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 justdeb111a
Joined: 9/4/2016
Msg: 45
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Getting over breaking upPage 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
jellybeans,

Forty years ago when such things happened, I was part of a group of very good girlfriends. We had this saying that the worst was the first 72 hours after either being dumped outright or finding out that you were not in the mutual relationship you thought you were. After 72 hours, it gradually got easier. Number one rule was when you are dumped, never call the guy--do not contact him in letters or through friends, nothing. Anytime one of us had this happen, we would take turns hanging out/going out with her--often the whole group--so that she did not contact the guy and didn't feel abandoned.

Going out in a group was safe, supportive and sheesh, there were so many more "fish" out there by the end of the a couple weeks he was forgotten history even if it had been a long term relationship (long term at that time was 6 months or so).

Funny thing too, I found that when contact is completely cut they eventually try to come back. (Twenty something men as drama queens? apparently so).

Now that I've gotten older and my group has scattered--one even passed away---I have found a different way of handling loss like this. Although it has been awhile since I last dated and was dumped (hence I'm here) I will still never call them or contact them in any form, if they try to contact me they'll hear a dial tone immediately. I'll also reflect back on the relationship because really, only death is sudden--everything else has subtle changes and warnings.

Stop running it through your mind that everything was perfect (if you didn't think so, you wouldn't have any difficulty moving on) and what went wrong--or worse, what did you do wrong. Nothing you can do about what is going around in someone else's head--you gotta keep your own straight. If you take one hour and go over how things really were, you'll realize you didn't lose anything.

Then, back to fishing :)
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 46
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/12/2016 8:58:30 PM
^^^^^that's a really good post.
 Scaretale
Joined: 1/9/2016
Msg: 48
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/13/2016 7:33:38 AM
If you're still calling him (even if it was his birthday)....you're nowhere near being over him.

STOP CONTACTING HIM!!!

You have a long way to go.
 InnerGorilla2
Joined: 8/1/2016
Msg: 49
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/13/2016 8:54:35 AM

Number one rule was when you are dumped, never call the guy--do not contact him in letters or through friends, nothing.


Every time you contact that ex, you are practically resetting the "get over" internal clock.
 Scaretale
Joined: 1/9/2016
Msg: 51
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/13/2016 9:00:46 AM

Every time you contact that ex, you are practically resetting the "get over" internal clock.


Great advice.

To go further...I would say that everytime you obsess/talk about him, you are resetting the "get over" internal clock.

So everytime you post on here, you are letting those feelings bubble up.

Maybe try to lay off even this thread :-)

Good luck Jellybeans!
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 52
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/13/2016 9:47:23 AM

I don't really feel much of anything right now. I don't feel all that excited about the prospect of meeting new people of dating but equally I don't feel all that down about it either. We shall see.

I guess its just time.

You shouldn't feel excited about meeting new people. That's the point. :) Like I say, don't follow your gut/heart. That led to the phone call. But yes, a little taste at least did make you feel better, but at the same time -- you feeling better now, it will well back up to one degree or another, which is why it's ill-advised when you're just watching the clock.

Sure, time will help -- over time. By no means instantly. Which is why you should be out there meeting others. Doing so is not any formal, robotic soldier-step moves by any means. You aren't supposed to feel the desire to. But you do so, to move things along, so it'll take 3-6 months VS 9-18 months to Actually feel better due to moving on rather than a temporary string of days or a week or so feeling better but it welling up again (just as an example; mileage varies depending on person & situation).

Never purely rely on the clock alone, sitting at home. It ticks much much slower that way.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 53
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/13/2016 9:58:42 AM
Replacing one with another definitely speeds up the getting over process.

But for ME, I need an initial " mourning " period of about 2 months or so. If I meet someone after that , then it doesn't feel " weird " and if I like the new person and ESPECIALLY if we get intimate .... it's like wiping the old person off a chalkboard - even if it doesn't work out with the new person .
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 54
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/14/2016 11:53:33 AM

But for ME, I need an initial " mourning " period of about 2 months or so.

2 months is a good while. I understand having some pause, but I also believe in Not waiting until it's comfortable. But if you know no matter how big the relationship was or how bad it stung you in the end, that after 2 months it Will be comfortable -- sure. I think for most people if/when they think that, the time ticks and ticks far longer, and it isn't until 6 months until they feel comfortable enough to put their feet in the water... then it isn't until 9-12 months until they're comfortable enough to date w/o emotional issues behind the scenes.

