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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Do most men consider women who are on pof to be "damaged goods"?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 AgentNinety9
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 251
morals are retroPage 11 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)

there are some right here. They seek a monogamous relationship or, already are in such a relationship yet, they staunchly support the practice of habitually indulging in casual meaningless sex.

Ugh, those hussies! They obviously need your personal instruction on how not to be so morally elastic. Step right up ladies, take a number.
 softwinds45
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 252
morals are retro
Posted: 6/16/2016 5:47:26 AM
Numbers? I would much rather know his relationship history. I find that far more telling. How many marriages or live-ins? How long did these relationships last? Did you cheat on any of your partners? Did they cheat on you (this important too)? Was there abuse in any of these relationships? Did you manage to raise your children from these relationships? Tell me about you mother and your sisters.

Those are just a few things I find far more telling than if she/he slept with 20 people.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 253
view profile
History
morals are retro
Posted: 6/16/2016 6:05:50 AM

Numbers? I would much rather know his relationship history. I find that far more telling. How many marriages or live-ins? How long did these relationships last? Did you cheat on any of your partners? Did they cheat on you (this important too)? Was there abuse in any of these relationships? Did you manage to raise your children from these relationships? Tell me about you mother and your sisters.

How odd - that's what we're talking about already. To talk about numbers is to talk about these other things. That's the whole point.

For some odd reason, whenever we talk about 'the number', it gets characterized as only that number and being shallow and judgmental about the number. As if it's not really about just getting to know some of these things. The point is to go beyond a simple number, in order to get some real insight into who a person may be. This includes the fact that a person might not today be who they were yesterday, whereas it's always alleged that a person doesn't see that possibility. It's also all about looking at all of the other reasons why any facts are as they are. Der?
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 254
morals are retro
Posted: 6/16/2016 6:08:38 AM
Why stop at asking potential partners her number - ask every woman you know so you can better judge her moral character.
I am still waiting to hear what it the correct answer FM.
 softwinds45
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 255
morals are retro
Posted: 6/16/2016 7:14:29 AM
Mr. Drinks, I somehow think that saying "I was married for 17 years, we divorced and remain friends. I dated on and off for 5 years and then found a nice man and we lived together for 3 years and parted amicably. I've been dating a bit since then" is going to cut it as an answer for a couple of people posting here.

We all have our caution flags and our red flags. I, personally, look at things like "social" drinking, men hitting 60 and their longest relationship is under 7 or 8 years, weight, is he a job hopper, is he living with his mother and why, does he see his kids, etc. Conversation starters, just chatter. Far more telling.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 256
morals are retro
Posted: 6/16/2016 10:42:48 AM

Step right up ladies, take a number


LOL Thank you very much, I don't mind if I do.
I like the number 7, always been my favorite number. My birth day of the month.
The number 2 is nice also. I have 2 children.
Not so fond of 11 or 13, LOL


By asking the right questions, listen and observe.


Ahemmm, ^ ^ ^ ^ Applies to BOTH, MEN and women.!



And it is the woman who defines "right questions" in that sentence. Very nice.


Take note: ACTUALLY, My earlier post clearly showed a reference to............."(OR MAN)".
I keep things EQUAL.
BOTH men and women IMO, SHOULD want to know, need to ask questions such as, for example, what softwinds45 has mentioned in msg 269 and 262.

IF IF IF IF I were ask a man his "number", of which I have never asked any man "How many?",
Well..................To be perfectly honest, .............Rhett, I just don't give a damn.
I can tell by his actions, by his words in conversation, by the company he keeps, by his children, his son, his daughter, by his sister, AND the way he remembers his mother, the way he treats my mother,
my aunt, my daughter, my granddaughters,........................ALL of these thing are relevant.........................
To form an opinion of the man, AND from this opinion, determine he and I could be compatible for LTR.

The number of "How many?" Pffft!


