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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up      Home login  
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 FlamingHotCheetos3
Joined: 5/6/2016
Msg: 74
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn upPage 4 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
This one is tough OP. Someone could have easily dumped you after having sex on the first or tenth date. If you hold sex is such high regard and don't want to be hurt emotionally, maybe it'd be best for you to abstain until commitment.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 75
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/14/2016 7:44:16 PM
I am with you mchurch

People tend to pick the same person over and over but just in different guise and have to deal with the same old issues, until they wake up and deal with it. Then they have a chance to move on to healthier happier relationships.

The girl who wanted the guy back because no one more exciting or attractive has come along, deserves to be avoided. The guy does not want to be settled for and has lost interest I would say.


 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 76
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/24/2016 8:25:52 PM
I came back to the thread to read more and I don't think that anyone else had mentioned this.. but OP didn't call him the day after sex. Why is it always the mans job to call after the first time you have sex? If I liked it and I wanted more I called the next day.
I've never been rejected after sex , but if I was I would not care to know why. Knowing that a man does not want to see me again is enough. Why do people torture themselves trying to get a reason?
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 77
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/24/2016 8:44:14 PM

OP didn't call him the day after sex. Why is it always the mans job to call after the first time you have sex? If I liked it and I wanted more I called the next day.

Well, I don't think there's a call-after-sex ritual. Whether they got to first base on the elongated date or porked like bunnies as they did, yeah, you would expect a reach-out, and no, it's not one-sided. You make a good point -- it's not like they met at a bar, exchanged #s, and she relied on him to make first call. Completely different scenario. Here's the summation of hers with nothing taken out in-between:

I had hoped he would have said "So when can we see each other this week?" but he didn't."

THREE days went by, and I heard NOTHING from him. I got a horrible feeling in my stomach. EVERY other guy I've ever slept with in my life couldn't wait to see me again and stayed in touch every day after our first time.

You're right -- she was playing baby games by not calling/texting him right after. If she didn't reach out and carried this mindset -- one does need to understand one can't defend it... it's not honorable, traditional, etc. Her position cries out neediness + "guys reach out to me. It's what I deserve. It's what's Supposed to happen!" No, it's not Supposed to. Some people have a skewed lens in the world of dating with a sense of righteousness.

BUT, I will say this: It wasn't that she didn't reach out to him. I think what she wrote reflected her mentality which was expressed in other ways while she was there and things sunk in for him, and in the morning assessing things about going down being-an-item alley (which he wasn't really ready for anyway). If she reached out to him, the results, IMO would have been the same. Technically, I guess -- maybe if she relied on him calling/texting him Every Day to initiate, would her initiation the next day have maybe helped the ball roll some? Maybe. Maybe. I seriously doubt it though. And I'm much more sure that if it did, the results in the near future would have been the same.

In the end, I'm sure his version would shed more light... maybe that once things started clicking she revealed part of her persona that brought things into question, but of course rolled with things when the fireworks were heating up... and after the fireworks display between them (in the bedroom), the next day, reassessing things -- he may have been forced to put things in perspective as expressing wanting/expecting way-too-much-too-quick. After all, he was kind of new to this... then maybe realized "Yeah, maybe this isn't such a good idea to go down this super quick alley. If I try to 'slow things down' that doesn't work, and this concept has already turned me off about the concept."
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 78
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/25/2016 11:44:50 AM
^^ Yes, it would be enlightening to hear his side of things.
 Perspektiv
Joined: 4/24/2016
Msg: 79
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 5/25/2016 5:47:43 PM
Sex on the 4th date is crazy fast.

There's no way you even remotely know the guy that fast. Slow it down next time, and chalk this one up as experience.
 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 80
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/5/2016 1:08:17 AM
I haven't checked this thread in a while and I just want to say thank-you so much to each and every one of you for giving your input, thoughts, opinions, kind words, and for sharing some of your own experiences. I am so impressed with the number of responses - I really had not expected that! It's greatly appreciated. :)

Just in response to the last couple of comments:

PennyAnte: I don't feel that it is ALWAYS the man's job to call after sex. Every situation/ person/ relationship is different. If I was in a relationship with someone and felt close to them, or they were a close friend that became a lover, and I felt like talking to them the day after sex then I would in fact contact them and not think "oh it's the man's job." But in this particular case because I did not know this guy well, nor did I feel very emotionally close to him. I was in no rush to reach out and contact him shortly after we slept together. I never said in my original post that I felt that it was his job to contact me right after we slept together. I was simply disappointed that he didn't because of what that indicated to me (that it might mean he's not that into me). Sometimes if you're not sure how someone feels about you the best thing to do is just step back and observe what THEY do. Which is what I did. And after 3 days I had my answer.

norwegianguy456 writes:
she was playing baby games by not calling/texting him right after. If she didn't reach out and carried this mindset -- one does need to understand one can't defend it... it's not honorable, traditional, etc. Her position cries out neediness + "guys reach out to me. It's what I deserve. It's what's Supposed to happen!" No, it's not Supposed to. Some people have a skewed lens in the world of dating with a sense of righteousness.

