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 InnerGorilla2
Joined: 8/1/2016
Msg: 33
Getting over breaking upPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

This is how I am starting to feel. I get the odd pang here and there but its passing faster than I thought it would. I am thinking of him less and less.


We're all in different stages of rebound from a previous lover. How is the guy who meets you going to feel? Will he go? Oh no, I am the rebound guy because she is not over the ex? Or be able to deal with it. What I have noticed in every relationship is that there's a person in the other person's past that we do not like, that we have issues with. My woman is not a jealous person, and if I mention my ex wife, she doesn't care. If I mention the last relationship, she doesn't care. But if I mention the bipolar woman that I was with for 4 years, she gets edgy. I am totally over that person, and she knows it, but still she doesn't like it.

So even if he got over his ex, and you two got together, there would be those feels that you have, and they more than likely never change and will keep eating at you.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 34
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/9/2016 4:55:06 PM

At the end of the day if he sorts out the problems that caused the break up I would be happy to try again
-see message 30

OP.....forget that........Never ever let a man disappoint you more than once.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't look back. This guy has too much drama and is too hung up on his ex.....and he can be locked up for years being that way.

Simply put: Once you walk out the door and say you are finished, then you are.

There is no going back for if you do, you will be subject to the on/off again crap that can last for many years. That type of situation is unstable, robs you of your self esteem and has loads of drama, and I think you deserve much better than that.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 36
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/12/2016 2:12:52 AM

I know people do this but I just can't. It makes me feel a bit sick to be honest and the sex in these cases is terrible... I can do better on my own!

Perhaps you didn't read what I wrote correctly. I said Find/Fvck + Guys/Gals. I didn't say have sex (unless that was something you wanted to do). I'll clarify: FTOG=Find Ten Other Guys. It can be coffee house meetings, anything PG-Rated or whatever you want. The point is to move on.

Do you think he's sitting around, "doing better on his own"? No. He's kissed more than one girl. Or even worse, a particular girl he's had his eye on. You can sit around waiting for him to knock at your door, when in reality he's making out with Sally on his couch -- or you can get up and get the ball moving, and not pine over him.

There is nothing of him left in my home.

Oh there most certainly is. It's closer to home. It's in your emotions, your heart still longing for him. That's what you need to move away from. It sucks -- we all go thru it. And your period of anguish should be there -- for only so long. It's not supposed to feel natural to move on & away. If it were, none of these unfortunate stories would exist, right? Don't follow your gut. Your gut wants to wallow in it. It does to all of us. I hope for the best for you!
 Ed Bear
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 37
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/12/2016 2:13:57 AM
FTOG? Seroiously, how many of us have actually FTOG in our lifetimes? I still have fingers left.
ED BEAR
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 38
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/12/2016 2:15:50 AM

FTOG? Seroiously, how many of us have actually FTOG in our lifetimes? I still have fingers left.

I've found more than ten girls in my lifetime for a date. How is that strange? :)
 InnerGorilla2
Joined: 8/1/2016
Msg: 39
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/12/2016 7:41:44 AM

The self help books are helping even though they have nothing to do with relationships some of it resonates and is useful.


When I had my big split, the one that really hurt me, I bought the audio version and the book version of The Power of Now. I read the book version first, then used the audio version for meditation sessions. It was the healthiest thing I've ever done.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 40
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/12/2016 8:03:39 AM
^^^^^^


Personally, I would recommend " A New Earth " instead of " The Power of Now " as the former is MUCH easier to digest for a first timer to the concepts Tolle presents .





NORWEGIAN wrote

" Perhaps you didn't read what I wrote correctly. I said Find/Fvck + Guys/Gals. I didn't say have sex (unless that was something you wanted to do). "



Oh man, don't you hate it when people misunderstand you ?

This reminds me of when I suggested to a friend that he kick/kill his boss ......now he's in jail.....smh
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 41
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/12/2016 12:37:23 PM

This reminds me of when I suggested to a friend that he kick/kill his boss ......now he's in jail.....smh

Lol, nice. Well, you did encourage him to kill if he felt up to it. And FTOG (find/fvck, guys/girls) -- is an either-or to your liking. It's not based on having sex, and it's a coined phrase. Obviously if one's wholesome or too young, it should just be "find". For your average bear, it's find + roll in the hay when the opportunity arises, but no, not expected to be all 10 at all.

So to clarify -- the coined phrase is to Find 10 other girls or guys. But yeah, getting intimate on Some level with someone will help wash things away from an ex, hence the other option that starts with the letter of the day.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 42
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/12/2016 4:55:41 PM
So be robotic. Cry. Talk to friends about it. Talk to God about it. Pray to get the focus totally on yourself. They call it rebound because you are supposed to rebound by yourself and it takes time. Rushing on to someone right away is just a promise for a train wreck it never works. This man wasn't even done with his ex. That must have made you feel like chit. Be happy I think you dodged a bullet.
 BlasphemousBombshell
Joined: 11/19/2013
Msg: 43
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/12/2016 5:38:15 PM
I dont know about how to get ready to date, but i do know that in the past if i let myself obsess about every negative quality my ex had it certainly made the pain of loss way easier.

