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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?      Home login  
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 softwinds45
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 51
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?Page 3 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
^^^ I agree with everything you said Platypus Man.

Remember when we had no cell phones, no social media and you just waited at me for the land line to ring only to find out - he/she is just not that into you. The waiting game of "does he like me.".

It was 2 1/2 months, not a commitment, not going steady, not engaged, not married. You are spending too much energy on this, why is it that some girls have a need to discect a relationship to death, it was 2 1/2 months. Men don't do this, they move on, slam the door and they don't look back. To me, the OP needs a hug or to be told how wonderful she is and what a cad he was. Well, maybe he was a cad. He wasn't the right the guy for you. He wasn't wasn't the right guy from the start, you whined about him 2 months ago. You bom up with him. As I said earlier, he didn't play by your rules when you dated and now he's not playing by your rules since you broke up. Silly.

The OP will beat this dead horse for a few weeks here, back and forth, instead of standing tall and forgetting about this guy.

People disappear. You weren't important enough to him to stay. Not your fault, just the facts. Don't make it more that what it is by calling it "ghosting" or claiming it's more prevelant now and all those poor people out there that are getting "ghosted". Dates, potential dates, one night stands and lovers have been walking away for years. Just because it happened to you and Susie down the block does not mean this is a new phenomena. I'm sure the majority of people on here ver 40 have had this happen once, twice or a few times.

Forget this guy, who cares "why", carry on with your life.
 illinigirl2168
Joined: 6/21/2012
Msg: 52
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/21/2016 7:19:58 PM
I agree with you Katy..it is an epidemic and I really have lost much faith in humanity. All ages doing it, from 34 to 6o..just sad. I could NEVER do that to anyone. Never. All I do is figure karma will get them, in a way much worse.

Ironically enough, I just got a message 6 months later (this week) apologizing for his ghosting..at least he felt bad. Apparently, most don't. I thanked him for the apology to show him what class and grace looks like, and that was it.
 platypus_man
Joined: 8/29/2007
Msg: 53
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/21/2016 8:28:26 PM

why is it that some girls have a need to dissect a relationship to death

Maybe so that they can fix the current relationship and/or to avoid the same problem 'next time'?
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 54
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/21/2016 8:31:39 PM


Without having the physical strength to force what they want, women had to become master manipulators in order to coerce men into doing what they want done.


You got that right. The worst ones will screw you and dangle a relationship carrot to see how far you'll go to get them to commit.

You can't even get a bf/gf label. Just sex.

Once they sense your desire to keep them? You're done...

So ladies, the next time a guy acts aloof and mysterious?

It's because he's met a manipulator before you.

The one that cares the least wins

 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 55
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/21/2016 8:55:31 PM
I don't even need the sex, frankly. Just a cuddle would be nice. And a few minutes of caring about somebody without having to worry about who is manipulating whom.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 56
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/21/2016 10:13:26 PM

I was the one that broke it off with him because he was taking me for granted. I now think that he was hurt & has done this ghosting thing to punish me

In a way, this makes more sense. You broke it off with him, and he knew he was taking you for granted -- so it was a combo of want-to-make-it-up + I-dont-like-being-dumped. Even though you two were Just Dating -- it's still going to motivate us to make it up some. So he does, but lets you know he isn't in some "win you back" mode, even though he's making a great evening out of things. Your feelings override what's been defined. We're not perfect, but I'm just saying that ya should put it in perspective.

So when he's not on-top-of-things and makes a BS excuse about it -- and realizes he can't really wiggle too much out of it, he gives up. Rude? Yes. But remember, you really weren't "back together".

My point is: He blew you off after you dumped him (but seemed to [knock on wood] be Possibly getting back together after dating some). In a Rude timing. I see actual Ghosting when nobody's dumped, there's no relationship re-connect -- but instead, out of Actual Nowhere, someone Disappears. Remember, you dumped him initially, so he wasn't going to have sympathy for blowing you off, even though you were giving him another chance, and he was a jerk for it. He handled it poorly and was a reflection of how he rolls.

