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Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 1222
those who pay, get to set the rules :)Page 51 of 51    (11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51)
cue the musician jokes :) What do you call a guitarist with no girlfriend? homeless :) but seriously, the few musicians I've known were either looking to connect with people first thru any musical talent found (the most important thing to them), self focused (a guy I worked with wanted a woman with a flat belly, while he lived in his mom's basement wondering how he could become as rich as Ozzy. Now he has ads on Facebook teaching guitar lessons, so at least he's got something going on finally), or trying to live the "sex drugs and rock and roll" lifestyle they think their heroes live (another coworker, sleeping with someone's wife in the camper shell on the back of his pickup during lunchbreaks). perhaps finding a musician not like the above, getting to know them and letting you grow on them, might be key (pun intended). But that requires patience and yes, plenty of women get caught up in the ticking clock. some men, too, since the chances for Down's increases with age of the father.

I want a lot when it comes to a woman's personality and brains. If her appearance is out of my league, then logically, i'm losing in one field but gaining in another. Otherwise, if i'm attracted to her personality but not her figure, then I figure I can just be friends. Why pay for every dinner and plan every romantic date if its a one-way street and I get what I would get if I was a friend and thus there was less stress on me to act the bf? logically, I might as well be a friend, and if their body doesn't turn me on, then i'm not leading them on for the sake of a warm body in my bed. Honestly, if I have to put up with BS and drama and emotions that run from one end of the spectrum to the other end...I just want to be a friend. I don't want to have to explain why I didn't call, why I was a busy doing something I wanted to do rather than sit around listening to her complain about a situation that she could have honestly prevented from having, etc.

For example,I have a female friend right now complaining about her daughter's eventual marriage. The daughter's waited 7 years for a guy making $100,000 to find a ring. His father's accusing her of being a gold digger. well, duh. My friend keeps worrying how the marriage will go, and if there even will be a marriage, if maybe the guy thinks putting a ring on it has stopped the complaining for a while. And meanwhile they are hitting the ex-husband up for $50K to pay for a wedding they could obviously afford, and he's shooting down every venue the daughter wants her perfect wedding to be at. As a mom wanting to be a part of her grown up daughter's life and looking for a new project, she doesn't see how her daughter could have saved up some money over the last 7 years, had control over her own day, maybe dumped this guy for one who really cares enough not to wait 7 years and thus had a better chance for a loving marriage, etc. a friend, I can tune all this out. Were I a bf, i'd have to commiserate more. know what I mean? as a friend I can speak more honestly about how this all appears. Do the same as a bf, and oh boy, I would still be hearing it years from now, that I wasn't on my gf's side in these issues, etc. On the flip side, this friend of mine has a wonderful figure for a 58 yr old woman. So, plenty of guys would put up with all this as "the cost of doing business". You can hate that, or you can say that life's just funny that way. I'll bet there's plenty of things (more than just a raised toilet seat) a woman puts up with when dating an attractive man. I know I've heard the stories. Strong relationships are built on what human nature we forgive. Of course, there are plenty of other times my friend's a wonderful friend, and there's plenty of times I enjoy getting a phone call from her and hearing about a wide range of subjects.

But when she picks this one, I want to either tell the truth or exit stage left. I can do either as a friend, but a bf would be betraying her and her emotions if he does. i'd like to say that's not the way it should be, but honestly...we all know of cases where that is the truth. A sexual relationhip is more of an emotional bond due to chemicals released in the brain so that if the couple becomes parents, they might stick together. As her friend, she tells me personal things she wouldn't tell her sisters, and pays me back the money I lend her faster than she pays back her sisters. But its still not the same relationship as she's had w/ bfs, b/c its built on a different foundation. The platonic intimacy is still wonderful. I get to duck all the extra nonsense in her life. When we go clothes shopping, she takes me b/c she wants me to tell her what makes her ass look fat. Its not a bad deal, taken in a vacuum. Especially since my clock isn't ticking :)

there are things I can do as a friend that I couldn't do as a bf. There are things I can do as a bf (like, have sex and cuddle in the afterglow and know that I must be special to her, b/c we did something she doesn't do to friends) that I can't do as just a friend. Both ways to relate to a woman has their benefits, and their costs. We all try to aim a little bit higher than our league, b/c that's the person worth doing the extra work to get. If a fellow's going to screw up his courage and shell out for a date, well, why not do that for the woman who makes his heart flutter? Plus there's that old saw about a bird in the bush and a bird in the hand...we do take for granted the person we think we can have as a lover, and we do take our family for granted thinking they have no choice to be around, while treating our friends better b/c they can leave us. its just human nature and "prisoner's theory" and other ideas that make us choose what we choose and why we choose it.

what we want or need in a person can change over time, or quickly. The times I've dated someone out of my league, was when they changed what they were looking for, or settled, or I grew on them. They broke up with me what they wanted, changed back, or winter was over so they didn't have to settle anymore, or we were sexually incompatable and they could stick with just being a friend. Its probably how some divorces come about--the partners say they've "Fallen out of love", and I can believe it. They don't hate their ex, they've just seen them in a different light than when they were in the honeymoon phase of a relationship and thought getting engaged would be a great solution to getting out of their parents' house and having a kid to love them.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 1223
view profile
the highs and the lows
Posted: 10/28/2016 12:23:36 PM

Well, a woman SHOULD look for personality and brains rather than just looks.