BUT, I will say this: It wasn't that she didn't reach out to him. I think what she wrote reflected her mentality which was expressed in other ways while she was there and things sunk in for him, and in the morning assessing things about going down being-an-item alley (which he wasn't really ready for anyway). If she reached out to him, the results, IMO would have been the same. Technically, I guess -- maybe if she relied on him calling/texting him Every Day to initiate, would her initiation the next day have maybe helped the ball roll some? Maybe. Maybe. I seriously doubt it though. And I'm much more sure that if it did, the results in the near future would have been the same.

In the end, I'm sure his version would shed more light... maybe that once things started clicking she revealed part of her persona that brought things into question, but of course rolled with things when the fireworks were heating up... and after the fireworks display between them (in the bedroom)"


First of all, norwegianguy456 thanks very much for taking the time to offer your input and insights multiple times on my post. It's always great to get a guy's perspective and I greatly appreciate it. Just to clarify: you are interpreting what I felt would have been NICE for "righteousness" or some sense of entitlement that just because I have slept with someone that that means that it's their job to contact me shortly afterwards. That's not what I meant in my original post. I wasn't playing games by not contacting him after we had sex. I simply did not feel like it. You say that my "position cries out neediness." But I didn't have a specific position - I was simply going with how I felt in that particular situation with that particular guy. Why would you say that just because I was disappointed that he didn't contact me and that I chose not to contact him that it means I was being needy? I would think the opposite would be true - ie. if I was contacting him every day just because we had sex, to me that would be needy. I believe in giving people some space, had no desire to initiate contact with him right away, and did NOT want to give him the impression that just because we had slept together that it meant I viewed us in an insta-relationship (because I did not). And when I said in my original post that in the past any time I've slept with someone the guy contacted me shortly afterwards, I was simply sharing my previous experiences. It wasn't that I "needed" them to - they simply did it because they were keen to keep seeing me and seemed to really like me. So when HE didn't contact me the next day or the day after that, I was disappointed because I realized that compared to my past experiences, it most likely meant he wasn't so into me. As it turns out, I was right.

Also could you please clarify the following statement. I genuinely wish to know what you mean by it, but am not sure I understand it: "I think what she wrote reflected her mentality which was expressed in other ways while she was there and things sunk in for him, and in the morning assessing things about going down being-an-item-alley...the next day, reassessing things -- he may have been forced to put things in perspective as expressing wanting/expecting way-too-much-too-quick. After all, he was kind of new to this... then maybe realized 'Yeah, maybe this isn't such a good idea to go down this super quick alley. If I try to 'slow things down' that doesn't work, and this concept has already turned me off about the concept.' "

Are you saying that you think that he thought I was "expecting way-too-much-too-quick"? And if so, what gave you that impression? I actually never once told him I expected anything...I never indicated that just because we had slept together that it meant we were an item or anything of the sort. I did in subtle ways let him know that I was enjoying his company and interested in continuing to see him. But I was very careful not to put any pressure or do anything that would make him mistakenly think I considered him my boyfriend after only 4 dates. And when you say he was "kind of new to this" what do you mean? New to what? And when you say that what I wrote reflected my mentality, what mentality was that? The mentality that I liked him and hoped that it was reciprocal? Please tell me what you think about my "mentality" that might have turned him off.

I do agree with both you and PennyAnte that it would be great to hear his version of what happened between us. Which is what I tried to get him to share with me when we spoke on the phone when he told me he wasn't feeling "a connection." But he either didn't know, or wouldn't share what the specifics were. But are you implying that you think I'm leaving something out in my original post of what went down? Or that my perspective is skewed and I am not telling you accurately what happened? My original post was quite long because I wanted to be sure to share as much of what really happened as possible. I am far from a perfect human being (like everyone) and if I did something specific to turn him off then I would want to know what that was. I am not one of these people who gets super defensive when I get feedback from someone. I am always looking to self-improve and in terms of relationships with men my desire is to always learn from past mistakes and do whatever I can to make any future relationship I have a good one.
 LittleDreamGirl
Joined: 4/27/2016
Msg: 81
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/5/2016 1:35:51 AM
Perspektiv writes:
Sex on the 4th date is crazy fast. There's no way you even remotely know the guy that fast. Slow it down next time, and chalk this one up as experience.


