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 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 151
People who have been single most of their lives.Page 7 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

(Msg 153): You don't realize that single people are now the majority in the USA.


I don't know how that can be accurately measured. There are a lot of people in common-law relationships. So technically, they are single. There are people getting married and others getting divorced on a daily basis, so the number of married people and newly single people via divorce changes constantly. Then there are people who have some sort of commitment ceremony that's not recognized by the U.S./western world Christian government, but in their faith/beliefs, it's equivalent to a government approved marriage-but they will still be considered single. It's like going to a river and trying to figure out how many fish are currently swimming in it. Actually, marriage is like fishing, since you need a license from the government to legally do either activity.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 9/15/2015
Msg: 152
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/13/2016 9:46:54 AM

I've been partnered up most of my adult life.

Being asked what I do for fun? My brain immediately thinks...alone or with someone?

I envy the folks that can travel alone and not be phased by the couples around them.


I have been single most of my adult life, though I have been in some sort of relationship most of my life. The total time I spent not dating was about 8 years. BTW, I think of a LAT relationship as dating, and I added together the total time not dating anyone. About 6 years I didn't date anyone because I didn't have a desire to date anyone.

I have traveled extensively alone, as a married couple, with GFs. More rarely with friends and even more rare with other couples as a group.

I have never traveled in an organized tour, though they are very popular with singles.

Who you travel with (or by yourself) determines a lot of your activities. So don't do activities that are designed for couples, you won't be phased by their absence. A few things I have done totally alone, as in Valentine's day dinner and amusement parks, suck when you are alone. But other things are more of an adventure by yourself.


Maleman999 Msg: 158
I don't know how that can be accurately measured.


How accurate do you need it to be?
 cassie2425
Joined: 3/4/2016
Msg: 153
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/13/2016 9:51:12 AM
Moraima - you came here to date, just like me and everyone else. You came to find a partner, 11 years ago. I really don't care why you are still here. So if you came here 11 years ago to find a date or a partner, were you doing so because you were insecure? No, I didn't think so. So when you generalize about others, we comment on it.


If I was to meet a man who could be in a relationship, but maintain his own residence while I do the same, whom I was interested in, I would give it a try. One of the first things I say to man who is interested in me is "you need to know that I am not interested in a live in relationship".


This is EXACTLY what I told the OP to do and to put it right up front in her profile. This is the intelligent thing to do. Say "I want to marry" or "I want to live together, don't need to marry" or "I want a committed relationship but keep our own homes and lives somewhat separate". WTF is so hard about that.


Some people cannot handle opinions that challenge everything they believe as truth. Many have never questioned their own motivation for their actions, and here you go introducing an idea that is so foreign (to them), that they can't even wrap their heads around it."


And please - this works both ways. I have said many, many times on here - do what works for you. If you want to call those that choose to co-hab or marry "insecure", you'll get challenged. Moraima is not wrong by any means about how she chooses to live - alone, childless...whatever. But those who don't choose to live like her are not insecure, don't know know who they are, are afraid of being alone and all the other b.s. she spouted. Her likes/dislikes/normal is different than mine and Belle's and Dayna's and Halcyon's and anyone else who has posted on here. We are not clones.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 12/24/2015
Msg: 154
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/13/2016 10:32:07 AM

This is EXACTLY what I told the OP to do and to put it right up front in her profile. This is the intelligent thing to do. Say "I want to marry" or "I want to live together, don't need to marry" or "I want a committed relationship but keep our own homes and lives somewhat separate". WTF is so hard about that.


But... but... You all are the only ones who can see her profile. And people on the forums rarely ask her to cohabitate ;)
 Nth_degree1111
Joined: 9/16/2009
Msg: 155
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/13/2016 10:38:03 AM
This is what Moraima said:


Like their insecurity demands they have a partner so that they aren't alone, or other people don't see them as single. Afraid to learn who they are, and uncomfortable with themselves. Unable to live alone because they can't face themselves.


