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 HealthySkeptic
Joined: 8/3/2010
Msg: 201
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People who have been single most of their lives.Page 9 of 18    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
I somehow overlooked this line of tater's:

I'm very independent; I have never lost that as I believe independence or dependence is mostly internal.

I don't know how everyone interprets the word independence. If you interpret is as being capable and confident, then yes it would be internal, an intrinsic part of a person. This you would not lose.

But for some, independence might be interpreted as being in charge of your own situation, and not having to make compromises. There are literally hundreds of little things one must accept or compromise over when living with someone. So then independence would be tied to your circumstances, extrinsic to a person. So, if you value the control you have over your own living space, by living together you give some of that up, hence you would lose some independence.

Perhaps, tater, this is what you meant by your next line:

Free will and choice is as important as the compromises made.

I'm not exactly sure what you are getting at here. Perhaps you could expand? I don't want to invade your privacy, but perhaps you could share some of your experiences with your new situation? I would be interested to know some of your lessons learnt so far.


Kay:
The time frame will vary from couple to couple, but two or three years sounds about right to me, too. The key to success isn’t in the amount of time covered; it’s in the process of learning what needs to be learned and in the compatibility, wisdom, and caring of the people involved.

Very well put. It's the learning, not the quantity of time.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 202
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 12:51:25 PM
With us it took over 3 years because we were in a long-distance relationship, and we also had a period of three months where I moved in with him and we lived together full-time.

I had to change my entire life to be with him, so I didn't want to do that without having at least had a short time living together.

I felt then, and still do now, that our cohabitation is very easy.

I don't feel like I have to make hundreds of small compromises. Again, I think it depends on how compatible you are with the person you're with. Maybe he's making more compromises than I am (I'll ask him), but he doesn't seem all downtrodden, either.

I actually feel that I'm very much myself with him almost all the time. And we're definitely better together than the sum of our parts.

But, as I've said before, this is in spite of never wanting to get married again. I don't know what we would have done if we had lived in the same town and this significant change in my life had not been necessary. Maybe we would not have moved in together, in that case. I think we still would have, though. We just enjoy being together.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 203
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 1:15:31 PM
Oh, you plan to do at least 85 through Illinois? Illinois Troopers hide reeellly well, by the way.
 Kay9876
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 204
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 2:45:59 PM

Oh, you plan to do at least 85 through Illinois? Illinois Troopers hide reeellly well, by the way.

I take it this is your way of telling me to slow down. …

*sigh*
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 12/24/2015
Msg: 205
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 2:54:53 PM
I'm lost. Why would an attractive, intelligent woman persue a man who only ever has negative things to say about women he's been involved with? Are you going to fix him? Love the hate out of him?
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 206
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 3:14:48 PM
Nope, Male, the guy was her second bf, a decent looking IT guy pulling $100K a year, and she wasn't going to find better out in the countryside, so she clung to the sinking ship. And why should he fix what wasn't broken? but her 'clock is starting to ring, so I guess its the wakeup call.

"Independence", is certainly a word with many definitions. It depends upon what a person thinks they need in life. some people want "independence" to be part of their identity...and others don't go that far.

" Why would an attractive, intelligent woman pursue a man who only ever has negative things to say..."

>>>maybe she's intelligent but lacks common sense. Or she really needs something from a relationship, and only Negative Neds can give her that thing she needs to accomplish.
 Kay9876
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 207
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 3:41:11 PM

Msg. 213: Why would an attractive, intelligent woman persue a man who only ever has negative things to say about women he's been involved with? Are you going to fix him? Love the hate out of him?

If this was meant for me, thank you for the compliment!

My posts were an attempt to nudge Purple into a more playful or positive mode. Surely you didn't think I would actually drag him to a restaurant entirely against his will?
:)


Msg. 214: Or she really needs something from a relationship, and only Negative Neds can give her that thing she needs to accomplish.

GTO, I often agree with your posts, but this time the opposite is true. I prefer to date men with a positive outlook.

I didn’t expect my posts to Purple to be taken seriously. I’ve learned something today.
 HealthySkeptic
Joined: 8/3/2010
Msg: 208
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 4:41:16 PM

LiliMarleen:
I felt then, and still do now, that our cohabitation is very easy.

I don't feel like I have to make hundreds of small compromises. Again, I think it depends on how compatible you are with the person you're with. Maybe he's making more compromises than I am (I'll ask him), but he doesn't seem all downtrodden, either.

I actually feel that I'm very much myself with him almost all the time. And we're definitely better together than the sum of our parts.

Thanks for sharing this. You have lifted my spirits.

