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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?      Home login  
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 TheYorkMan
Joined: 2/11/2005
Msg: 126
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?Page 6 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Unrequited love is a real nightmare, especially if you fall in love with someone who 'claimed' to love you back..... But then, for reasons they can't/won't explain, decide to walk away.
If you meet a person who you really think is 'the one', then you never truly get over it, and find yourself (as I am) knowingly (if perhaps subconsciously) comparing the 'potentials' when you get into those initial dates with them.

It's not simply a case of making a choice, if you have offered your heart to someone and truly felt completely in love with them, then it's a one in a billion chance of finding someone else who you connect with on that kind of level!
You can want to move on, make the moves, try get to know someone.....
But since I had my heart broken, I've never been close to having anything remotely similar (in terms of an emotional connection) to any woman I've met/dated since.

As such, the relationships don't seem to have a future, and I end up moving on...

Perhaps that's the choice you should be making a point about...
 no_to_usernames
Joined: 9/19/2015
Msg: 127
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 8/25/2016 2:13:38 PM
theyorkman - you're right. She is the only one I have ever truly given my heart to. The only one Ive ever seen a long term future with. I talk to and meet many women, I get asked out every week for dates - but she is the special one, the one above all others. Logically she isn't as she's the worst girlfriend Ive ever had, she treats men very poorly, but emotionally she is the one I'm most attached to :(

8 months on and although I've been on a first few dates, I compare the way I look at them to how I look at her. I think till I can completely eradicate her from my mind, then I am going to be unable to offer anyone anything long term.

I simply cant get her out of my mind for more than half an hour (this isn't an exaggeration):...I live relatively close to her, I drive near to where she lives for both work, leisure and visiting friends/family and there is no way around that, I still work in the same place we met where she has friends, my friend passed her in the supermarket the other day and mentioned it in the middle of general talk. So, I think the solution is to effectively run away and go work in Dubai - something I've always wanted to do and feel as though this might be the push needed for me to finally do it.
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 128
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What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 8/27/2016 1:11:41 AM
'She treats men poorly but emotionally she is the one I'm most attached to'

I don't understand this bit? If someone treats me poorly it makes me not like them. I lose feelings for people who treat me poorly?
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 129
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 8/27/2016 8:01:55 AM

'She treats men poorly but emotionally she is the one I'm most attached to'



I don't understand this bit? If someone treats me poorly it makes me not like them. I lose feelings for people who treat me poorly?


My first husband was exactly like my father.
Their behavior, personality, the way they treated me, the physical/verbal/psychological abuse, ...........identical.
They looked nothing alike and my father was religious, and never drank alcohol. My husband was an alcoholic.

As is often the case, as adults, we seek out emotionally, a person who is most "familiar" to us. We are drawn to the "chemistry" of our past. We unknowingly, recreate what we knew, what seems comfortable to us, even though..............it may be dysfunctional, and is often abusive.

We aim to "fix it", "right the wrong".

I can not speak for the OP, but perhaps this is the "Chemistry", he is familiar with, in this relationship. Food for thought.
 cujoandme
Joined: 8/14/2016
Msg: 130
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 8/28/2016 5:06:49 PM
I married my "the one"
If they left you, they weren't "the one"
If you left them, they weren't "the one"
Buck up little soldier and move on,
their are dragons to slay
And damsels to find
 no_to_usernames
Joined: 9/19/2015
Msg: 134
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 1/1/2017 10:16:09 AM
A year on - I bumped into her a few weeks ago. It was just my luck to take a knock back just as I had gotten the keys to my big new house (a new start and a renovation project) and was I starting CBT a few days later. We conversed for a few minutes and she quickly made an exit when I think she took what I said about a friend not moving in with me to mean someone else (a girlfriend) was. I believe her to still be with the guy she "rebounded" with, so I think its safe to say he isnt a rebound. This makes me more accepting as I know she isn't coming back like she has before.

I still have anxiety/a knot in my stomach and think about her all the time. I hope I'm not like this forever. I have stayed away from dating and seeing people etc, but now feel is the time I need to at least try to move on. I don't spend my weekends in bed, depressed anymore. I have new hobbies and plenty of goals I've set myself for this year too. My greatest fear is that I am still like this in a years time though, stressed and anxious nearly 24/7 over her and will have no choice but to runaway to Dubai :(

ps, I would like to say a big thank you to the person who sent me a few private messages a few months ago.