I completely agree with you. It's the fastest I've ever had sex with ANYONE. Seems these days it's pretty standard and people are sleeping together very quickly, but for me it was very early. I kinda let my hormones get the better of me and decided to take a leap of faith and trust the guy. I've had good experiences in the past with men and have never been "dumped" immediately after having sex for the first time with someone. So I trusted things would go well in this case as well. But in the past, I also knew the guys for a longer period of time before sleeping with them, so I had a much better sense of how they felt about me and they had made it pretty clear they wanted a relationship with me. So this is a HUGE lesson learned. I will NEVER sleep with someone that quickly again. You just can't know what their intentions are or what kind of a person they are. And for me, since I'm not looking for casual sex or a one night stand I will definitely wait longer in future to make sure that me and the guy are on the same page. This experience really hurt and I don't want to go there again.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 82
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/8/2016 7:38:16 AM
I can understand people not being ready for sex on the 4th date. But in general, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Having sex for the first time with someone relatively early ( 3rd or 4th date ) can often mean the chemistry / connection developed quicker. Compared to waiting until a later time.
 ebolakitty
Joined: 3/19/2016
Msg: 83
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/8/2016 8:04:49 AM
Here is a revolutionary idea. Instead of using sex as bait, why not only have sex when you actually want it for yourself?
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 84
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/8/2016 12:30:23 PM

If I was in a relationship with someone and felt close to them, or they were a close friend that became a lover, and I felt like talking to them the day after sex then I would in fact contact them and not think "oh it's the man's job."

But since you're not in a relationship, you do think, in a certain way it's what they guy's "supposed to do", right? That's where the 'baby games' criticism comes in.

I wasn't playing games by not contacting him after we had sex. I simply did not feel like it.

And people with inner emotional games will feel they (simply/naturally) do not feel like it. Point is, it would have just been as Nice for you to call him, as he to call you. If you disagree, that's where things are a bit off, is my point.

But I didn't have a specific position - I was simply going with how I felt in that particular situation with that particular guy.

Okay. If it's Simply how you merely just felt to yourself -- kind of like having ice cream in that moment instead of cake... great. Then you shouldn't feel disappointed that he didn't call when you didn't call. If you did, then it's not merely "simply felt like not calling".

Why would you say that just because I was disappointed that he didn't contact me and that I chose not to contact him that it means I was being needy?

Because you were Disappointed. It wasn't simply a feeling. Be honest with yourself, tho. All of us guys & girls will have our moments being a little too much into this zone. It doesn't make us a Needy Person, but it's a Needy Moment, at least (again, neediness in the sense of emotional satisfaction related to what 'should' be done by the other ideally). Because you're emotionally expecting him to reach out to you -- to quench your emotions. Hence, the disappointment when he doesn't.

And when I said in my original post that in the past any time I've slept with someone the guy contacted me shortly afterwards, I was simply sharing my previous experiences.

You were Not Simply sharing your previous experiences. Again, be honest. It's your Expectation based on your previous experiences -- and, to be honest, others', too that falls in line. Expectations. Not a rule of law, but expectations.

So when HE didn't contact me the next day or the day after that, I was disappointed because I realized that compared to my past experiences, it most likely meant he wasn't so into me.

You felt disappointed/worried during the next day (it didn't take the day after), without reaching out. But YES, you did have good reason to Question his interest, since he would reach out more often. At that point though, you guys already did something significant... to that, is what I say, put on the big girl pants (or big boy pants for guys where the girl has been reaching out to him previous) and reach out. :)

I genuinely wish to know what you mean by it, but am not sure I understand it: "I think what she wrote reflected her mentality which was expressed in other ways while she was there and things sunk in for him, and in the morning assessing things about going down being-an-item-alley ..... If I try to 'slow things down' that doesn't work, and this concept has already turned me off about the concept.' "

You were coming on very strong -- which feeling so, by your posts, would require to have sex so soon. To him it was a big deal too of course, but he wouldn't require feeling So So strong to do it. In a nutshell, him getting the feeling that there's going to be insta-couple going on. I've been there before. We have sex on the # of dates you can count on 1 hand easily, and the gal is All About You.

