Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Importance of heigh?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 1176
Importance of height?Page 48 of 51    (11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51)
^^^^^^


It's like embellishing a job resume to get a job interview , figuring that if you at least get that chance to talk in person that might make up the difference VS the phone never rings/you never get replies to your online dating msgs.


Desperate times call for desperate measures sometimes.

...and yes, sometimes it does work


Complete honesty vs .... being strategic ?
 LJane_6
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1177
view profile
History
Importance of height?
Posted: 10/21/2016 7:51:11 PM

I know, I know...we hate to think ourselves in terms of leagues or meatloaf, even if meatloaf can put on a strip of bacon and have a little zing to it. sometimes, tho, the person who turns away from us, is in the long run helping us out.


I can see how I would give the first impression of being "meatloaf." I am shy and reserved, and probably come across as boring initially. However, I’ve had many people tell me they were surprised once they got to know me, and I was nothing like they first thought. It’s just that guys write you off right away, after one date. No one wants to take time getting to know people, they are looking for an instant connection or someone to sexually turn them on.


Photo angles is one thing, but when you start editing your photos, I can see this causing a problem..


Yeah, maybe fixing the chin was too much. But, people can look really different from different angles as well. And I’ve been told my double chin shows up more in pics than IRL, so I didn’t think erasing it would be a big deal. However, I clearly did not look like what this guy was expecting.


Is getting a date that goes nowhere, better than not?
I would think getting shot down after meeting would be worse, than not meeting....


Actually, you’re right. It is worse. I’ve never really gotten a straight answer from a guy about my pics. I guess I thought they looked more like me than they actually do. Or, maybe I thought they were close enough that it wouldn't be a deal-breaker. But, since using worse ones has not worked out well for me either, I think probably I will just give up on OLD and hope for a miracle.


Desperate times call for desperate measures sometimes.
...and yes, sometimes it does work


There were a few guys who didn’t seem to notice or care, but they were quite unattractive themselves (one was fat and bald, the other had very yellow teeth, and was a non-smoker, so clearly bad hygiene). They also didn't have great social skills TBH. I still met up with one of them a second time, and the other I would have met again if he had asked.


Complete honesty vs .... being strategic ?


The thing is, even when I had posted the more realistic shots, I thought they looked ok, average at least, and yet all I could seem to attract with them were the types of guys I mentioned. In order to attract even an average dude, it seems only the embellished pics are working, and many times, even those aren’t good enough. It’s really not so much that I think I’m ugly as that men’s expectations seem a bit ridiculous…they all seem to want someone out of their league.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 1178
Importance of height?
Posted: 10/21/2016 9:22:29 PM
certain types look for certain things, and yes...if they don't find that one thing they're looking for, they don't bother to stick around to see if there's anything else they might eventually find an interest in. So, they do you a favor in the long run, just not for the ol' ego. It might help to consider what they all share in common, to figure out what it is they are looking for that you might not be offering up to them. Sometimes people who only want to get one thing, tend to be a certain type. For example, I won't waste my time on a woman who's a fashion queen if i'm proud of saving my money at the consignment shop. What's the odds the fashion queen isn't looking beyond the superficial? only if she conducts herself like she's interested in more than just looks. Otherwise, if she's a mile wide and an inch deep and carry a conversation, she reveals herself quickly to be all about the outer surface. or in my case, I don't have to bother getting to know her, she just ignores me from the get-go :) in a way, its nice to not have the time wasted.
 LJane_6
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1179
view profile
History
Importance of height?
Posted: 10/22/2016 1:30:25 AM
Went back and changed some of my pics...now all the ones I have up are the non-edited versions. I did use a grainy camera and have makeup on, but none of them are filtered or photoshopped. And the first 4 are from within the past 6 months or so. Maybe they still don't look like me, but they are.
 LJane_6
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1180
view profile
History
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/22/2016 10:44:10 AM

kinda like when a mother bird tucks her baby under her wing....thats the feeling I get with a tall guy.


