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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 26
Sex Lifer IS on the Endangered ListPage 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I'm givin' Walts a high 5 and LOL Nataly who?
 flman2015
Joined: 10/3/2015
Msg: 27
Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 12:00:54 PM



From your posts it's quite clear that you want to get laid again with a woman that gets your exclamation point hard. What you haven't stated is why you'd want to remain in your current relationship. There must be something good in it, otherwise it doesn't make any sense to keep it going.

My first suggestion is the same as many of the posters above... end that relationship thereby increasing your opportunities to get what you want.

Your description of your S.O gives the impression that she is not interested in sex. That may be the case but, it is also possible that she is simply not interested in sex _with you_, just as you are not interested in sex with her. You may want to consider talking to her about having an open relationship. Never know, maybe her oven wouldn't mind grilling a few meatballs again. Even if she isn't interested in putting her oven to work again, she may not object to your getting "some on the side". Such a conversation could make things a lot simpler for you, both, logistically and morally. In your case, I believe that should be your first step.

A conversation with her regarding the situation has a significantly greater potential to lead to a mutually acceptable solution than anything anyone on the internet can offer.

Lastly, I suggest you change your profile headline to "no strings attached". That could attract the women interested in what you are offering. Consider too that those women could not care less if you "like sitting around and puttering around the house", whether you are into sports, politics, writing or any of those things. Their mind, like yours, is focused on other "characteristics".

In summary, try honesty, it may end up working a lot better than you think.

For the "getting some on the side"... take my advice with a very large grain of salt since I have no experience in that area. That said, I know there are women who, believe or not, prefer married men because it guarantees a no strings attached situation (a lot of them are married too.) I don't know how to find them... I guess places like Ashley-Madison... do a little research, there is probably something out there that can help you achieve your objective.

There are also clubs/places for swingers... look into that.

Good luck.




I'm givin' Walts a high 5


I thought you frowned on "rating" people ;-)
 blackbirdfly2u
Joined: 8/23/2016
Msg: 28
Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 12:11:00 PM
I think a few of us haven't been laid in awhile. A person should be proactive. I have started a GoFundMe page to send me to Vegas for 4 or 5 nights of wild fun and wonderfully wicked debauchery with some man I may have to pay for. Maybe I can talk him into going Dutch before he goes all Latin lover on me.

Finish one relationship before you dip your nib in any other inkwell. So rude and disrespectful. Shame on you.
 call_me_tater
Joined: 12/30/2014
Msg: 29
Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 12:32:12 PM
So you want to hang onto this relationship because of the perks you get.
She is your business manager for work and home, probably keeps your home clean, meals provided, laundry done, pets taken care of, etc and you don't want to give any of that up.
Would cost you a lot of money to pay people to do all these things and keep your home so comfortable.

But, there's no sex, no excitement, she acts too old, got fat, and is no fun.
You need another woman to fulfill those needs and you want it on the side...a secret from your woman.
Preferably someone who can slide into the duties your girlfriend performs plus be exciting to you.

You are too chicken to break it off just in case no other woman finds you as desirable as you find yourself.
Just leave her and show her your initial post when she asks why...make a clean break if you want to go off exploring on your own.
If you really are all that and such a great catch, you will have no problem finding the woman of your dreams, right?
Why look for something on the side if you are unhappy with your gf instead of just walking away from her?
Sounds like in your youth you had the next one lined up before you left the current one but this one is too involved in your life for you to secretly do that.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 2/25/2013
Msg: 30
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 5:51:52 PM
These are some questions I would ask yourself

1) Why do I want to do this? Is this excitement? knowing someone still wanted you? wanting to know you are still capable of arousing someone's desires? do you miss being desired? it there a connection missing? am I missing touch and affection in general?

2) What would happen if you explained to her what you are feeling (one of the above or something else) and asked her if you could have an affair?

3) Would you feel differently about her if you knew she was currently in an affair?

I've been in your shoes. After thinking about it almost 2 years and knowing what I felt I needed and why, I explained it to my partner and asked if I could take a lover, so I understand a lot of what you are saying AND what you AREN'T saying. My situation was different than yours, though.

