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 blackbeauty744
Joined: 12/1/2015
Msg: 400
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56-year-olds need not applyPage 18 of 17    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
Hey julystorm7:
I realize many won't date a person with kids but I also know many that will. I know you said you like the small-town feel but I think your location is also a bit crippling.

Don't be so down :)
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 401
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56-year-olds need not apply
Posted: 5/8/2018 7:24:08 PM
Maybe if people quit focusing on finding this perfect image they have in their heads....they wouldn't feel like they are settling!

and you know the saying "one persons trash is another persons treasure"....well the same can be said about people!!

If I think about my guys attributes.... I guess another woman might feel she is settling for him.
He is only 5'6" tall - he's a small framed man - he drives an older vehicle - he doesn't like going to public events.....
But I don't feel like I settled at all....he is kind, compassionate, treats me with upmost respect, treats others with respect, makes me laugh every time I'm with him, makes me feel beautiful and sexy, and deals with my crazy work schedule without complaining!!
To me....he is my perfect partner. To another woman....he doesn't ring the bell on the 10 list!!
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 402
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Settle is being at peace
Posted: 5/8/2018 8:32:41 PM

Y'all would honestly be cool with finding out that your partner settled on you?

News flash - ANY person who decides to stick to one partner IS settling for that person. I don't care how much you want to brag about finding a trophy or an upgrade - or continue to demand more and better of them - if you are willing to stop hunting for other partners, that IS "settling" in a nutshell.

Would you want to be with a person who is never happy or satisfied with you? More than likely, they are never satisfied or happy with themselves as well. If a woman feels insecure about my height or some other character trait, it's up to her to deal with it - I am who I am. Trying to put me down by saying they reduced their standards is really just an admission that THEY F*ed up and can't handle their own choices. Dealing with a partner is about managing expectations and keeping things honest, not about pretending there is always going to be something better and life will always improve.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 403
Settle is being at peace
Posted: 5/8/2018 10:19:51 PM
With experience comes wisdom. After being with someone who was so mean to me, called me names all the time, called me stupid, dragged me down constantly, I could definitely settle for a kind man and someone who I had stuff in common with. I confess to dating a kind man a couple months ago, a single dad who seemed perfect for me when we were texting but the nail in the coffin for me was that he constantly called me pet names. I tried to force myself to like him but there was zero attraction. I actually slept with him, believing it might change my mind but nope. It was such awful sex too. So yeah, settling for someone you aren't attracted too is wrong. But giving someone a decent chance and meeting them to see if there could be attraction is another story.
 sun___flower
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 404
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56-year-olds need not apply
Posted: 5/9/2018 10:16:43 AM
PieAlaMojo
Y'all would honestly be cool with finding out that your partner settled on you?

You're not what I really want in a mate, but I guess you'll do....F*ck that.

+1.
 reverendswine
Joined: 4/14/2018
Msg: 405
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56-year-olds need not apply
Posted: 5/9/2018 10:43:26 AM

News flash - ANY person who decides to stick to one partner IS settling for that person. I don't care how much you want to brag about finding a trophy or an upgrade - or continue to demand more and better of them - if you are willing to stop hunting for other partners, that IS "settling" in a nutshell.


"Settling down" is not the same as "settling" in the context you're thinking of.

Just in case it was missed the first time around - one will never change a woman's preferences throwing logic around. It doesn't speak to their ego.

What does? Messages like "girl, don't you ever settle!" being pounded into their head. It tells a woman she's awesome.

Furthermore, even if this were possible, do you really want to resort to having to *convince* a woman she should date you? How satisfying could that possibly be?

"I'm not what she really wants and she probably thinks I'm still an undesirable schmuck, but I finally made her realize that dating me is better than sitting at home every weekend!"

Yeah, that's real hot. Ugh.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 406
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56-year-olds need not apply
Posted: 5/9/2018 2:35:27 PM
I guess I missed the class, 'Settle 101'
I just can't seem to wrap my head around this.
Such a todo, over ? "Settle".