Nobody At All is ever even remotely implying that one should go for purely just looks. That concept is a total red-herring! :) It's that Regardless of personality, you will need *something* Legitimately there in physical attraction. Otherwise, you'll be barking up the wrong tree (or fooling yourself that it's the right one).

But, are you guys saying that you’re only “truly attracted” to women with these so-called “hot bodies," and that women your own age and fitness level would be “settling”?

No, that point I believe was about being intimidated/stereotyping those with looks that are more than just Attractive, and saying "f- it", and just rolling in that direction and seeing what pans out once in a while. It's an example that sticks out, as to why Settling on looks isn't a good idea, and how it's Not necessary. No, one doesn't have to find a Clear Hottie to the masses. But ruling out great looking people out of intimidation is not honorable at all. Going for Lower looks than oneself for a comfort-zone reasons is anti-honorable. Anti-brownie points. :)

Point is, you should only go in the direction of people in which you have *some* Physically Attracted to, Off The Bat. It doesn't have to be a lot, doesn't have to make you yearn for them at all. Just don't Settle for the sake to "have someone" because you end up liking their persona. You'd be Misusing the Concept. The concept requires there to be Some physical attraction to Feed off of; to amplify as other characteristics will. Even if it's not pulling you in from the get-go. One would only be fooling themselves out of Desperation to "have someone" if there was a natural, clear "NO" to their physicality in the first place, but wanted to Become physically attracted.

That is, you would get to know them and become more attracted based on their personality. It’s not like one day you would think the guy was nasty, and later that day he’s hot.

My point was not necessarily "nasty" or "gross" -- but UNATTRACTIVE. As in your mind saying "NO" on the pure physical front. If it does, then can switch over because of $$, persona, etc -- without their physicality changing at all nor 10 years or so going by -- then one has some emotional issues. Big difference between that and Lacking a lot of physical attraction to draw one in By Itself, BUT when warming up to someone as a person that amps up all their qualities, including physicality, that the Physicality goes from roughly the Neutral Zone -- to definitely Attractive. But they weren't Unattractive in the first place.

Here's something we agree on: Just because you find/see someone as physically attractive, does not mean you're attracted to them. Nor should it be expected with everyone. I mean, you have attraction to them underneath it all, but with some/many, it won't be enough to draw you in nor possibly even Really 'feel' it. But with some, there can be anti-attraction. Like, say, they're an Ex you really don't like. It blocks and overrides the level of attraction on the physicality, moreso in the negative direction. Another example, in your case, is that he's Objectively Hot. The intimidation + assumptions about him not being attracted to you is going to override the physical attraction you see. This lack of draw to him exists Because you Do see him as physically attractive. You're not Feeling the attraction part though, because of the emotional blockades that are front & center (I'd have no chance, he's [this type] because he's great looking in his fancy shirt, he'd at best only want to fool around even If I ever got that chance, etc).

My point is there is a difference between seeing physical attraction & being drawn to someone. If one doesn't want to be in la-la land, they'll need to at least have -some- physical attraction as 'fertilizer' for actual full attraction. Otherwise, one will be like a gay guy who's going out with a girl who meshes well with him, to fit in.

I was talking about getting to know someone a bit (if they have other good qualities) before writing them off based on looks (again, not being repulsed, but in the so/so range).

I agree on the being PICKY about looks, sure. But if your body is writing them off on looks -- don't go there. Require Something there. Now, some people aren't in touch with themselves. They think that if they don't Feel any Pull of attraction in a physical realm, there's no physical attraction. That's not the case. There's those that physically repulse you (no; like that one date you referred to recently), some in which it's Just Not There in looks (again, No, don't go there) -- and some you can see physical attraction there, but no, you're not drawn to them by just looking at them. If you're good-looking hunting at the time or are picky, that'd be a 'no', but for looking for actual Dating potentials -- yeah, that's a-okay! But again, there's something to feed off of. You see he has physical attractive qualities. There's nothing there in Pull, but again, that's different than assessing their looks from the outside looking in.
Joined: 6/10/2015
Msg: 1224
view profile
the highs and the lows
Posted: 10/28/2016 3:01:52 PM
I thought this was an interesting take on the subject, and one I agree with:
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 1225
the highs and the lows
Posted: 10/29/2016 7:10:36 AM
I suspect there's a number of people looking to dating as the answer/solution to other problems. They come home from work, tired from the routine, go online in hopes of finding someone hot enough to chase away the doldrums. Or hot enough to be "proof" that someone thinks they are awesome, if that hot enough chooses them. Or maybe they've achieved what they want in life, but something's missing, oh yeah, the person to share it with. Some people might watch a lot of TV shows and movies, where its "instant attraction", and think that's just how things work. Some people might want to be the love psychic to feel they got a benefit from all their smarts.