I agree with this. There are a lot of weak people who seek relationships to hide from the harsh realities of life. My problem is that too many people believe this of pretty much everyone who seeks a close, committed, deeply involved relationship. I am extremely self-aware, independent, capable, etc, but have been painted with same brush as those who aren't
 Hair2day_gone2morrow
Joined: 4/7/2016
Msg: 156
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/13/2016 10:45:33 AM

I agree with this. There are a lot of weak people who seek relationships to hide from the harsh realities of life. My problem is that too many people believe this of pretty much everyone who seeks a close, committed, deeply involved relationship. I am extremely self-aware, independent, capable, etc, but have been painted with same brush as those who aren't

I think those w/ healthier boundaries well be recognized by others in the same category & hopefully not painted the wrong way.
 call_me_tater
Joined: 12/30/2014
Msg: 157
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/13/2016 2:49:26 PM
Whatsamattababy,
Find any helpful info in all this?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 158
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/13/2016 2:55:44 PM

If I was to meet a man who could be in a relationship, but maintain his own residence while I do the same, whom I was interested in, I would give it a try. One of the first things I say to man who is interested in me is "you need to know that I am not interested in a live in relationship".


There are and have been a lot of people who expressed an interest in having this type of relationship with this living arrangement of living in separate homes, which is fine if that's what people want. But how many people here have actually had that kind of arrangement with a life long partner, and are glad they never lived together and maintained separate residences the entire time-especially if part of the commitment was getting married? How many people have parents who love each other, are committed to each other and the family they raised together, but never lived together, meaning you had two separate homes to go to? At the other end of the spectrum, how many people see nothing wrong with raising kids while the parents live apart, even though the parents love each other and have a good, committed relationship/marriage, but just couldn't tolerate living together? If you believe in the concept of LAT, there should be no problem showing your kids, even while raising them, that it can be done and is a viable life style choice.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 159
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/13/2016 3:52:09 PM
Message 165

You are quoting me. I assume you are actually speaking generally.

"At the other end of the spectrum, how many people see nothing wrong with raising kids while the parents live apart, even though the parents love each other and have a good, committed relationship/marriage, but just couldn't tolerate living together?"

As I don't do children, this doesn't apply to me. I think I could only have children while being married, but it isn't something that I have had to deal with.

Not having children make not having a live in relationship far more doable.
 HawkingJr
Joined: 4/16/2007
Msg: 160
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/13/2016 4:02:20 PM
“I also agree that there are many who are afraid of self awareness and the personal growth that only happens when single.”

I think being single (and dateless) for 95% of my post-pubescent life has given me quite enough “personal growth,” and I’m so “self-aware” that I’m practically in a relationship with myself.

“It now seems weird to me that many people's focus is totally on being partnered. Like their insecurity demands they have a partner so that they aren't alone, or other people don't see them as single. Afraid to learn who they are, and uncomfortable with themselves. Unable to live alone because they can't face themselves.”

I feel like a lot of this comes down to what you feel like is the purpose of life, what the purpose is of our existence – why are we here? 100 years from now, every single one of us is going to be dead, a rotting corpse in the ground or ashes in the air, being recycled by Mother Nature. Unless there really is a heaven, nothing any of us has done will amount to a hill of beans in the vastness of eternal timespace. So why do you even bother carrying on? What makes you even want to bother? What motivates you to live?

Halycon’s response to the above quote was most poignant: “Wow, if everyone had your attitude, most people wouldn't have bothered getting married or starting families in the first place.” We are each only here because a couple other people felt as if someone else deserved this misery. We didn’t ask to be brought into this existence – we were forced into it. Then we were socialized to believe our surroundings were normal and worth surviving. At some point if we survive long enough, we come to a crossroads: we can either be like our parents or we can be something else. But it doesn’t matter which route you take, because it won’t change a goddamn thing about your fate or anyone else’s. So what is the bloody point?

There is none. Partner up, don’t partner up, do whatever distracts you from the cold clammy hands of death that awaits us all, or stop with the distractions and enjoy its trembling embrace.
 call_me_tater
Joined: 12/30/2014
Msg: 161
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/13/2016 5:16:13 PM
Hawking, that was beautiful :)
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 12/24/2015
Msg: 162
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/13/2016 5:40:23 PM

Find any helpful info in all this?


Thank-you for asking. I haven't perused the long posts yet, but did consider the more diplomatic and shorter posts that suggested a fear of closeness. Not sure about that for myself, though.

Also, based on the responses here it would seem that some women desire a similar arrangement, but not men so much. (Granted, this is a pretty small and select sample of people.)

