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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up      Home login  
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 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 26
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn upPage 2 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Does this not come across as a bit of a non sequitur to anyone else here?

No, I agree. With someone you're ga-ga about, having sex with someone after 4 deep-seeded dates that followed 2 weeks of chat -- isn't some "super quick" factor. In society, although this is not at all a "slow draw", it's not a "fast draw" either. It's pretty standard, and wouldn't rack up one's # slept-with under those conditions.

Which is why it hurt her. The scenario wasn't something many comes across too often. She shouldn't hinge things on the sex. It still would have hurt her if she stopped at 2nd base, then the next fruitful many-hours date ended at 3rd. In realistic terms, the results would have been the same, even if you were to have leaned a bit on a slower draw. And she would have been hurt just as much, being so ga-ga into him, more dates more cementing that feeling, unless things were always kept Below making out even past a 4th date (but would hinder sparks as well, so pick your poison).

She should have realized that his very problematic emotional/depression problems are going to effect things, and not to expect running off into the sunset so quickly. It's not the sex part that was oh-so Quick really, but the emotional intensity and investment so quick, regardless of how far down the base path one went. One in his position can easily be ga-ga about a gal, but also very easily switch off, when compared to a regular Joe.

I think m_church's POV in a broad sense applies to him... that once you have sex and feel all those physical sparks that were warming up -- if your head was in the clouds before, you can end up getting a feeling like everything's done. So when the other person (many times gal) is visibly More into you and has serious-BF-GF-Now visions dancing in her eyes, you're going to re-assess things... and someone with his emotional problems is more apt to go from Honeymoon -> Crash.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 27
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/2/2016 5:37:57 PM
or perhaps the guy got overwhelmed with the feelings firing off in his brain, and he realized he isn't ready for a relationship. I don't think the "why" matters so much as the "what". he isn't available. Figuring out the "why" will only work for this guy, and there's nothing left to work with this guy.

sometimes sex is all about...getting laid. the relationship is what happens outside of that.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 28
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/2/2016 6:49:03 PM
Maybe the guy was on the rebound and not ready for anything serious?

He may have experienced the...Amygdala Hijack, or fight or flight response. The small part of your brain that takes over rational thinking and forces you into a fight or flight response when danger is imminent.

As someone alluded to earlier, he may have thought 'is this The One' way too soon and hijacked himself into oblivion.

Guilt.

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much over it.

But realize, this type of thing happens sometimes on the dating scene :(
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 29
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/2/2016 7:36:38 PM
It happens unfortunately and probably more prevalent with online contacts. He didn't really feel it was going anywhere probably but was happy to have the sex as men often are.

Having sex on the fourth date is not really so quick these days and a lot of guys wont hang around much after that, if they have invested time and money with you, if you are not up for it. You enjoyed the sex so don't regret doing that. Hopefully you used protection.....

He at least was honest and didn't string you alone any further. He may be in another relationship and not who he says he is at all. You in fact hardly know him really. He may or may not be really looking for a long term thing. But whatever, clearly not with you. You will get over it in time and you may have dodged a bullet.

You felt something for him and it hurts, I know. If you are so attractive to other men as you say, you will have other chances. Life and love are a gamble.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 30
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/3/2016 7:11:49 AM

I asked him why he wasn't feeling it and told him I would prefer to know what the incompatibility or dealbreakers were, since I like learning about myself for self-improvement in future relationships.


