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 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 26
Soccer/Hockey Moms and their Free TimePage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
NJgirl116- Is it? Understood, I mean.
I've mentioned in many threads my background, raised by my grandparents, no dad or mom until my dad hired a private investigator and found me when I was 39.
If anybody was ever going to go overboard as a parent, I had the potential to do just that.
What changed things was my marriage.
My ex was overly attached to his mother and it caused more arguments than anything and wound up causing me to walk. (there was other problems, some that I caused, but that was the straw)
Therefore, I am the person that actually can see BOTH sides.
It's hard to find that balance, I know that.
I also know that I am .....this......close to an empty nest. My oldest son has been married, divorced and made me a grand mother of two beautiful little girls. He is now in another relationship and fighting to get his girls.
He is working double shifts most days, so I get phone calls and visits with him when he has time.
Same thing with my daughter, she moved out the end of this past December and is now making a life with her fiance. As I said, the 16 year old (who will be 17 in June and a senior next year) is close to going out to live his life.
I worry about moms and dad's that cling for dear life.
I would die before I become my former mother in law and guilt trip/emotionally black mail my adult children into an unhealthy attachment. I've lived the outcome of that.
Those types of relationships (unhealthy attachment) don't start over night, they form over time.
I love my children with all my heart, but I have to let them go and have faith that they WILL come back to see me BECAUSE I let them live their lives, and they do.
I can't speak for Danimal, so we will have to see how he responds if he sees this, but I GET what he worry's about.
He's envisioning what I LIVED, a grown up that "fails to launch" for lack of a better term.
An ongoing contest between someone he wants a future with and their children.
It doesn't have to be a contest, but a contest it WILL become if parents can't understand the difference between loving their children and over attachment.
It's hell to be the 3rd wheel in your own relationship.
It IS possible to love the person you are with and love your children, it's is possible to make it work, but that only happens when everyone knows the meaning of healthy boundaries.
My ex is not very involved when it comes to our youngest son. He has his weekends with him and that's it.
I know what it's like to have the other parent step away and leave the other parent to do the actual raising of the child.
But I ALSO know that the day will come when ALL of my children are no longer children and I would be doing myself, and them, an injustice if I don't LET THEM GO.
I will miss them terribly, but as I said, since we DO relate to one another in a healthy way, I have found a way to live my life AND love my children.
Lot's of people do it.
Danimal might not be a parent, but I AM and since I know the difference, just like him, I refuse to get back into a relationship with someone who doesn't know the difference.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 27
Soccer/Hockey Moms and their Free Time
Posted: 5/17/2016 7:00:48 AM

It's hell to be the 3rd wheel in your own relationship.
It IS possible to love the person you are with and love your children, it's is possible to make it work, but that only happens when everyone knows the meaning of healthy boundaries.


This reminds me of profiles that say something along the line "My kid(s) will always come first." So a relationship with someone who is a potential mate will be at the bottom of the importance list. It might explain why they're single, and probably will be for a long time.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 28
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Soccer/Hockey Moms and their Free Time
Posted: 5/17/2016 8:18:34 AM
I think part of why some people have trouble adapting to the empty nest is because they kept themselves stuck in a 'parent' pattern for far too long. We, as humans, are miserable creatures of habit - and adjusting to new patterns gets even more difficult the older we get.

I've given advice in here multiple times to young parents to make sure they keep some 'adult' time allocated into their weekly schedule. Doesn't matter if it's for dating, ladies night out, guys going to the Game, or even just reading a book or filing taxes - forcing that pattern of 'unplugging' from the kids for a set period of time gives you that space in your life to try new things, be open to change. It is absolutely priceless when it comes to spending time with a new significant other.

It doesn't even have to require a physical separation - but you do have to mentally disconnect from that 'response only' mode a lot of parents fall into. It takes practice. It won't automatically happen the minute your youngest checks into the freshman dorm room, so you're better off rehearsing it now.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 29
Soccer/Hockey Moms and their Free Time
Posted: 5/17/2016 8:47:39 AM
A non parent advising parents on allocating me time?

