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 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 26
Don't Look, He Will Come to YouPage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
The trick is, what are you going to do about if it does happen? Are you going to play 'hard to get' and make him work for it, which might end up chasing him away? If someone has more options, they might not play that game. Or are you relying on "love at first sight", and it being mutual?
 npw7557
Joined: 7/20/2015
Msg: 27
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Don't Look, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/25/2016 2:31:39 PM
I quite often see the phrase "Doesn't anyone want to meet up anymore?" on female profiles.
So some women aren't getting the attention they want.

Men complain they never get any replies so women are maybe too fussy.
Before any women get upset about that I have to admit to being very fussy myself.
I have ignored quite a few first messages coz I didn't fancy them.

And when I look through this site I reckon I fancy about 1 in a 100 women.
So if the opposite is true and 1 in 100 fancy me then I have a one in 10,000 of finding someone where we both fancy each other. That's a lot of messages to send !

You really need to put yourself out there and if you see someone you fancy send a message.
The worst they can do is say no thanks and then there are plenty more fish in the sea.
 green0eye0girl
Joined: 7/21/2016
Msg: 28
Don't Look, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/25/2016 4:11:27 PM
I've been on and off this and other sites since October 2015. I get po'd because of all the games men play, so I delete my account and wind up bored so I sign back up again. I have been out to events/bars over that same period of time and not one man has looked my way. Obviously if I'm out with other girls I believe that gives off the clue I'm single. I see men my age approach/make small talk with woman in they're early 20's....really???

I've gone to the grocery store and a guy will chat me up, 10 seconds later here comes his wife. The deli guy was hitting on me like crazy, I gave his co-worker my number, never received a call/text, and even after that he continued to flirt with me when he'd see me, and no he didn't flirt with other women so it wasn't his personality. The coworker I gave the number to couldn't believe the guy never called, he said he was totally excited to get my number. I go to the gym and men say nothing to me, I'll see men checking me out and minutes later you see them with their wife/gf.

I don't think he's coming to me, I think I may have to find a good one and kidnap him.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 29
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Don't Look, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/25/2016 9:05:00 PM

Obviously if I'm out with other girls I believe that gives off the clue I'm single.


Nope. It gives off a the cue that I'm out with my girlfriends. I won't come up to any group of women. I have a hard enough time screwing up the courage to approach one that's solo. Got an audience? Enjoy them, I'll stay away because of it.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 30
Look Away, He Will Come On You. He saw it in a movie once
Posted: 7/26/2016 6:08:18 AM
In case its not clear, ladies, his ^^ view is the majority view. No one likes an audience to their failure. And those of us guys who weren't smoking hot growing up, know darn well that a "giggle of girls" can be rather judgemental.
 AgentNinety9
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 31
Don't Look, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/26/2016 10:25:58 AM

I have heard this several times before, where people have told me "Don't look for him, let him come to you".

It's what people eventually say to someone who keeps asking how and when they're gonna find a boyfriend. So everyone can finally get some rest.


if you don't bother looking, the guy will eventually pop-up?

No guarantees, which is exactly the same as if you do bother looking. You might as well chillax and stop looking for a magic formula.
 Kay9876
Joined: 7/4/2012
Msg: 32
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Look Away, He Will Come On You. He saw it in a movie once
Posted: 7/26/2016 1:03:10 PM

OP: "Don't look for him, let him come to you.” … What do you think of this form of method for dating?

In most cases, it’s a mutual investment of “coming.” The man does his part, and the woman does hers.

OP: To attract men for dating, you’re likely to have more luck if you play up your femininity (womanhood) and downplay anything that appears to be childlike or teen oriented. It might help to get makeup and clothing tips from an attractive woman close to your age who has dated a number of men and had one or more long-lasting relationships. She can teach you what works in your community, and then you can adapt it to your personal style.

Msg. 30: I won't come up to any group of women. I have a hard enough time screwing up the courage to approach one that's solo. Got an audience? Enjoy them, I'll stay away because of it.

Msg. 31: In case its not clear, ladies, his ^^ view is the majority view. No one likes an audience to their failure.

^^^ And yet, when women go out alone, men often think we’re busy shopping for groceries, reading a book with our meal/drink, or otherwise engaged with the purpose of the venue. Their reasoning is understandable given the many posts written by women who are annoyed (or worse) when men approach them in a generic, non-pickup venue.

I hope men keep in mind that women have different perspectives. Some of us want men to approach us and say, “Hello. ...” Even if we don’t want to date a particular man, we can usually find something good in a positive, social interaction. (For the record, I routinely speak to people in public. It’s fun.)

I sometimes wonder if men are looking for the proverbial dumb blonde. She’d be alone in a public place with a puzzled expression on her face and virtually no indication of engagement with her environment. She’d be just sitting there waiting for a less-than-perfect man’s sexy smile to capture her interest and save her from the sheer boredom of her day.

(Just kidding.)

(Maybe)

:)
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 33
look both ways before crossing people
Posted: 7/26/2016 2:15:06 PM
"I hope men keep in mind that women have different perspectives. Some of us want men to approach us and say, “Hello. ...” Even if we don’t want to date a particular man, we can usually find something good in a positive, social interaction. (For the record, I routinely speak to people in public. It’s fun.)"

