2017 3:36:51 PM
I've had the misfortune of meeting numerous men that think being rejected is a starting point for negotiation. After how many guys have blown up my phone when telling them after a date i didnt think it was a match, i am in NO hurry to give my personal contact info to people. It takes time to discern if someone honestly shares your values because so many people lie in the dating game.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 137
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stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/20/2017 4:24:26 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1fqC9nbmc4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCojIDHgnjY
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 138
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stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/20/2017 5:06:54 PM

3. Can't go in without a firm, decisive plan - which means reservations have ALREADY been made, tickets have ALREADY been purchased...


This is oddly specific. How often has this actually happened to you?


Endlessly. A simple example....
1) "I have tickets to the 'X' Comedy Club for 7 pm on Friday. Would you like to go?" -Usually get a decisive answer right away to the positive, so long as they are available.

2) "Would you like to go to a comedy club this weekend?" - The answer is rarely positive, even after discussing a half dozen questions about which club, performance times, who's performing, what they have on the menu, etc...

Unless I can confirm for sure that there are tickets for a specific time and place, it's a wishy-washy plan at best in their eyes, and a waste of their time. Never mind that major concert tickets are sold out months ahead of time, and popular clubs and restaurant tables get filled long before the weekend begins. "Why can't YOU get me in?"

I suspect it's also a cost factor, too - that they believe for whatever reason I'm gonna go cheap and demand halfsies from them simply because the purchase hasn't been made yet. It's almost insulting - but I know some guys do pull that kind of crap.
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 139
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stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/21/2017 8:27:07 AM
Thx for replying, Dan. I'm thinking you might be mistaking correlation for causation, given that even with reservations/tickets in hand you don't always get a yes.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 140
stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/21/2017 9:27:00 AM

1) "I have tickets to the 'X' Comedy Club for 7 pm on Friday. Would you like to go?" -Usually get a decisive answer right away to the positive, so long as they are available.

2) "Would you like to go to a comedy club this weekend?" - The answer is rarely positive, even after discussing a half dozen questions about which club, performance times, who's performing, what they have on the menu, etc...


Maybe a better approach is "Would you be interested in going to [such_and_such]? I can go after work and get tickets." I would never buy two tickets to an event without having confirmation that another person has agreed to go with me beforehand. It smacks of desperation to buy an extra ticket, then scrounge around to find an extra person who would be willing to go, if the first choice is a no-go.
 Kay9876
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 141
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stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 2/21/2017 2:41:48 PM

Msg. 135: …the unreasonable standards people create in here. Can't approach with basic 'Hi' or 'Hello' messages, even though that's how we greet each other 99% of the time in real life.

Msg. 137 (in response to Msg. 135): Yeah. It is funny how some gals will get SO "Ugh!" by small his or hellos, which is basically "pinging" them to see if they're up for engaging/mingling. IRL that's fine, but online?

Entertain me, man-boy! Dance for me! ;)

^^^ I’m more likely to be interested in men who dance with me … well, at least until we’ve known each other for a while.
:)

Both sides of the male/female equation like to be entertained or at least engaged. It’s not easy to respond to “Hi” online, except with another “Hi.” To be really good, conversation (like dancing, dating, and sex) requires movement, purpose, and a shared sense of hearing the beat of the same drum.
 1stepbyawned
Joined: 2/18/2017
Msg: 142
stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 3/4/2017 1:46:16 AM
Same here. THIS is the place to 'get to know someone' people .
If there is no interest or smooth email convo what makes you think it would be any more interesting IRL?
Frankly I like to know the 'strangers' I will possibly be meeting , to avoid any awkwardness.
In fact this is the place to get all the dull 'interview/life history' questions out of the way so you can relax and do something fun or just enjoy a shared experience, talk about politics, etc

It happened to me recently, where I was making short polite conversation (How are you today?) then 'What is it you do exactly' etc and there was a method in my madness, to find out if this person is friendly, etc. Apparently she became exasperated with my so-called endless texting (precisely half a dozen , 2-3 each) very short messages and promptly deleted the conversation and blocked me. *sigh* Oh well, NEXT .

Here's the thing ladies, if I am writing to you I AM INTERESTED, and based on your responses/attitude I will either be inclined to ask you out or pass.
Rushing to a date with a stranger - and we all are before 3 months ! - is not only counter productive it is also , from my own experience dating, the reason people succumb to dating burnout and end up bitter , cynical people who give up dating and end up hanging out in discussion forums lamenting their fate -)

Then again I might have unresolved fears of meeting strangers - or am passive aggressive misogynist out to get his jollies.
We'll leave that one for a Freudian analyst, thank you very much.

Stay sane. Don't date! heh
 1stepbyawned
Joined: 2/18/2017
Msg: 143
stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 3/4/2017 1:57:34 AM
And rushing to check if there is 'chemistry' first before you have ascertained whether you even like this candidate as person - namely they actually have a personality- is another potential pitfall, for the ones looking for a serious long term relationship.
Come to think of it, the ones in an all fired hurry are just exasperated from typing half a dozen messages - god forbid- of polite conversation.
We don't know you have been doing this with 5 or 105 other guys, we're not mind readers.
 1stepbyawned
Joined: 2/18/2017
Msg: 144
stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 3/4/2017 2:05:19 AM
Wow, I just read back what I wrote . I sound bitter !
Oh no, it's happened , the dreaded OLD bitterness and frustration has set in.
Pathetic. Then again, I always knew it would. I'm one of you now:(
 Strawberry_Jello
Joined: 5/13/2014
Msg: 145
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stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 3/4/2017 10:36:15 PM
I tried OLD for a while, and found it mostly a frustrating waste of time. So I decided to meet sooner with anyone who was respectful/polite. Well, it seemed like a good idea, but not IRL. The guys I met fairly soon after initial contact seemed to have a different attitude. Maybe they thought I was desperate, I dunno. One guy I met made fun of me because I didn't know his real name, only his user name online. So?
It's a crap shoot at best. No matter how you handle it.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 146
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stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 3/5/2017 2:38:47 AM
married men or those who have lied on their profile are going to chit chat endlessly and fuel their fantasies.
A genuine person will ask you out or at least have a voice call with you. Dont waste more than a week or so with them. Simple.