Hmmm......
 Dragracer428
Joined: 1/1/2012
Msg: 30
Soccer/Hockey Moms and their Free Time
Posted: 5/17/2016 8:56:22 AM


This reminds me of profiles that say something along the line "My kid(s) will always come first." So a relationship with someone who is a potential mate will be at the bottom of the importance list. It might explain why they're single, and probably will be for a long time.


Cannot understand who so many people take umbrage at that line in a profile. To me it is stating the obvious, if any woman put plans with me ahead of problems with her children she would be gone in a heartbeat.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 31
Soccer/Hockey Moms and their Free Time
Posted: 5/17/2016 9:05:59 AM
"At what point does a soccer mom become so enabling for their children that they sabotage their love life?"



IMO it's none of my business how a mom chooses to spend time with her kid/s.

You can't change people's behavior, you can only choose how you react to it.


I tried it and realized it didn't work for me.


Simple.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 32
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Soccer/Hockey Moms and their Free Time
Posted: 5/17/2016 11:11:20 AM

A non parent advising parents on allocating me time?
Hmmm......

Yup. Some are just staggering at the arrogance of the suggestion, but there it is. Merely being a parent doesn't mean anyone has earned a master's degree in time management. Sometimes it needs to be a deliberate act, and people forget to do it - a lot. Myself included.
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 33
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Dateless Wonders and their Delusions
Posted: 5/17/2016 3:10:55 PM

I've given advice in here multiple times to young parents to make sure they keep some 'adult' time allocated into their weekly schedule.

Haha. You mean your rants about not getting your due attention from women? No one is confusing those with valuable advice.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 34
Dateless Wonders and their Delusions
Posted: 5/17/2016 5:21:20 PM
I would think a single Mother needs to know the date/man is going to be worth it before she shifts her schedule. If they aren't that into it, then of course they won't make time for you SD.. heck kids get enough blame. I don't know - date childless women
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 35
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Dateless Wonders and their Delusions
Posted: 5/18/2016 7:33:29 AM

I've given advice in here multiple times to young parents to make sure they keep some 'adult' time allocated into their weekly schedule. Doesn't matter if it's for dating, ladies night out, guys going to the Game, or even just reading a book or filing taxes - forcing that pattern of 'unplugging' from the kids for a set period of time gives you that space in your life to try new things, be open to change. It is absolutely priceless when it comes to spending time with a new significant other.


Honestly, stop pulling one sentence out of context to make me sound like a selfish, needy, greedy single guy. EVERY person needs to take a time out from their kids now and then - and it doesn't have to be specifically for dating - or even more specifically - dating me - as other posters just LOVE alluding to.

God forbid someone take advice from someone who isn't the exact same clone of their lifestyle. People don't need to be living your life to have empathy and understanding. If there is one thing a lot of parents can do to get better, it's getting rid of the chip on their shoulder that nobody understands THEIR situation. Learn to take a step back and breathe and realize the partners that WANT to understand your situation can be just as good (or better) of a match as those that already live it.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 36
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Soccer/Hockey Moms and their Free Time
Posted: 5/18/2016 9:46:27 AM
I have absolutely no interest in dating somebody that has to squeeze me into their schedule. I mind as well be by myself.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 37
Soccer/Hockey Moms and their Free Time
Posted: 5/18/2016 10:57:12 AM
When I was single, it was rare for me to date a mom with kids under about 14 years old. Most were too preoccupied with their kids to schedule a date without excessive prompting.

I normally would not contact parents of small children first. However, if they contacted me first, I would take a second look at them.

When they have small children, their priorities are on the children - as it should be. Reality is what it is.
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 38
Dateless Wonders and their Delusions
Posted: 5/18/2016 11:05:40 AM

If there is one thing a lot of parents can do to get better, it's getting rid of the chip on their shoulder that nobody understands THEIR situation.


True enough.

And another opportunity to present one of my favorite quotes, from author Willa Cather's 1913 novel "O Pioneers!":

" there are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before; like the larks in this country, that have been singing the same five notes for thousands of years.”
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