Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > His rules he wants me to follow...      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 26
His rules he wants me to follow...Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I see a man who is manipulative and controlling. He made all the moves, made all the choices, in his marriage and then when the wife didn't like them she blamed him/ found fault with him. He was wrong and she was right.
THIS time around, no one is going to blame him, or find fault with him, because, damn it, you made the move. You made the choice. You, you, you. HIS rule!
He will never be wrong again!

I couldn't picture myself being attracted to this type of man for a sec. I wouldn't care if he was hot or rich if he opened his mouth and talked to me the way he did to the OP? He would still be standing there as my truck tires hit the pavement!
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 27
view profile
History
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 1:16:43 AM
If you want just a casual affair as you say you do, then I dont think it is all worth the angst and the second guessing that you are doing with this guy. It seems you are not on the same wavelength and I would be moving on. It may be intriguing now but down the track it would all get tedious I feel. He is neurotic.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 28
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 4:17:51 AM
If I EVER heard a guy tell me I had to "follow his rules" I would running for the nearest exit as if I were in a five alarm fire.

Sounds to me like the OP's "potential"could use some time on the couch.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 29
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 6:21:49 AM

"Hey, I just want to get on the same page. First, just to get it out of the way for common sense, I understand you don't want the-same-thing as your ex -- but nobody should base things off an ex and want the opposite. That's, well, lame. (smile) I assume you mean you don't want to have to make every decision and make all the first and second moves? I'm hoping for your sanity's sake here. Look, no game playing. We'll both throw it out there if want to do something and not actually RELY on the other to make 'some move'. It takes two to tango, and we can both feed off each other. If you need to emotionally Rely on some gal to make virtually All the decisions for ya, whether it be a hug or going to the movies, I'm not for you, nor is the dating scene What say you?"

This is how you talk to a normal person who respects you - not the situation at hand, unfortunately.
I imagine what would have happened if I had given my past dates the "My rules" line. I imagine a bewildered look followed by hearty laughter. I would have probably been escorted to the door shortly after.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 30
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 6:38:22 AM
Might as well ask and find out what the rest of the rules are
Does he refer to himself 3rd person?
I think it's a game
Or, you can share your rules with him.
 CarefreeBeauty
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 31
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 6:45:25 AM

Might as well ask and find out what the rest of the rules are


And
you can share your rules with him.


I agree. Very curious about the rest of his 'rules'---you two might have a good laugh! or maybe just you<
On the other hand, if you share with him 'your rules' he might have a good laugh!

Heck, I'm laughing already~

hahah ;-)
 JJBean21
Joined: 8/12/2015
Msg: 32
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 7:11:15 AM
Yep, agree with others. He's angry that he couldn't control his ex wife...I mean he did everything for her, right? She kicked him to the curb for a reason. So now any woman he dates must show him that he's a great guy by initiating, pursuing, etc. etc. etc. He sounds angry. Find someone who isn't angry and can meet you half way at least. That would be my rule. And if it's his way or the highway....I'd be on the road again searching for someone else. He's screwed up.
 Onyx49
Joined: 3/6/2016
Msg: 33
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 7:18:25 AM
OP... I don't understand why if you're so unhappy...you are still with him...are you locked in a basement, or staked to a tree like a dog ???

The man told you point blank the rules he live by, which from what you said...really isn't much of a rule but more like a guideline.

Since the relationship is new and you both have not shed your personal comfort zone...the issue of sexual suggestions seem premature.

If him asking you..."What do you wanna do tonight" is annoying you...just tell him," you can figure out something for us to do, or you can come over and help me clean house" he will get the point...quick !!!
 Whisky_River
Joined: 12/2/2015
Msg: 34
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 7:34:39 AM
I agree, he wants you to make the decision on things because he's worried and doesn't want to take responsibility.
I think you need to communicate how you feel to him.
Tell him....you don't want to make all the decisions and especially something when it comes to having sex.
Should be spontaneous....even though we know who's in control...lol.

Assure him.....you are not the type to do something ....you don't want to!
Maybe.....mention you don't like to be "controlled" and would run at the first sign of it.
I feel....a lot of us go into a new relationship....trying not to make a repeated mistake or what we perceived what might have been the downfall of past relationships.
Be straight up and aware.....my style is to take note of a red flag, mention it in a humorous manner to get my feelings across and see what develops.
Good Luck!
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 35
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 7:55:54 AM
Sounds like a child, with the whole carte blanche "my rule", whenever he feels confronted with having to make a decision.