Again, for the record, I do not approve or disapprove of what another woman /man chooses to do sexually speaking,
including, How often? How Many?
What she or he did, or do, is none of my business. It is their business, not mine. I may consider some things inappropriate for myself, but that is of my choosing. I completely approve of the rights of an adult, (take note I said, "adult") to exercise their right to choose for themselves. My only concern at the present is HE with me, and ME with him. Easy peasy!

The number of "How many?" Pffft!

All this talk of "numbers", and "how many". Maybe someone could watch Sesame Street.
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 257
view profile
History
morals are retro
Posted: 6/16/2016 10:59:19 AM
"It's not so much keeping count as being able to remember who I slept with.."

To have a count, you have to think and add up the number.
Most of the rest of us have a life, and don't want/need to think about remembering ex's.

"I think it would be kind of sad if someone has fcuked people and they can't remember them.."

Of course, it would. Suggesting that people who haven't added up the number is because they can't remember is a silly idea.
 chinook1111
Joined: 4/1/2016
Msg: 258
morals are retro
Posted: 6/16/2016 4:44:02 PM
Don't tell any woman that asks,even the last few is a mistake IMO.I can only remember significants, can't remember all the others at any one time.No point digging through the history.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 259
view profile
History
morals are retro
Posted: 6/16/2016 7:39:40 PM
whatsamatterbaby:

- Like, say a woman's promiscuity is an effect of her having been sexually abused as a child, or some such.

- Oh you GOTTA be kidding. Do you really not see what's wrong with this?

If someone's level of promiscuity was really them being sexually abused as a child, then that's the kernel of info being sought after, not the number...or rather, if that's the case, then a person might not care what that number is if it's because of that. In other words, the problem I keep seeing (so much that it seems like a dumb game) is pretending or assuming that someone wouldn't look past some number when in fact what's behind it is what a person might be wanting to know. And in this case...an amount of sex in the past being because of sexual abuse, then a person might not want to know it at all, because they'd understand that's a bit sensitive and personal and wouldn't even qualify as the kind of insight that is being sought. A person might volunteer that fact that this happened to them, and that would be enough. It has no bearing on what's really being sought after in these kinds of conversations - we keep talking about asking about the number, but in reality I'm pretty sure that few people literally ask for that number but instead are asking about something else. If anyone wants to still play that off and pretend that they don't understand why someone would even want to know this info...then that is just that. And beside the point.
 flman2015
Joined: 10/3/2015
Msg: 260
morals are retro
Posted: 6/16/2016 8:36:54 PM





I am still waiting to hear what it the correct answer FM.


You should have said something earlier, I wouldn't have kept you waiting.

When a woman can no longer mentally keep track of the "partners" she's had then she's had too many. This definition has a definite plus which some women may like... using it as the acid test, the word slut could be more flatteringly redefined as... "a woman with bad memory".

There is a special case though....

Once a woman pretends to be entitled to tell a man what he should or, should not, be concerned about in the process of determining if a woman is a good match for him then, her memory, whether good or bad, becomes completely irrelevant.

In both cases, most men can do much better than that for themselves.




They obviously need your personal instruction on how not to be so morally elastic.


They neither need nor will ever get my instruction. Life is a much better teacher than anyone, therefore, if life cannot teach them moral values, no one can. (this thread definitely attests to that.)




But thank you for the entertainment.


You're most welcome.... (as long as it's from a distance and, the greater the distance the better.)


Now... the following is a really good post....



Numbers? I would much rather know his relationship history. I find that far more telling. How many marriages or live-ins? How long did these relationships last? Did you cheat on any of your partners? Did they cheat on you (this important too)? Was there abuse in any of these relationships? Did you manage to raise your children from these relationships? Tell me about you mother and your sisters.

Those are just a few things I find far more telling than if she/he slept with 20 people.


If men acted like some of the women in this thread, the answers would be along the lines of....

How many marriages or live-ins ?... that is a stupid question. Why would anyone think this is relevant ?

