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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Trust issues- and when does patience & empathy become enabling/ reinf      Home login  
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 friedstone
Joined: 4/23/2016
Msg: 51
Trust issues- and when does patience & empathy become enabling/ reinforcingPage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

Well...Like Ouija, I don't read the "sex and dating" threads often but Lily made sure to tell everyone on another thread.. what was going on with Karma....so, to bring attention to it..imagine that!
I agree, with Bama...you have a spiteful attitude and theres something about Karma....you just can't let go.


Wait a second . . . Karma brought it up. How can you blame Lilly for Karma going public. What the fuk is wrong with you? nasty much? Why the hell are you even here if you don't like the messages on a message board?
 Whisky_River
Joined: 12/2/2015
Msg: 52
Trust issues- and when does patience & empathy become enabling/ reinforcing
Posted: 5/2/2016 8:43:37 AM
Hello Soldier...I was wondering how long it would take.....Bawhahahaha...
Go away!
 BlondeApriLShowers
Joined: 4/28/2016
Msg: 53
Trust issues- and when does patience & empathy become enabling/ reinforcing
Posted: 5/2/2016 8:48:00 AM
My 2 cents: just because we know something doesn't mean we have to keep regurgitating it over & over again.

I don't really KNOW any of the people on here, so I cannot say I like or dislike any of you. I may agree or disagree w/ some posts though...
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 54
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Trust issues- and when does patience & empathy become enabling/ reinforcing
Posted: 5/2/2016 6:38:29 PM
OP: How long have you been in this relationship for?


OP: How long have you been in this relationship for?
 Scamp_in_VT
Joined: 8/8/2011
Msg: 55
Trust issues- and when does patience & empathy become enabling/ reinforcing
Posted: 5/4/2016 5:32:49 PM
Flaneur- 13 & 1/2 months
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 56
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Trust issues- and when does patience & empathy become enabling/ reinforcing
Posted: 5/4/2016 6:19:38 PM

Therapy, yes, been working for a long time with an excellent therapist who has helped me immensely at growing and changing over the years.


It’s great that you found an excellent therapist. Finding someone who ‘gets you’ and whom you trust is very important. However, it is also important that a therapist guide you to see the ‘stuck places’ in your life and help you to strategically get ‘unstuck’. If you’ve been seeing your GF for almost 2 years I would expect that some of these issues would have been dealt with sooner.


well, it's pretty easy to tell that some of my past tendencies come from losing one parent when I was young and having the other parent afflicted with types and levels of anxiety that today would be called PTSD; I was deeply trained to watch for distress in others and make sure I tried to avoid anything that triggered it, and to quell it if it arose.

Good insight. In order to feel safe, you needed to help others (ie your parent) be safe (calm) by meeting their needs ahead of your own. This is how schema – core beliefs – that drive our patterns of behavior evolve.


My excellent therapist has helped me break free from having those tendencies run me on autopilot,



and in fact that therapist said that it's not all bad, in that I tend to pay attention to and care about others feelings.... to degrees and depths that are, apparently, fairly unusual in my gender.


hmm. While it’s true that your empathy and capacity for attunement is high….I would disagree that this is not ‘all bad’. I think that your oversensitivity AT THE EXPENSE of your own needs is a problem.


That said, what I do run into is that when I sense distress in a person I am close to and care about, I will try to do what I can to be understanding, to the point of risking putting my needs to the back burner...


This is it! You don’t have to do one OR the other. You need to find balance between empathy for someone else AND meeting your needs. You learned a very maladaptive lesson from your early life –
that you cannot have your needs met until someone has had their needs met. Your experience with having your needs met were CONDITIONAL.



not to the extremes like I used to, but it still can happen, most especially if the distress comes up suddenly out of the blue. And when someone is prone to a certain type of distress but identifies it in themselves and says that they want to change, I am willing to work with that.


Do you not see – how unconsciously you have created a condition here??? You are setting yourself up for a reenactment - helping someone who needs help….but can’t do it! You then become very disappointed.




