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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?      Home login  
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 2ufo
Joined: 2/28/2015
Msg: 51
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?Page 3 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

So why wouldn't I be having a hard time of living in the present?


So, where will you live?
The present is the only possible place to life (for a healthy life).

She is no longer with you but you *hope* that she'll recognize the error of her ways and break up with her current and any possible future boyfriends. That's living on wishes, but it's your choice so...
Ok, so wait for her.
In the meantime, throw all that emotional angst into something useful.
Maybe do overtime at work, maybe volunteer your time to some non-profit organization you believe it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 52
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/4/2016 10:39:42 AM

My grandma, my mother, my father - all people I know who are not with the one they think if the most, the one they live the most.


Did you hear any of them say that they're not with the one that they truly loved, and decided to settle for second or third best instead-a consolation prize? Maybe they felt they found the One when they met and married. But as time passes and marriage settles into routine and doldrums, they might fantasize about the one they didn't date and maintain the image of a still youthful, hot looking person from way back when.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 53
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/6/2016 2:37:28 AM

............got over someone from the past?

Yes, giving me the opportunity to meet and be with a man far better.

.............dont idealise/romantisise about a former lover?

No. Not at all.

...........loved the most in their life ...................


My childhood and my 1st marriage were one f'n freakin bad cycle.
This was "toxic" at it's best.
LOVE is none of the above.

To be honest, the "love of my life" is me. Anything less would be un·con·scio·na·ble.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 9/15/2015
Msg: 54
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What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/6/2016 6:35:58 AM
if you can't be with the one you love love the one you're with

Wisdom for the ages, there, I got that out of my head.

A bit trite, but .. I was once young myself and lived through some drama filled relationships.

After a few years, I regretted breaking up with my first GF, we were together for 10 years, when I was 22. Each time I broke up with someone, I would start thinking about her. I think it's fairly common, you are just taking it too seriously. But you are young, and the young tend to to that.

Every new love, it started out fine, I didn't think about her, but when things started to go south, I would reflect on and miss her, thinking no one will ever love me the way she did.

When I got a divorce at age 50, I contacted a mutual friend to see what was my first GFs status. So that was several decades after we broke up. Your first love is often idealized. If my first GF was available, I would have contacted her. I was fairly sure if she was available we still would have clicked,, and the reasons I had broke up with were more because I was young and restless. But not only was she married but was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. A double block.

I found and contacted my second LTR GF, we started to fight after a few emails. Which was the reason we broke up the first time. She was more the toxic explosive type where I felt that if I could just ease into discussing some topic without reacting to her, then we could find our way. But I am not sure why it's on me to placate her.

Now I found someone I love more than anyone, and is clearly more compatible with me that anyone else had been. The only time I think about anyone in the past is when I see their pictures, and it's only a fond memory, not any sort of regret.

When I broke up with someone I cared about in the past, distraction worked well. Dating other women too soon before getting over the last break up often didn't help as I wasn't emotionally available. Looking for a promotion in another state was a big distraction, moving far away takes a lot of effort and distance makes it harder to get back together.. Not impossible, just harder.

I never went to therapy, I think that is so dependent on finding the right therapist, many seem a little flaky themselves. But I am sure with the right in the right therapist it would work.

You need to find your own way to move on, but you know, maybe you never will.

Some people never get over their first love, a lot of people live in the past for a lot of reasons, not just love. The time they were a cheerleader, a star footballer in high school, their teen dating years., their military career, etc. Whatever made them feel "special" some people never get over it and live in their past memories of real or imagined happiness / greatness. I don't think it's a good thing, but it happens often enough,. good luck on which ever way you take.
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 55
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/6/2016 6:59:12 AM

I'm not sure she is a narcissist with other guys and maybe I brought it on by hurting her, but I do know she gets bored easily with men and discards them. It's going to take me a long time to get over her because we've had such a cyclical relationship, always gotten back together, told me I was the one 2 hours before we had our relationship ending argument, has told me before that I am the love of her life,


You are beginning to drink your own Kool-aid. Stop trying to convince yourself of the above crap. It doesn't matter. A person with the propensity to kill, or a sociopath is going to act normal most of the time. Until they are in those situations when their buttons are pushed and they go into killer mode.