IMO, doing it when it's Not comfortable is the best route, because it's not supposed to feel comfortable. I'm not talking eHarmony to find the one-true love. Just casually dating, getting the feet wet, learning the dating terrain again, etc. Kind of like a guy with a 90s-hockey-hair-do, finally getting a hair-cut. He's not going to be comfortable doing it -- even though it's in his best interest in 2005 to do so, and not wait until 2010-2015 until he is... as in the end, he'll be glad he got that hair-cut when he didn't want to. His comfort-zone wasn't his friend at the time of not wanting the chop.
 justdeb111a
Joined: 9/4/2016
Msg: 55
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Getting over breaking up
Posted: 9/14/2016 9:54:54 PM

Every time you contact that ex, you are practically resetting the "get over" internal clock.


Even worse than that, you come off to HIM as desperate.

If someone doesn't want to be with you, why cling?

He is a fool--do NOT grovel. Do not become a bigger fool and lose your own self respect in the process.

If you have friends you can commiserate with in real life---do it! And what was said here by someone is true--fastest way to forget one is become intriguing to another(s).

Put a spin on your life--do something incredibly sexy, flirty, imaginative. Women travel in packs for a reason, and not just that there is safety in numbers when you're clubbing, but to SUPPORT each other (often raucously), and even egg each other on--and that is exactly what you need.

Now get out there with your posse and take no prisoners :)
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 57
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 11/17/2016 9:01:31 AM
I find looking at my right hand and singing " I got you babe " sometimes helps .
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 58
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 11/17/2016 11:09:52 AM

I find looking at my right hand and singing " I got you babe " sometimes helps .


I look at both the left and the right and have visions of a threesome.

I can't sing though.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 59
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 11/17/2016 9:47:51 PM
"If you do want a giggle though I found out he had been cheating on me after we broke up... He then finished it with the woman he was cheating on me with because she was cheating on him with two of her ex boyfriends and he couldn't trust her... Dramas! Who would have thought that a women who knowingly sleeps with a man in a relationship would be capable of such things... "

Birds of a feather flock together, b/c we want someone who makes us feel comfortable about ourselves. Who wants to date a nag?
 BlasphemousBombshell
Joined: 9/27/2016
Msg: 61
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 11/18/2016 7:06:13 AM
There are a lot of guys on these forums who say mean shit to women for the sheer sake of being nasty, but gtomustang aint of 'em (thank gawd) so i went and looked at his comment. It seems the birds of a feather statement applies to the woman whom you say the guy slept with (you explained she had a history). Mustang tried to give an explanation for why someone would engage in this behavior.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 62
Getting over breaking up
Posted: 11/18/2016 10:30:44 AM
Thanks for the vote of support, BB. I apologize, I should have referenced better the line I was talking about:

"Who would have thought that a women who knowingly sleeps with a man in a relationship would be capable of such things"

there are different reasons why people cheat. One of them, I find, is they are opportunists. They see a chance, they take it. there was a study on NPR a while back, after Ashley Madison's website had been hacked. They looked up the client list, and found a good percentage of the people on there to cheat worked risk-taking jobs or for companies who cooked their books, et cetera. Cheating on their marriage was just one more way in life they took a chance on getting caught. it was just a pattern for them.

Many times, we wish to date (not just a one-night stand) someone who makes us comfortable with the way we live our own life. If we live in a cluttered house, don't fret over the small things, and aren't worried about what our appearance "Says to other people"...how long can we stand dating our opposite? We might put up with it for a little while, or even think this person is going to change us for the better, but...does it really change our nature? Or do we end up feeling nagged about it?

Another reason someone might cheat on us is, they've lost respect for us (or never had it). Are these people likely to nag us about every little part of us that bother them? Its possible. But we usually don't spot red flags that look like our own. Why would we think our behavior is so bad? So, a woman who knowingly sleeps with a man in a relationship, might not cluck her tongue at him b/c she's only interested in what she wants. She ends up cheating on the cheater, who didn't see it coming b/c he'd have to be judgemental of his own behavior, in order to have a judgement of her behavior.

like the old line about how the easiest person to con, is the confidence man. or my old line, the first time we make a mistake, its a learning experience. If we repeat it, its a mistake, we didn't learn what we were supposed to. If we repeat it yet again, its neither a learning experience nor is it a mistake--its a pattern of behavior.
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