>>>I suspect, those who want to be approached, have their head up out of their cellphone and are approachable or just outright engaging. everyone else is...pursuing their own goal.

"I sometimes wonder if men are looking for the proverbial dumb blonde. She’d be alone in a public place with a puzzled expression on her face"


>>>almost sounds like a damsel in distress :)
 morta1ez
Joined: 9/3/2009
Msg: 34
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Don't Look, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/26/2016 2:46:23 PM

I have been on this site and a few others since the beginning of the year. Fortunately, I have met many great people, but the majority of the women seem to want to move into serious relationship mode way too fast - like there is no tomorrow and "it's now or never".

Because nobody wants their time wasted, some people want to be in a relationship but treat them like FWB, or use others as a place holder until they find what they really want, once you have gone through that you have little patients for slow movers.
Don't Look, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/26/2016 4:28:22 PM
Myself, I don't think that a woman being out with her girlfriends should be a deterrent...if you're worried about "failure" or "being shot down", you're not in the right mindset in the first place. If she's by herself, a man has an excuse not to approach. If she's out with others, male or female, a man has an excuse not to approach. Just shouldn't be relevant to me. It's something else...the problem is somewhere else...not whether or not she's by herself or with others.
 purplerider1200
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 36
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Look Away, He Will Come On You. He saw it in a movie once
Posted: 7/26/2016 8:53:15 PM
Since the only perspective I have is my own, and guessing at it for the last 45 years hasn't been an astounding success. it's only logical to assume going this way (OLD) would be a bit more promising. (It's not)

Most women assume that men accept rejection with a grain of salt and go on. Yeah, it's part of life. Getting beat down constantly does take a toll on a person. Now, I don't totally agree that women take little bits and pieces of what a guy looks like, and ignores the rest of the package. Just too many times I've overheard women refer to good looking, confident guys, as dogs looking to use women for whatever they can get. But I do believe that women will tighten the screws some, and make the better looking guys reach higher and work harder.

When a man has no idea where he stands in the big picture of dating, then it becomes a vicious cycle of frustration. Then some smartass says back away and take a break, and try again later. If nothing happened before he took his break, what's going to change when he returns? More nothing?

I believe a person learns from their mistakes. When no one points those out, then we learn nothing. We get to move blissfully along in our own ignorance. A total flop, over and over, means we just better not bother with it at all. Because no one wants to give input to those mistakes.
 IgottaName
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 37
Don't Look, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/27/2016 12:19:58 AM
drinkthesunwithmyface


I always wonder where the heck this thought comes from. Sure, some people kind of "force" things just to have something without enough thought into who the person is...but why do some people assume it's so often an automatic thing, that just to look or just to want means that you're not paying attention to who the other person is?[/qoute]
To me, setting the goal of having a relationship and then searching for some one to help you attain that goal, first of all is like putting the horse before the cart. Secondly it reduces the role of the other person to just another piece in plan.


This is looking. Whatever "just letting it happen" is supposed to mean.

No, it is not "looking". It's just living your life. I'm not talking about taking up a hobby to meet people, it's about taking up a hobby because it's something you enjoy. And, yes, it increases your chances of meeting some one with similar interests as you. That's what it means to "just let it happen"; when you and one of the new friends you've made decide together whether or not to have a deeper relationship.

[quote/]In other words, you need to actively look? To DO something?

Again, no. It is possible to have an active social life that is not predicated on the idea that the ultimate goal of that life is to find a mate.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 38
don't blink, he'll come so fast
Posted: 7/27/2016 7:27:25 AM
"...if you're worried about "failure" or "being shot down", you're not in the right mindset in the first place"

>>>then again, if the reason i'm not jumping off a building and flapping my arms is due to a fear of failure, or believing the last time I failed, so this time i'll fail again, most mental institutions would say i'm thinking rationally :) I get the whole Henry Ford notion, if I think I can do something, if I think I can't. But no matter how many happy thoughts Sean Stephenson has, he isn't getting out of his wheelchair to beat Micheal Jordan on the court.

if I talk to a man, there's a multitude of reasons why. but dating him, will never be one. If I approach a woman, there's only two reasons why. either I want to eventually do what i'm biologically programmed to do with her...or I have a multitude of other reasons why that don't have to do with dating b/c i'm not interested in procreating with her. if I neuter myself and approach as a friend, most dating coaches will put my odds pretty low, unless i'm hot enough to her that she'll still imagine being with me. therefore and thusly, i'm going in with a purpose, and getting shot down doesn't hurt so much when I succeed the next time.

