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 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 176
People who have been single most of their lives.Page 8 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

H.S:
She is afraid of that pain happening again, and determined not to get in a situation where that could happen again....
We did love each other, and did say so frequently. I think she would be very happy to have me as the man in her life, long term, perhaps lifetime, if only I could be satisfied with a LAT.


This does not compute. How can there be true love without trust? She wants a LAT relationship to prevent the emotional pain and heartache she had in the previous relationship, so she's focusing on preventative measures for the next time, if it happens. That doesn't sound like true love to me. It sounds like too much baggage for my liking. I guess that would be equivalent to some people wanting a pre-nup agreement before marrying, and other who are against it, saying it's planning for divorce.
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 177
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 2:42:07 PM
Interesting and thoughtful perspectives from all you men out there. Keep the dialogue going; I am learning to see life from a male perspective. Not many men open up and talk. Thank you.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 178
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 2:46:52 PM
I am wondering why for 5 years it was groovy but then you wanted to live together. Empty nest now? Worried about growing old?
I'd not co hab with Vin Diesel.
 CarefreeBeauty
Joined: 5/30/2014
Msg: 179
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 2:56:58 PM
H Skeptic---
She just didn't want to lose the security of having her own place, and didn't want to feel controlled again. So, we just wanted different things.


I think a lot of women feel this way. I do<
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 180
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 3:09:37 PM
HealthySkeptic...


We both met while divorcing after 20 plus year marriages, and we helped each other get through some tough times. We were both basket cases, and our relationship helped us both get sane again.


Maybe it wasn't a matter of the 'right man' but more a matter of the 'right time'. Since she went from a 20 year marriage into a LAT relationship with you, maybe she needs to know that she can be independent.
 HealthySkeptic
Joined: 8/3/2010
Msg: 181
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 3:21:34 PM

maleman:
This does not compute. How can there be true love without trust? She wants a LAT relationship to prevent the emotional pain and heartache she had in the previous relationship, so she's focusing on preventative measures for the next time, if it happens. That doesn't sound like true love to me. I guess that would be equivalent to some people wanting a pre-nup agreement before marrying, and other who are against it, saying it's planning for divorce.


I think I see your point about true love and trust. Going through a difficult marriage and traumatic divorce is going to cause some damage to our psyche (baggage, I guess we call it here). I have my own baggage with respect to love and trust. While I am wanting to have a LTT (live together, together :-) relationship, and hope it lasts a lifetime, I will never "trust" that it will last a lifetime. I can love someone, and trust that they have my/our best interests at heart. But I can not be certain that it will be "to death do us part".

I am nearing retirement, I will have little opportunity to make up for another big financial hit. If I ever do start living with someone, I would certainly make sure that we both will have the financial security we would need if we do split up. This would require some discussing, planning, and yes, probably some sort of contract. So I guess I too would be "focusing on preventative measures for the next time." But I believe I could still love and trust my partner. As Clooney says, YMMV.
 HealthySkeptic
Joined: 8/3/2010
Msg: 182
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 3:56:41 PM

ouija:
I am wondering why for 5 years it was groovy but then you wanted to live together. Empty nest now? Worried about growing old?
I'd not co hab with Vin Diesel.


While we had our own families, yes it was "groovy." Like I said earlier though, we should have ended it sooner. It did take a while for us to both realize what we each wanted. And then it was hard to end it...

And yeah, I like having a home with a family in it. And yes, I would prefer not to grow old alone. I don't think I am unique in this, although it looks like I am part of a minority.

I am not quite certain about the Vin Diesel thing. I assume you mean you'd not co hab with anyone? There is nothing wrong with that at all. It takes a certain inner strength that I admire, actually.
 HealthySkeptic
Joined: 8/3/2010
Msg: 183
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 4:28:57 PM

CarefreeB:
I think a lot of women feel this way. I do<


I am certainly beginning to see that. This is discouraging. Very appropriate user name by the way. I have read some of your poetry.

Are there any women out there who like the idea of eventually living together? Perhaps you can chime in, or I may need antidepressants.


ufo:
Maybe it wasn't a matter of the 'right man' but more a matter of the 'right time'. Since she went from a 20 year marriage into a LAT relationship with you, maybe she needs to know that she can be independent.


She did buy a house all on her own, and had some major work done to it, takes her car in for repair herself, and many other things. I think she knows that she can be independent, she really enjoys and is proud of her independence. And wants to maintain it. Nothing wrong with that.

Hey Op, sorry for hijacking your thread, though it is sorta on topic...
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 184
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 5:15:13 PM
I have heard and read from some 50+ individuals that it really is about money/assets at that point.

The days of building a nest together so to speak are done.

Everybody's planting stakes in the ground.

My buddy's dad met and re-married again. They both had separate homes.

She agreed to rent her place out when she moved in with him.

Well, let's just say she's dragging her feet now and is still paying her mortgage with her money.

Nothing from her is being contributed to his/their home at the moment.

I don't see this situation improving any time soon.