Almost all the guys I've dated have been short. I actually thought I preferred short guys, until I dated a tall one for once. That's when I realized I had just gotten used to shorter guys because they were the ones approaching me. I had to chase my taller ex a little bit, and in the end I broke up with him because he did not seem physically attracted to me. But, I know what you mean. It was a nice feeling in a way to look up at the guy, lol. However, it's still far from being a deal breaker if they are the same height. Online, I tend to message shorter guys more often, because they have been more likely to respond. The last guy I went out with (who said I don't look like my pics) was tall, but I favorited him before I even looked at his height. I just liked his profile. When he responded and I realized how tall he was, I actually got a bit nervous. Haha
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 1181
view profile
History
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/23/2016 6:21:13 PM

Yes, if she is great looking. But you would still pick the great looking slutty girl over the plain girl next door, right?

Guys are going to be more attracted to the good looking version of girl-next-door. Said girls have naturally good looks -- where slutty girl may or may not. Guys will tend to Want the real cute girl next door over slutty Sally, even if their base looks are equal. So what brings him to slutty Sally? They're never really standing in front of him each saying "Pick Me, Pick Me". :) Of course if the girl with the girl-next-door look isn't that good looking, but the other gal who's got the "I've got a party in my pants" look IS good looking, he'd choose the latter if he's not intimidated or put off by it. I myself am not put off by it. Depending on my mood and her look, I may or may not have a notable level of intimidation. Basically, I would mingle with both, if the circumstances allowed it with feasibility, assuming each was at least good looking. But all other things being close to equal, I'd slide towards the girl-next-door look. And my point is, guys go for that moreso than gals think. Out of jealousy, they want to believe that isn't true. Many times though, naughty Nancy is flirty and a social butterfly, where household Hannah isn't so socially open and/or just keeps close to her group. That makes a big difference on date-worthy guys going up to girls.

Some men like thin, athletic women, others prefer curves. However, I've noticed that the women with pretty faces usually get the most attention.

Face Always carries the most weight. Even with those who go on and about about T vs A, thin vs curvy, etc. With that said, my point was that looks isn't limited to check-offs of surface stuff. How one carries themselves, their demeanor, etc affects how one soaks in the physical attraction. Personality mixes with it, and looks affects their view on their persona, too. It isn't just basic surface stuff, is my point.

True, being short is going to be somewhat a disadvantage as a guy, especially if they are going for taller women, and especially online.

Not even taller women. Every guy's going to have a pretty big disadvantage with women taller than he. The short guy would have to get girls shorter than he, and he's Still at a big disadvantage. On Match's height requirements, you'll see that short girls and gals who are a little tall don't have a big discrepancy on minimal height requirements. His disadvantage just goes down some with short girls. My point is -- looks matter and are big with women. Otherwise, the height thing wouldn't be a big issue.

However, I think overall women can fall for a guy based on his personality, and become attracted even if she wasn't initially

It doesn't happen very often, and almost every time it wasn't that she wrote him off, but she just didn't think about it too much and was just window-shopping in her own mind (or mind on a guy she was dating and never really thought of Bob). Thing is, most of the time, people are going to meet others without mutual social connections, so it won't be someone you "warm up" to. It's are-you-attracted? Number-or-no-number? Then they go passing in the night if one doesn't buy into it. That's most situations for those who are social.

For men, the attraction has to be there pretty much right away or they'll write the woman off.

That's pretty much how women are. There are some women, usually ones with issues, who will commonly not be so into a guy but warm up to him. That's a minority. What IS a little common is a guy being in a gal's same social circle to some degree, and the notion of dating never came up, nor any attraction or unattraction issues by either party, but later on, something does develop in that direction. Notably insecure gals or ones with some issues will sometimes be the ones where they're Not attracted to a guy, but will warm up And Unquestionably Like him down the line without him doing anything to himself. But again, that's requires social connections to occur, and many times, dating opportunities aren't had thru groups of friends who frequently hang out together for that to occur anyway.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 1182
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/23/2016 6:27:11 PM

There are some women, usually ones with issues, who will commonly not be so into a guy but warm up to him.