Now, you can criticize him for trying to mind-read. I get it. But girls do the same thing about guys. It's a human nature thing. One wants the other too much too fast -- it has a low % of working out when there's a mismatch. Having someone slow down their uber-like won't work. Being concerned about it and trying to be suddenly unconcerned about it won't do it either. So people get turned off preemptively, when they read it.

I actually never once told him I expected anything...I never indicated that just because we had slept together that it meant we were an item or anything of the sort.

You don't have to make a speech or anything close to it about it. It's reading people and piecing things together. But again, let's be honest -- you were Devistated right after, which shows that Is how you felt. Hey, there's nothing Wrong with being ga-ga about someone and being hurt. Heck, we can be that way about crushes when we spend some good time with them, but then find out, no, they're not interested in us, even though some legit signs were there. We can ride off those legit signs as the Only signs, etc.

And when you say that what I wrote reflected my mentality, what mentality was that?

In a nutshell -- that you were crushed because the guy didn't like you, and that this was a travesty, basically.

The mentality that I liked him and hoped that it was reciprocal?

You're trying to back-pedal to simplify how you felt as something small. It was more than going out on a date with a guy, things going well, but him not calling you afterward... then you reaching out and him explaining why he wasn't interested, etc -- despite bantering several times well before the date and the date going well.

Please tell me what you think about my "mentality" that might have turned him off.

If you step outside yourself and be self-questioning -- I think you'll see it. It doesn't mean he represents every guy or that he his emotions weren't Too Hasty. My guess, if giving you some benefit of the doubt, and him less benefit of doubt? It was both. You being too geeked about him, him being too frazzled about it after the dust settles and has understandable worry. "Too soon" for him jumping into it without being frazzled, due to lack of his experience.

The dating game can be weird when emotions on either side are sensitive, when you jump into things too early (and sex isn't necessarily required). With some people, it's just fine and aren't phased.
 ThisIsWhatYouCameHereFor
Joined: 6/4/2016
Msg: 85
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/8/2016 8:43:19 PM
When people hop in the sack too fast this is what happens. Live and learn. No one knows anyone well enough on 4 dates and sex. That's simply an invitation for craziness.
 Bluematrix005
Joined: 5/11/2016
Msg: 86
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/8/2016 9:13:29 PM
^^^ I disagree. Some people have sex on the 3rd or 4th date and end up together forever or for 25 years or 15 years or a year. Go at you own pace. And I can't for the life of me see why a person this age is all torn up about this, it was 4 dates. Next time, make a better decision for yourself.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 87
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/9/2016 9:53:42 AM
What happens if they wait until date number 649382, or does the "no sex until marriage" routine, and the sex sucks? To me, it would be like text love affairs, like seen on the TV show Catfish-where people exchange hundreds or thousands of text messages to each other for months or years, fall madly in love with each other, but one of them always has excuses why they can't meet in person just yet, and usually for good reason-because it usually results in disappointment. So if someone is hung up about having sex too soon and would feel guilty about it or feel used, it usually will result in disappointment.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 88
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/9/2016 10:19:19 AM
Quick sex is hopefully the start of something special but there's always the risk of a monogamy negotiation the next morning.

Would rather risk exposing the negotiation seeking agenda sooner then later after resources have been depleted.
 Inner_Gorilla
Joined: 12/3/2015
Msg: 89
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/9/2016 2:38:34 PM

Quick sex is hopefully the start of something special but there's always the risk of a monogamy negotiation the next morning.


They will mark your place by leaving a tooth brush in your bathroom and panties is different places.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 90
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/10/2016 9:53:36 AM
After reading this again, I think some of you are right....... he might not have been a player. It sounds like he had depression issues.

Nevertheless, you may not have a solid relationship for up to two months - so don't count on anything before then.

Also, some people can have sex but not be interested in you.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 91
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/10/2016 11:43:56 AM
LittleGirl... btw. I had sex with a man the first day I met him and we were married for 10 years. It probably wasn't about the sex. This guy might have been a flying monkey. You don't know. It sometimes doesn't work out if you have sex too soon and sometimes it does. Let it go. You are letting this guy rent space in your head and you are homeless.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 92
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/12/2016 3:24:40 PM

Sex on the 4th date is crazy fast.