VVVVVVV

She decided to NOT RENT OUT HER HOME. She's still paying for her mortgage.

It has become a major sticking point for them.
 crook_catcher
Joined: 1/27/2016
Msg: 185
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 5:27:30 PM

Nothing from her is being contributed to his/their home at the moment.


I can understand how once you get up into your 50-60's it becomes prudent to watch out for yourself if you start a relationship and both are home owners. Tough to start from scratch again at that age bracket if things dont work out and you're the one that has to hit the bricks. imo

However if she's living in his home I would think that at least an equitable split on household bills...lights..water..etc. don't know the specifics obviously but I would think she is making a little profit off the rental of her home so doubtful it would actually cost her out of pocket?
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 186
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 5:30:45 PM
HS - idk, lived with someone for a Lifetime.. had to adapt to living alone. Can't picture myself living with someone again. But, if she is a good woman and you love each other, why not wait awhile> She might change her mind.
I know an old couple who are living together.. it was fine for awhile now the health issues make splitting time between their two places taxing.
I guess if he had a castle in Spain and I could finally own a mini horse - nah
 HealthySkeptic
Joined: 8/3/2010
Msg: 187
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 6:56:50 PM

Clooney:
I have heard and read from some 50+ individuals that it really is about money/assets at that point.

The days of building a nest together so to speak are done.

I don't know, I think that it should be relatively easy to protect money/assets with an appropiate cohab agreement. You have to be careful if you are nearing retirement, certainly. And living together should certainly be cheaper than maintaining two households, so both should benefit financially. I suspect it has more to do with independence and freedom than money.


She decided to NOT RENT OUT HER HOME. She's still paying for her mortgage.

I can sympathize with her a bit. Moving in together is a huge step, and renting out your home to strangers and becoming a landlord is not for everyone. I could see a few months of maintaining both homes, but not as a permanent arrangement. Unless they both are wealthy.
EDIT: Clooney, I missed that they had married. That changes things a bit.


ouija:
HS - idk, lived with someone for a Lifetime.. had to adapt to living alone. Can't picture myself living with someone again. But, if she is a good woman and you love each other, why not wait awhile> She might change her mind.

Sorry about your loss, ouija. And your profile says that you have no kids, so you really were quite alone. But your profile also says Not Single/Not Looking, so it looks like you have found a new partner, congrats on that. So, OP, there is at least one man who is willing to live apart. What was the OP's other criteria? Oh yeah: "Will I ever find someone like this who isn't freaky weird?" Ouija, does your man meet this criteria? :-)

As far as her changing her mind, I don't think that will happen, she has become more and more firm about this in the last year or two. I have been waiting a while. It would have to be me that changes my mind, and I tried to, but I was just deceiving myself and my resentment showed through. It was time to move on.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 188
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 7:07:10 PM
oh :( well that saddens me to read you felt resentment
Oh yea, but I am not trying to replicate what I once had :/
But given what I read and hear about dating I think one needs to at let review their Must have lists once in awhile
and no one is more freaky weird than me - I just own it is all :) Welcome to the forums btw
 Kay9876
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 189
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 7:42:58 PM

Msg. 191: Are there any women out there who like the idea of eventually living together? Perhaps you can chime in, or I may need antidepressants.

In case it helps to keep you from taking antidepressants, I'll chime in. I'm in favor of eventually living with the right man.

Msg. 193: I can understand how once you get up into your 50-60's it becomes prudent to watch out for yourself if you start a relationship and both are home owners. Tough to start from scratch again at that age bracket if things dont work out and you're the one that has to hit the bricks.

I'll be prudent to watch out for myself as a homeowner, but it seems more important to me to watch out for my heart and his heart. If we date long enough and create enough experiences together to learn what needs to be learned, and if through all that we discover that we've gained wisdom through the years, we're compatible, of good character, and in love, then we'll each be the other's priority. When a long-term relationship is made of the right stuff and hitting the bricks is unlikely, living together could be the best option.

 call_me_tater
Joined: 12/30/2014
Msg: 190
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 8:00:30 PM
HS.

I am happily partnered up and in for the long run of living together forever.
It's not scary at all and we both did the divorce thing in the past.
Difference is that neither of us was rebounding or catapulting into a new relationship from an old one.
Be alone for a while and take care of the pains.
I'm very independent; I have never lost that as I believe independence or dependence is mostly internal.
Free will and choice is as important as the compromises made.

On the flip side I have 3 lady friends who are cool with monogamous relationships but never to marry or cohabitate.
They all fear loss of independence, based on previous experience.
Seems more men want to share a home than women.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 191
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 9:18:54 PM
Getting dinners and trips is possible without cohabiting.