My own path and experiences have led me to believe that remarkable change and growth is possible when people want it and work at it. But what happens is that if they're not capable of moving beyond the recurring distress, I find myself [like in the current relationship] where things that I could handle if they were short term and subject to improvement become intolerable when it starts to be clear that change isn't happening... but because there isn't a bright line of "well that seemed hopeful, but as of 2:30 today it is unmistakably hopeless" the intolerability sneaks up on me.


People need to be accepted for who they are ….now…. Is it possible that your GF has a history of rejection, betrayal, and conditional love. Is it possible that as you lose “hope” she starts to panic and starts searching for reasons why you might leave her - hence her irrational accusations.


I have 'drawn some boundaries' lately and things seem to be going better. I need to manage to not become a zero tolerance a__h___ while still sticking to my guns and seeing whether it really can get to a healthier place, _definitely_ not exercising any patience when I get handed a bag of misgivings that came from someone else, and see where it goes (and I am at little risk of prolonging this too long if this doesn't start to shift for real).


I’m not sure what you mean by ‘boundaries’. I would suggest you consider having an honest conversation about how you are REALLY feeling, and identify what the impact of this has been on you and what your needs are. You should consider ways to ENGAGE her in this relational vortex….not separate from her through ‘boundaries’. Healthy relationships involve lots of risk taking, communication and empathy…it’s hard. Most of the time you come through the adversity closer to the other person and feel more connected within yourself.



Now the curious thing is, when not dealing with those I am emotionally close to, I can deal resiliently with crap-tons of conflict, which has been the case in a lot of what I have done for work over the years, and I couldn't give a hill of beans whether I am liked. It's when someone I am really close to turns on me [or turns their ability to be present with me] 'on a dime' and it wasn't foreseeable, that I am at risk of losing my bearings.


Sure, people adapt to adversity in different ways - surrender, avoidance and overcompensation. It sounds like you are very self-reliant and resilient….on the surface – hopelessness, frustration and resentment can be the flipside of this coin.
 Scamp_in_VT
Joined: 8/8/2011
Msg: 57
Trust issues- and when does patience & empathy become enabling/ reinforcing
Posted: 5/5/2016 9:00:40 PM
Hi Flaneur-

Thanks so much; you are incredibly insightful.

Just to be clear, it's a bit over a year, not close to two years... I have recently asked the therapist that if I seem to be at risk of repeating this cycle, or anything resembling it, to please be highly watchful and help me not do so again.

You've given me some really interesting and useful stuff to work on that it isn't about either-or (that it should be about both responding to someone else's needs while at the same time also not losing sight of my own).

By 'boundaries' I wasn't referring to distance, I was referring to beginning to re-establish both within myself and in interactions in the relationship what I am and am not reasonably responsible for in someone else's reactions, and how much and how often and how intensely I ought to have to go into a reactively reassuring mode.


Is it possible that as you lose “hope” she starts to panic and starts searching for reasons why you might leave her - hence her irrational accusations.


I am pretty sure that that hasn't been the case; until very recently I have been stoic and dedicated in being highly reassuring, because I thought with time that would allow things to get to a different place; my losing hope is only very recent and even as I began to struggle with hope (with the realization that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results), I tried for a while to hope that the hope wasn't waning. So I don't think my struggles to maintain hope have either caused or inflamed her struggles over the bulk of the relationship. In fact the fears on her part very often seem to launch themselves during or in the wake of particularly close and easeful time together.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 58
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Trust issues- and when does patience & empathy become enabling/ reinforcing
Posted: 5/6/2016 11:59:25 AM
Well, if she regularly creates drama after particularly close and easy times together, that certainly sounds as if she doesn't like or is uncomfortable with close and easy.

What it comes down to is, can you live with it as things are NOW.? She hasn't done anything to change, and you don't know that she will.

When I went through some issues with my husband before we were married, I asked myself, if this issue never gets better than this, given all the great things we have, can I live with this? And my answer was yes, and, frankly, things really haven't gotten much better in this regard, although he now seems to see that this is something he wants to work on. But, to me the good stuff outweighed the bad, and it still does. I don't expect perfection - but I did have to get honest as to how I really felt.

But it sounds as if you're losing patience and as if you feel that UNLESS things change, this is more than you can take. I would never count on things changing. You can only make decisions on what is here and now, and whether this is good enough and makes you happy here and now.
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