It's not crazy fast, and I'm not saying that merely out of personal opinion. If/when two people are hitting it off well, it's pretty standard to have sex within 4-6 dates. A player isn't going to want to put on a facade of being into them, texting them all the time, having periodic phone conversations, and going out on 4 dates during 2-3 weeks just to get sex. If he's doing all that just to get sex, he's not much of a player. All that investment shows that he's actually into her.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 93
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/12/2016 6:19:39 PM
A player might have no better options at the moment or he sees this as a challenge. That's why he may wait until the 3rd or 4th date for sex. Having said that, it certainly doesn't always mean a man in this situation is a player. For example, the quote below may have applied to him.



He may not have been emotionally available for a relationship. He could have unresolved issues from past relationships and/or he still has feelings for a former girlfriend.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 94
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/12/2016 6:22:20 PM
Others on other threads have said they'd date 4's and 5's for dating practice using Viagra and/or booze until a 7 or higher entered the picture.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 95
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/12/2016 9:09:09 PM

A player might have no better options at the moment or he sees this as a challenge.

Well, not in the context of two people hitting it off. He could faux do this for a date or two, but hitting it off isn't just on the date but fruitfulness between them, too. For a majority of players, it's about Not having to do all that to get some action. It's about getting action before a date would be had, or laying up by going out on a 1st date to get laid... and maybe a 2nd or sometimes a 3rd. A player's goal isn't to trick/manipulate women in any way -- it's to get action by the most effective/quickest means necessary (until they meet someone worthy of actually Dating). It might sometimes include tricking/manipulating women to maximize his chances -- but it's certainly not required when it comes to players' narrow time-window... as when a guy or gal is going to put-out real darn quick, they had their own thumb under their waistband really early on.

I understand what you're saying about seeing it as a challenge -- but IMO, going the route where it's Not actually really fast -- but instead investing a lot into it thru 4+ dates and fruitfulness in-between that time between the two of them where it's hitting it off in a great way for 2-3 weeks, I would see him not really being a player, but more of a psychopath who's into manipulating others (and the pleasures during sex just a bonus).

But, going out on 4 mere dates -- and not much communication in-between -- and them being casual going-out-having-some-drinks-during-the-week dates in a short time span... yeah, I could see a player doing that ... as that is where it'd be seen as "too physical, too soon", due to lack of substance throughout and in a short-time frame... as opposed to truly hitting it off and spending a lot of time & communication together thru 4 very fruitful solid Dates.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 96
Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/13/2016 7:09:24 AM

LittleGirl... btw. I had sex with a man the first day I met him and we were married for 10 years. It probably wasn't about the sex. This guy might have been a flying monkey. You don't know. It sometimes doesn't work out if you have sex too soon and sometimes it does. Let it go. You are letting this guy rent space in your head and you are homeless.


Be careful. On the "How many times have you gone out on a first date that did not go further?" thread, some people ( not me ) would have labeled you as a "promiscuous slut" for having sex that quickly. LOL.


But, going out on 4 mere dates -- and not much communication in-between -- and them being casual going-out-having-some-drinks-during-the-week dates in a short time span... yeah, I could see a player doing that ... as that is where it'd be seen as "too physical, too soon", due to lack of substance throughout and in a short-time frame... as opposed to truly hitting it off and spending a lot of time & communication together thru 4 very fruitful solid Dates.


I don't necessarily disagree with you. Just saying there are possible situations when I can see a player waiting 3-4 dates for sex.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 97
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/16/2016 8:21:52 PM
yes south city. I was perhaps being a slut but that is one of the reasons my husband loved me so much.. :) I was a good slut.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 98
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Dumped after having sex on 4th date - am completely torn up
Posted: 6/19/2016 11:48:28 AM

I don't necessarily disagree with you. Just saying there are possible situations when I can see a player waiting 3-4 dates for sex.

In the end, I see someone not being a player if they go past the 3-date-marker (on actual dates). I mean, given certain circumstances and such, sure, it can be the case as an off-beat exception due to it. So for all practical purposes, if he's going out on a 4th date with the gal who all he's gotten was a few parking-lot kisses, he's not acting out as a player... and if he is one, he's not being one in that instance, as there's something more that he wants if one's to put any money on it.

Much like having sex on the 1st date and ending up being BF/GF -- yet calling the girl a 'slut'. She wasn't being a slut by following that up with going steady & becoming BF/GF... so IMO, it'd be safe to assume that if it's 4 full-fledged dates he's going on, he has some Real interest if he's otherwise a player or could be one (where one is driven to pork a girl before a 1st date, after a 1st date, or after a 2nd).
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