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 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 51
His rules he wants me to follow...Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

Why is OP responsible for starting a dialogue, when the guy slaps her with "rules" and refuses to answer her questions?

Because she's the one that's confused and wants answers, because she's the one soliciting our advice when she should be talking to the rules guy.

Maybe he is a control freak who's burned out on an ex-wife who only complained about his decisions while providing no input and will never change. Or maybe he's invented these rules to see if she'll initiate... anything and his 'rules' can be re-negotiated.

Personally, I'd ask him if his rules were written in stone or sand.

We can only give superficial advice because we really have only superficial information.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 52
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/6/2016 10:20:02 PM
Ebolakitty reminds of the joke my grandma used to tell me when I was little. "I'll freeze off my ears so that my parents will feel bad that they didn't buy me a hat." I'm not gonna have sex because women are... insert the blank.
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 53
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/7/2016 7:01:59 AM

Very true, Chromis. And because Inner Gorilla talks about not taking women's S H I T and putting women in their place every five minutes, I'm amused that he's not advising OP to do the same with her guy.


This is very cute NJ.

In the end the OP is going to do what the OP wants to do.
I personally think the guy in question has no rules, but because he felt so trampled by his ex that he thinks he can now state his rules. I bet you, if they talk, he my confess to sticking his foot in his mouth.

Now, NJ, yes, I don't put up with crap from women. But that does not mean that I mistreat them or act demanding or impose my will at every breath. I am in a relationship where my partner does things to please me because she wants to please me. And I do things to please her because I want to please her. We have no rules, but common ground and things that we both believe are best for us, our relationship and our sex life.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 54
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/7/2016 9:57:40 AM
The title to this thread, says it all.
It has everything to do with a mind set, an attitude, a frame of mind.
Expectations.
The OP mentioned "sex" as per the conversation with the man in question. However the issue of "sex" such as, who will or will not initiate, is NOT at the forefront of the dynamics between the two. "Sex" is only but ONE thing in a long line/list of what this man perceives to be a potential problem. SEX is not THE subject.

As someone else here pointed out, when one or the person in the beginning, pushes for "following the rules", my way or else, it is emotionally unhealthy, and most often no "talking it over" is going to change ones attitude. To follow "the rules" is a mind set.

A "mind set" I could never look past.

"I don't put up with crap from women."
(LOL, Not once, ever has my BF thought this or said this. He doesn't need to.)

A "mind set" I could never look past.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 55
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/7/2016 10:19:24 AM
He sounds disenchanted and apathetic.

I kinda get where he's coming from though.

Call it The Chase if you want, but it does get old. Expecting men to make the first move.

He's trying to re-write his life script and do things differently.

Kudos for that. I'm kinda the same way. I don't ask for committments anymore. She can ask first. Why? Because that's what didn't work for me in the past.

Just because he's self aware and is doing what works for him, doesn't mean that it works for you.

Now, this guy is giving you his rules. Sounds like the women he meets will have to pay the price for his failed marriage.

We all got baggage at this stage of the game and his is very heavy.

Do you want to help carry THAT?
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 56
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/7/2016 10:31:27 AM
He's on the rebound.
 halcyon_skies
Joined: 7/27/2015
Msg: 57
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/7/2016 3:16:42 PM

So now, he doesn't want to do that anymore. He wants the woman to "make the first move" especially when it comes to sex. I asked him why he doesn't want to make the first move. And he said, " My rule."


OP, if I were in your shoes, I'd ask him if I were allowed to have my own rule. Assuming he didn't say "No, you can't.", I'd tell him that my rule was that I required a balance of mutuality and reciprocity in a relationship.
 flman2015
Joined: 10/3/2015
Msg: 58
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/7/2016 4:06:55 PM
Just a thought....

There is a lot of fun to be had breaking rules ;-) The more rules... the more fun to be had. ;-)
 HereComesYourSun
Joined: 9/7/2015
Msg: 59
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/8/2016 10:05:10 PM
Ok, this made me laugh. What the hell?

since this would confuse me to no end, I think I would just start answering in the third person.
Like, "Noooooo, Herecomesyoursun doesn't want to go to the movie".
Or
"Nooooo, Herecomesyoursun doesn't like your rules", simply because I couldn't handle trying to figure out a correct response to make everyone normal again. Wth.