I wouldn't ask this question to someone that I went out on some dates with. But it didn't develop into a LTR.
1. That person is more likely to tell you a "white lie".
2. If they did tell the truth, you may not like it or agree with it.
3. If you changed something about yourself based on their answer, then you might find another person that would have liked the way you were. What's a dealbreaker to one person can be a turn on or a plus to the next person.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 31
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/3/2016 5:21:14 PM
LittleDreamGirl- I had a man that I was interested in IRL. I was unsure if he was attracted to me other than friendship.
He asked me over to watch a game, so I thought.....maybe.
We had a great time, at one point he was rubbing my back, hugging me, oh goodie, great signs, then-
When the game was over he went into this speech about him being black (well half white and half black, but he identifies as black) and me being white, what all he had been through in life and how "A middle aged white woman can't possibly understand me." (his words)
He ASSumed that my life was easy because I'm white.
Those who know me best here know how hugely off base he was.
How did I react?
I just said, "Ok, good luck in finding whomever makes you happy."
He looked surprised. I'm sure he expected a different reaction-That I would try to talk him into it, reason, explain, argue. He got none of that.
Then I thanked him for having me over, gave him a hug and left.
You can not control what others do and questioning yourself, doubting yourself is just living inside your own head and letting someone make you feel less than you are.
Get it out of your mind that you caused this, that there was something wrong with you or anything along those lines.
Whatever caused it will never be known.
He wasn't for you, but someone else will be and him walking a way was a gift if you can look at what happened in these terms:
He left and made room for someone that will want you and all that comes with you, so in the end, it worked out for the best for you. :)
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 32
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/3/2016 7:55:01 PM

He said he could easily continue to have sex with me but "knows" it wouldn't work long-term


Well, isn't that just so highly magnanimous of him?

Is he going to spend a 4 hour date with you each and every time?


In between dates he stayed in touch by email and text and would ask me how my day was, etc



THREE days went by, and I heard NOTHING from him.


Isn't it funny (but not ha-ha funny) how he was "feeling it" enough BEFORE the sex to invest so much time keeping in touch, but not AFTER the sex?

Newsflash: Not a coincidence.

OP, I'm more on your side than not, but unfortunately you contributed to the problem:


A lot of women would have judged him and ruled him out for all of these health problems, but not me.


And you should have followed the lead of those "lot of women", as you can see in hindsight.


The only thing he alluded to was that I didn't get some of the jokes he made.


Well, for the life of me, I can't think of a deeper excuse for someone to just vanish for 3 days after sex.


He said he now realizes that he's not ready for a relationship at the moment,


In these types of situations, does anyone ever realize that BEFORE the sex?
Or just conveniently after those "flying hormones" have been settled?

I would suggest next time moving even slower if you want to reduce the chances of this happening more than one time.
You can't guarantee it 100%, but if this is your fastest time frame ever, stick with the timetable you have followed in real life before.


since I've had a lot of success over the years starting and having real world relationships with men - both- long and short-term -


But, aren't they all gone now, too?
 JJBean21
Joined: 8/12/2015
Msg: 33
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/6/2016 5:20:44 PM
You learned a really hard lesson. He liked you obviously... so don't beat your self up. He spent time with you. On the fourth date, you went all in. He played his cards and you played yours. You lost. You can't get him back in the game.

A guy will make up his mind about you from day 1. He was willing to give you a shot. But something happened that he decided you weren't worth going all in again and again....i.e. being in a relationship. So take this as a lesson learned in the game of dating. Next time don't play strip poker until you are quite sure that the guy is into you emotionally and really wants to have something with you. He will make that crystal clear, but give it more time. You trusted this guy rather quickly. Now put your big girl panties back on and get back out there.
 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 34
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/7/2016 6:19:31 AM

So take this as a lesson learned in the game of dating. Next time don't play strip poker until you are quite sure that the guy is into you emotionally and really wants to have something with you. He will make that crystal clear, but give it more time. You trusted this guy rather quickly.


This advice is very likely to backfire on the OP. Most men her age don't find secretive and paranoid endearing. Stalling them will only make them angry at her. They think that there is something very wrong with a woman her age that plays peek-a-boo with her pvssy. Some guys may go along just long enough to teach her a lesson. Best outcome for the OP would be every guy saying, "so I'm not good enough for you. Adios head-case." Things might be different if she were open and frank. If she was as candid in her profile as she was in the opening post, I wouldn't be saying this. Unfortunately, men will be reading (or not reading) her profile and not her forum posts.