Because many people won't accept that. So we simply avoid the argument by not providing option for one.
Let's face it: we usually know when someone isn't very interested in us, simply because we HAVE experienced being involved with someone who really cares about us, and can compare that to feeling well, ignored.

Yeah, I agree. I mean, when you've been dating for a couple months, while the person has been taking you for grant for at least close to half that time -- I mean, you can have them lay it out to you, where much of it will be stretched-truth/fibbed/lying -- but people aren't going to take it well anyway. The whole writing on the wall is the main thing. You're rarely going to find out 100% accurately as to why -- and most of the time, not the truth and something different. No sense in expecting or riding off it.

This is the most often used excuse that women give to each other, but always decline to add the most important words: He was just not ready for a real commitment TO YOU.

Exactly. Us guys will run into situations with gals we like where she's "not ready", etc etc. But in the end, we can see her holding hands and being ga-ga about a new BF who last a long while. Why? Because she resonated with him well (attraction obviously a big part of it, plus being on the same page in lifestyle). Happens all the time.

One might look at it as the coward's way out, another, might see it as not wasting any of their own time.

I don't know Exactly what unfolded, but giving the OP the benefit of the doubt, sure, he was a coward to back away when he didn't even need that much confrontation. I've been in situations like his and at least communicated to (in his case remind) her that I've been unfair, this isn't cool, etc. Even not explaining it or anything like that -- the gal can complain how it "doesn't make sense" (he's not that into you; aka attraction) -- but at least not blow her off.

How am I going to trust my dates going forward after this nonsense?

The main thing is this: Whether out of nowhere a guy isn't interested in you but sits ya down and tells you that straight up, which hits you in the liver -- or he plays the hint-hint-HINT game at backing away, is cool, but then does it again -- you're still going to have that 'trust issue'. What's the trust in? If he likes me in the beginning, he may lose interest. Yep. It's called dating. He wasn't your actual BF. It's one reason why some people Hate dating and want to Jump into a relationship, which brings its own bad news when doing so.

Good news is this: What ya went thru doesn't always unfold like that. You're not going out on dates with his twin. Or even remote relative. So take heart in that, and don't give your heart (thus Expectations) in too early to a guy -- that way, you won't hurt as much.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 57
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 6:36:57 AM

One might look at it as the coward's way out, another, might see it as not wasting any of their own time. After going through it more than once, having to argue with someone about why we aren't nuts about them, then having them get angry and accusing us of being commitmentphobes or lazy and unwilling to do what they think is necessary to make the relationship work, sometimes it's simpler to just let it die. Not everyone lives for the drama.


If someone was that concerned with drama or backlash, they could always end it by email, text, or even use Slydial to leave a voice message without direct communication.I know 2.5 months isn't a LTR. But it's enough time for 2 people to have several dates or become exclusive for a short amount of time.

Apparently it doesn't directly apply here because the OP ended things with him.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 58
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 7:04:20 AM

Even though you two were Just Dating -- it's still going to motivate us to make it up some. So he does, but lets you know he isn't in some "win you back" mode, even though he's making a great evening out of things.


This makes sense. Really norwegian guy, your post has given me a lot of clarity & has actually made me feel a lot better about the situation.

The last words he spoke to me were 'Why would you think I am dating other people?'. IE - I know people are saying 'you broke up with him!' but it seemed we were both under the understanding that we were once again dating (hence it is not ok to duck out without a word).

Mistakes were made by both of us & truthfully, I did like him. I valued him and I'm sorry to lose him. Even though - I know it wasn't working out. I miss the parts that worked well between us. OLD is tough - I think I'm going to take a break from dating.

illinigirl - I can't believe he resurfaced with an apology 6 months later! It must have been on his conscience huh? For the record - there would have been no 'drama' or a 'fight' with this guy. I would have accepted his 'sorry but I can't do this after all' without needing a specific reason & wished him well. As norwegian guy says, blowing a person off is not the answer.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 59
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 7:12:05 AM
No. Usually when they reappear means they hit a dry patch, rack their brains, remember you and go Hey I bet they going to be delighted to hear a blast from the past.
I think a lot of ppl fade to avoid the " but why" and tears, etc
 illinigirl2168
Joined: 6/21/2012
Msg: 60
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 7:35:51 AM
yeah, I wouldn't have caused a fight or drama, either...and would just expect and respect ANY excuse, as lame /fake as they may be, but apparenty that is even too much for people to do today.