Hey, thanks Brah!
 halforhalfnot
Joined: 9/13/2016
Msg: 1183
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/23/2016 7:18:32 PM
Is there really such a thing as an adult of either gender without issues?

Somehow I don't think such a mythical creature would be on a dating website.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 1184
view profile
History
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/23/2016 7:22:37 PM

Hey, thanks Brah!

To clarify, I didn't mean warm up to him as a friend or think he's a really cool guy she'd like to set him up with. I was referring to going from "No, I am Not attracted to him," to one day going "Oooooh, I Am attracted to him!" Those are rarities, but my point was, there are some gals with issues where that'll happen frequently. Not a good sign! :)
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 1185
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/23/2016 7:33:52 PM
My friend, why is that not a good sign?
 halforhalfnot
Joined: 9/13/2016
Msg: 1186
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/23/2016 7:44:32 PM
Yeah. You're ragging on my target demographic dude.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 1187
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/23/2016 7:49:26 PM
^ Cut it out, Shorty. I'm trying to get inside this gentleman's mind.







In order to maintain the highest quality forums you are restricted to having no more then 2 of the last 10 posts on a thread.
Since 2 of the last 10 posts are yours you can not post to this thread.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 1188
view profile
History
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/24/2016 1:03:11 AM

My friend, why is that not a good sign?

To be an outlier where you can go from explicitly Physically Unattracted to explicitly Physically Attracted, without any change in their looks and no unusual look about them they haven't been exposed to before? Again, we're not at all talking about "he/she was cute I guess; didn't really think about it; didn't feel a Pull at the time I guess" to "I've developed a real Liking to them as a whole".

Instability on a very basic thing that isn't an assessment evaluation, nor complex... but innate. Because we're talking about physical attraction, not personality assessment or them as a whole. Yes, them as a whole can turn something from merely sufficient physically up many notches, as with other attributes ("All his jokes are funny!"). But going from physically Unattractive to physically Attractive in perception? It's not a surprise nor coincidence that when you do notice this in someone in how they can be, that they have issues.

Here's an example of something a bit different conceptually, but brings the same question mark, with a gal I was seeing once: She was Strongly going off about how she hates a certain neighborhood she's been to many times, and scoffed at the idea of anyone defending it. I mean, really hating it. She didn't have any real core reason, but her emotions, her gut never liked it. Then a day later she LOVES that neighborhood. Like I was talking to another person. Ummmm, what? Now, one can say "Well, how is that not a good sign?" or "How would it be a surprise that you found out she had issues?"

Again, I'm not talking about a mere lack of real pull physically but then having pull physically (along with other things aiding in that) over time. It'd be a sign of said guy/gal not being in touch with themselves... something you'd expect more with young teens discovering the world of attraction and figuring themselves out... or the occasional rare circumstance with someone who has a really Unique look or someone who resembles someone they disliked from many years past, etc.

My guess, and from my experiences, is that they were physically Attracted but didn't know/feel it on the outside, due to baseless negative assumptions about said person with nothing to go on (stereotyping on looks alone + having a heavy hand crossing wires with physical attraction)... or actually were truly physically Unattracted to them, then became physically Attracted to them, which IMO, would be even scarier.
 LJane_6
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1189
view profile
History
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/24/2016 1:44:25 AM

guys go for that moreso than gals think. Out of jealousy, they want to believe that isn't true.


I definitely believe that. Like I said – IF the “girl next door” is good looking, that is.


Many times though, naughty Nancy is flirty and a social butterfly, where household Hannah isn't so socially open and/or just keeps close to her group. That makes a big difference on date-worthy guys going up to girls.


Where do you come up with these names?? but yes, I agree that the more approachable looking girl will get hit on more, unless the shy one is much better looking.


Face Always carries the most weight. Even with those who go on and about about T vs A, thin vs curvy, etc.