They are also very good at making you feel guilty and culpable for "what YOU made them do."

What you are doing is finding your justifications for accepting her behavior. The worst thing that narcissist and bipolars and sociopaths are able to do is hit you very hard with "truths" about yourself that can shake you to the core. Realize that even though they may be telling you a truth, they are using it to justify their behavior and shift the blame on you.
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 56
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What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/7/2016 11:42:32 AM

I have recently broken up with 'the one' (again)

Hint: She wasn't the one.
 no_to_usernames
Joined: 9/19/2015
Msg: 57
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/7/2016 12:16:38 PM
I'm 32, I dont meet many women any more and I am very picky - trust me - she was special! The only person I have ever felt comfortable with and a spark with.
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 58
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What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/7/2016 12:21:12 PM
I'm sure she was special. But she wasn't the one.
 NJgirl116
Joined: 7/3/2015
Msg: 59
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/7/2016 12:22:15 PM
Very picky yet you think she is so messed up that you start a thread about what happens to messed up people when they get older? You're not picky, you just liked her and you miss her.
 raisehill
Joined: 5/2/2016
Msg: 60
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/8/2016 1:42:52 PM
I'm not going to tell you she is not "the one", and unless somebody has experienced the one "most haven't", they really don't get where you are coming from, thus some of the bad or not understanding advice on this board.

But several things, if you were the one for her, she will always love you. Women do not ever fall out of love with "the one".

On the otherhand, women are more practical and less emotional than guys. If she feels it necessary to move on, she will and has.

What you have to do is determine whether there is still any chance to be with her..and you have to do so while being a man and NEVER sacrificing your dignity just to be with her. Once you've done what you can to be with her and it doesn't work..it is easier to move on. You don't want any what ifs in your life. You need to know you did everything possible to be with her, while maintaining your dignity, and only then will it be possible to move on.

So make your move..do all you can within reason, and then suck it up and go out and live the rest of your life.

That's the only way to handle the situation. You don't want her haunting you the rest of your life.

One other thing, a little psychological trick. If you need to move on, think bad thoughts about her, the times she was rotten to you, etc. Think those thoughts over and over and eventually, hopefully, she will mean nothing to you. Good luck.
 mdbco32
Joined: 3/30/2016
Msg: 61
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/8/2016 10:36:12 PM

I'm 32, I dont meet many women any more and I am very picky - trust me - she was special! The only person I have ever felt comfortable with and a spark with.


I'm a 32-year-old man as well. Quit lamenting past loves. They're done! Get over it! Sometimes, you just need to be reminded that you need to be strong. How can you handle being in a relationship at all right now if you keep torturing yourself? Seriously. Go to the ****ing gym, go climb a mountain, get a hobby, get a ****ing dog to run with, and focus on rebuilding yourself both intrinsically and extrinsically. You can't be a decent partner to any woman alive until you fix yourself. ****ing do that shit and quit ****ing about it!
 no_to_usernames
Joined: 9/19/2015
Msg: 62
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/10/2016 11:59:58 AM
Raisehill - thank you - someone who understands. Talking to people who have never had "the one" frustrates me.

We have had our problems and she has problems herself. Right now, I dont think we could be together. I love her, she makes me melt, when we talk and laugh its the most content in life I am. I fear I will never look at someone like that and be in short term relationships forever looking for that again. She told me 2 hours before we broke up that I was the one, I dont believe I am - I dont think anyone is for her, as her narcissism turns toxic or she gets bored. Her new fella I believe to be her one - even though after 4 months she couldn't say she loves him. I believe he will be and if he doesnt turn out to be, then I believe I will be in her life again in some capacity (I dont know that that will be) one day.
 no_to_usernames
Joined: 9/19/2015
Msg: 63
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/10/2016 12:01:25 PM
mdbco32 - I am doing the gym, football, badminton, spending more time with my family etc etc etc. I'm doing all that. I think I need a big challenge.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 64
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/10/2016 12:54:01 PM

I'm doing all that. I think I need a big challenge.