Now put your big girl panties back on and get back out there.


I do agree with this.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 35
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/7/2016 6:51:17 AM
^^^I agree, that a woman using her vagina as a prize to be won in exchange for a committed relationship will backfire. The OP is perpetuating the idea that if two adults agree to have sex and it doesn't have a happily-ever-after fairy tale ending until the end of time, somehow, the woman is a victim.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 36
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/7/2016 12:32:34 PM

Most men her age don't find secretive and paranoid endearing. Stalling them will only make them angry at her. They think that there is something very wrong with a woman her age that plays peek-a-boo with her pvssy.

I totally agree with your statement. However, I don't think that was the advice. I think a guy or girl withholding getting to 3rd base or more before it at least becomes apparent that they and the other person want to be an item, is just fine. I think that's good advice for those who don't want to exchange too many benefits in the pre-dating phase.

I think the problem is, from getting 'burned' in the past, too many gals will not just be avoiding things moving a bit too quickly, but will play that "peek-a-boo puzzy" for a sense of control. She may get a sense of "You go girl!" to take it out on the next guy what she lacked from the previous one -- and that Can work sometimes -- but no sympathy will be had, nor should it be, when they get burned again due to play those games. Most of the time they don't fully realize they're playing that peek-a-boo game -- they just think "Hey, I'm protecting myself, I'm a woman," while the better gal just takes it one step at a time and that's it.

Perhaps... But that would require everyone to be upfront with his or her intentions and that doesn't always happen...

I only think it's a requirement for the person who'd be emotionally hurt if things didn't work out as an item just because they had sex. By default, that's not expected. Ball's in their court if they have issue about it, to bring it up clearly. If two people are going to let one-thing-lead-to-another pretty swiftly, there's no unwritten or default rule that they're signing a contract to be an item. People who get butt-hurt think that of that imaginary 'rule' as protection when they really dig the other, but don't think of it when they aren't That into the other.

Just as women use their vagina as a prize for a committed relationship, men will promise a committed relationship in exchange for access to said vagina...

Even though we chuckle with stand-up comics about man/woman situation in dating or relationships -- and there is something similar to that on a lite scale, it's not literally like that. But some gals will play that Game, and unfortunately, get burned with no earned sympathy.

It's more about guys willing to sleep around because they're the chasers. Girls won't sleep around so readily because they're the acceptors/deniers to those who approach them. Thus, an average Jane going out to the right places and halfway decent game could be getting porked by an average Joe or better every socially-busy night. Due to that, there's not as much fun out of porking-around so readily. Sure, more than one thinks will on occasion, but not as their routine. They don't want to rush into it, that's all. But yes, some take that a step further and play the "it's a prize, earn it buster". That doesn't work out too well, as those who play this game are Asking a guy to chase her For Sex, instead of just not swiftly rushing into the physical aspect. Bad move.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 37
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/7/2016 12:46:09 PM
" peekaboo Pvssy?" Where you you come up with this stuff? Does she wear short shorts? Flash you ala Sharon Stone?
So they what do you call a man who with holds sex? NOTHING - lol
No seriously. I know someone has an answer
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 38
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/7/2016 12:49:44 PM

" peekaboo Pvssy?" Where you you come up with this stuff? Does she wear short shorts? Flash you ala Sharon Stone?

It's teasing for a sense of control and letting them know and telling/showing them that they 'have to earn it'. Again, a girl in that situation is literally asking him to chase her for sex. Bad idea. :)
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 39
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/7/2016 4:35:04 PM
OP you are wasting a lot of time trying to figure out what he is thinking. He is renting space in your head and you are homeless.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 40
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/7/2016 5:07:33 PM
Silly me - I thought people had sex because they liked sex.
" And the prize package chosen for you is..."
The woman who waxes me is gay.. I will have to ask her take on it.
Penny - you have the very best advice. I get a swooning 14 year old virgin - after that, well he wasn't in to you OP. Well except when you thought you were having amazing sex
Don't waste time trying to figure out others when like me you could waste that time trying to figure out yourself :)
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 41
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/7/2016 5:14:53 PM
I dunno. I think men are more guilty of the One n' Done trip to Pound Town thang.