All I can picture is .............planting .............flowers, ...........perennials. You dig the hole twice the size, of the root "ball", you make a slight mound in the center, tap the plant from the pot, slightly loosen the dirt around the roots, set the plant in the hole on the mound, and fill in the hole with the loose soil. You tamp the dirt down, keeping the base of the plant at the same level in the soil as it was in the pot. You slightly make an indentation in a ring around the base of the plant so that when you pour water around the plant it will soak in, near the roots.
The flower plant will "settle". The roots will take hold.
TaDa! Easy peasey!
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 407
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56-year-olds need not apply
Posted: 5/9/2018 2:40:43 PM
Good analogy LIR!!
and like gardening....just by giving a little attention....even the flowers that are half dead on the discount cart can turn into beautiful specimens!! We have to just give them a chance!!
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 408
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56-year-olds need not apply
Posted: 5/9/2018 3:45:57 PM
Julystorm wrote:
There's a theory in psychology that says that in every romantic relationship there is someone who "settles". The settler has more power in the relationship than the person who is settled for.
I think this makes sense. There are may reasons why people settle. Especially as one gets older. Other responsibilities (job, kids, family etc.) in life mean having to de-emphasize spending time on "me" time...i.e. making time to socialize, meeting people, etc. etc. Thus cutting down on probability on meeting THE person. Thus settling. Everyone knows a couple who exhibit what you write about, i.e. one has more power and thus wields that power. One of my best friends snagged a woman way out of his league looks-wise...and paid the price. She wielded the power and used it. He basically was a puppy-dog to her. Then she divorced him. But now, he still chases women way out of his league. I guess that's still OK, just don't marry them!


Though I have things to offer in a relationship, I know its not enough. I know at this point, I don't have a hope in hell of landing a good catch. Thanks all you forum-posters who have convinced me I'm at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to dating because I'm a single mom with 3 young kids.
Yes kids are baggage, there's a thread somewhere where people try to say where they aren't, but yes, they are. BUT.....they are baggage with an asterisk. Once one gets in their 30's, it's not as big of a deal, because most men in your age range will also have children. Yes, your chances at landing a single man will be reduced having kids. Otherwise, don't be so down on yourself, you have a lot to offer, I can tell that from your posts here. Now, as far as being in the "boonies," that is a hindrance and there's not much that you can do about that, except move.
 SS4544Spd
Joined: 8/31/2016
Msg: 409
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Posted: 5/9/2018 3:49:33 PM
Correction to above: I mean childless man, not single. Arghhh!!
 whiterose0
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 410
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Posted: 5/9/2018 6:31:21 PM

There's a theory in psychology that says that in every romantic relationship there is someone who "settles". The settler has more power in the relationship than the person who is settled for.


Ah, if it were only that simple - a settler and a settlee. IRL, it doesn't always work out that way. Half the time, the man and woman switch positions. At least they do if they have a viable relationship.
 MachIMustangII
Joined: 2/16/2018
Msg: 411
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56-year-olds need not apply
Posted: 5/9/2018 6:38:41 PM
"Y'all would honestly be cool with finding out your partner settled on you?"

>>shoot, my exgfs who were out of my league did :). The two good things were, (A), I knew when they'd leave--sometimes before they even realized they settled for someone to get them thru the winter or over a breakup, and (B) it was good while it lasted. I'll accept a glass of fine wine half full. But I understand for many people, they want to identify themselves with the quality of partner they have. If you are looking to "settle down" (there's that word), then you want to think you finished in first place.

for those who were looking to date..beggars couldn't be choosers. but what works for one person, doesn't work for the other. It all depends upon what they want out of a relationship.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 412
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Posted: 5/9/2018 10:46:55 PM

So yeah, settling for someone you aren't attracted too is wrong. But giving someone a decent chance and meeting them to see if there could be attraction is another story.


I agree with you July. Everyone "settles" at some point, especially as we get older and our pool gets drier. Settling for a loser/abuser/cheater, etc. is not the same as accepting a viable, flawed-yet-decent person who you like and who likes you, & with whom there is mutual physical attraction. The person may not fit the mold of your "dream guy/girl" but as we all know, those don't exist.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 413
56-year-olds need not apply
Posted: 5/10/2018 9:11:25 AM
Exactly. And there is another important element to mention. Do not "settle" for someone with an intention to try and change them because that's just as exercise in futility. When you accept someone, realise that this is the person you are getting and decide if that's the person you want to be with, flaws and all.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 414
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56-year-olds need not apply
Posted: 5/10/2018 10:37:55 AM

"Settling down" is not the same as "settling" in the context you're thinking of.

Just in case it was missed the first time around - one will never change a woman's preferences throwing logic around. It doesn't speak to their ego.

What does? Messages like "girl, don't you ever settle!" being pounded into their head. It tells a woman she's awesome.

Furthermore, even if this were possible, do you really want to resort to having to *convince* a woman she should date you? How satisfying could that possibly be?