Who can cry over someone much when you are constantly telling yourself they sucked in bed, had tiny equipment, a crappy work ethic, a wandering eye, champagne tastes on MY beer wallet, a narcissistic bloated ego, a bald spot while telling others their superficial faults, etc. ?

Both times i used that method i was done feeling sad in about 6 weeks tops, BUT i think it messed with my desire to date because focusing on the messed up qualities of humanity decimated my ability to trust...
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 44
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/12/2016 6:43:39 PM

Getting over breaking up



So how do you do it?


I move to an area with better reception.
 justdeb111a
Joined: 9/4/2016
Msg: 45
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/12/2016 8:42:19 PM
jellybeans,

Forty years ago when such things happened, I was part of a group of very good girlfriends. We had this saying that the worst was the first 72 hours after either being dumped outright or finding out that you were not in the mutual relationship you thought you were. After 72 hours, it gradually got easier. Number one rule was when you are dumped, never call the guy--do not contact him in letters or through friends, nothing. Anytime one of us had this happen, we would take turns hanging out/going out with her--often the whole group--so that she did not contact the guy and didn't feel abandoned.

Going out in a group was safe, supportive and sheesh, there were so many more "fish" out there by the end of the a couple weeks he was forgotten history even if it had been a long term relationship (long term at that time was 6 months or so).

Funny thing too, I found that when contact is completely cut they eventually try to come back. (Twenty something men as drama queens? apparently so).

Now that I've gotten older and my group has scattered--one even passed away---I have found a different way of handling loss like this. Although it has been awhile since I last dated and was dumped (hence I'm here) I will still never call them or contact them in any form, if they try to contact me they'll hear a dial tone immediately. I'll also reflect back on the relationship because really, only death is sudden--everything else has subtle changes and warnings.

Stop running it through your mind that everything was perfect (if you didn't think so, you wouldn't have any difficulty moving on) and what went wrong--or worse, what did you do wrong. Nothing you can do about what is going around in someone else's head--you gotta keep your own straight. If you take one hour and go over how things really were, you'll realize you didn't lose anything.

Then, back to fishing :)
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 46
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/12/2016 8:58:30 PM
^^^^^that's a really good post.
 Scaretale
Joined: 1/9/2016
Msg: 48
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/13/2016 7:33:38 AM
If you're still calling him (even if it was his birthday)....you're nowhere near being over him.

STOP CONTACTING HIM!!!

You have a long way to go.
 InnerGorilla2
Joined: 8/1/2016
Msg: 49
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/13/2016 8:54:35 AM

Number one rule was when you are dumped, never call the guy--do not contact him in letters or through friends, nothing.


Every time you contact that ex, you are practically resetting the "get over" internal clock.
 Scaretale
Joined: 1/9/2016
Msg: 51
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/13/2016 9:00:46 AM

Every time you contact that ex, you are practically resetting the "get over" internal clock.


Great advice.

To go further...I would say that everytime you obsess/talk about him, you are resetting the "get over" internal clock.

So everytime you post on here, you are letting those feelings bubble up.

Maybe try to lay off even this thread :-)

Good luck Jellybeans!
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 52
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/13/2016 9:47:23 AM

I don't really feel much of anything right now. I don't feel all that excited about the prospect of meeting new people of dating but equally I don't feel all that down about it either. We shall see.

I guess its just time.

You shouldn't feel excited about meeting new people. That's the point. :) Like I say, don't follow your gut/heart. That led to the phone call. But yes, a little taste at least did make you feel better, but at the same time -- you feeling better now, it will well back up to one degree or another, which is why it's ill-advised when you're just watching the clock.

Sure, time will help -- over time. By no means instantly. Which is why you should be out there meeting others. Doing so is not any formal, robotic soldier-step moves by any means. You aren't supposed to feel the desire to. But you do so, to move things along, so it'll take 3-6 months VS 9-18 months to Actually feel better due to moving on rather than a temporary string of days or a week or so feeling better but it welling up again (just as an example; mileage varies depending on person & situation).

Never purely rely on the clock alone, sitting at home. It ticks much much slower that way.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 53
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/13/2016 9:58:42 AM
Replacing one with another definitely speeds up the getting over process.

But for ME, I need an initial " mourning " period of about 2 months or so. If I meet someone after that , then it doesn't feel " weird " and if I like the new person and ESPECIALLY if we get intimate .... it's like wiping the old person off a chalkboard - even if it doesn't work out with the new person .
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 54
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/14/2016 11:53:33 AM

But for ME, I need an initial " mourning " period of about 2 months or so.