I know that now, but wish I had known it when I was younger. I used to envy other girls’ bodies, which was a waste of time. And, when I was more fit, some of my bigger friends used to say things like “I wish I was as skinny as you.” But going out with enough girlfriends over the years, I’ve realized that pretty faces definitely draw more interest than “hot” bodies.


My point is -- looks matter and are big with women. Otherwise, the height thing wouldn't be a big issue.


Yes, height is important to many (but not all) women. It isn’t purely about looks, though – some women feel more feminine when the guy is bigger and taller than them. For me, if a guy carries himself in a confident way and otherwise seems masculine, that matters way more to me than height. I used to care about height, until I met some short guys who changed my mind. :D


My friend, why is that not a good sign?


Exactly. I don’t think that’s a “bad” sign, either. I think, like NG mentioned, that it would most often occur through social connections such as groups of friends. Which I wish there were more of nowadays. I remember as a kid in school, there were boys in my classes who I wouldn’t look twice at – but maybe I’d end up sitting next to them one day or be assigned to a group project together. And, after talking some more, I’d get a huge crush on them. One of the problems with dating nowadays (and this culture in general), is that things are moving too fast. We want instant gratification, instant attraction, usually based on shallow criteria. And, when you’re online dating, you don’t want to string a guy along – so yeah, you’re going to pass if there isn’t attraction early on. However, I think that in a group setting you could get to know people without the pressure to make snap decisions, and then, lots of times you could end up liking someone you didn’t initially. Now, that’s not to say you would go from blatantly UN-attracted or repulsed to very attracted. But yeah, anything in the mutual zone, or even slightly negative, could still turn into more over time. That is, if we were ever in the right situation or had the patience to give it time.

Honestly, though, I do think this is way more likely to happen in the case of a guy winning over a girl than vice-versa. I still do believe that, in general, men are more about attraction based purely on looks than women are. Also, many women want to be adored by a man, and made to feel beautiful. Look at real-life couples – you way more often see a hot girl with an average Joe than the other way around. I sometimes see the reverse, but it’s usually if the guy is raised a certain way (such as, maybe had a good relationship with his mother or sisters and is more comfortable around women). In fact, the place I most often see the hot guy-plain Jane couples are at church. (Now, where’s mine?? ;p)
 LJane_6
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1190
view profile
History
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/24/2016 2:06:45 AM

My guess, and from my experiences, is that they were physically Attracted but didn't know/feel it on the outside, due to baseless negative assumptions...or actually were truly physically Unattracted to them, then became physically Attracted to them, which IMO, would be even scarier.


Saw this after I posted my last reply. But again, while it's more rare, I don't think that happening would be "scary." It would only be that way if the girl had low self-esteem and thought she couldn't do better, but then, it wouldn't be true attraction(?) As I've mentioned, I've had it happen once before. This guy who I thought was quite unattractive physically really pursued me, but kept it low-key (hanging out in groups, etc). The more I got to know him, I started to see him in a different light. Like, I noticed that he had really nice eyes, and a nice smile, in addition to his less attractive features. I also think we had a spiritual connection (as corny as that may sound, we prayed together and shared the same beliefs). In the end I broke it off, though, because I still felt something was missing, but it wasn't due to the physical. We just had no common interests (other than faith-related stuff) and kind of ran out of things to talk about. The guy still liked me, but eventually he even had to agree that we weren't the best match for eachother. He ended up marrying a girl who is similar to me in looks, but has WAY more in common with him (like, they are into the same nerdy video games and stuff).

I have another friend who had a guy pursue her, and she was NOT attracted to him and thought he was a total dork (I'm not sure if it was due to looks or just his general persona). Anyway, the girl moved to a different town for a while, and when she came back this guy still liked her. I don't quite know how it happened, but she fell in love with him and now they are happily married. Again, this was a religious couple. I'm beginning to realize that maybe these experiences are less common outside the Christian world. I really do think and have both felt and observed that spirituality can go a long way to creating connection and even attraction.
 benartflick
Joined: 3/8/2012
Msg: 1191
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/24/2016 7:21:31 AM

We just had no common interests (other than faith-related stuff)


Jane, isn't the key 'willing to' discover other things to enjoy together? Give the connection a chance to build an abundance of 'common interests'. If your companion isn't willing to experiment, then tell him to take a hike.