"I'm not what she really wants and she probably thinks I'm still an undesirable schmuck, but I finally made her realize that dating me is better than sitting at home every weekend!"

Yeah, that's real hot. Ugh.

1) Logic doesn't work. Yeah, read it the first time. Doesn't mean I can't use it in an argument when women are trying to make it personal.

2) 'Don't ever settle' messages being pounded in - is indeed relentless. All the commercials pushing high priced gifts for Mother's Day right now is an excellent example. Don't just make a nice card out of crayon - buy this $150 card with a pop-up sculptured centerpiece she can take to the neighbors and flaunt it.

3) Resorting to 'convincing' a woman to date me -- isn't that happening ALL the freaking time? What's that 20 questions interrogation thing we do through these sites after first contact? Of course it's not satisfying - but neither is a first meet/date - it doesn't HAVE to be the best encounter possible. It's a generally awkward, learning experience. People put way too much emphasis in the mythical/magic 'spark' that is supposed to happen instantaneously. Now, if the person still needs 'convincing' after the 2nd-3rd time you meet - yeah, that's when you start considering the fire exit at the back of the restaurant. People that don't need convincing right away are probably drunk or have had their inhibitions removed by some other method.

Nobody wants to think that they were recruited to be the backup singer. Nobody wants to know that they were 23rd on the draft list. Never mind the fact that in most cases it's true -- they gotta make us 'feel' like we are number One. Players are really good at doing that - because they are also really good at lying. Women AND Men play that game all the time - because other people would rather be lied at to feel good than accept the truth.

Making us feel exceptionally good at first means more than making the effort to continue it. KEEPING that exceptionally good feeling from the first time is more important than realizing it's not possible to keep it going forever. People are not Jonesing for a long term relationship - they are addicted to the adrenaline rush of a first time, wonderful time - and want to keep it going - even if that means dumping the current Schmuck and starting over.

Real proof is found NOT in that first impression - but in actions over time. I haven't had a lot of first dates, and really don't want them. I'd rather have several mediocre 2nd, 3rd, and 4th and develop a pattern of trust and reliability. THAT is what has meaning to me.
 julystorm7
Joined: 12/25/2017
Msg: 415
56-year-olds need not apply
Posted: 5/10/2018 11:15:02 AM
I think that's a good method to have. I have rarely had a fourth date though. I usually know in the first half hour of a first date if something is worth pursuing. During my younger dating period (ages 18-24), I went on several first dates but I was admittedly the one to end things every single time, choosing for it to not go beyond a first date. Finally got to a person I wanted to see again and I knew it right away and we dated for a few months. I would say that in many of the instances of that early dating, I should have given some of those guys a better chance and gone on second and third dates but at 24, I was young, thin and single and could be fussy so I was.

During this second dating period (age 34), I am trying to do the opposite of being fussy after a first date. Looking for any reason at all to go on a second date with someone but the guys that I have seen just have things I know I can't get beyond. The two guys I saw that I wanted to get beyond a first date with told me the exact same thing: they liked me but didn't think they could date someone with kids. Yet both keep messaging be as "friends" and both view my profile from time to time which makes me crazy. And both of those dates went well. The one guy finally messaged me back asking me to go out again but then went we were making out he was the one I mentioned in the cleavage thread so yeah. Not good. But that was only 3 months of dating. After my surgery at the end of March I opted to take a break from dating till June. I wonder what the results will yield then, lol.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 416
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56-year-olds need not apply
Posted: 5/10/2018 4:18:35 PM

siisaa
Everyone "settles" at some point, especially as we get older and our pool gets drier. Settling for a loser/abuser/cheater, etc. is not the same as accepting a viable, flawed-yet-decent person who you like and who likes you, & with whom there is mutual physical attraction. The person may not fit the mold of your "dream guy/girl" but as we all know, those don't exist.

Well, yeah, they do. Most definitely. But they all seem to be taken, or not interested in me, or something.

Oh, well, I'll just have to keep looking, and enjoying the chase.
 reverendswine
Joined: 4/14/2018
Msg: 417
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Posted: 5/10/2018 5:40:05 PM

Of course it's not satisfying - but neither is a first meet/date


Says who? If most of mine were miserable or unpleasant experiences, I wouldn't even bother.

