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Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 25
At my wits end Page 2 of 2    (1, 2)
A lot of folks could use some therapy.

One day I'll man up and do it :)
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 26
At my wits end
Posted: 4/28/2016 8:35:57 PM
Thanks ig. It was a morning no makeup picture. Sauna is really good for the skin, it looks like.

Clooney, try hot yoga. They give you a dose of therapy talk slash feelgood sermon, you get to stretch and get a core workout, but most importantly, the bodies you get to look at... Where else do you see a row of 100 percent perfect female bodies.
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 27
At my wits end
Posted: 4/28/2016 8:42:09 PM
Hey you.

Beautiful face. You should try out for a Noxzema commercial :)

I jog/walk around a lake. Lots of hot mommas passing me by.

I think a pet would be a better solution to loneliness then staring at hot derrières.

I'm worried that yoga will bring out my flatulence.

Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 28
At my wits end
Posted: 4/28/2016 8:43:15 PM

One day I'll man up and do it :)

There's nothing to man up to do it. Actually, right before I went to therapy, I felt emasculated, reduced to crap, inadequate. I did two years of therapy. It helped a lot. It's like a mental vomit. Everything comes out. You cry, you scream, you are angry at yourself, you angry at the world, your dad, your mom, the women that fvcked you up, and you come out clean, like a baby.

I would drive to the place thinking that I didn't need it anymore, that I was fine. Then I would think what I may talk about. Then I got there, waited for my time, had the quick pleasantries and then bluuuuahhhhhh. It al came out.
You don't need to feel like a man, or man up to go. It will give you back all those things.

Realize that therapy will never tell you anything new. It will make you look at everything from a different perspective, it will make you realize all the s h i t that was always in front of you and you never paid attention to it. It will give you permission to feel, and to tell others that is how you feel and that you want to be respected as well as loved, for exactly feeling that way.

It will liberate you to the try your best, and take risk, which we become too entrenched in our comfort zone and unwilling to get out.
Joined: 1/23/2016
Msg: 29
At my wits end
Posted: 4/28/2016 10:09:13 PM
I went to my first therapy session this Wednesday. The therapist and I talked about the ex for about 5 minutes and the rest of the hour was spent taking about childhood scars etc. Can't say whether it helped anything -- but I'm for sure going again next week, especially considering my insurance is amazing and pays for 80% and unlimited sessions.

I think it's the Russian in me that makes it so hard to admit to anyone that I'm going to therapy. We are taught from birth to man up and handle your issues on your own. I tried mentioning to my dad I am going to therapy to which his response was that all therapists are crooks and I can just talk to him if I feel like wasting my time talking about bull crap. Yeah right *rolls eyes*

As far as the ex -- I think all the love fell out of the window and all I feel for him is utter disappointment and hate. That happened hours before my therapy even. I asked him to talk -- his response was "I can fit you into my schedule next week". Wtf? Pretty appaling I'm now a part of a schedule and being placed on a back burner after over 4 years of being there for this person. Amazing how heartless and callous people can become.
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 30
At my wits end
Posted: 4/28/2016 10:29:07 PM
JaneyBaney5757- I'm in therapy too.
If I'm going to adivce it for others, then I need to take my OWN adivce.
I understand about your dad.
My grandparents raised me and they got a lot right, but one thing that they got wrong was their disbelief in therapy.
They saw it as a weakness, but it isn't.
In fact, it's the opposite.
It takes a LOT of strength to admit you have an issue and face it.
You are right where I was after my divorce.
You know both of you have issues, but ALL you can address are YOUR issues.
It's GREAT that you are doing that.
Having been where you are, I can tell you that you HAVE to stop concentrating on your ex.
His issues are HIS issues.
You are out of it and working to make yourself better and GOOD for you!
Keep going to therapy, keep facing your issues.
It isn't easy or pleasant, but in order to be happy and the best you can be, you HAVE to work on it.
Feel free to pm me.
One of the things I needed most when I WAS there, was someone who had been there and made it through to listen and help.
Thank GOODNESS, I had those people who were there for me.
I don't have all the answers, but I am willing to listen, any time. :)
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 31
At my wits end
Posted: 4/29/2016 11:10:30 AM

I think it's the Russian in me that makes it so hard to admit to anyone that I'm going to therapy.

This is very funny. In a good way. Back when I was dating, I started going with a Russian woman. After about the 5th date I casually told her that I was going to therapy. I didn't think it was a big deal but she gave this look of shock and told me that "In Russia real men don't go to therapy, they drink vodka."