But then, i'm chasing after someone higher up the scale than I am. they're worth the effort. Do I chase after something i'm blasé about? does anyone? who works hard for the meadiocre? (sic) I do get the concern alpha males have about those who have excuses. however, sometimes those people are right, they aren't ready for primetime, even when the excuses are gone. Getting rid of excuses doesn't turn one into Brad Pitt.

not every woman wants Brad Pitt (or whatever his equivalent is at the moment), but you'd be surprised at how many hotties do. And thus, the odds tip in favor. sell what most people want, and you have a wider customer base. sometimes, you get a better customer base--the flea marketer gets the nickel-and-dime, pinch a penny crowd.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 39
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don't blink, he'll come so fast
Posted: 7/27/2016 4:22:47 PM
I have men pop up all the time. The grocery store, library, social events, parties and when I least expect it like walking to the store and or at church.
Having said that the best luck I have is when I pick the man. Not when he picks me.
 Tarnished_Knight
Joined: 3/5/2009
Msg: 40
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don't blink, he'll come so fast
Posted: 7/27/2016 6:04:56 PM
To the original poster:

Since you're Catholic I'll phrase my answer in terms of Christian faith. In Jeremiah 29:11 God makes a promise to the exiled nation of Israel that He has plans for them and He will fulfill their longings. people take that verse by itself, which is partially wrong. Read the half dozen verses leading up to the promise and the bit after. God first commands Israel to live as if they were living in the land they were promised and be a blessing to those around them; even though they are in exile. So, from that I would counsel live your life to the blessing of those around you and trust that God has your best interest(s) in store.

At the same time, scripture also commands us to pray, talk to God with conviction. Align your will with His and ask boldly. And when you pray for rain don't leave your umbrella behind. I think of this as active faith: Yes, God can part the red sea supernaturally but He also works in our daily lives through our actions. [No, I'm not a fan of prosperity gospel thinking.]

So, I would say that sitting on the sidelines waiting for a supernatural presentation of a partner could happen, but you're more likely to find/get what you're looking for if you actively put your best foot forward while living YOUR life as a blessing to yourself and those around you.

TK
Don't Look, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/28/2016 10:25:39 AM
Igottaname:

Again, no. It is possible to have an active social life that is not predicated on the idea that the ultimate goal of that life is to find a mate.

Completely true. But this statement is kind of non sequitur. Or something. A sidestep. Nothing to do with what we/I was talking about.
 imanorangetiger
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 42
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Don't Look, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/30/2016 5:31:22 AM
"Filling a Void..." fnar fnar... :D

The thing about a relationship is looking at the definition. There has to be some things that relate one person to another person. I agree with others that 'actively seeking' makes me wonder whether it's more about wanting to be with someone (anyone) rather than wanting to be with the person you're with. Although humans are social animals by nature, it's important to note that we can function as single individuals as well. We don't HAVE to grab onto the first person who tips us a wink.

My general advice is to go and live your life, meet people in all sorts of situations. Don't be desperate, don't make expectations.

Do ditch those glasses though, OP; they put me in mind of Roz from Monsters Inc.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 43
Don't Look, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/30/2016 7:42:51 AM


Having said that the best luck I have is when I pick the man. Not when he picks me.


Amen on that!

I'm starting to wait 24 hours before I respond now.

Don't want them thinking I'm easy...
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 44
Don't Look, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/30/2016 11:17:30 AM
A book called "The Rules of Online Dating" (geared towards women) suggests that we wait 24 hours before responding to an initial text on a dating site. Otherwise we appear too eager and too lonely. Now if only my inbox would fill up with some messages, I would have something to wait for.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 45
Don't Look, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/30/2016 11:55:11 AM
^^^
Exactly.

'RULES' girls are easy to spot.

Reading and not responding for 24 hours is a classic giveaway.

They respond but don't initiate texts.

Negotiating a time for the date is like pulling teeth. It has to be on their terms. God forbid they appear to be bored staying at home with the cats.

They'll flirt to land a 1st date but then the courtship reigns are handed over to you.

It's comical to watch the script play out after the 1st date. A 2nd rarely occurs...
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 46
Don't Look, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/30/2016 12:30:59 PM
Is there an online dating rule book for guys, that says how long to wait to respond to her "24 hours later" text? Is there a graph or schedule that shows how long to wait to respond to message number X?
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 47
Don't Look, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/30/2016 12:40:37 PM
- You should get less 2nd dates that first dates - the first one was a meet.






A book called "The Rules of Online Dating" (geared towards women) suggests that we wait 24 hours before responding to an initial text on a dating site. Otherwise we appear too eager and too lonely.


- but it's reasonable to reply in 24 hours. Waiting a week to reply is what's bad........ I actually saw one do that once. Actually the RULES book is okay...... there are only a couple of the "rules" which are bad....... such as, "if a man leaves a message on your voicemail, don't return the call" - that's not good.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 48
Don't Look, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/30/2016 12:46:45 PM
Well I suppose head games can be fun as long as you're winning. Fun is different from healthy, though.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 49
Don't Answer, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/30/2016 12:50:38 PM
Its how those who play games, find the men who will play games with them. People who don't play games tend to get turned off by the cat-and-mouse routine.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 50
Don't Answer, He Will Come to You
Posted: 7/30/2016 1:00:21 PM
Taking 24 hours to reply once is one thing, but when it becomes a pattern for the next few responses, I lose interest fast.

These are READ messages and their profiles are online.

Then again, I live in a large dating pond so I have more breathing room to treat this like a video game.

YMMV
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