I imagine it's like everything, men get tired of initiating every single time, just like women would, because it reflects on one-sided interest. Same goes with making plans, if only one person does the planning, does the other person even want to be in the union?

But in your case, he's just gonna lay back and have you run the whole show because he ran the show in his marriage. So he's not changing his approach because he learned that's not the thing to do with a woman (to want to run her life), but because he felt it was too much work and he doesn't want to put in the work.

I'm not buying it. When people are interested in one another, they WANT to do things for each other, no matter how big or small. I just discovered yesterday that my nephew (18 years of age) bought his then girlfriend a Celine handbag that was over 2K. I'm pretty sure she didn't ask for it, he just felt he wanted to do something nice for her and wanted to give her something he felt she deserved. He's not talking about not buying anything for any female again, he will likely do the same thing for another woman who he is really interested in.

The guy in question is just being controlling and manipulative. You should not be inclined to comply with his rules just because they are his rules, if you don't agree with it, speak up!

I can put up with a lot of sh*t in a relationship but having to change who I am, to accommodate your insecurities of past relationships is not one of them. I'm sure that he won't treat another woman the same way he is treating you. I'm getting the impression that he is not interested in you, he is just playing with you and seeing how much he can get away with. Don't fall for it, let life finish raising him, you do not have that obligation.
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 36
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 8:09:08 AM

He wants the woman to "make the first move" especially when it comes to sex. I asked him why he doesn't want to make the first move. And he said, " My rule."


I think your possible partner just put his foot in his mouth. If he could have left his ego out of the equation, this conversation would have been more effective. Many women like the man to take control, make all the decisions so all they have to do is veto. Many men have develop a frustration over this, because instead of getting positive reinforcement from the woman all they have been getting is rejection and negativity. So the man has to read the woman's mind to when she may want sex and this extends then over other areas outside of the bedroom.

So, while many men, do not want to be the ones making EVERY decision, when they then incorporate the woman in the equation do not know how to do it and either relinquish total control, emasculate themselves, or come up with s h i t like the guy in this story did. "My RULE."

So OP, what you need to do is have a dialogue with your guy about what it really meant.

Here's what I did with my partner. She likes me to initiate, I love initiating as well, but sometimes she would like sex when I may not know that she is in the mood. Yet, she still wants me to initiate. Then other times I may be in the mood, but while some times she would welcome my posture of taking control, she may just want to sleep. So we had a talk, in which if she was interested yet didn't want to initiate, all she had to do was give me subtle signals, yet strong enough that I would get the message that she was in the mood, and I would from there take over. Also, when I want to initiate, I would first introduce some subtle signals that if she did not respond, I would get the message without then my ego being hurt or feeling rejected.

Unfortunately these are subjects that most couples do not talk about. And it's only when they have a ton of resentment, sex has gone out the window and they are either ready to cheat on each other or seek an attorney, when they realize that what they needed was a sex therapist and they talked about these type of issues.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 37
view profile
History
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 9:29:14 AM
I agree with the previous poster about how men get weary of women carrying the 'veto' power and yet don't participate actively in planning or initiating a lot of dates and such. Positive reinforcement goes a long, long way - like, 50 years or so.

I have a feeling this guy wanted to change up the dating dynamic a little bit, but his approach is a bit odd to say the least. If you are continuing, have a sit-down with him and get a CLEAR notion what he's looking for in an emotional, spiritual sense. He may be blocking a lot of that out himself, trying to use this 'control' personality to manage the confusion instead of addressing it - so it's probably not going to be easy, and probably requires a lot of patient, active listening from BOTH of you.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 38
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 9:50:57 AM
Why is OP responsible for starting a dialogue, when the guy slaps her with "rules" and refuses to answer her questions? They're not on the same maturity and respect level. OP, please leave immediately.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 39
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 9:53:18 AM
Is this another version of 50 shades of grey ?
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 40
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 10:11:04 AM

Why is OP responsible for starting a dialogue, when the guy slaps her with "rules" and refuses to answer her questions? They're not on the same maturity and respect level. OP, please leave immediately.


The answer to everything is not always to leave. The OP is not "responsible" for starting the dialogue, but if she wants to continue with this guy, because she may like him, it may be worth a shot. Instead of creating adversarial points of view, they both need to see what is the common ground.

She also may want to identify what are the things that she likes and prefers. Many women love the man to take control. But that does not mean that they acquiesce without being asked.
 maybeebaybee1
Joined: 2/12/2016
Msg: 41
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 10:18:33 AM
Well, you had me at "rules" ...