It is everything you are hoping for, but there is also a lot you wouldn't plan for that can make the experience range from "I needed this" to "it was what I needed, but there was a whole lot I wasn't planning on that I didn't need and I'm not sure it was worth it" to "it ruined my life (and/or other people's lives) and I wish I hadn't done it".

Just like it's almost impossible to give up the thought once you decide you want that, it's also impossible to go back to who you were and for your relationship with your partner to go back to what it is. It's will wind up being a win - loose - loose situation or a loose-loose - loose situation. No matter how it turns out, it will not turn out 'good' for all involved.

It doesn't sound like you are going to take the risk to leave the relationship. Admit to yourself that that is your selfishness. Anything done in selfish disregard can't turn out well in the long run (for you). Anything not done the right way can't turn out the right way (for you and the other person you choose to have an affair with). These are just the laws of nature and they aren't going to be any different for you.

People can warn you, but I know very well also once that seed is planted ...

My advice: talk to her and ask. Yes you have a life together, but you also have a one life to live. Midlife crises (which I'm guessing you are in) will put that forefront in your mind.

Unless you are prepared to leave and let her have a life too, anything you do from here, IMO, is going to range somewhere from bad to disastrous. You might be able to keep it just at 'bad' if you ask and get permission.

What is the worse thing that can happen from telling her how you feel about this? (I'm asking you, not asking you to ask yourself). I'd also like to ask how long it's been since you've had sex, if you care to answer (or not).
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 31
Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 6:11:22 PM
1) There's nothing broke at her end, for her to fix. If you want her to change, you're going to have to suggest counseling and an ultimatum Because:

2) you aren't going to have your cake and eat it to. What holds you back is wanting it. As soon as you come to terms with the fact that you can't, the solutions will come to you.

3) you'll have to decide who you owe more. You can make yourself happy, or you can make her happy. I don't think this is a scenario of "i miss the sex only b/c I can't get it, I don't want to give up everything else she offers just to get my noodle wet" You might just have to set down a piece of paper, and write concretely every single pro and con. Let it all just stare you right in the face, all the things you'll lose if you stay, and everything you'll lose if you go.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 32
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 6:42:25 PM
I agree she does sound rather boring and it would behoove her to try to make her life more than just you and get some outside interests. That you have not married in all this time makes me think she is not really committed, either. You do want your cake and eat it and some get away with it, lies and deceptions etc. So up to you. She will twig sooner or later and then may decide to leave you and get a new life.
 ndm147
Joined: 8/1/2013
Msg: 33
Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 6:57:13 PM
She could be considered your common law wife after living with you for all those years. I am wondering if financially you are hesitant to split the assets if you break up.

I have heard this story from many married men ( married, long term relationship): I love her, won't leave her but I want sex and she is not interested, has health problems, has put on weight.

If you do find a woman to have an affair with she is going to expect to get your cell phone number to text or call you. Where are you going to have sex? Her place, a hotel? Can you keep the hotel bills and occasional drink at the bar or room service with the mistress from your girl friend who scrutinizes the money? Probably not. Will she question where you were while you are not home or at work? Maybe your best bet is to close the business and do traveling sales again.

Try swingers clubs; people are discreet there. Google some meet up sites; there are many just for people wanting to hook up for sex. Try o k cupid. Another free site.

I was on o k cupid but have since closed it. I had many men contacting me for sex--married men. You may very well meet a few women who are terribly lonely, perhaps in a relationship, like sex, but aren't getting any and will agree to an affair because it is better than nothing. The allure of these relationships are that they are secretive and are highly charged emotionally and physically. But emotions will get in the way and I do believe that the women will want more time with you, less constraints, to be invited to your place, etc. But keep chugging away looking for your mistress. You will learn a lot about yourself if one does develop.
 loveisatemple
Joined: 3/28/2014
Msg: 34
Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 7:10:39 PM
This is not about your sex life. Damn, are you a teen?

This was boring and narcissistic going back into your prior life, then you justifying being a cheater, then claiming you have a lot to offer, but you don't want to give up your security.

Pretty much, imo, you cannot have both, and it's foolish to delude yourself. Cheating is never necessary. Just be honest with her and either you work it out or you part. Then you are free and get to do your own accounting. You cannot have it both ways.