I know I'll catch hell for this, but I really wish texting and all this technology was never invented. I think life was much better before. Real experiences, with real people. Making actual memories, not just staring at a glowing rectangle like a zombie. That is basically gone. You know it's bad and an addiction for many, when 49 year old men would rather scroll though facebook for the zillionth time, than have physical relations.

Told the last guy that his "highlight reel" of life - as it flashes by his eyes in the nursing home - will be of a lit screen, not actual experiences..have fun with that;)

Flame away!
 hearton64
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 61
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 8:00:23 AM
"I think a lot of ppl fade to avoid the " but why" and tears, etc."

I agree.

Does anyone really handle honesty all that well?

And who has the guts to be honest?

I think it feels worse to be "ghosted" after sex.
For whatever reason that always left me feeling used.

Like that's all they wanted to begin with.
Said all the right things and got laid and bailed.

At least be upfront that sex is all you want and see
if the other person is game.

Don't just hit and run like a pvssy.

All I know is I'm DAMN GLAD I've been in a committed
monogamous loving relationship with a man I met here
back in 2009!!

I don't have the patience for the BS of dating anymore.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 62
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 10:39:20 AM

illinigirl2168
You know it's bad and an addiction for many, when 49 year old men would rather scroll though facebook for the zillionth time, than have physical relations.


I have the distinct impression that you did not mean what many will assume when they see the words “physical relations”. (smile)


Hearton64
I think it feels worse to be "ghosted" after sex.


Do you really think it’s worse than being “ghosted before sex”?

I think most men would disagree with you. And, in actuality, I think a lot of women would disagree. Maybe not publicly, but privately.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 63
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 10:48:34 AM
Who would ghost a quality woman after sex?

vvvvvvvvv

You damn well know women are just as capable as men as settling on someone for fun until a hotter or bigger, better deal shows up.

I'd rather be ghosted after 2 months then hear...I'd like to continue sleeping with you, but non-exclusively, which is another way of saying You're good for sex but not long term

What a crock of sh!t.


 hearton64
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 64
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 10:48:40 AM
I said what I meant. : )
If I allow a man I trust into my pants
Phuck him for vanishing without a trace
in the aftermath. No pun intended.

And of course some men would
be more disappointed in
being left before sex.
Especially if their goal
was to get laid. Haha!

Ladies am I wrong?
Which feels worse when you like a guy?
Being left without a word before or after sex?

It sucks either way when a person doesn't have
the spine to say anything before they vanish tho.

Before or after sex, common decency is a lost art.
 hearton64
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 65
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 11:00:50 AM
Clooney!

Why would you say that unless you're trying to
insult me personally? Or was that just a dos in general
to all women who get left for not being quality enough
for men?

Talk about blaming the wrong person.
I'm certainly a quality person and damn good in bed,
( have my own money, house and life and have
simply run into some sleaze balls.)
If I may toot my own horn. Toot toot!

Who would leave a quality woman after sex?

An a-hole would.
A guy only looking to just get laid would.
A player would.
A narcissist would.
A commitment phone would.
A man with a "separated" wife would.etc.

The man in this ops thread would and did.
It's not always the woman's fault than a man
is a player.

But I know your agenda is to defend men so what
else are you going to say?

In my case the guy from here that did it to me contacted me
a year later saying he was SORRY for being an AZZHOLE
and wondering if I was still available.

I said....go Phuck yourself.

I even asked him if he could say I was bad in bed.

Nope.