How long did these relationship last ?... only a b*tch (female equivalent of "azzhole" ?) would ask. It's obvious there is nothing wrong with having had 7430 one night relationships. Relationship duration... what a stupid question.

Did you cheat on your partners ?... that is downright offensive, a vulgar attempt at questioning a man's morality. Talk about retro!

Did they cheat on you (this important too)? ... this one is impressive, it suggests that a woman may cheat... everyone knows women don't cheat, they just get their itch scratched. The fact that she was itching is _obviously_ her partner's fault.

Was there abuse in any of these relationships? ... again, very offensive.. implying a man would be abusive... no such man has ever existed. Plus, there is nothing wrong with that anyway. Another b*tch questioning a man's values... total lack of social graces!

Did you manage to raise your children from these relationships? ... what ???... we have to educate them scratches ?... what is this 1955 ?

Tell me about your mother and your sisters... this one is really extreme. None of the men in this thread have ever wanted to know about the woman's mother and sister's numbers. That one really crossed the line.


Bottom line...

If a man attempted to circumvent answering any of those questions, there is no telling how that would be viewed but, if a man is concerned about the sexual behavior of a woman he is considering as a partner, he is "immature" an "azzhole", "stupid", "retro" (I love that one) and who knows what else.

This thread reveals a rather disappointing fact.... there are some women who are much better at asking for honesty than they are at giving it.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 261
morals are retro
Posted: 6/17/2016 12:43:15 AM

...................we keep talking about asking about the number, but in reality I'm pretty sure that few people literally ask for that number but instead are asking about something else.


Weeeeellllll, why didn't you say this back at the beginning, back at the first week of May, back on page one ?

"in reality >>>>>>"few people literally ask for that number......"

Goodness gracious, WTH do you think some of us here, have said over and over. Right from the git go!

LOL And to the rest of this

................an amount of sex in the past being because of sexual abuse, then a person might not want to know it at all,


I remember well the day my 2nd husband asked me a question and I answered his question.
He never said so, but I'm sure it was no coincidence that our sex life came to a screeching halt, from that day forward.

Be careful what you ask for.
 AgentNinety9
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 262
morals are retro
Posted: 6/17/2016 5:14:21 AM

I would much rather know his relationship history. I find that far more telling. How many marriages or live-ins? How long did these relationships last? Did you cheat on any of your partners? Did they cheat on you (this important too)? Was there abuse in any of these relationships? Did you manage to raise your children from these relationships? Tell me about you mother and your sisters.

Do you interrogate a guy before you go to bed with him, so you can be sure that's a safe thing to do? Or does the cross-examination start after getting down, so you can establish something that feels like intimacy before you start asking questions that might otherwise seem a bit too personal? Alternatively, do you casually drop these questions into the convo over the course of 3 or 4 dates to make them less icky? "Such nice weather we're having isn't it, and did you ever lose your temper and slap your girlfriend? And did she really deserve it or do you think you made a mistake? Just asking." I'm wondering how to manage the interview. This seems like a really intense line of questioning for a cup of coffee.
 softwinds45
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 263
Dumb questions should be worded better
Posted: 6/17/2016 5:58:39 AM
Actually, the marriage/relationship questions have usually been brought up on the first date and the conversation started about half the time by me and half the time by the man. Men want to know this as well. The same with how long did the marriage/relationship last, usually in the same conversation. IMO, a guy 50 or more years old should have had at least ONE relationship lasting 10 or 15 years. One guy told me, over coffee and ice cream first meet, that he had been married 3 times, had a live in that produced a daughter he rarely saw, he wanted a woman to marry and take to church and he then asked if I was one of those that had to wait until the third date to "put out", I walked out. Any question I had was answered right there over coffee. Easy.