I met a woman who taught me how to play tennis and I taught her how to play golf and Black Jack. Then we went on to do and learn many things together - including line dancing. A common interest shared by most couples might be movies, eating out, massages, traveling and sight seeing.


kind of ran out of things to talk about.


I can tell by your postings you never ran out of things to talk about in your life. I'm the same way. Generally women are great conversationalists. Some men are just not talkers or good listeners to start with. It's not a matter of running out of things to talk about.

I recall meeting a woman and it turned out that I had worked with her ex-husband. I commented that he isn't much of a talker. She quickly replied, "Tell me about it!"
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 1192
view profile
History
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/24/2016 1:08:42 PM

I definitely believe that. Like I said – IF the “girl next door” is good looking, that is.

Well, if ANY girl is good looking enough to the guy, regardless of demographic. And sociable enough to him, too. The only thing with apparent naughty Nancys is, is that the guy will be less picky on looks.

Where do you come up with these names??

Read enough online profiles, they come to you! ;)

but yes, I agree that the more approachable looking girl will get hit on more, unless the shy one is much better looking.

But even much better looking but shut-down sociably won't get trumped by a pretty cute gal who is. Just because there are some guys who throw the "long ball" at great looking but-socially-closed-off girls (purposely closed off or not) -- doesn't mean said girls are trumping anyone. Also, said types of gals many times push guys away. Intimidating situation being socially closed off + Great looks combined... requires more balls. A lot of alcohol helps in that endeavor, but also results in her not getting the greatest quality of said dudes, too.

Yes, height is important to many (but not all) women.

Not many, but a Vast Vast majority. Height being important doesn't require a 5'3" gal Requiring a guy 6'0" or taller. When it comes to guys she doesn't know and has no social connections with (nor popular, rich, or famous), a guy being at Least her height in her regular shoe-wear is about as standard as anything else. It's very important that that criteria is met. It also bears a lot of weight if the guy is notably taller than she, notably when she's not that tall. Let's not downplay this... it is a big deal. Thing is, it's Easy for gals who are in the ballpark range of avg female height to find guys who are noticeably taller than she -- so it's erroneously thought of not mattering that much. Guys are guilty of this type of thing too, when without thinking you blindly weed out certain types. How much you consciously think about it, isn't necessarily a reflection of how important it can be.

We want instant gratification, instant attraction, usually based on shallow criteria.

I think with strictly Physical attraction -- that attribute -- it is pretty instant. It doesn't require getting to know them. One gal I dated, a friend's sister, when coming to mind, is someone I have the most negative respect & dislike for as a person. But I can say that she is physically attractive. I'm not attracted to Her, but I'm not warped where my perception of reality is off. Physical appearance/attractiveness requires no interpretation or process assessment like so many other things.

Look at real-life couples – you way more often see a hot girl with an average Joe than the other way around.

Taking away $$, and bringing in them with no mutual social connections and being a relatively new couple (not an LTR where one let themselves go a long while ago), I'd make a lot of money in Vegas betting that she's got some issues, if she's seen by random surveys as Hot, and he's seen by random surveys as avg Joe. Oh, sure, I'd lose one of them on a 10-couples bet, but I'd clean house statistically.

But again, while it's more rare, I don't think that happening would be "scary." It would only be that way if the girl had low self-esteem and thought she couldn't do better, but then, it wouldn't be true attraction(?)

Well, it's when it's somewhat frequent, not rare. So for a gal in this case where it's somewhat frequent, yeah, it is scary. It does indicate low self-esteem... issues in general which I'm sure vary to some degree. But when it's not true attraction but she THINKS it is -- yeah, that is wack. Basically, the synopsis of it is: If one doesn't know what they're attracted to on the physical level, in their 20s+ -- where you could go from explicitly Unattracted to explicitly Attracted by no other changes had -- they got issues. They're not in touch with themselves on a Basic level, and some real issues are in the way.