Quite frankly, your post creeped me out a bit -- it sounded a bit like he was trying to hypnotize you with all the "you want to ..."

But if you still really like him, despite this weirdness, proceed with caution. It seems like he could easily become a control freak.
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 42
view profile
History
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 11:36:30 AM

The answer to everything is not always to leave.


Of course not, but it seems advisable given what we know.


The OP is not "responsible" for starting the dialogue, but if she wants to continue with this guy, because she may like him, it may be worth a shot.


Or not. He sounds irreparably damaged.


Instead of creating adversarial points of view, they both need to see what is the common ground.


Common ground doesn't make or break relationships. Unacceptable behavior does. Rules? Yeah, I've got one rule: I never miss the final round of The Masters. I've broken this rule a bunch of times, so everything is negotiable with the right person. This guy sounds unyielding.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 43
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 2:48:41 PM
Very true, Chromis. And because Inner Gorilla talks about not taking women's S H I T and putting women in their place every five minutes, I'm amused that he's not advising OP to do the same with her guy.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 44
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 4:50:57 PM

. And he said, " My rule."


And what should I do....



I really like him. I am attracted to him.


Well, if you really like him, and you are attracted to him, then by all means, follow all of his silly "rules".

He sounds like a real catch.
 Onyx49
Joined: 3/6/2016
Msg: 45
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 5:12:11 PM
I just don't see what he said as rules...I like bottled water at room temperature, never from the frig and I don't go to church every sunday...am I making rules for her or myself.


 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 46
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 5:50:59 PM
So, it is his rule? There you have it. All of the borderlines are putting up a big stink but the OP doesn't need to mess up something that she might like to suit them. All she needs to know is what to do about it.

Answer is simple: Do nothing. Say nothing. It was a mistake to say what he said. Still, if you like him, you don't have to spoil everything out of useless pique.

I don't initiate sex. I won't even discuss it. Sex is out... period. I don't call it a rule exactly. It is more of a disposition. The guy in question doesn't have to be injured by his ex to feel that way. I sure wasn't. He's in his 50s and is maybe past the age where he wants to be bothered with that kind of nonsense. That's how it worked for me. He might have lots of so-called rules but they don't come into play unless you expect something from him.
 JJBean21
Joined: 8/12/2015
Msg: 47
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 6:56:12 PM

I don't initiate sex. I won't even discuss it. Sex is out... period. I don't call it a rule exactly. It is more of a disposition. The guy in question doesn't have to be injured by his ex to feel that way. I sure wasn't. He's in his 50s and is maybe past the age where he wants to be bothered with that kind of nonsense. That's how it worked for me. He might have lots of so-called rules but they don't come into play unless you expect something from him.


Bothered by that nonsense? What? OP said he wants that but wants her to initiate because he doesn't make the first move. This sounds exactly like some dude that I dated. So obviously he expects something from her, right? To follow his so called guidelines...as Onyx stated.
Maybe she should tell him to man up. How's that for an expectation? LOL Who cares who makes the first move.
 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 48
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 7:19:40 PM

OP said he wants that but wants her to initiate because he doesn't make the first move.
The OP only needs to file that under "What's it like to want?" and then never initiate. She has a very easy out. If she doesn't start something then nothing happens. What could be neater than that?


Maybe she should tell him to man up. How's that for an expectation? LOL Who cares who makes the first move.


A woman told me that very thing a few months back. I told her, "No thank you. I think you have mistaken me for a real man."
 JJBean21
Joined: 8/12/2015
Msg: 49
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 7:31:18 PM

A woman told me that very thing a few months back. I told her, "No thank you. I think you have mistaken me for a real man."


Hmmmm.....then what are you ebolakitty? And yes....I agree with you in that if she never initiates then everybody loses...he doesn't get what he wants, but neither does she....assuming she wants to be intimate with him. What clusterfvck when we try to control what others do or don't do.
 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 50
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 8:01:34 PM

Hmmmm.....then what are you ebolakitty?
Not that it really matters to the quality of my advice but I do love to talk about myself... favorite topic, you know. But as long as you ask... I'm the kind of man who isn't down with all of the macho stereotypes. I drink morning coffee from a Hello Kitty mug. I have fresh flowers in vases all over my house. I fuss over my cats. I'm not especially effeminate in looks or manner but I tend to beg off of the normal silverback garbage.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > His rules he wants me to follow...