We split at the end of that date. So I see how you feel. It's quite interesting that you switched from talking about the boyfriend to your childhood very quickly. In the end we cannot fix other people, but we can find meaning in what we are. Like I've said before, I went to therapy for two years. In fact I may go see him soon, just to get a feel for what is going on in my life and all that. Also realize that therapy does not mean you're crazy, it simply means being able to see the forest from the trees.
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 32
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At my wits end
Posted: 4/29/2016 2:23:32 PM

I think it's the Russian in me that makes it so hard to admit to anyone that I'm going to therapy. We are taught from birth to man up and handle your issues on your own.

Well, some cultures, as seen with many Middle Eastern folks, is that pride & stubbornness are honorable -- when they're not. Pride is one of the 7 deadly sins for a reason, as holding onto pride is a huge fault and character flaw... but when immersed in a culture or sub-culture where that's actually seen as good, it's hard to recognize the deep flaw in it. But, we're All subject to hold onto pride, be too stubborn about things, etc. It's a part of growing up -- to realize that one shouldn't let pride have any influence on what you do, and stubbornness (fueled by pride) should be minimized for one's own well-being.

I think all the love fell out of the window and all I feel for him is utter disappointment and hate

I think you still love him, but sure, not full-circle love. How much were you, and how much now? Dunno, and that's part of it to figure out, although it will start fading as (knock on wood) I'm sure it has now to some extent. But you may have been more in love with being love (and settled down to do 'what you're culturally supposed to do').

I asked him to talk -- his response was "I can fit you into my schedule next week". Wtf?

Well, if he lives an hour away, I can see sitting down to talk/hash everything out Would go by one's open schedule. Obviously just like you, he carries a lot of negative feelings, so you can't expect him to be any bit charming or too cordial in his responses. You guys Are broken up -- yes, you ARE part of a schedule and so is he to yours. Now, if it's to have a long talk on the phone -- which may or may not be the most ideal (depends on the people & situation), then yeah, "next week" is BS.
Joined: 1/9/2016
Msg: 33
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At my wits end
Posted: 5/3/2016 10:53:12 AM
Be thankful you learned this lesson at 30. Some people waste years on broken people...and then they wonder why they are still single at 40 or 50. The second this guy told you that he wasn't interested in marriage, you should have moved on.

What's done is done...right now you need to heal. That is never going to happen is you keep the wound open.

STOP talking about him. STOP obsessing about him. STOP watching sad movies or listening to sad songs that trigger your feelings. STOP posting about him. STOP all contact with him...and he will try to suck you in sometime in the future, when he's feeling a void.

Work on yourself, stay busy...hit the productive...etc. You have to re-build yourself up so you can be healthy again. Then you can date.

It's a long journey - Good luck :-)
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 34
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At my wits end
Posted: 5/3/2016 10:55:55 AM

Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 35
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At my wits end
Posted: 5/3/2016 12:02:56 PM

Work on yourself, stay busy...hit the productive...etc. You have to re-build yourself up so you can be healthy again. Then you can date.

I did this. I started shooting guns - target shooting. Unexpectedly therapeutic, all at the cost of maybe just one tree.
Joined: 4/20/2016
Msg: 36
At my wits end
Posted: 5/22/2016 3:55:24 PM
Its simple. You see the immense pain you are feeling now goes back to something. If you rewind all the way back to the beginning you will see that you both were pretending to be someone else st the beginning and you never really got to a true common understanding. You were throwing it all on a gamble without really knowing this man. And you know how i know this? Because he dumped you. I personally have no sympathy for you. Youre a very privilged person in many ways so enjo it.
Joined: 4/19/2016
Msg: 37
At my wits end
Posted: 5/23/2016 8:23:14 PM
I'm going to start with the positives! You are a very pretty woman! God Bless! So, there's lots of guys who would like to go out with you & many that might treat you better than your ex did & will bring out the best in you as a partner. Most importantly, many that are willing to commit to marriage with you since that's important to you. Plus, you are young. Nowadays, 29 isn't considered prehistoric like before. I've met so many women in their 30's that look amazing! Maintain yourself physically & keep your soul young. Don't let this experience weaken you. Consider this, what if this guy had agreed to marry had kids...and then when you are 37...he decides to leave you? Count your blessings girl. Or left you at the alter with everyone to see. I don't know the details of your relationship, but make a pro/con list about this guy. What was so good about him? If the cons are more....move on. Be objective about it. Now, I'm going with the made a few mistakes. After the 2 yr mark, he flipped the script on you. That was your red flag & alert to move on. Furthermore, without any formal commitment you moved in with him....he got you cleaning, cooking, paying some bills,doing everything a wife does, but you didn't have your ring. Other red flags? He was coming home drunk? He yelled at you? Ignoring your feelings? That seems like the perfect recipe for future domestic violence waiting to happen. Finally, he told you it was over. As in, goodbye. The man was clear....I'd say focus on your life- hang out with family and friends! Go on a trip or something! Learn a new hobby! Volunteer in your community! Heck, go on dates with other guys....but be honest with them- don't use them or lead them on. Tell them you are interested in going slow & break up was recent.
Enjoy your only have one! Don't waste it thinking about this guy....even if he comes back....once again, consider the facts of his behavior. Do you want to be with someone who flip flopped on you so much? He might do it again.
Joined: 5/6/2016
Msg: 38
At my wits end
Posted: 5/23/2016 10:34:44 PM
Best of luck OP. You are pretty, accomplished and seem to be a great catch.