I am curious about the marriage thing, though. In most provinces in Canada, cohabitation is almost identical to marriage (legally). Cohabitation is the huge step, marriage is kinda an afterthought. What do you see as the difference?



Oh, you plan to do at least 85 through Illinois? Illinois Troopers hide reeellly well, by the way.


I take it this is your way of telling me to slow down. …

*sigh*

I found that quite funny, Kay
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 209
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 5:05:44 PM
^^^ k, this confuses me - co you wanted to live with her, but marriage an afterthought?
Like thoughts afterthoughts like not all common law can get pension benefits, survivour benefits, etc. Child have great success challenging the in and outs of a common law relationship and who should get what.
Now I know if I do decide to live with someone he/she ( I know some hot women) better put a ring on it :)
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 210
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 5:27:37 PM

Not all of us have that luxury. Some … have no say in the matter. We have to … settle for whomever will put up with us.

I thought, "Oh Jeez purplerider, you whine more than a dozen women at once ,could possibly whine",
Then I read this


This is true. I plan to drive six hours to South Bend one summer day and drag you to a restaurant entirely against your will.

I totally laughed out loud, !!! Kay, I live less than 30 min away from South Bend. I'll pick you up at the airport! Yeehaw!!!!

OT I have been married a total of maybe 10 years, the 2 marriages combined. Got married the first time at age 26.
Live-in arrangement a total of 2 years. Completely single for 8 years. This means for my 42 adult years, I dated for 22 years.
LOL, Yah I like dating, marriage, not so much.
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 211
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 6:02:13 PM


Oh, you plan to do at least 85 through Illinois? Illinois Troopers hide reeellly well, by the way.


I take it this is your way of telling me to slow down. …

*sigh*


I think he's saying 'don't get delayed by being stopped by a state trooper'.
LOL!

I've thought about inviting Purple as well as a few others (including GTO, KJ, LadyRed, Belle) out the next time I'm in their various areas.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 212
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 7:09:44 PM
I'm negative towards women. Alright. Stop and think for a moment. For some, their dating dry spells may last days, weeks, or months. Mine are measured in years. Throw out the span of time I was married, and it's still years between dates. Oh, I had one exciting year where I actually dated three different women. That was short lived, and I only did it once.

So, since desperation looks awful on anyone, (and I'm no different) hateful comments come out. A way to defend myself from being depressed, and being totally disgusted with my very short dating skills. Now, you can hang my attitude on my last four+ years of being single. Or, my attitude was set in concrete back in my late teen years to about age 32. All the women I ever dated were married and divorced at least once. All were at least five years older than me. I never dated one that within 3 years of my age. And the only one that I did date that was younger than me and was never previously married was the one that I did marry. (And she was 11 years younger than me)

Now do you understand why? Being turned down does not sit well with me.
 HealthySkeptic
Joined: 8/3/2010
Msg: 213
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 7:27:49 PM

^^^ k, this confuses me - co you wanted to live with her, but marriage an afterthought?

Hey ouija, I didn't put that as well as I could have. Some of my posts have been a little... verbose. I was trying for brevity, but I just lost accuracy. When talking about the law regarding common-law relationships we are almost trying to hit a moving target, things have changed a lot in the last 10-15 years, and each province has it's own laws and they are leap-frogging each other.

I just want to state right from the top that I, personally, from a legal standpoint, would like to get married. Probably not before some period of cohabitation, though. Also, from a social standpoint, I want to make some sort of public declaration of commitment. I know though, all too well, that that declaration is not binding legally, or socially. (All of this is assuming I find someone, perhaps a big leap)

Since your comments seem to be focusing on the legal issues, I will stick to that. I suppose the "afterthought" word came from my experience with the inverse process, separation and divorce. We had to deal with custody and access, child support, spousal support, property division, pension division, CPP splitting, equalization payments, and on and on. None of these things would have had different rules if we were common-law (perhaps with the exception of spousal support, I think I divorced before some new provincial legislation and legal precedents). After we were done all the legal stuff, and made some effort to provide some sort of new normalcy and routine for our kids, we breathed a big sigh of relief and took a break. Then we realized that we were still married. So, we got a divorce. The divorce part was trivial, anticlimactic, almost an "afterthought."

I do know that some things are much easier (from a legal standpoint) if you are married. Just visiting your partner in the hospital can be quite difficult: "family only." And you may get denied any right to make important medical decisions. You can get documents drawn up to gain access and decision making rights, but it is so much easier to just be married. No questions, if you are the legally wed spouse you are family. You know, if I had to describe what I was looking for in a relationship with just one word, I might pick "next-of-kin".