You cannot have love, trust, intimacy without honesty. Why should anybody form ties with you? You seem focused on the kicks and appear stuck in a juvenile mindset. To lie about it nullifies you as a man.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 35
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Giving my conscience back to my hormones
Posted: 9/10/2016 7:17:33 PM
I see I have quite a few opinions to address, thanks! Only have time for a couple tonight, though.


Nah, Ms. Baby. It's because.....She Let Herself Go.


Kj - But I can see you haven't let yourself go, so you definitely probably understand the dynamic of a woman "letting herself go." Otherwise your photo would be with no makeup, in curlers, probably in potato-sack sweats.

I'm not crazy about your input on my thread here; not much different than I expected from most of the women here, but I did get a kick out of reading your profile, which is terrific. Alas, I'm sure I'm under your "Mr. Creepy" section, though.

In your profile, you wrote:

Adopted a baby chick......tried to litterbox train it.....didn't work out so well!


I, too, tried to rescue a baby chick that had escaped the coop, and had been injured by one of our dogs. This was when I was a kid, and I took the chick, innocently thinking that it would be safe back in its coop, and placed it back in its coop with the other chicks......but boy, was I in for a shock. It was immediately attacked; the other chicks proceeded to attack the injury and disembowel it right in front of my eyes. As a kid, I was traumatized by that, and will never forget the visual from 45 years ago. I cried for days and my mom tried to 'splain it to no avail.

Again from your profile:

Rode a dirtbike....thank goodness for the helmet

Rode a horse into someone's house......they weren't very happy about it!


I've done the opposite....Rode a horse, yes...AND rode a dirtbike into someone's house.....and actually through someone's house. lol.


Inhaled a large amount of shampoo as I squeezed the bottle too hard trying to smell the fragrance.....in the middle of the health and beauty aisle of Target........uncontrollable sneezing ensued with tear tracks of mascara......


This exact same thing happened to my GF...actually my current GF....some 15 years ago...at the beach, only with suntan lotion. She has a habit of trying to smell every container she opens, and that time her sniff coincided perfectly with a sun-heated, expanded bottle of suntan lotion that practically exploded up her nose. OMG....although I conducted a similar "rescue," I laughed all weekend, and still sometimes laugh when the subject comes up. I thought that only happened to her, as she's the only person I've know with that strange habit.

Off topic, but funny.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 36
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 7:36:57 PM
IRS Wrote:

When I was ready to date again after the break up of an 18 year relationship (his decision, not mine) I found someone on a paid site. It got sort of serious right away and 4 months into the new relationship he was at my house one weekend. He asked if he could use my computer upstairs for "business". Well, yes of course. He was up there a really long time.

So after he left I started thinking about the computer time, and knowing about that little option called "history" I checked. And guess what! Yep, you guessed it. He was in the middle of setting up his profile on a sex site (won't tell you which one - you do your homework if you go that route). Well, I am sure you can guess the outcome. He got booted.


Ouch. Very strange that he would choose the set up the profile on your PC, unless he didn't have a PC himself. But he must not have been that sharp (sorry) as everyone knows you need to wipe the browser clean if you don't want to have your history discovered. I mean, that's "Affair Basics 101." Sorry to hear that happened to you. But then again, after reading around here, nothing really surprises me.


So if your girlfriend checks your digital device you are going to be in some trouble
If you Google "How to have an affair and not get discovered," wiping browser histories clean, on your PC and Phone, are probably at the top of the list. It's probably not bulletproof; if your mate takes it to some type of forensic nerd, but that's likely not to happen. And you do understand, in giving me suggestions, that you may be putting yourself on the **** list of others here, don't you?
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 37
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Yuck and Yawn
Posted: 9/10/2016 7:41:09 PM
loveisatemple
This was boring and narcissistic

+1. Narcissists are a weird combination of creepy and boring.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 38
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Giving my conscience back to my hormones
Posted: 9/10/2016 7:41:51 PM
Whatsamatta wrote:


SHE let herself go? Have you even LOOKED at his picture? It looks like he hasn't showered in days.
Not sure how you can assert that, since I don't have a picture posted. Unless the pixels in my blank space look unshowered.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 39
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 8:05:01 PM
Tater wrote:

So you want to hang onto this relationship because of the perks you get.
She is your business manager for work and home, probably keeps your home clean, meals provided, laundry done, pets taken care of, etc and you don't want to give any of that up.
Would cost you a lot of money to pay people to do all these things and keep your home so comfortable


No, I think you misunderstand, Tater. She is not simply a walking, talking "perk provider." And I also cook, clean, do laundry and help take care of the pets. I'd say I do over 50% of the cooking (even though she is a terrific cook, and I s*ck at it) and I do 100% of my laundry, have done so since I was 10 years old. Cleaning, try again...I do at least 50%. And if I lived alone, I would do these tasks; not hire someone, I grew up in modest circumstances and am used to the drudgery of household work.