I wish all the people that have given their heart broken stories a happy new year and hope you're all happy in your lives, or at least are in the very near future.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 135
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 1/1/2017 10:28:15 AM
I've had so many ONES over the years since I started this OLD gig.

I'm numb now.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 12/2/2015
Msg: 136
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 1/1/2017 11:11:38 AM
Hey Clooney...good to see you back, hope all is well with your new relationship.


I've had so many ONES over the years since I started his OLD gig

I have a few friends that are the same as you....I'm trying to figure out, how a person can be attracted to so many people.
I have had many dates but felt that attraction for very few off of here.
So, my opinion is...there is nothing wrong with either approach.


I'm numb now

I will add...with the ones that have many relationships... seem to not have much passion or enthusiasm about a new "love".....jmo.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 137
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 1/1/2017 11:36:34 AM
^^^^^


".I'm trying to figure out, how a person can be attracted to so many people."




I know right ? When I read someone dates 3x/week I think to myself even if the women I found attractive on here ( in my " age range " ) , said yes to me I'd still only want to date about 5/MONTH !
 halcyon_skies
Joined: 7/27/2015
Msg: 138
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 1/1/2017 11:55:04 AM
If I couldn't be with The One, I think I'd take a guy who's never had sex before, over some balding guy with jacked up teeth, who's been divorced three times and is up to his eyebrows in alimony and child support.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 139
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 1/1/2017 12:25:16 PM
Did babblefish take his meds yet?
 _babblefish
Joined: 9/23/2011
Msg: 140
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 1/2/2017 9:09:52 AM

Did babblefish take his meds yet?



this rent free space i have in that bat shyt cave you call a head isn't exactly prime real estate,
would you mind if i sublet?

gung hay fat choy
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 141
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 1/2/2017 4:21:17 PM
So peurile...

How's the stewardess treating ya?
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 142
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 1/3/2017 5:20:11 PM

gung hay fat choy


Prospero ano y felicidad
 LLBean990
Joined: 11/19/2016
Msg: 143
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 1/3/2017 10:30:42 PM
I was in this situation, too. My relationship was toxic as he was also NPD, but I did not know what NPD was until after we broke up. We were together on and off 10 years. I loved him like no other. He was my soul mate. I lost 36 lbs when he left me the first time. Then 2 years later he came back. And I took him back and tried to be the best ever to him...well that did not work. So....I took his abuse, his controlling ways, his put downs, his manipulations....and then one day I had enough. After a big fight ( over his jealousy) I just packed my things and left. I had had it.

But, I still loved him. I still cared. But I just could not endure the roller coaster drama. I resented him after a while. And I felt relieved but still heartbroken.
I tried to date....and cried after every single one of them. So I took a BREAK....I took care of me. And you should do the same.

Do not worry about obsessing over her, crying over her, thinking about her or anything else. Just let it happen. Let it all out. And I promise you each day you will cry less. Each month you will obsess less. And after a few years....it will be less and less. These love chemicals need to leave your body. It's like going through withdrawl. So take it one day at a time....one hour at a time...whatever works for you.

But stop wanting her back. If someone does not want to be with you....they are not the ONE.
 Nestaron
Joined: 3/22/2016
Msg: 144
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 1/4/2017 1:31:24 PM
If you cant be with the one you love the one you are with
 drivingharmony2
Joined: 1/2/2017
Msg: 145
What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 1/7/2017 8:55:26 AM

Do not worry about obsessing over her, crying over her, thinking about her or anything else. Just let it happen. Let it all out. And I promise you each day you will cry less. Each month you will obsess less. And after a few years....it will be less and less. These love chemicals need to leave your body. It's like going through withdrawl. So take it one day at a time....one hour at a time...whatever works for you.
If someone does not want to be with you....they are not the ONE.


I could not have said it better, so worth repeating.
 knowledgeNIgnorance
Joined: 8/23/2015
Msg: 146
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What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 1/7/2017 8:46:39 PM

Do not worry about obsessing over her, crying over her, thinking about her or anything else. Just let it happen. Let it all out. And I promise you each day you will cry less. Each month you will obsess less. And after a few years....it will be less and less. These love chemicals need to leave your body. It's like going through withdrawl. So take it one day at a time....one hour at a time...whatever works for you.