Also, some of the posts have reaffirmed that some people around here can get pretty heated about people who don't share the same preferences as themselves - as though different preferences must mean someone is right and someone wrong.
 Onyx49
Joined: 3/6/2016
Msg: 163
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/13/2016 6:12:59 PM
you like being ruffed up...if I didn't just get my teeth cleaned...I'd cuss you out....
 Hair2day_gone2morrow
Joined: 4/7/2016
Msg: 164
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/14/2016 6:10:46 AM

Moraima, its all cognitive dissonance. Some people cannot handle opinions that challenge everything they believe as truth. Many have never questioned their own motivation for their actions, and here you go introducing an idea that is so foreign (to them), that they can't even wrap their heads around it.

You've been here long enough to know that the forums do not thrive on extreme opinions, its sort of Group Think for the most part, and you'll have to measure just how much opposition you want to handle.

I totally concur with the basis of your analysis, because it is founded in psychology. There are many people who have no idea who they are outside of a relationship, because they do not feel adequate unless partnered. Their identity relies on outside sources (family, friends, significant other). They have no idea what they really like/dislike, what they're into, what they want to do in life, because all of those things are tied and dependent upon someone/something outside of them. Like extroverts and introverts, one seeks energy of others to measure their own, and the other seeks it in themselves.

This is awesome. I lived single for sooo many years & at the end LOVED it--- so much autonomy. For the last 7 months, I have been partnered & at times it can be stressful, other times joyful. When a person is alone for a long time, they do become "themselves" & can be a "difficult" partner down the road. So much self-introspection after all those years. There are advantages & disadvantages to each situation & IMO each individual gets to decide which they want. But how can anyone be honest w/ another human being if they can't be honest w/ themselves?
 Hair2day_gone2morrow
Joined: 4/7/2016
Msg: 165
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/14/2016 7:07:47 AM
Belle's post was so amazing, I shared it with a friend who said:

"I like my autonomy and I like my decisions are wrapped up in me and not somebody else's time table, schedule, life."

It is not easy, IMO, but do-able to maintain some autonomy while in a LTR. Both parties must be flexible.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 166
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/14/2016 7:17:14 AM
Matching libidos would help the autonomous crowd immensely.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 167
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/14/2016 11:25:40 AM

I’m so “self-aware” that I’m practically in a relationship with myself.


As long as you're both OK with the height thing, you two should be very happy together. ;)


100 years from now, every single one of us is going to be dead, a rotting corpse in the ground or ashes in the air, being recycled by Mother Nature.


You left out the cryonics option.


the cold clammy hands of death


"Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape".
 caballerosiempre
Joined: 12/5/2015
Msg: 168
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/14/2016 11:46:26 AM
So as usual the thread devolves to, "I am right, you're wrong!"..; " No, you're wrong!"..my dad is stronger than your dad..
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 169
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/14/2016 12:30:24 PM


^^ don't u have a saying u have used in here at least 2 times, about don't attribute something to something when it just boils down to stupidity?


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanlon%27s_razor

Hanlon's Razor:

Hanlon's razor is an aphorism expressed in various ways including "never assume bad intentions when assuming stupidity is enough", "never assume malice when stupidity will suffice", and "never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity". It recommends a way of eliminating unlikely explanations for a phenomenon (a philosophical razor).

 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 170
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/14/2016 12:32:56 PM

We didn’t ask to be brought into this existence – we were forced into it. Then we were socialized to believe our surroundings were normal and worth surviving. At some point if we survive long enough, we come to a crossroads: we can either be like our parents or we can be something else. But it doesn’t matter which route you take, because it won’t change a goddamn thing about your fate or anyone else’s. So what is the bloody point?

There is none. Partner up, don’t partner up, do whatever distracts you from the cold clammy hands of death that awaits us all, or stop with the distractions and enjoy its trembling embrace.


Now put this into some dialogue in a character and you may end up with something as profound as Death of a Salesman. Kudos.
 HealthySkeptic
Joined: 8/3/2010
Msg: 171
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Posted: 4/15/2016 11:41:05 AM
Hello, everyone. New to the forums, but I have been lurking.

I have just got out of a 5 plus year relationship that ended for these very reasons. So I get to stay on topic (sorta) and still talk about my favorite subject (you guessed it: me).

Things started ok, I lived with my son full time and she had her son full time. We had no desire to blend families. She worked shift-work, we normally saw each other only once or twice a week, and took some holidays together. We both considered ourselves a committed and monogamous couple. I did eventually start hoping that things would slowly progress to more, though. My son went out on his own after finishing university about a year ago, and her son will be finished his education soon.