Actually, you're suggesting quite a dated idea of a woman's job in life. Some women may be offended. At least I'm progressive in that area.


But, there's no sex, no excitement, she acts too old, got fat, and is no fun.
You need another woman to fulfill those needs and you want it on the side...a secret from your woman.
Preferably someone who can slide into the duties your girlfriend performs plus be exciting to you.


Halfway right. Sure, I'm seeking more excitement, so you're right on there. But I don't care about anyone taking over the other "duties" my girlfriend performs...not interested in that, which would entail an upheaval. Most men, when seeking affairs, probably don't assess a prospective affair partner's ability and willingness to clean, cook and walk the dog. That likely doesn't make the list of boxes that need to be checked. I'm no different.


You are too chicken to break it off just in case no other woman finds you as desirable as you find yourself.

Puh-leeze. I don't think I would have a problem...just my opinion, though and after reading through these forums I realize there's plenty of heartbreak and surprises out there, especially once you get past the big 4-0 landmark. But, in the world of romance, you gotta be confident and maybe have a bit of an inflated opinion about yourself, or you'll lose. And the reason for that? Women like it.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 40
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 8:27:30 PM
Escape wrote:


Op do the right thing for both of you. Tell her , allow her to either engage in extra fun outside the relationship or end it. If you split, Split your business fairly maybe even keep it as a shared interest and cut loose. You already know you will be fine, support her to pick up her life for the way she wants, she at least deserves that along with love and intimacy. Everyone does, you included.


I think you were the one who wrote that you were in a similar situation, you eventually left, but you often wondered whether it could have been saved with a little effort? Care to elaborate?
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 41
Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 8:37:52 PM
KJ always gets the good ones. Sigh...
 Heffelump
Joined: 8/27/2016
Msg: 42
Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 8:43:50 PM
A smile and a pleasant disposition go a long way.
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 43
Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 8:54:06 PM
^ Let's not drag our breakup stuff onto the forums, kay? These nice people don't need to be subjected to that. Besides, like I keep telling you, it's not your fault you can't maintain an errection.
 justdeb111a
Joined: 9/4/2016
Msg: 44
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 9:13:56 PM
ZzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzBlink.

huh?! Sorry fell asleep about halfway through reading this.....er......5000 + word manifesto to recommend a swingers' site.

From a guy in a 20 year "relationship" who doesn't want his picture shown?

Single, Scmingle--that turkey is married.

Think I will remember this post, because I've had trouble falling asleep lately.

Better than melatonin.

Nighters everyone.
 justdeb111a
Joined: 9/4/2016
Msg: 45
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/10/2016 9:16:11 PM

I have started a GoFundMe page to send me to Vegas for 4 or 5 nights of wild fun and wonderfully wicked debauchery with some man I may have to pay for.


GoFundMe ?? Brilliant!!
 Escape2bfree
Joined: 1/7/2016
Msg: 46
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/11/2016 1:46:50 AM
'Care to elaborate?'

Yes. I was in a long term marriage, we have children together. Our lives weren't so intertwined we had always given each other space. The last few years at the end there was no intimacy nor care. I'm using a phone so not able to explain as fully as id like.

I wouldn't say I had let myself go I was presentable but with two kids I focused on meeting their needs. However, when my marriage ended and I looked towards a new relationship I didn't realise how little effort I made. So, I gave myself a make over in both looks, approaches to ppl and lifestyle. Turned out I was attractive and do have a lot to offer. But whilst making those changes I kept asking why I hadnt done this while I was with him. The answer, because he placed no value on me and failed to care for me. He got his own needs met but failed to support mine. I worked equally as hard as him, earnt as much and contributed half if not more. But to him, he did it all. He is now with someone who wants it all and he provides it all/most. I think he is happy? But he has at least acknowleged how little he valued my hard work and I think he finds life hard.