But he did like chicks who let their dogs Phuck them so
I guess I might have been a bore by comparison.


Guess I wasn't "quality" enough!

Even if it's because a woman sucks in bed
have the balls to inform her before you run off
to your next conquest.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 66
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 11:50:11 AM

If someone was that concerned with drama or backlash, they could always end it by email, text, or even use Slydial to leave a voice message without direct communication.I know 2.5 months isn't a LTR. But it's enough time for 2 people to have several dates or become exclusive for a short amount of time.

True -- and that would have been more kosher. He was more a careless Jerk than True ghosting. But remember, she did dump him, but he won her back but didn't solidify things or anything -- in one of those quasi-seeing-each-other gear changes that was still up in the air. So it wasn't like it was 2.5 months and things seemed a bit push-pull then "Hey, when can I give you your birthday present?" and he poof-disappears. There were key elements leading up to it.

This makes sense. Really norwegian guy, your post has given me a lot of clarity & has actually made me feel a lot better about the situation.

Thing is -- I've been "that guy" before. :) Not Exactly as you put it, but something very similar a couple times where I wasn't my best at all. And although I don't disappear Instantly, it's still close to it by dropping her a text that I'm busy, I'll hit ya up when I'm not -- and just moving on.

I know people are saying 'you broke up with him!' but it seemed we were both under the understanding that we were once again dating (hence it is not ok to duck out without a word).

Yeah, I think it wasn't that you were DATING again -- more like "let's not call this off quite yet; sorry I've been 'blah' too long". I think the evening was he didn't want to get dumped + he did have sympathy for ya and some guilt. But in the end, yeah, it wasn't right for him -- and some people (girls included, lemme tell ya) don't handle it the right way when things aren't right for them with someone. Especially when they weren't handling things so right While they were seeing someone.

OLD is tough - I think I'm going to take a break from dating.

Well, meeting him from online really had nothing to do with it. Once you start seeing each other at least somewhat, the concept of where ya met doesn't have any association with it ("Never meet guys at the bookstore! After 6 weeks of going out, I thought things were good, but..."). OLD's difficulties is the intro situation meeting off there in who-ya meet. Once ya click-n-roll after some dates and get past that, then it's the neutral zone in regards to where ya met.

So I stopped seeing that guy (who I did like) because I had to make a choice and chose him. The fact he requested that I stop seeing others & may have been seeing others himself angers me beyond belief.

Yeah. If after he asked you to stop seeing others, then after just a bit of time he was complacent/not-so-caring -- it shows he'll show interest when in competitive mode or possibly being kicked to the curb -- but otherwise too "blah". In reference to OLD, it's not Meeting a guy via OLD. You could have met him at the bar or coffee shop. It's that OLD is just an app on Any guy's phone! :)

When we ghost on someone, you obliterate any fun memories/times you had together.

It's not the only thing, though. But sure, that's one avenue.

But before leaving, he said "If I were to just...disappear...would you come looking for me/come to my house?"

Sally: "If things were cool with us and there wasn't an obvious breakup in the making, sure. Even a friend would. Why do you say that? Are you going to ghost me?"
Bob: "Oh no! No... ha ha ha ha ha (fake laugh)... I was just, wondering, like, if I got hit by a car. There's no need to go to my place. Because if I'm dead, I'm dead, ya know? It's not like I'm going to be stuffed and sitting in my place forever, ya know? But seriously, if that happens, don't look. Especially not at night when there's, like, a pink car outside."
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 67
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 1:40:33 PM

Ladies am I wrong?
Which feels worse when you like a guy?
Being left without a word before or after sex?


Hmm, neither is great.

Before sex - one guy ducked out before sex, because I wouldn't put out quick enough. I felt like my time was wasted & it did upset me initially to realise he was after one thing only. YEARS later we ended up on the same trip wtih extended friend group and he told me he regretted being too shy with me and blowing his chances! Couldn't make it up.