I'd be gone.
And that's not so great, going and all, but man I'm tired of people wanting to be fixed and then being weird still. I think some people could benefit from being recorded and then playing it back for them.

And YES to unluckyLucy - heed her advise, she's spot on.

IMHO
 Onyx49
Joined: 3/6/2016
Msg: 60
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/9/2016 5:22:04 AM
As, I read through these comments...it's so sad that most of the women here lack the fundamental training to have a successful relationship.
 cassie2425
Joined: 3/4/2016
Msg: 61
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/9/2016 6:18:30 AM
^^^^ I managed 31 years. How's your successful relationship going?

And, if you're not happy and something about the other person gives you pause, go with your gut.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 62
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/9/2016 9:21:04 AM
Rules can make sense and serve to everyone's benefit, or they can be nonsensical and stem from one's psychological issues. I can have a rule that I won't get involved with a man if he won't commit to me - I think it makes sense and serves everyone's well being. I don't need to mess with someone who won't commit to me, and he sure as heck doesn't need me. The rule that a male won't initiate sex, is against human (and all mammal) nature and against common sense. Furthermore, "rules" are not how you communicate with your partner in a relationship. It's how you communicate with little kids, and only in certain situations. OP can certainly walk, and I hope she already did; she will find someone more functional, but her guy will keep weirding out and scaring away woman after woman. Certainly, when a woman makes up rigid rules that only serve her need to create rules rather than help build the relationship - she is the one who will scare off and weird out man after man.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 63
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/9/2016 9:47:08 AM


I don't need to mess with someone who won't commit to me, and he sure as heck doesn't need me. The rule that a male won't initiate sex, is against human (and all mammal) nature and against common sense.


Does someone actually ask for the commitment? Who? You or him? When?

It really isn't so simple and perhaps one of the most delicate issues when dating.

Some women have no problem being assertive about initiating sex, so the gent in this case will eventually meet them.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 64
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/9/2016 9:51:56 AM
I don't need the question, or answer, to be spelled out. Certainly, if I had no nonverbal communication abilities, my relationship chances would be doomed. :-)

VVV
This just means that he doesn't want, or need, a relationship. There are people like that and no one is forcing them to change. But, I imagine, he approached OP desiring to date her. Therefore, it's not just about his rules - it's about her, too.

As Chromis said earlier, his problem is his way of presenting his preferences rather than whatever actual preferences he may have.
 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 65
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/9/2016 9:51:56 AM

The rule that a male won't initiate sex, is against human (and all mammal) nature and against common sense...OP can certainly walk, and I hope she already did; she will find someone more functional, but her guy will keep weirding out and scaring away woman after woman.


What if that threat isn't enough to make him initiate? What should be done to him to force his compliance? For that matter. what should happen to the OP, if she defies you and enjoys his company in spite of his failure to initiate?
 Blackwood85
Joined: 5/20/2013
Msg: 66
view profile
History
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/9/2016 9:55:24 AM
NEVER initiating sex though is weird, I'm not aggressive at all but I will make the first move and initiate sex when I feel like it, doesn't sound like a fun guy to be around.
 Nancy990
Joined: 3/27/2016
Msg: 67
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/9/2016 3:58:38 PM
Well...thank you for all of your replies. I decided to walk. Mr. Rule Maker is not over his ex. And yes, he thinks he can say anything or act any way he wants. Like Dr.Jekyl & Mr. Hyde, he can be very nice. But I have noticed that he doesn't have a whole lot of filters...nor does he care. But then...he's always the victim. No thanks.
 Onyx49
Joined: 3/6/2016
Msg: 68
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/9/2016 4:08:02 PM
OMG...I'm sure he's somewhere reading the bible and thankful his headache is gone....
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 69
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/9/2016 7:53:17 PM
Nancy990- Thank GOD! I want to do a happy dance.
You are well rid of him.
Shake this off and be happy. :)
Pay no mind to onyx, when it comes to women and what he thinks is "their place", There's a DeLorean waiting outside to pick him up and take him back to 1950, where his kind of thinking about women belongs.
 JJBean21
Joined: 8/12/2015
Msg: 70
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/9/2016 8:11:52 PM

OMG...I'm sure he's somewhere reading the bible and thankful his headache is gone....