The few women I've encountered that were non-commital would usually give me a few shags at least before putting me in their harem of men that were good for fun but nothing long term.

Hahahhahaaha
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 42
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/7/2016 5:42:18 PM
"Silly me - I thought people had sex because they liked sex.
" And the prize package chosen for you is..."

>>>Reminds me of the joke, fellow goes into the bedroom with the gal, notices all the plushies on the shelves, and figures she's a little immature. After the deed is done, he asks her how good she thought he was, and she says, "oh, you can choose any toy off the bottom shelf".

Most people have sex b/c they like sex. of course, there are other people, other situations, but....maybe a gay waxer will have a different tear on this subject. otherwise I think its headed south.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 43
rough sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/7/2016 6:28:36 PM
When a man did not .................or he didn't...............couldn't................wouldn't.
Seemed fairly simple to me. I don't need to know why. I never asked "Why?"

Moved on until, ............ he did..........he did again, ............he could .....................and he would.
No explanation necessary.
 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 44
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/7/2016 9:09:55 PM

So they what do you call a man who with holds sex? NOTHING - lol No seriously. I know someone has an answer


The answer is they call him a man. Women get called a variety of names because of their mercenary motives. Men view it as a shared experience. If men if withhold, it is because he doesn't want that experience or he senses exploitation in it. Women, on the other hand, hawk their vags like a used car. Younger men tend to willingly pay their price. Older men start to question why they would pay an inflated price for a carton of rotten eggs. That is why the commercial strategy is less likely to work for the OP.

Men of all ages prefer sex not be a transaction. Older men often acquire enough self restraint to refuse the transactions. Not always but often enough. Some men, myself included, take a dim view of any strings at all. Any price tag attached to her twat, no matter how small, is infuriating and ends any potential relationship then and there. Women don't value the experience. They value the profit. Sex for relationship = no deal. Peddle your ass somewhere else.
 LAEPF
Joined: 3/18/2016
Msg: 45
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/8/2016 12:56:59 PM
You said it yourself: How can two people possibly know each other only after the 4th date? The answer is they don't! If you're heart can be so easily broken after just meeting someone, you need to set some boundaries for yourself. I don't like telling people what to do so I will give it to you from my own experience. I used to go through this scenario over and over in my 20s. I was insecure and needy and always slept with them way too quickly, before really getting to know them. We had great conversations, they loved my body, they were falling in love with me, etc., etc., then why oh why did they never call the next day after sex? The answer is kind of simple: Women need to have an emotional connection to have sex and men need sex to have the emotional connection. It always hurts us more emotionally than them and that's why I learned to wait. I had to set clear boundaries. I also stopped being all clingy and needy when they dissapeared and as much as I wanted to call and ask WHY, I started giving them enough respect to just accept the answer which was the truth. Their truth. They just were not that into me.

He was honest with you. He also has some health issues that perhaps he just wants to work out on his own before he gets into a relationship. Any man who truly cares about you will totally respect and love you more if you decide to wait for sex. Leave something to be desired which will drive the next guy crazy for you. Give it at least a month or three before you hop into bed next time and leave that poor guy alone. Don't beat yourself up but learn from it and try not to make the same mistake again.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 46
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/8/2016 1:48:41 PM

Silly me - I thought people had sex because they liked sex.