Over time it became clear that we both wanted different things for our future. I want to eventually cohabit. I want to share a home, share the effort it takes to make it a nice inviting home for both our families and friends to visit. Share the pride and joy of maintaining a nice home, yard and garden. I want to co-host when we entertain, have barbecues on the deck and a fire in the fire-pit. I want to frequently cook together, eat together, sleep together, wake up together. If this make me insecure, clingy, or lacking in self-awareness, then so be it. It is who I am.

But I do not want "24/7" or "joined at the hip". Using these terms to describe cohabitation is just perpetuating the polarization in this thread. We would have our own jobs, independent interests and activities.

My ex-gf wanted her independence. Her own home, her own kitchen, her own garden and yard. She had had a long marriage in which she felt trapped and controlled. Her divorce was long, drawn out and high conflict. It was very, very hard on her. She is completely estranged from her step-children, who she looked after for 20 years. She is afraid of that pain happening again, and determined not to get in a situation where that could happen again. It is who she is.

I tried for a long time to convince myself that I was ok with a LAT relationship, but I was just deceiving myself, and that put a strain on me and the relationship. So, we split up. The OP once started a thread about "Broken heart or broken ego". I think this is harder on my ego than my heart, I can't help but feeling rejected. I think if the "right man" came along, things would be different. I am not that "right man." It is hard on my self-esteem.

This is possibly one of the most important things that determines long term compatibility (after mutual attraction and compatible core values). When I start dating again, I will definitely put something in my profile to indicate that cohabitation is a long term goal. Hopefully without sounding clingy, insecure, or desperate.

Anyhoo, back to the OP's favorite topic. The OP wrote this (my bolding):

I've had this before but for others the norm seems to be to "take things to the next level". I don't want to, or at least might want to but really really slowly, and by that time the other person has lost interest, and my poor little heart gets broken


OP, you are over a decade younger than me. You could look for a man like I was, with kids at home full time, who does not want any changes to his family living situation until the kids are out of the house. This could buy you a lot of time, to move "really, really slowly." Have lots of sleepovers, cook together, vacations together. Determine if you can share a kitchen, share house work and yard work, share entertaining. Once you figure out these things, you could also find some unorthodox eventual "semi-cohabitation" solutions. A duplex with door connecting residences, or a house with a suite. Or just a big house with lots of room for your own space.

In any event, good luck, OP. By the way, I think you are hilarious, and I share some of your opinions on social justice issues. I am a fan.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 172
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 12:02:48 PM


I think if the "right man" came along, things would be different. I am not that "right man." It is hard on my self-esteem.


Another variation of...They want a relationship, but not with you.

Yeah, it sucks. About as bad as being rejected for marriage but not dinners and sex. I've touched on this before, but SOME women are just looking for occasional committed romance (aka dinners and sex).

Many folks are proud to become established by themselves finally without the help of another, and will NEVER risk sharing their stuff.

I've met a few mortgage poor home owners that only needed entertainment directors.

5 years? I think she liked the convenience of it all. Sorry you spent 5 years on that person.

I see more of the happily single older women now more then ever. Thing is, they're seeking a relationship with a man that will liberate them from their past. You know, provide that Eat, Prey and Love experience.

Or, they're seeking a man with more then they have. Ya know, the nasty asset/liability approach to compatibility thingy.

Shaming someone as clingy for not wanting to be alone is utter horse sh!t too.

But hey! Inquiring minds gotta know. Did you exchange I Love You's already? I can't imagine not saying that by the 5 year mark and if you both did?

Whole thing sounds false on her end.

YMMV
 HealthySkeptic
Joined: 8/3/2010
Msg: 173
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 1:28:55 PM
Hi Clooney...



Another variation of...They want a relationship, but not with you..


Actually, I really do think that she was quite happy with me. The whole "if the right man came along" thing is mostly in my head, my own insecurity. She was quite committed to our relationship, I was at all her family dinners, we vacationed together, she took me to meet her family in Europe, introduced me to her neighbors and friends and so on. She just didn't want to lose the security of having her own place, and didn't want to feel controlled again. So, we just wanted different things.



Sorry you spent 5 years on that person..


While we both had children at home, and didn't want to blend families, it worked quite well. We had many good times. We both met while divorcing after 20 plus year marriages, and we helped each other get through some tough times. We were both basket cases, and our relationship helped us both get sane again. So I don't regret it. We should have ended it sooner, though.


But hey! Inquiring minds gotta know. Did you exchange I Love You's already? I can't imagine not saying that by the 5 year mark and if you both did?

Whole thing sounds false on her end.