Sweetheart Onyx...OP wasn't the headache. The dude is/was his own headache and worst enemy. Any guy that has to be that caustic shouldn't be on a dating site of even interacting with women. He obviously hates women. It's his way or the highway? And OP took the highway. He's relieved that she's gone? He's probably crying on his mommy's shoulder about another "****" who just didn't see things HIS way....waa waa waa....just like his EX. I can hear him now...." They're all like her, mommy"!!

I'd tell him to go to Helen Wait. She'd see things HIS way I am sure. LOL
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 71
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/9/2016 8:38:52 PM


It's his way or the highway?


This is funny.

Reminds of a text exchange I had with a gal before a date had been set.

She says she requires 1 phone call before meeting.

I tell her I do 1 phone call but only 1.

She replied...Laying down the law already?

Hmm, no. She was the one that insisted on 1 phone call first.

hahahahahaha

vvvvvvv

Science is involved?

See, I figured if we both laughed that chemistry would naturally happen. Go figure...
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 72
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/9/2016 8:44:13 PM

She says she requires 1 phone call before meeting.

That's the freaking thing, you don't REQUIRE anything. You request, and make sure you do it nicely...
There is an article in the latest Time Magazine, which is titled This Factor Is Key to Your Attractiveness, and the author puts it so well - it's about reading the other person and working with them, not ordering them around.

Citation:

"It has to do with your emotions

Humans are drawn to one another for countless reasons, and the fact that we’re often drawn to people who seem to “get us” emotionally is now borne out by a new study published in the journal PNAS: We are attracted to people whose emotions we can easily understand—and that may be due in part to matching neural circuitry.

“Being able to comprehend another person’s intentions and emotions is essential for successful social interaction,” says study author Silke Anders, a professor of Social and Affective Neuroscience at the University of Lübeck. “To accomplish a common goal, partners must understand and continuously update information about their partner’s current intentions and motivation, anticipate the other’s behavior, and adapt their own behavior accordingly.”

http://time.com/4280521/what-causes-attraction/
 HereComesYourSun
Joined: 9/7/2015
Msg: 73
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/10/2016 10:37:11 PM
Good Nancy.
I'm happy to hear you didn't get all into it with him.

People who are endless victims are hell to be with.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 74
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/11/2016 7:04:17 AM
I'm glad that nightmare is over, there's nothing like having someone impose something on you and expecting it to be okay.

Always beware of timing, if it's been too soon after their previous relationship ended, more than likely, you're dealing with someone who is rebounding. Rebound relationships do not usually work out, because your mind was not in the right place when you decided to be with that person, and you likely did it due to comfort and familiarity.

If its been too soon, give them time, if their head is in the right place, then you give them a chance. With this gentleman, he was obviously rebounding as the basis for all his rules were basically to try to fix what he thinks went wrong with his ex wife. It's one thing to have a protocol but another to base your protocol on what went wrong or right in your previous relationships. One has to remember that that relationship didn't work out, so it may be time to change things around, not do a whole 360.

Now that you've gone through this, try to make it a point to learn when their last relationship ended, so that you know how to approach the situation.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 75
view profile
History
His rules he wants me to follow...
Posted: 4/11/2016 10:10:41 AM

If him asking you..."What do you wanna do tonight" is annoying you...just tell him," you can figure out something for us to do, or you can come over and help me clean house" he will get the point...quick !!!


I like this answer and probably would have stuck to it until I had all my spring yard work done and my storm windows replaced.

Him: What do you want to do tonight Carol Ann?
Me: I want you to come over seal my driveway and rototill the flower beds. Then you can take me out to dinner.
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