What a depressing thought that ones misery need go on for years
Its not the time its what you do with the time that determines the rapidity of change
Starting CBT seems a good use of time by the OP



If someone does not want to be with you....they are not the ONE.

This I agree with


From the OP

My relationship was toxic, there were many unhappy times, but I'm an old romantic and believe you should be with the person you love the most, who you look at and melt.

So, how do I move on or are there people out there who remain single for the rest of their life? Has anyone else been unable to move on from the one? Love purgatory I think its called. It's like living in a mental prison of which there is no escape.

The good news is you created the prison if you use your CBT sessions wisely and learn the how and why you will be able to forge the key to getting out
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 147
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What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 1/10/2017 9:24:20 PM

She is the women I've loved the most BY FAR in my life. We were separated for a year and I dated, met other women, had one night stands and dated a girl for nearly 5 months. All of these things left me feeling empty, lonely and reinforcing how much I missed her and loved her.

Jesus. A year? I mean, I can understand still having some feelings to -some- degree about her when she comes up in mind... but if it's been a year and you still long for her, even after hitting the dating scene and dating another gal... yikes. The world revolves around her in your mind -- when no, even a gal way out of your league isn't worth all that.

I simply simply cannot find another person that 'matches' up to her, that I look at like her, that I feel for like her. This is why I know she is special.

NO! NO! Dude, you're w-r-o-n-g! That is NOT why she actually Is special. It's your feelings that make that "match" for the most part. If you were a great match, you WOULD still be together. You're getting it all wrong. You think she Literally Is Special because you Feel Special about her. That's a BAD litmus test. As you said -- the relationship was TOXIC. Wake the hell up!

You're justifying feeling this way as Legit, and that you Should feel this way about her. You WANT TO BELIEVE you SHOULD feel this way about her -- that is why your POV is so skewed.

How do you move on? You be Logistical. Zoom out. The world doesn't revolve around you, nor her. Realize you're an animal running on emotions, and it's going in overdrive. Emotional overdrive does not mean truth. At all. It's what you Want to be true. This is a Perfect example of when Your Gut is NOT a Good Compass. The reason you feel this way is because You Want To Feel This Way. Until you understand this concept, you will never be on an efficient track to heal AKA get over the gal -- who you were in a toxic relationship with! You want what you can't have. That's basically it. Zoom out, realize the world doesn't revolve around you, her, the ugly girl, the hot girl, the ugly guy, or the hot guy. You'll die soon enough and nobody will remember you not long after you do. The world doesn't revolve around you or I. You're putting too much stock into "yer gut" and what your emotions "say". In an odd way, at the time you posted this -- you WANTED to feel this way underneath it all, as odd as that sounds.
 Lind444
Joined: 12/26/2016
Msg: 148
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What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 1/29/2017 2:59:28 PM
Hi there
I cannot believe in what I am reading! My most recent ex is my 'one' so I KNOW what you mean. Exactly the same for me in that no-one matches up to what we shared before or since him. He is also with someone else but I know he should be with me. I am in the same purgatory love boat as you are. Write back...
 jlynn1955
Joined: 8/24/2012
Msg: 149
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What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 2/4/2017 7:49:43 PM
I hate that "THE ONE" thing..or "MR. RIGHT". Ugh. And fairy tales are just that...tales. But, I know what you mean. The one who meant more than the others. The one that "got you". You won't find another love just like that. You will find another love that is fulfilling and meaningful in many more ways. Better in many ways. But I don't believe there are 2 loves or relationships that are just alike. For one thing, now YOU are different. Don't compare them. Life has changed and it will continue to do so. Change with it and move forward to see what opportunities are out there. Look ahead, not behind you. You'll get there.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 150
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What Do You Do When You Can't Be With The One?
Posted: 2/6/2017 12:16:25 PM

My most recent ex is my 'one' so I KNOW what you mean. Exactly the same for me in that no-one matches up to what we shared before or since him. He is also with someone else but I know he should be with me.

No, he shouldn't. You're missing a key point that people by 25 years old usually catch onto: If they're not into you, they shouldn't be with you, nor should you Want to be with them. It still sucks of course, but if you keep thinking they should be with you, it's a whole other ballgame -- which you're in. You're not only thinking erroneously, you're also making yourself emotionally suffer.
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