Mt. Everest.
 mdbco32
Joined: 3/30/2016
Msg: 65
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/10/2016 5:06:20 PM

mdbco32 - I am doing the gym, football, badminton, spending more time with my family etc etc etc. I'm doing all that. I think I need a big challenge.


Go join the Army and deploy to Iraq. It worked for me!
 raisehill
Joined: 5/2/2016
Msg: 66
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/11/2016 8:03:20 AM
Well, you don't want her showing up 20 years down the line when you are married with children. Women tend to do that. Life isn't going as they hoped and all of a sudden the guy who loved them all those years ago is who they want. Either get back with her in the present or let her go in your mind. Turn your back on her and resolve to have nothing to do with her in the future.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 67
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/11/2016 8:48:47 AM

I believe he will be and if he doesnt turn out to be, then I believe I will be in her life again in some capacity (I dont know that that will be) one day.


Or you could chose Option B, which is to cease any and all further contact with her. You can't move on if you're still hung up on hoping to get her back. Are you going to act like a lost puppy with sad eyes for the rest of your life?
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 68
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/11/2016 5:42:49 PM
maleman999- BINGO!^^^^
Look, OP, she wasn't the one or you would still be together.
You seem to think we don't understand but we do.
We ARE trying to help you, it's just that the majority are telling you like it is, not what you want to hear.
She's gone, let her go, move on or torture yourself from now on.
Those are your choices, pick one.
 raisehill
Joined: 5/2/2016
Msg: 69
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/11/2016 7:07:00 PM
How can you possibly say whether she was the one for him? We also don't know if he was the one for her. She may be too messed up to know herself. If he is the one for her, she may not realize it until it is too late. The point is that people may be perfect for each other still can't work things out for whatever reason from immaturity to just being dumb.
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 70
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What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/11/2016 8:38:54 PM

How can you possibly say whether she was the one for him?

Because if she was, they'd still be together. A lot of people say "she's the one," but don't realize that "the one" is going to be the person who reciprocates.
 raisehill
Joined: 5/2/2016
Msg: 71
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/12/2016 4:52:31 AM
Nope, all sorts of reasons people screw up and don't end up with the ones they should be with. People are not perfect after all. Op at least realizes she is the one for him. He needs to find out, and she needs to find out if he is the one for her before it's too late.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 72
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What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/13/2016 3:33:35 PM
Maybe its the way u view people. All people are valuable and special in there own way. When u get to know someone new its not the same as any one else. That doesnt make it less special or less valuable, just different. Maybe its the fact that u cant have her. Its human nature to want what u cant have.
 raisehill
Joined: 5/2/2016
Msg: 73
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/13/2016 5:24:36 PM
"Its human nature to want what u cant have."

Who says? I've never wanted a woman who did not want me..never...I was only interested in women who were interested in me. To want otherwise is nonsensical. And it's also wring to assume just anybody new can replace the one.

Both of your opinions are nonsensical. Sorry
 Whisky_River
Joined: 12/2/2015
Msg: 74
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/13/2016 7:53:29 PM
First you say...

Op at least realizes she is the one for him. He needs to find out, and she needs to find out if he is the one for her before it's too late.


Then you say...

I've never wanted a woman who did not want me..never...I was only interested in women who were interested in me. To want otherwise is nonsensical.

In the OP's case and question....she has stated she no longer wants him and has moved on.
So, why encourage or give him hope.?

I have had 3 main relationships in my life and with all...I thought they were the "one and only"....
With the one that it really was...I never had any doubts..we were both committed and it was easy.
Lasted close to 20 years.
Just get busy...whether it's work or going out...just move on.
You shouldn't have to convince someone...You're the one for them.....ever!!!
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 75
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 5/13/2016 9:10:10 PM
Whisky River- The OP is only going to latch on to the fact that you admit you had "the one."
We have all tried, but he seems intent on staying the victim.
You all can keep trying, but I'm out'a here!
Let's hope his memory's of "the one" keeps him warm at night, because if he stays where he is, he's doomed.
Most of us get that and to tell him anything else is futile, he doesn't want to hear it, so we are wasting our time.
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