Well, as the fable goes, some are conditioned to believe that girls like sex pretty much solely due to just emotional connection -- which isn't true. That fable rides off old views, and old views ride off ridiculous notions like female orgasms being a myth. Even some (extreme people) believe that to this day, just google it. :)

Unfortunately, even in modern times there's still residue from old times... thinking that if you have sex, it's equivalent to saying you're a couple no matter how/where/when you engage in it. And that for some, sex is a 1-way street for the guy -- and not much more than a donation by the gal with little to no non-romantic feelings involved on her part. Playing the "man has to Earn it" game unknowngly is asking him to chase her for sex -- which can be playful early on in certain careful contexts -- but many times not, thus, no sympathy for the gal when the other party comes down to earth and reassesses their feelings about things that she doesn't like.

The answer is kind of simple: Women need to have an emotional connection to have sex and men need sex to have the emotional connection.

I don't believe that to be true, although you can find that with some -- and even switching gender roles sometimes, too. It's too blanketed Mars/Venus stuff (from old-school country). Many men And women will need to have shared sexual experiences to have a full romantic & emotional connection formed. And there's no shortage of women Don't need a romantic emotional connection to want to have sex. There's non-romantic sexual joys with it for her, and obviously with him. I think upbringing & our social construct helps shape many women to heed having sex Unless there's an emotional connection, thus guilt... and also the nature of guys-chase-girls, where girls can have sex Much easier than guys can, so pound for pound (no pun intended), gals will more often tend to want more than Just-sex, since it's not such a mountain to climb to get just that. And guys will tend to want just-sex more often because just that alone does tend to be a difficult trail to cross (unlike her). But when it isn't so much a difficulty to get sex, he'll be more picky, too.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 47
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/8/2016 10:43:33 PM
ebolakitty- (RE:Post #46)I've seen some harsh things said before by angry males about women, but I think yours is a top contender for one of the worse. (notice my use of male and not man, that was purposeful)
I have NO respect for a male who thinks like you.
It's bs, it's backwards, regressive, hypocritical and a few other things I don't care to bother listing.
I know your type and as much as I know how someone like you happens, I still care barely believe such cretins exist.
In one post you managed to put all women in one basket, making references to used cars, rotten eggs, strings, price tags, twats, profit and ass peddling.
Dang, as insults go, I'm not sure you missed one.
I wonder who it was that messed you up so much that you hate women the way you do?
Did mommy take you off the tit too soon?
Daddy left and you blamed mommy?
Or maybe you just have a****that would cause you to envy my little pinky.
See, I can get insulting too, how do YOU like it?
Just speaking for myself, I don't know when I might have sex, I just go with the flow and take things one step at a time.
I tend not to have sex quickly (although I have) because I have to at least like the person and trust them some AND I'm almost 48 and have managed thus far not to get an STD and I would like to have it stay that way.
Some women hold out as a game, but they are in the MINORITY and very immature.
Just as most men that ARE men are the majority with butt hurt little ****es like you in the minority, thank GOD.
You can peddle YOUR ass back to 1950 with such bullshit, because THAT is where your kind of thinking belongs!
 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 48
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/9/2016 12:11:33 AM

See, I can get insulting too, how do YOU like it?


I'm fine with it because I'm not really complaining about the situation. All of my comments that seem to wound you so much are being made dispassionately from the outside looking in. I am not sexually active, don't intend to be so, I have no personal stake in it. In my opinion men, including me, have never had it better.

It hardly matters to me when and how quickly you have sex because you can't have sex with me no matter what you do. I don't care if you hold out. I don't care if you play games. Men who fall for them deserve what they get. It suits me that most men trip all over themselves catering to women's crap because I benefit from it as much as women do. If you really want to bust my chops take me back to the 50's. The very last thing that I would ever want to be is a real man[/].

I really think that what bothers you is that my type aren't going away. Whenever a woman gets mad at me, some loving father or devoted husband takes the beating and I prosper. Oh well, better luck next time.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 49
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/9/2016 2:04:01 AM
^ Well, clearly you're not going to buy me dinner.
 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 50
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/9/2016 2:18:02 AM
Think again Baby. If I am ever up Vancouver way, I'd be delighted. You are one of my favourites on this board.
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