Most men with something going for them are out there in real life having success.

 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 147
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stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 3/5/2017 11:08:27 AM

Both sides of the male/female equation like to be entertained or at least engaged. It’s not easy to respond to “Hi” online, except with another “Hi.” To be really good, conversation (like dancing, dating, and sex) requires movement, purpose, and a shared sense of hearing the beat of the same drum.

Actually, it's not that hard. :) Why is not hard IRL but it is online where people just usually exchange one-sentence lines to each other? Why is it not Hard for guys, but it is for gals? Sure, it makes conversation more inviting when it's something to generate a response, even to someone who may not be interested in-that-way so much... to "ping" someone, you can read their profile and if anything generates something other than another Hello and a smiley, sure, go for it. :) Unideal with just a "hi" when there's tons of competition? Agree. but again, IRL it's not Hard. Shouldn't be via IM/e-messaging.

The guys I met fairly soon after initial contact seemed to have a different attitude. Maybe they thought I was desperate, I dunno.

I don't think it makes any difference at all. Maybe you shifting gears did more than just meeting sooner-than-later. You weren't so fruitful when you weren't meeting real quick, so I think it's just -- well, OLD. :) Yes, pen-paling before meeting is a waste of time. Many times due to schedules you can't meet super-soon anyway. But to just meet at a coffee shop during a lunch break or whatever is all ya need. The only problem I can see with meeting real swiftly is a self-fulfilling prophecy by any one of the people where doing it by itself racks their nerves or something. But in my lengthy experience on the field -- meeting them within 1-2 days of initial contact wasn't any worse than 3-5 days of initial contact, and I don't see how/why there would be a difference.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 148
stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 3/5/2017 12:24:27 PM

Both sides of the male/female equation like to be entertained or at least engaged. It’s not easy to respond to “Hi” online, except with another “Hi.” To be really good, conversation (like dancing, dating, and sex) requires movement, purpose, and a shared sense of hearing the beat of the same drum.


It's not that hard. If a woman says "Hi" or "How are you?" and there aren't any obvious dealbreakers based on her profile / pictures, I will respond and mention something on her profile. Many people will open up and will write longer emails once mutual interest has been established.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 149
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stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 3/5/2017 9:50:43 PM

Both sides of the male/female equation like to be entertained or at least engaged. It’s not easy to respond to “Hi” online, except with another “Hi.” To be really good, conversation (like dancing, dating, and sex) requires movement, purpose, and a shared sense of hearing the beat of the same drum.

A journey of a thousand miles still needs to start with a first step.

The frustration of messaging isn't about replying, "Hi." to the first message. It's the following note that contains a paragraph with two or three poignant questions that gets a two or three-word answer and no subsequent follow-up. Or the return reply doesn't happen for at least 24 hours, so three weeks of single messages back and forth doesn't even add up to three minutes of spoken conversation.

There's this stupid notion that we need to know the 'dance' from the second we decide to stand up and ask the other to join us on the dance floor. Maybe that visual would be more appropriate to internet dating if you consider we're both blindfolded, and the only way we can communicate is writing with a blunt pencil on a steno pad while we're twirling around. No contact; no holding hands; heck, we don't even know if we're both listening to the same music. God forbid we ask full questions or write full sentences before we judge the incompatibility of that connection.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 150
stop with the endless messages and ask me out already
Posted: 3/6/2017 7:51:03 AM
I guess one reason it isn't so hard to start a convo in real life, is that the person is there in real time. I don't say hi to a hottie and then have to come back the next morning to find if they say anything back. Another reason might just be straight up interest. I say hi to a hottie standing next to me in a crowd, she tends to say hi back b/c she doesn't want to be rude and unless she caught me checking her out, she can figure i'm just being friendly. On a singles' dating site, however, i'm not saying hi b/c i'm being friendly, i'm looking to "Acquire" something :) like when I go to a store and want to buy something and the clerk has their head down, I don't say, "hi?" to get their attention b/c I care to find out how their day is going. or vice versa, when they want to make a sale, they may start by walking up and engaging in small talk, but we all know they are trying to build a rapport quickly so we'll like them enough to agree to their terms.

in some ways, approaching online is a bit like that salesperson. we want to make a proposal good enough the hottie is going to buy it. But if the person isn't so much of a hottie, if we aren't so interested in that person? we might invest less time and effort into our effort. Ironically, if the hottie is waaay out of our league, we might think we're going to get blown out of the water, so why invest in a big first proposal that's just going to go straight into the email delete box?

its a lot of complication, b/c we can't just say, "ok, you showed a body shot so we could see how great your ass looks. Interesting in bringing it over?" Its easier to buy on eBay b/c we can be honest that a deal is going down. of course, all of this assumes that the person contacting us has any brains. they might be saying hi b/c that's all the brain neurons they could fire. in the past, that's been enough to work, and there's plenty to work it on, so the odds are in their favor.

:)
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > stop with the endless messages and ask me out already