Not to say it'd be dating suicide -- but it's a Red Flag.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 1193
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/24/2016 1:27:03 PM
This is like Pee Wee's Playhouse but with a not so secret word
NG is stuck on" issues".
He should cancel that subscription. Now we all have to scream or take a shot when he uses the I word
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 1194
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/24/2016 2:29:02 PM

take a shot


LOL Ouija, you took the words right outta my mouth. I was ready to give a shout out to Walts. It's time for a shot of whiskey and I don't drink whiskey, but maybe I'd like the "the good stuff"!

Hey Walts!!!!!!!!!!!!
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 1195
Importance of issues
Posted: 10/24/2016 4:26:57 PM
"Cut it out, Shorty. I'm trying to get inside this gentleman's mind."

>>you broads, all you want is to get into our minds. Can't you want us for anything else?

Meanwhile, I suspect people don't go to church for the hookup culture. Religion may attract those looking towards the future, if not marriage and children. But, I think for some of us, the issue isn't the other gender, but what members of it we are attracted to. Our initial attraction to a stranger may not be, "gosh, she'd be great for the times i'm feeling low and need a friend", but perhaps, "wow, she'd be great company for when i'm feeling my best and want to go out someplace."

it would be nice to look at someone, and wonder what they can teach us and how they can expand us. But we probably think we have enough friends to do that. We may not look at a hottie and think what a great friend they could make, we may look at a hottie and think how to get them in bed, and anything else we get is...gravy. We might feel we have enough friends who are like us, we want a date who is....dare I say it...a league above. someone who makes us go "Wow" rather than "yo, hey, whatup?" We aren't looking for the partner who is a comfortable fit.

or frankly, we're looking for a good time. Nothing wrong with a hot lay...its like getting a good buzz on the good stuff. But messier :) And the feeling that comes from knowing someone hot wants you, is a feeling that is normal for the better looking among us, but for the rest, its a wonderful compliment. Better than a raise and an "attaboy" at work, at least at the moment it happens. nuthin' wrong with wanting good sex and doing what is needed to accomplish it.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 1196
Importance of issues
Posted: 10/24/2016 6:00:40 PM
Some of you guys really need to summarize for those of us with the ADD. Let me give you an example:

Norwegian, you're wrong.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 1197
Importance of issues
Posted: 10/24/2016 6:16:17 PM
^^^ marry me
Of course now he'll do the chart of Nancy and Sid
and use ISSUES 35 times
We should marry him off to Jane :)
Sorry Jane, but you and he can set a house a fire
Let me out quote you
Scrolls back 13 eras
Winner is
well chicken dinner
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 1198
Importance of issues
Posted: 10/24/2016 6:40:12 PM
Hell, I'll marry ya ;) But none of that forever and ever crap. Like my attention span, my marriages are super duper short.
 LJane_6
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1199
view profile
History
Importance of issues
Posted: 10/24/2016 11:26:39 PM

Jane, isn't the key 'willing to' discover other things to enjoy together? Give the connection a chance to build an abundance of 'common interests'. If your companion isn't willing to experiment, then tell him to take a hike.


We did try, and in the end it was me who broke it off. I've found that sharing common interests is pretty important when dating someone, and not only that, but the way the conversation flows (or doesn't). I actually get frustrated by men who don't seem to care at all. It seems that for them, all that matters is having sufficient attraction. Never mind that you're completely incompatible and would be miserable together. Then there are guys who I feel I've had a great chat and lots in common with, but they write me off immediately because they're not turned on enough. For me, if I was repulsed by someone, I wouldn't see them again. But if we had a good chat and they were so/so attractive, I'd give it another chance. When it came to that particular guy, we just weren't interested in discussing the same topics. And, he grew up very religious (more so than me), and there were many topics he didn't seem comfortable with, probably because his family avoided them. It just wasn't a fit, he was a great guy and would have been a very good husband (he was looking to get married at the time), but I would have regretted it.