As for me, well I did well befor I met him. More than capable of doing it again. I've engaged in serveral relationships, some have been fun, some painful, all an experience. But the one thing I regret the most were those years of lack of intimacy. Not just sex, but yes sex and good exciting caring sex. But also care, appreciation and value for me.

The description of your so, says to me she feels worthless.

I would say my ex fekt pretty much the same. I didn't provide the care or value for him. Looking back and seeing where we both are now. I would say we both wanted to live different ways and are now doing so. But there is still a bit of me that feels it was good in so many ways, if we had the skills to make the changes where would we be now? Breaking up was difficult and starting all over again was hard for both of us. For everything I gained I also lost something. So at this point there remains doubt and I wonder if there is another way? The biggest hurdle is that I don't love him any more. I did very much, but not now. Though I'm not sure if I don't love him because he placed so little value on me and values everyone else more. If I had stayed with him and lived those years without intimacy then found he was getting his I think the anger that had built up would of likely exploded all over him. Although remembering my feelings at that time I think I would of felt relieved that he was getting it from somewhere other than me. But that would not of allowed me to do the same, I would of continued to be trapped in a loveless, sexless relationship. That to me is the hardest kind of living and no place I would like to be in.

Ps if you did your own washing from age 10 and from the disruption of your early love life I would guess you had it rough growing up? So yes you made the right choice with her, she gave you what you needed. Likely you did the same for her. Maybe those needs have now changed?
 imanorangetiger
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 47
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/11/2016 2:19:42 AM
A lot of the time, when a woman in a LTR doesn't want sex, it just means that she doesn't want to have sex with her partner. Perhaps the OP needs to look at his own place in this relationship and let her go, so that she can find someone she really does want to have sex with.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/1/2015
Msg: 48
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/11/2016 2:49:15 AM
OP, if you current GF was asked "would you be happy living in a relationship where he was having an affair", what would she say? If you think she would say "absolutely not!", then why do you think you have the right to make her live a life she doesn't want, without knowing about it? Is that any way to treat someone who has loved and trusted you for 20 years? Does she really deserve that?

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 49
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/11/2016 7:32:59 AM
CF Beauty made a comment to me on the "Getting Stuff Back from my Ex" thread....and since exclamation point needs to get her camera back, and thus doesn't need her thread hijacked.... I will respond to CFB on this thread.


According to your profile, you are six feet tall and have an athletic build. Your fling must have been quite an Amazon in her own right, if you could fit into her sweat shirt. Most guys are broader in the neck and shoulders than the 'average' woman. I'm surprised you could get her sweatshirt over that big head of yours, much less your neck and shoulders.


I don't know what's considered an "athletic" build in the world of online dating - I'm a newbie - but at the time I was about 185 lbs....now I'm 170-175. I have always been athletic, run, work out, etc., so I consider myself to have an "athletic" build. Maybe 170-175 is not "athletic?" If not, I will change my profile. At any rate, you make a keen observation.....yes, she was a bit of an Amazon, probably 5'10", a few extra pounds, but also well endowed...um...ya know. Combine that with the fact that many women like oversized sweatshirts, and voila - I wore it. And it did fit over my head.

And BTW, she picked me up, not vice versa. She was also a Psychiatrist, or some type of Psych- type professional (can't remember, through the sands of time.) She practiced some out of her home and I remember her showing me her official looking home office (yes, with the familiar Psychiatrist's couch) and I thought for a fleeting moment maybe she'd plop me down on her Psych couch for an examination! She wasn't too keen on that, though, so alas, onto the bedroom.


I suspect you made up this story 'out of whole cloth'~ hahaha
Funny joke, but your suspicions are wrong.
 hearton64
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 50
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Getting my Sex Life off the Endangered List
Posted: 9/11/2016 7:37:31 AM
If your bored and living in a sexless relationship...so is she.

The least you owe this woman is a choice
as to how or if her relationship continues
knowing your intentions to cheat on her.

Have you considered her in this at all?

Have you considered another alternative of proposing
an open relationship so you both can have your cake and eat it too?

Fair is fair.

And if she's not interested at least she can decide if she wants to
stay with you knowing you're not happy as things stand and you both
can move on.
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