I'm NOT looking for mindless dating that's a waste of time.

I hope you don't consider online dating to be your only avenue for meeting a potential partner because "mindless dating" is usually par for the course.
Joined: 2/19/2016
Msg: 39
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At my wits end
Posted: 6/12/2016 4:39:55 AM
You sound awesome, good luck for the future x
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 40
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At my wits end
Posted: 6/12/2016 7:33:54 PM
You are a lovely 29 year old woman who has her life ahead of her. It doesnt feel that way now.

All along there were red flags that you chose to ignore and tried to fix and keep the relationship together. He had, I think, been over the relationship much earlier and just waiting for an opportunity to get away. You were stuck on the idea of marring the guy and being part of a couple despite all the negative influences at play. You allowed all sorts of shit and ultimately he didnt respect you for that.

You will know next time what you will tolerate and what you wont, that is the lesson in all the pain you are experiencing. In truth you lost nothing in that man and one day you will come to realise that. You will in time get over it but never forget it. I wish you well.

I dont like the term "broken" when referring to human beings. Scarred, damaged and
sometimes people just have negative traits, whether due to upbringing and/or inherent characteristics.
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 41
At my wits end
Posted: 6/13/2016 11:36:25 PM

I think what's messing with me even more is his reaction that was so unlike him. I wonder what kind of Devils he has going on inside him to trigger such anger and hate. Realistically speaking I know he can't give me what I need and want, but I want so badly for him to be able to.

OP, I think that I can help you here. I was the man in the same kind of relationship and after looking back on it for about a decade, I think that I can explain what is going on with him. He can't tell you even if he wanted to. The fundamentals take years to make themselves plain.

You mentioned in the first post that you weren't the best girlfriend. I suspect that you are dead wrong about that. You were the perfect girlfriend. Let me explain... the girl that I was with was pretty, intelligent, articulate, highly emotional, impulsive and erratic. It made for a torrid and tumultuous relationship but it was the most rewarding and satisfying of my entire life. She was so addicting that after I left her, I went back THREE times. After ten years, I still think of her daily and imagine how things could have been made to work.

Here is the rub: The very things that made her so compelling also made her dangerous. Tying the knot with her, times being what they are, would be tying it around my own neck. I sensed the danger even though I couldn't exactly pinpoint it. I refused to marry her. As a girlfriend, I couldn't improve on her. As a wife, with the law enforcement establishment to encourage her, she would have been a loaded gun. I couldn't do it.

My best guess would be that your ex boyfriend wanted you, oh so badly, but couldn't bring himself to pull the trigger. It was tearing him up inside. You almost had him. He was hanging by a thread but held out just barely.

Believe me. You are not out of his mind and probably will never be. This whole affair has been just as hard on him as it has been for you.

I don't know what you can do with the information but there you have it.
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 42
At my wits end
Posted: 11/8/2016 9:05:42 AM

"Believe me. You are not out of his mind and probably will never be. This whole affair has been just as hard on him as it has been for you. "

I don't believe you
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 43
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At my wits end
Posted: 11/9/2016 3:14:13 PM
Thank God the Demon showed himself before you had his offspring. He sounds like a narcissist. You should ask your therapist about narcissist abuse. You might find your freedom in knowing more about that personality disorder. One day you may thank your lucky stars. I think you dodged a bullet. If no one else tells you you are worth it you need to practice that affirmation over and over and one day you will believe it.
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 44
At my wits end
Posted: 11/12/2016 2:30:59 PM
"Thank God the Demon showed himself before you had his offspring"

Wasn't that a movie ?
" Rosemary's Baby " ?
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 45
At my wits end
Posted: 11/13/2016 6:19:17 PM

Yup, " Rosemary's Baby " , I was correct

Yay me
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