Watch out guys...
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 192
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 9:25:51 PM
call me tater- Congrats on finding what works, both of you! :)
That really is what it's all about.
We can debate this one from now until the end of time.
I don't see a right or a wrong side, I see this as a compatibility issue.
I DID say that LAT seems like hiding to ME, but it might not feel that way to someone else.
Each of us knows what works and what doesn't and as long as BOTH people are on the same page and it's working for them, then I don't see the need to question it.
What it takes is each of us, as individuals, asking ourselves if we are TRULY over the past.
If the answer is no (and the answer IS no if you are making someone pay for what an ex put you through), then a self imposed time out is very much in order.
If the answer is yes and you have let go of what happened with someone else and you are ready to proceed with a clean slate, then do what works and make NO apologies for it.
 HealthySkeptic
Joined: 8/3/2010
Msg: 193
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 9:26:19 PM
Thanks for chiming in Kay and tater. I will cancel my antidepressants. It helped, but you know, tater is taken and Kay is only here for the forums, so my new found enthusiasm is somewhat muted...


Kay:
If we date long enough and create enough experiences together to learn what needs to be learned, and if through all that we discover that we've gained wisdom through the years, we're compatible, of good character, and in love, then we'll each be the other's priority. When a long-term relationship is made of the right stuff and hitting the bricks is unlikely, living together could be the best option.

This sounds like decades! I don't have that long! Just kidding, this sounds very wise, and I do expect it to take a couple years at least. I especially like the part about eventually being each others priority.


tater:
Difference is that neither of us was rebounding or catapulting into a new relationship from an old one.
Be alone for a while and take care of the pains.

This is good advice, I will try to be patient, work on myself and my non-romantic relationships. I should stop browsing the profiles of women in my area. Browsing does give me hope, but it just makes me tempted to jump right in...
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 194
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/15/2016 9:29:40 PM
That male libido will fvck your life up x 1000.

Some women will never understand that what happens after the sex is more important to an emotionally healthy male.

I say spend less then 2 years on anything that doesn't involve cohabiting.

IMHO, anything more then that is just dinner and trips.

YMMV
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 195
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 1:00:12 AM
Sceptic has a unique ability to disarm and encourage discussion. Once you serve out any self-imposed exile from dating, you them will be able to step back in and resume dating. With some success, I might add.

Not all of us have that luxury. Some have to learn, and be content with flying solo, because we have no say in the matter. Or we have to throw out most of our values, and settle for whomever will put up with us. Call it, lesser of the two evils.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 196
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 7:14:00 AM
off on a tangent...my best friend's daughter is kicking out her co-habiting bf b/c he isn't coming up with a ring after 7 years, and my friend's lament was, "watch him find someone new quick (he's wealthy) and put a ring on her finger no problem". I wonder if sometimes, the ex finds Mr. or Mrs. Right b/c they realize finally they don't want to lose the next one? Tho in some cases, I can understand that just b/c you're with someone right now, doesn't mean you're looking to plan the future with this person.

sometimes, we do something that feels good b/c it feels good now, not b/c its a future plan.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 12/2/2015
Msg: 197
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 7:17:27 AM
Well....All I can say is when a person is younger...people can/will connect much easier....without much thought behind it.....other than our loins and dreams of what life should be.
Some people are lucky if it works out and they truly have found their soul mate.....some couples just endure each other.
Seen too many of those couples.
As we age....our priorities change.

Myself, I have had a bad relationship and then a great one.....The great one evolved to where there was "no doubts" on either end.
I am not impeded in finding another relationship because of my past....well, maybe I am a little. I expect to be fully accepted...as I am again!
I seldom bother because of my frame of mind....Do I want another full time man in my life.??
I enjoy my freedom but have those moments where I miss "someone".
I have found most men want to move fast.....which would probably be fine with me "if" I could find that one again, where there are no doubts.

To the new poster....welcome to the virtual world of "know it alls"....lol.
Good Luck!
 Kay9876
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 198
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 7:32:28 AM


Msg. 201: I do expect it to take a couple years at least. I especially like the part about eventually being each others priority.

Msg. 202: I say spend less then 2 years on anything that doesn't involve cohabiting.

The time frame will vary from couple to couple, but two or three years sounds about right to me, too. The key to success isn’t in the amount of time covered; it’s in the process of learning what needs to be learned and in the compatibility, wisdom, and caring of the people involved.

Msg. 203: You them will be able to step back in and resume dating…. Not all of us have that luxury. Some … have no say in the matter. We have to … settle for whomever will put up with us.

This is true. I plan to drive six hours to South Bend one summer day and drag you to a restaurant entirely against your will.



 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 199
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 7:54:39 AM

....my best friend's daughter is kicking out her co-habiting bf b/c he isn't coming up with a ring after 7 years


There's got to be more to the story than not getting a ring after 7 years. If a woman is after a ring, wedding, and the whole shabang, she's not going to wait 7 years for it to happen. Maybe the relationship was faltering, and she thought getting a ring and wedding would fix everything. There are people who think getting married or having kids fixes bad relationships.
 HealthySkeptic
Joined: 8/3/2010
Msg: 200
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 10:38:41 AM
Thanks Purple.

From your posts, you seem employed, hardworking, reliable, and you have a motorcycle! And well over 6 feet tall!

It has to be your area... I sincerely wish you more luck in this process.

And thanks for the welcome, Whisky. I like your posts, btw.
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