We may not look at a hottie and think what a great friend they could make, we may look at a hottie and think how to get them in bed, and anything else we get is...gravy. We might feel we have enough friends who are like us, we want a date who is....dare I say it...a league above. someone who makes us go "Wow" rather than "yo, hey, whatup?" We aren't looking for the partner who is a comfortable fit.


So in other words, you're looking for a relationship based on physical attraction and sex, not friendship and compatibility. Sounds like a recipe for success :/
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 1200
Importance of issues
Posted: 10/25/2016 6:58:31 AM
There are people who aren't looking for long term. They aren't willing to wait until marriage to have sex. A desire to have sex, to have sex a certain way, is what they have in common. There likely is other things they have in common, otherwise the lady feels uncomfortable and she decides that they won't be having sex. Many of my female friends growing up were dating someone while we were going out to dinner and doing other "bf/gf " behavior. Some might say the lady was a booty call, and when the guy wasn't around to take her to events or out to dinner or mow her lawn or whatever, that's what I was there for. Am I the only "nice guy" out there in this situation? if not, then yes, there's women out there as well who can base a relationship on sexual attraction. they can find a few things in common with their lover, such as a willingness to have that type of relationship, the amount of effort both want to put into relationships, how easy or difficult it is to fall into bed with someone in that league, etc.

when I typed, "partner who is a comfortable fit", I should have quoted that line from the movie "good as it gets". Some guys are attracted to a woman just a little bit better than them, so they have to be a better man. Not someone who accepts them in sweatpants or puts up with an unshaven face b/c that's the best she's going to get, like Sheldon Cooper's suffering gf on the TV show Big Bang Theory. That said, half my past relationships fit your sentence, "if we had a good chat and they were so-so attractive, i'd give them a chance." They were like having sex with a hang out buddy. Sex was just another activity we could do. If I agreed to the sex, it was b/c I wanted sex, rather than wanting to have sex with them. I'd prefer a relationship where i'm interested in having sex with that person. They turn me on, i'm not visualizing someone else while i'm having sex with them, pretending its that other person.

When I was young, I turned down opportunities b/c it wasn't exactly the situation I was looking for. Now I realize its one reason I have such long dry spells. Like the poster with the two vultures on a branch says, "patience my ass, i'm gonna accept something" :) sometimes while waiting for dinner to arrive on the table, we should sneak a cookie.

and yes, there are a few women out there who don't have a lot of personality or brains to offer, but they do offer a nice body. Should I accept the glass half full? Sometimes, life is about accepting what it is that people offer :) Some people will go into a bar and get drunk around strangers b/c...its fun. They don't think of it as limiting, and they don't think about doing it for years. Its fun now, and there may be a hangover and an empty wallet later, but hey, its fun, it releases stress, and for that moment, the chemicals in the brain feel a solidarity with other people.

is that really a bad thing? no. it can lead to bad ramifications, but everyone involved has to act like an adult about it.

Meanwhile, if someone's looking for long term, then yes, they should avoid picking up strangers and begin looking amongst associates. There's a better chance of finding like-minded people, and love and attraction might develop. But in reality, we want excitement--we want the hottie who makes our heart skip a beat. So, we look online and meet people in bars and such. As Ben pointed out, we might even hope to find the opposite who takes us out of our comfort zone, if our comfort zone has become a boring routine or a prison of sorts. Having a lot in common with a partner, frankly, can turn into an echo chamber. We won't learn anything new, which is great for those who believe they already know everything :)

To find a good fit among strangers requires first knowing where we fit in. What do we offer. then we have to find people who act like us, b/c they are like us. If you want to catch tuna, you don't go fishing in a river. But fishing in an ocean brings up a variety of fish. You want the bait that attracts tuna, and you want to know what a shark looks like before you drag it into the boat.

Finding a long term relationship is like finding a house--it takes a long time of searching if you don't know exactly what it is you want and whittle down the list of possibilities. Or it takes some luck to trip over a good fit. or a willingness to sacrifice good schools and commute time.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Importance of heigh?