You also mentioned pensions. After my divorce, I started contributing to a defined-benefit pension plan at work. If I get married the day before I retire, my new wife would receive full survivor benefits from my pension. We would have to live together for 2 years as common-law to get the same benefits (LATs wouldn't count). I plan to retire in 3 years, so it probably isn't going to happen, but if I were in a serious relationship I might just consider working an extra year or so just to make that happen. It is fully indexed to inflation, it is a significant benefit.

The big majority of laws make co-habitation after 2 years equivalent to marriage (in most provinces, except Quebec). Some important things (especially for the more "mature" crowd) would require some extra effort to get the same rights. Lawyers, contracts, etc. A hassle, I would just rather get married.

Ok, so now I am being verbose again. And I didn't even cover inheritance. I was actually waiting to see what LilliMarleen's response was before I started to discuss some of these issues. In much smaller doses.


Now I know if I do decide to live with someone he/she ( I know some hot women) better put a ring on it :)

Haha! We have made some significant legal changes with respect to same sex marriage/unions too recently. But I really gotta stop writing!
 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 214
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 7:34:40 PM
Purplerider...

I never found your comments hateful towards women; merely towards dating.
You usually preface your words with some version of 'in my experience'.
And, there's no one who can gainsay a person's experience.

Shall I point out the problems with being fat?
Shall we sit down and count our dates?
(I'll tell you right now, you've had more in one year than I had in my life.)

Never being asked didn't sit well with me.
Being turned downed doesn't sit well with me either.
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 215
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 8:08:13 PM
Clooney tutor, your words are still on my profile for what I am looking for in a man: bring your own food and booze for a few hours a week, two days a week and we can have a committed relationship. ( I left out the reference to condoms). So far the traffic has increased. The latest had a panty hose fetish ( not a crossdresser) and asked me if I wear panty hose. Sure I do, mostly in the winter with a dress/skirt. We had a short conversation and then I blocked him.

Prefer the forums over much else with online dating, but as Sceptic pointed out it is much easier to be married and transfer assets, life insurance, pensions, equities, and make end of life decisions for a dying spouse than being in a long term relationship. I did all that when my spouse died; time consuming but it worked out in the end. I would definitely get a prenup if I ever married again because everything goes to my adult children.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 216
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 8:19:41 PM
NDM....

Navigating the committed part may be challenging.

Pre-nups are an interesting topic.

Here in Cali, 2 separate attorneys are needed to represent both parties. So, $10K total.

Another option is a domestic partnership agreement which provides health insurance for a partner, minus the headaches of a possible divorce. No attorneys needed. They were originally created for the gay community here in California.

One gal told me she would opt for the agreement and then marry after 10 years had passed.

I thought that was smart.



All were at least five years older than me. I never dated one that within 3 years of my age.


My exes were at least 4 years older. Met the last via OLD and didn't really care about the 6 year age difference.

Dating now? I dunno. For some reason, it seems the closer a woman is to my age the more unstable the experience is. Even a year or 2 younger brings out the vanity it seems.

By the way, I'm really 45 but you're 47, right?

WTF?!
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 217
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/16/2016 8:53:45 PM
I just turned 59. My age is correct on my profile. I have tried to date younger guys but some of them have custody of minor children; one was widowed with a 7 year old. I think he was looking for a Mother for her. Another guy has custody of a 14 year old and getting custody of the 12 year old and the 6 year old will follow when she can consent at age 12. I am really past the children stage now.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 218
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/17/2016 3:34:46 AM

I am curious about the marriage thing, though. In most provinces in Canada, cohabitation is almost identical to marriage (legally). Cohabitation is the huge step, marriage is kinda an afterthought. What do you see as the difference?


I sold my house (losing $100,000 in the bargain), I gave up a job that afforded me great flexibility and a six-figure income, I moved two states away, thus creating the necessity to build an entirely new social network. In Connecticut, you also cannot be on your partner's health insurance, unless you are married. So, I would have had a $700 health insurance bill with no income, for starters.

I think I would have had to be crazy to do all this without the protection of marriage.

In the US, very few states recognize common law marriage (Connecticut is not one of them), and even in those states, it usually takes years to establish one.

Of course we could have used a private contract rather than marriage, but why? If he hadn't been interested in marrying me, I certainly would not have been interested in doing all the things I mentioned above.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 219
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/17/2016 4:04:50 AM
Guess it all depends on the person who reads what I say and how they choose to interpret it.

Dating gets to be our unattainable goal. It looks easy. We know it isn't. Then we sit back and read about other's dating woes, and wish we could get to their level, because for us, we'd call it progress. Then some a$$hole comes along and says dating is fun, and we'd love to throttle that person.