After sex - my ex of 1 year f'ed me and then split up with me 1 hour later. A week later he said he regretted the break up (I miss you...I miss your touch...!!). This recent guy f'ed me & then disappeared a week or so later. Actually I have to say that this sucked most, because I felt like they were using me for the last time before finally kicking me to the curb. It feels deceitful but well... a lot of people are inherently selfish I guess.

Neither is good. But for me, after sex is worse.
 Katy_124
Joined: 11/14/2014
Msg: 68
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 1:46:35 PM

I think the evening was he didn't want to get dumped + he did have sympathy for ya and some guilt. But in the end, yeah, it wasn't right for him


Also, having being dumped a couple of years ago, I know how quickly rejection can extinguish the passion you had for the other person. Well not completely it seems :) But generally his interest in me waned after that, from the standpoint of wanting to continue on with things...

We all take rejection personally. How could you not? Honestly though norwegianguy - the last time a guy just disappeared on me I was about 16. He is 24, so I find the complete lack of communication ridiculous. He knew his silence was hurtful to me, but he didn't care. It would have taken one text - the fact I wasn't worth that to him, after the intimacy we did share - is what bothers me most. I will get over it...but it does linger.
 illinigirl2168
Joined: 6/21/2012
Msg: 69
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 2:49:59 PM
no henry, that is EXACTLY what I meant. In my experience the whole "guys just want sex all the time" adage is simply not true.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 70
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 2:54:51 PM
Sending a case of wine to...Normal, Illinois....
 illinigirl2168
Joined: 6/21/2012
Msg: 71
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 3:16:29 PM
Ha! Clooney, just fyi, I prefer whites...or a bottle of Ketel One;)

but I digress..it feels the same to me whether sex has occurred or not...well, actually maybe worse without it having occurred.. I mean, I didn't show up in a schoolgirl get-up for nothin';)..come on man! At least if it occurs, I got something out of it (well, even THAT depends.. some guys really need lessons..ironically, they're usually the ones who brag about their skills)

ya know it's not your night when a hard up 2 doesn't think you're good enough LOL
 hearton64
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 72
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 4:31:08 PM
"Neither is good. But for me, after sex is worse."

I hear ya.

Guess we just aren't "quality enough" women
for them to stick around after sex or get case of wine sent to us.

Boo hoo.

Their loss Katy.

Interestingly the next guy thought I was worthy and quality
and has stuck by me thru thick and thin for the past 7 years.

Your guy is out there don't lose hope
Or let the jerks jade you or close your heart.

And no one said all all guys want is sex.

Jesus people spin shyt around here.

 Vanlady47
Joined: 6/8/2016
Msg: 73
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 4:41:04 PM
Well, I know I walked away twice after sex. It's not that they weren't "quality" (whatever the hell that means) it just means I wasn't that into them and walked away. I think both genders do it for whatever reasons - couldn't be bothered to call and say bye, didn't want the drama, couldn't think of a valid reason either then "not for me". I've also walked away before sex. I wasn't into them and walked away. I've had two disappear on me and one way back when I was 20 (his fiancé came back from her 2 month summer trip to Europe), I didn't know about the fiancé. It didn't scar me for life. Before or after sex makes no difference, they walk or I walk, it wasn't meant to be. Men do it, women do it.
 hearton64
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 74
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Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 4:54:17 PM
Well I've never lead someone on and walked away
with out a word. Before or after sex.
Not everyone chooses to be callous.
There's something to be said about being decent towards
others in life.And some of us value ourselves more than
others and have feelings.

Being ghosted didn't scar me for life either
just made me see someone's true colors sooner
than later and I was grateful for that.
 Vanlady47
Joined: 6/8/2016
Msg: 75
Why do people ghost/disappear on the people they are dating?
Posted: 6/22/2016 5:16:21 PM
I don't think it has anything to do with "..some of us value ourselves more than others and have feelings." I think all of us have value or think of ourselves as having value. I don't think that walks away after a few dates is callous, maybe after a few months but not after a few dates.

I've never lead anyone on and walked away , I've never lead anyone on.
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