Alas, in a tendency to "go out there and find it", we might ignore what life has already brought to our doorstep. if we know what we want in life, we may have already surrounded ourselves with the things we enjoy in life. I used to work with a girl who I didn't find physically attractive, but could see how others did. She thought I was too old for her. but we worked together, got along, and she tried to see me outside of work and get me i'd later find out, that's how she got her bfs. So, who knows. of course, in retrospect, dating a coworker isn't the best choice. but the thing is, we didn't seek each other out, a workplace put us together and we got along well against the company rules. sometimes, a common enemy helps :) lol

Unfortunately, in making a relationship all about what they get out of it, they create an unhealthy situation. a relationship should be about what two people bring to it, and share together.

in the end, maybe it all is about "getting lucky". the fact we exist at all, could be chalked up to the randomness of our ancestors hooking up.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 1226
view profile
the highs and the lows
Posted: 10/29/2016 11:48:26 AM

I agree with a lot of what's said. I think you being uber-picky (which I think underneath it all is related to a 'type' they exude) + no-date-'luck' should take that to heart. Also, what should be emphasized is that it doesn't mean it opens things up where one feels attraction in the negative range. Sometimes it takes some thought about it and self-evaluation, of Not seeing/finding someone attractive VS the neutral-zone (where there are generic attractive qualities and nothing turns one off in any way; potential). When one who is kinda dateless (or on the rebound) finds themselves Trying to be attracted to someone here and there because on paper they seem just fine & dandy -- that's the first clue they're trying to make something out of nothing.

I suspect there's a number of people looking to dating as the answer/solution to other problems. They come home from work, tired from the routine, go online in hopes of finding someone hot enough to chase away the doldrums.

Online or anywhere else -- but yeah, feeling a void being single for too long. Personally, I like being single. I can meet gals when single and go out on some dates, have fun, etc. It makes one more picky for a Relationship -- because being in an actual Relationship by itself is no accomplishment nor anything to be proud of (unless the other's famous? lol), and one who is 100% content single realizes this. Of course, also with wanting to be in a Relationship for the sake of it underneath it all being dangerous, so is wanting to be Single indefinitely due to negative emotions/POV about Relationships after getting burned too much.
Joined: 7/5/2016
Msg: 1227
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/29/2016 11:56:04 AM
I long stopped being focused on height. I am tall, so I think some men can be intimidated by height or strictly want to date short chicks. I once dated a guy who was my height and tried to tell me he didn't want me to heels. He had to go, because I have a great stiletto collection and will not be limited by anyone with an inferiority complex based on height. If I don't judge then he shouldn't either.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 1228
view profile
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 10/29/2016 5:01:19 PM

I once dated a guy who was my height [5'8"] and tried to tell me he didn't want me to heels. He had to go, because I have a great stiletto collection and will not be limited by anyone with an inferiority complex based on height.

Well, to be fair, it may not be an inferiority complex (although that can be exposed based on how he went about the concern). Although many guys wouldn't prefer a gal he's out with being in heels way taller than him -- if she's hot in high heels (like you), he'll take it. Although it would be too much to say No heels at all (more like desiring her to keep them at 2" max when dressing up a bit).

I think one thing is not his inferiority complex, but to prevent an superiority/inferiority complex after many times being out with him. With most of the people one dates, it doesn't result in an LTR. So when the gal who likes to wear heels a lot is the same height flat-footed or a little taller, one of two things is always heard afterwards, when looking back:

1) She claims he had a height issue (to what degree, may or may not be fully the case, due to #2....)

2) Looking back she says one issue was that when she was in heels, she was very noticeably taller than him, which over time made her feel weird as she wasn't taller than a ton of other guys when out with him at the same time. I hear this all the time in retrospect.

With #2, it's not instant, but over time and common. So if/when the guy senses she's losing interest for no reason, I think it's good & natural for him to assume #2 is happening to some degree. It's easy to blame the guy, or when one can't, claim the loss of interest is due to other things (when it just amplified other things due to like lessening). This isn't to say a guy should jump the gun on assumption, even when the betting odds would be solidly in his favor... but it is something to bear in mind, so as long as he isn't making a big issue out of it if brought up early on, I wouldn't jump on him. I've seen some guys walk with their gal who was 3" taller than he, while she not really taller than most guys walking around her. I can understand why gals would feel unideal about it, and over time having an effect on their dating experience.
Joined: 12/13/2015
Msg: 1229
not the last, hopefully there are many more :)
Posted: 11/3/2016 5:18:33 AM
south_city ive been on tinder about 3 years i swipe yes to everyone in hope someone matches and when they do they are either over 60 or transvestites haha
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 1230
view profile
Importance of heigh?
Posted: 11/3/2016 7:47:13 PM
PrettyBrown wrote:

He had to go

OMG....You make it sound a ref tossing a player out of the game. Lol...infraction! Penalty!! *WHistle blowing* The ol' heave ho! You're outta here! Are you wearing ref's stripes when you toss 'em? jDo you also toss a penalty flag prior to informing the poor schlub of his impending doom?!..Can they request a replay review? ;) ;)
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