2 months is a good while. I understand having some pause, but I also believe in Not waiting until it's comfortable. But if you know no matter how big the relationship was or how bad it stung you in the end, that after 2 months it Will be comfortable -- sure. I think for most people if/when they think that, the time ticks and ticks far longer, and it isn't until 6 months until they feel comfortable enough to put their feet in the water... then it isn't until 9-12 months until they're comfortable enough to date w/o emotional issues behind the scenes.

IMO, doing it when it's Not comfortable is the best route, because it's not supposed to feel comfortable. I'm not talking eHarmony to find the one-true love. Just casually dating, getting the feet wet, learning the dating terrain again, etc. Kind of like a guy with a 90s-hockey-hair-do, finally getting a hair-cut. He's not going to be comfortable doing it -- even though it's in his best interest in 2005 to do so, and not wait until 2010-2015 until he is... as in the end, he'll be glad he got that hair-cut when he didn't want to. His comfort-zone wasn't his friend at the time of not wanting the chop.
 justdeb111a
Joined: 9/4/2016
Msg: 55
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/14/2016 9:54:54 PM

Every time you contact that ex, you are practically resetting the "get over" internal clock.


Even worse than that, you come off to HIM as desperate.

If someone doesn't want to be with you, why cling?

He is a fool--do NOT grovel. Do not become a bigger fool and lose your own self respect in the process.

If you have friends you can commiserate with in real life---do it! And what was said here by someone is true--fastest way to forget one is become intriguing to another(s).

Put a spin on your life--do something incredibly sexy, flirty, imaginative. Women travel in packs for a reason, and not just that there is safety in numbers when you're clubbing, but to SUPPORT each other (often raucously), and even egg each other on--and that is exactly what you need.

Now get out there with your posse and take no prisoners :)
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 57
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 11/17/2016 9:01:31 AM
I find looking at my right hand and singing " I got you babe " sometimes helps .
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 58
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 11/17/2016 11:09:52 AM

I find looking at my right hand and singing " I got you babe " sometimes helps .


I look at both the left and the right and have visions of a threesome.

I can't sing though.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 59
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 11/17/2016 9:47:51 PM
"If you do want a giggle though I found out he had been cheating on me after we broke up... He then finished it with the woman he was cheating on me with because she was cheating on him with two of her ex boyfriends and he couldn't trust her... Dramas! Who would have thought that a women who knowingly sleeps with a man in a relationship would be capable of such things... "

Birds of a feather flock together, b/c we want someone who makes us feel comfortable about ourselves. Who wants to date a nag?
 BlasphemousBombshell
Joined: 9/27/2016
Msg: 61
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 11/18/2016 7:06:13 AM
There are a lot of guys on these forums who say mean shit to women for the sheer sake of being nasty, but gtomustang aint of 'em (thank gawd) so i went and looked at his comment. It seems the birds of a feather statement applies to the woman whom you say the guy slept with (you explained she had a history). Mustang tried to give an explanation for why someone would engage in this behavior.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 62
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 11/18/2016 10:30:44 AM
Thanks for the vote of support, BB. I apologize, I should have referenced better the line I was talking about:

"Who would have thought that a women who knowingly sleeps with a man in a relationship would be capable of such things"

there are different reasons why people cheat. One of them, I find, is they are opportunists. They see a chance, they take it. there was a study on NPR a while back, after Ashley Madison's website had been hacked. They looked up the client list, and found a good percentage of the people on there to cheat worked risk-taking jobs or for companies who cooked their books, et cetera. Cheating on their marriage was just one more way in life they took a chance on getting caught. it was just a pattern for them.

Many times, we wish to date (not just a one-night stand) someone who makes us comfortable with the way we live our own life. If we live in a cluttered house, don't fret over the small things, and aren't worried about what our appearance "Says to other people"...how long can we stand dating our opposite? We might put up with it for a little while, or even think this person is going to change us for the better, but...does it really change our nature? Or do we end up feeling nagged about it?

Another reason someone might cheat on us is, they've lost respect for us (or never had it). Are these people likely to nag us about every little part of us that bother them? Its possible. But we usually don't spot red flags that look like our own. Why would we think our behavior is so bad? So, a woman who knowingly sleeps with a man in a relationship, might not cluck her tongue at him b/c she's only interested in what she wants. She ends up cheating on the cheater, who didn't see it coming b/c he'd have to be judgemental of his own behavior, in order to have a judgement of her behavior.

like the old line about how the easiest person to con, is the confidence man. or my old line, the first time we make a mistake, its a learning experience. If we repeat it, its a mistake, we didn't learn what we were supposed to. If we repeat it yet again, its neither a learning experience nor is it a mistake--its a pattern of behavior.
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