We did love each other, and did say so frequently. I think she would be very happy to have me as the man in her life, long term, perhaps lifetime, if only I could be satisfied with a LAT. So I really don't feel that there was anything false on her end. Again, we just wanted different things.

I want to start dating again, and it does discourage me to see so many women who "want to date but nothing serious" or who do want long term but not want to eventually cohabit.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 174
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 1:37:52 PM


I want to start dating again, and it does discourage me to see so many women who "want to date but nothing serious"


I see lots of that too.

I usually don't write women, but there was one on my Meet Me thingy and I was bored.

I asked her out to a trivia night at a pub.

Her immediate response was...That would be fun but just to let you know, I'm talking to 3 other men right now.

I replied that was too much information and we can go Dutch.

She apologized for the awkwardness and we had a decent time until she ordered a sampler platter to share with me.

I didn't eat any of it and left shortly afterwards.

I got a text the next day that we should be friends only, and go another trivia night. I didn't respond.

The first line on my profile says..If you're casually dating or not looking for anything serious, we can go Dutch.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 175
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 2:12:51 PM


It now seems weird to me that many people's focus is totally on being partnered. Like their insecurity demands they have a partner so that they aren't alone, or other people don't see them as single.
Wow, if everyone had your attitude, most people wouldn't have bothered getting married or starting families in the first place.

I don't think it's a bad attitude, it's critical of some people's attitudes -- where it's as if one's not Complete without an [insert-here] "partner". It's much the same as being in love with being in love. I would say That feeling/POV, yes, Is an insecurity. How bad/troubling of an insecurity that it is should be the debate, when one has that POV.

In fact, you probably wouldn't be here today.

To be fair, many people are born out of not-the-best-relationships. By this rationale, if one was born out of not-good relationship, one shouldn't ditch the idea of a bad relationship, because, well, "you wouldn't be here today if it weren't for those"! :)

Get married young and have multiple children - many women and men in that situation have little time for self awareness or personal growth. They are too busy working to raise the children. Then working to educate them.

Many certainly will personally grow in many ways raising kids. Sometimes it puts people in position to be a better person, to set a better example, where they may have been lacking otherwise. It's not Necessary of course -- and there's definitely other ways to personally grow -- much like particular careers that would be too much if they had to raise a kid. But personally growing in several other directions thru other experiences they can't (fully) have much of their life, most will miss out on until later on in life, if able to. Some will call it sour grapes, some not so much because they've switched gears into a different lifestyle.

There are of course, many happily married people, but there are also many happily single people. Just as there are many unhappy married people and many unhappy single people..

True. I think what some conditioned people will believe, is that the full-circle happiness is being with someone (as long as they're not explicitly a Bad match)... where being happily single, they'll believe although it beats an explicitly Bad relationship, it's something Insufficient. Which yes, like you, I chuckle at, because there's no basis for it.

Personally, I don't believe you CAN get back what you lost in with a particular person. You can maybe get something different, maybe something equally delightful, but not that.

True, regardless of single/taken. Whether it be with someone else contently, or when happy being single.

I saw nobody attacking your choice

Attack's too strong a word, but putting it down, Yes. Not intentionally, but that's neither here nor there. If one's saying being happily single for an extensive period is lacking something in life, it may not be an attack, but it's putting it down -- and thus, some will defend it by pointing out the flaws of "one's not truly complete until they're in an LTR at some point". And that is more-or-less what the POV of some boils down to -- otherwise, there wouldn't be much debate in the thread. :)

Society’s now believes it's become legitimate and viable to be single for a long period of time.

See? :) It's knocking being single over a long period of time -- as if you're lacking something if you are. That's been the negative. Society's more come to its senses that being single is A-OK. Maybe too many episodes of the Kardashians finally made people see the light. ;)

I have been single most of my adult life, though I have been in some sort of relationship most of my life.

Playing zone, not man-to-man, in the dating scene. Nice! ;)

There are a lot of weak people who seek relationships to hide from the harsh realities of life. My problem is that too many people believe this of pretty much everyone who seeks a close, committed, deeply involved relationship.

One should seek a close, committed, deeply involved relationship -- with someone they've Already been Dating. One who seeks such being 100% single, with an ideal desire for [insert-person-here] is the one with the insecurity. It may not make them so much "weak" if it's not affecting their happiness or choices much when single/not-taken, but then again, people who don't sit back and objectively think about this concept really won't know (but that's what the forums are for!). :)
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