So, we play the hand we're dealt. And complain about it, sometimes.
 call_me_tater
Joined: 12/30/2014
Msg: 220
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/17/2016 6:35:44 AM
HealthySkeptic,

By saying free will and choice is as important as the compromises made, I mean that compromises are made freely by your own choice and not forced.
If you are with the right person, compromise is not difficult.
Should feel natural and not like you are giving up anything.
I am independent, have strong opinions and self awareness. Nobody can take that from me.
I had a great 15 year marriage but did lose myself somewhat. I became a different person after--much stronger and confident; I don't fear losing myself.


perhaps you could share some of your experiences with your new situation? I would be interested to know some of your lessons learnt so far.
My situation is not new.
We lived together 10 years. Broke up, and now back together almost 2 years. Eloping on our anniversary this year.
I suppose lessons learned were mostly on his part, but I can say the new relationship is not the old.
Some people need to lose someone in order to see what you have...in our case it was fixable and time apart worked in our favor.

Living together was never difficult. Happened in the first few months we were together. He just kept leaving stuff at my house and got one drawer at a time until he had the whole dresser.
We never discussed our relationship or living together...it just evolved. His daughter was 10 at the time and my kids were 14 and 16. No issues there either.
Our biggest problem now is that he bought a house during our separation and we are faced with selling 2 houses and finding one that is equally ours. We feel that is important for our "new" relationship as we have truly left all of our other baggage behind and our homes are the last bit of business to take care of.
So that is my story.

My opinion is that the relationship dynamics are up to the individual.
Cohabitating, LAT, marriage, dating...whatever.
People who have the idea that they can change a person or they will "come around" are fooling only themselves.
If a couple's goals are not the same, they are not compatible.
 HealthySkeptic
Joined: 8/3/2010
Msg: 221
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/17/2016 10:04:17 AM
@NDM, you still have that line (from Clooney) in your profile. You crack me up! Does committed mean just showing up on time? ;-)

@LiliMarleen: Sorry, I misinterpreted your post. When you said this;
But, as I've said before, this is in spite of never wanting to get married again.
I thought you were not married, just living together. You changed your mind. Belated congratulations! Making a LD relationship work out must have taken some real courage, good for you!

I am from Canada, and I never thought about health insurance. Clooney alluded to it when talking about domestic partnership agreements. It must be a huge issue. We get some of your election coverage, it looks like some people are trying to change the system. Feel the bern! Oops, that just slipped out. I don't want to start an "off topic war" here.

tater:
By saying free will and choice is as important as the compromises made, I mean that compromises are made freely by your own choice and not forced.
If you are with the right person, compromise is not difficult.
Should feel natural and not like you are giving up anything.
Thanks for the clarification, that does resonate with me. I feel I am open to compromise, but the whole LAT thing was just to big for me, it felt "forced."

And thanks for sharing your story. Your eloping! Congratulations, after so many years together (and apart) you are taking the plunge. But will your children feel a little left out of the marriage ceremony? Selling both houses and buying a new one will take some effort, but it sure shows commitment to the future together.


People who have the idea that they can change a person or they will "come around" are fooling only themselves.
If a couple's goals are not the same, they are not compatible.
Very true. And to some extent, we can't change ourselves either, if the compromise feels "forced."

 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 222
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People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/17/2016 10:41:27 AM

Belated congratulations! Making a LD relationship work out must have taken some real courage, good for you!


Thank you very much!

Yes, there were definitely some moments (and times) of terror! :)
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 223
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/17/2016 1:29:02 PM
Today when walking out of my zumba class, I saw high school girls play basketball. I stopped to watch the game. I noticed fathers standing and watching their daughters play. It occurred to me that these girls, whose fathers are showing such attention in their lives, will be much healthier in their relationships with men than daughters who lacked it, like myself. Just to think, a grown man takes several hours out of his weekend to watch his daughter play basketball? Very likely, such a daughter, when she encounters a potential user, will have no problem saying to him, "Look, I wasn't born for the purpose of entertaining you. If you're going to be a part of my life, you need to be a part of my life."
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 224
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/17/2016 2:27:41 PM
ditto to ^^^. there are bad dads, of course, who are too much in a daughter's life, being too demanding, etc. But I've known daughters of entrepreneurs who grew up to be "boy crazy". Dad was too busy running his business, his second child that does only what he plans it to do.
 caballerosiempre
Joined: 12/5/2015
Msg: 225
People who have been single most of their lives.
Posted: 4/17/2016 2:32:07 PM
So what causes a boy to grow up to be a doormat to women? Not enough attention from mom?
Then you have the opposite problem, Daddy's Little Princess, who grows up to expect the entire world to cater to her just like Daddy always did.
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