The other questions I've not directly asked but this discussion veered into "how many have you had sex with" and the right to know....my list of questions are things I'd like to know FAR more than how many sexual partners he had. IMO, there is far more info I'd like to know besides who he had sex with. We all have things we like or don't like. I can ask a question but I'm not guaranteed an answer.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 264
Dumb questions should be worded better
Posted: 6/17/2016 8:37:48 AM
ah good. Not a slut then. Old hag but not a slut. Cold comfort in that :)
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 265
Go ahead & ask dumb ass
Posted: 6/17/2016 8:58:15 AM
IME, the marriage/relationship questions were usually asked by the folks with only 1 divorce under their belt.

See, those folks are from the perfect part of the gene pool.

Their pedigree is more pure then mine.

It's also common for these purebreds to mention how their parents are still married after 30+ years.

Whoopie fizz...

My response is to lie through my fvckin teeth and tell 'em what they want to hear.

The trick is make sure you have the math down pat. Ya know, the length of the marriage and time since the divorce. Especially when you factor in the kids.


Cherokee people
Cherokee tribe

So proud to live
So proud to die
 memtoo
Joined: 6/2/2016
Msg: 266
Go ahead & ask dumb ass
Posted: 6/17/2016 9:50:43 AM
This "slut" argument is still going on? I said before and I will again. . . people who are worried about how many partners their partners had before them are "fu^ked up". But you know what, if you don't think you can handle the answer, don't ask the question.

The only real question should be . . . do we love each other. That is what healthy people want out of a relationship. If you are a fu^ked up person though, I guess you can worry about all types of things that are not worth worrying about. Because after all, past the age of thirty or especially 45, we all know how easy it is to meet people we genuinely get along with and bond with. So why not throw up as many roadblocks as possible to having a relationship?
 memtoo
Joined: 6/2/2016
Msg: 267
Go ahead & ask dumb ass
Posted: 6/17/2016 11:51:46 AM
^^^^^ its just another wrench thrown in to gum up the works, kind of like all of the deal-breakers and red flags so many here aspire to. To me its all really very simple (or it was when I used to date) . . I would go out with a woman. And were we compatible? It always came down to whether chemistry, intelligence, personality inter-meshed so as to provide a bonding of the souls, at least eventually. I suppose a person can have all kinds of deal breakers, including a partner's sexual experiences . . . but yes, in "my opinion" that is just stupid.

And how do I know I am right about this? Well I have been on these boards . . . off and on . . . for quite a while now and many of the same players are always here . . . always looking . . . . never getting anywhere. Why do you think that is?
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 268
morals are retro
Posted: 6/17/2016 6:45:47 PM

"Such nice weather we're having isn't it, and did you ever lose your temper and slap your girlfriend? And did she really deserve it or do you think you made a mistake?




This seems like a really intense line of questioning for a cup of coffee.


Unless it's taking place down at the 3rd precinct.

"And where were you on the night of June 13th, 2008?"
 softwinds45
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 269
morals are retro
Posted: 6/17/2016 7:10:13 PM
^^^ I dated a nice man who divorced his wife because she gambled. They divorced after counselling, paying her gambling debts, lying, stealing, taking out loans that he had to pay back. Anyway, he asked questions about addictions...booze, drugs, lying, gambling, etc. but not about sex.

Another I dated said his wife cheated. He found out when his sons did a "Dad, sit down. Mom brings men home when you're away working". He had trust issues, I don't blame him. He questioned my fidelity but not how partners I had. We remain friends to this day but he can't trust yet and I won't "pay" for his ex's behaviour.

A close relative lived wih a guy who beat her. After they broke up his ex- wife said to her, "did he beat you too?" It took my sister a good 5 to 8 years to heal.

I know 3 women raped by their brothers and they kept it quiet, they didn't even tell their brother's wives what they had done to them.

So yes, there are far more important questions than how many partners have you had. You can all comment on "interrogations" and "interviews" but we all know there are ways of asking questions and listening to answers, even the "how many sex partners" dudes don't ask directly, they have stated such. So, you find out what you want to know and I'll find out what I want to know, as we all should. And none of have to answer any question we think is irrelevant, too personal, idiotic or just (to us) dumb and rude. We are all free to walk away as well.
 drinkthesunwithmyface
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 270
view profile
History
morals are retro
Posted: 6/17/2016 7:13:15 PM

Weeeeellllll, why didn't you say this back at the beginning, back at the first week of May, back on page one ?

1 - I did. (Whenever this type of topic comes up. Obviously not immediately in this thread, because this thread was originally about something a bit different.)

2 - I shouldn't have to...

3 - ...because it's a bit of common sense. It's quite 'der'.

Goodness gracious, WTH do you think some of us here, have said over and over. Right from the git go!

Precisely. Page after page of unnecessary nonsense. Like I've said over and over. But apparently you've missed it. From the git-go.

The only real question should be . . . do we love each other.

Well, der. But it might take a few other questions to answer this one. And that's what this can be about. Um...der?
 flman2015
Joined: 10/3/2015
Msg: 271
morals are retro
Posted: 6/17/2016 9:05:23 PM




my list of questions are things I'd like to know FAR more than how many sexual partners he had.
...
So yes, there are far more important questions than how many partners have you had.


It should be quite obvious that a man can have his own list of questions that HE (not you) deems important. You don't decide what is important to a man, the man does, just as the man cannot decide what questions are important to you, you decide that. Amazing how simple things are when they are based on honesty instead of rationalizations.




people who are worried about how many partners their partners had before them are "fu^ked up".


It is much more likely that a man who ends up with a slut is "fu^ked up" or will eventually be.

That said, by all means, scrape the bottom of the female barrel if that is what makes you happy.
 softwinds45
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 272
morals are retro
Posted: 6/17/2016 9:19:17 PM

..... So, you find out what you want to know and I'll find out what I want to know, as we all should. And none of have to answer any question we think is irrelevant, too personal, idiotic or just (to us) dumb and rude. We are all free to walk away as well.


^^^. Did you somehow miss where I wrote the above? Especially the part about "...you find out what you want to know and I'll find out what I want to know ..." Just thought I'd point it out twice. It's amazing how some people miss stuff so I'll repeat it - YOU find out what want, ask away, the rest of us will fnd out what WE think is important. WE can ask all we want, it doesn't mean we will get an answer. WE are all free to walk away.

No one is rationalizing anything. No one is being dishonest by not answering a question.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 273
morals are retro
Posted: 6/18/2016 6:20:00 AM

Or alternatively discuss what matters to you beforehand so you can both make an informed decision to stay or go. That way there are no surprises down the road when it's too late...


LOL I just love the assumptions here.

My history WAS discussed openly prior to the wedding. AFTER 3 years of marriage husband asked for details.
I told him, with the idea he was my husband, he loved me and had the right to know.
He became uncomfortable with my retelling.

Yes, it would seem he then, thought of me as "Damaged goods". Funny how that works. No I am not laughing.
I'm done here.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 274
morals are retro
Posted: 6/18/2016 6:38:30 AM
I would feel like a sucker after hearing that other men enjoyed my wife's commitment to them without a ring.

Some things are better left unsaid.

Don't ask. Don't tell.
 softwinds45
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 275
It's still slut shaming
Posted: 6/18/2016 8:25:51 AM
^^^ I don't think too many of us have reached this age and are virgins. I agree, don't ask/don't tell. Or why ask/why tell.

I think even the "ask" crowd have a full sexual history and they shouldn't be ashamed of it. I'm sure that a couple of them, the few that have had relationships lasting 5 or 6 years, weren't celibate during the years before and after their short relationship. I'd question why only 5 or 6 years over "how many".

Would "I had sex with 50 and I'm so ashamed" work? Comments like "scraping the bottom of the female barrel" make me SMH. You should put on your profile exactly what you're looking for in numbers or morality. I've seen "must be a god fearing woman" on profiles; something similar to this would thin the herd.
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