If I were having dating issues, I wouldn't spend a single second here venting or debating, either. I would be cracking
down hard on solutions.
 feirene
Joined: 1/3/2017
Msg: 418
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56-year-olds need not apply
Posted: 5/11/2018 8:57:33 AM
I'm not settling. Most of the time i'm pretty sure i don't even want a relationship as being single means i can be selfish and i enjoy that these days. I used to be good at compromising but not so much any more.
 ponyelvis82
Joined: 6/15/2017
Msg: 419
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56-year-olds need not apply
Posted: 5/11/2018 1:20:52 PM

I agree with you July. Everyone "settles" at some point, especially as we get older and our pool gets drier. Settling for a loser/abuser/cheater, etc. is not the same as accepting a viable, flawed-yet-decent person who you like and who likes you, & with whom there is mutual physical attraction. The person may not fit the mold of your "dream guy/girl" but as we all know, those don't exist.


Unfortunately, to a lot of people, that person still exists. One of my favorite cliches you see on this site is the whole "I'm done having my fun and now it's time to settle down."

These lines just scream that those of us that this girl is willing to talk to are her consolation prize. It's what she goes for after tall, dark, and mysterious didn't work out the last 50 times she tried dating the repeated clones of the same guy. She already has it in her head that we're not fun or exciting, we're boring and bland, and to her, that means the stability that she desperately needs in her life.

When you start reading between the lines of what people say, especially on these sites, they're still hoping for that fantasy to come true. Everyone else is just what they're willing to settle on. It's not what they want to spend their lives with, they've just given up.
 reverendswine
Joined: 4/14/2018
Msg: 420
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Posted: 5/11/2018 1:22:49 PM

I'm not settling. Most of the time i'm pretty sure i don't even want a relationship


Just "pretty sure"? Gee, I can't imagine why a thread titled "Women Don't Know What They Want" exists.


However, should you change your mind, I have some bad news for you. You *will* settle. Every last person on Earth does. The difference is in the degrees which it varies.

No one will ever find someone who will cater to their every whim 24/7 until the day they die. Not the rich, famous, poor, unknown, fat, tall, skinny, short, etc. No one.
 Kissfromarose77
Joined: 4/2/2018
Msg: 421
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56-year-olds need not apply
Posted: 5/11/2018 1:32:40 PM
It’s ok to have standards, but you should you be sure that they’re realistic standards. I’ve seen profiles of women who don’t have the perfect body say they only date tall men. If you’re not physically perfect yourself, why would you expect that a man you date needs to fit some kind of ideal physical image.
 siisaa
Joined: 8/6/2017
Msg: 422
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Posted: 5/11/2018 1:36:57 PM

Unfortunately, to a lot of people, that person still exists.


If this mythical dream guy/girl is not with you or out of reach, like Henry mentioned earlier "taken", "uninterested in [you]", etc., etc....then no, they do not exist. They may as well be in some remote Siberian village.

Another interesting point you brought up is when women are done riding the****carousel, they're disheartened when the decent, viable guys they rejected in favor of more exciting, spontaneous bad boys are either no longer available or interested in them. I have a male friend who is 46 and told me it's "insulting" when women come sniffing around after they've been ****ed out by a bunch of douchebags to see if he's still single and available.


You *will* settle. Every last person on Earth does. The difference is in the degrees which it varies.


Agreed.
 Kissfromarose77
Joined: 4/2/2018
Msg: 423
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Posted: 5/11/2018 3:12:32 PM
It’s ok to have standards, but you should you be sure that they’re realistic standards. I’ve seen profiles of women who don’t have the perfect body say they only date tall men. If you’re not physically perfect yourself, why would you expect that a man you date needs to fit some kind of ideal physical image.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 424
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56-year-olds need not apply
Posted: 5/12/2018 12:57:28 PM

Ah, if it were only that simple - a settler and a settlee. IRL, it doesn't always work out that way. Half the time, the man and woman switch positions. At least they do if they have a viable relationship.

Yeah, I agree. It's common and usual, even if it doesn't "feel" like 'settling'. But, it's also not a rarity that a single guy & gal, where both like & want to be single bump into each other, sparks fly, on the same page, and start dating. Because when you really dig someone, and they really dig you -- in the Honeymoon Phase, your dislikes, annoyances, etc lessen A Lot. It's just until After you "settle in" with them, that things come down to earth where things that Should be a negative does go from neutral->negative. That said, with some, there's not many negatives to write home about and are a couple you tip the hat to.

I think the more unique & independent one is, the less chances of having that.

No one will ever find someone who will cater to their every whim 24/7 until the day they die. Not the rich, famous, poor, unknown, fat, tall, skinny, short, etc. No one.

I used to find them on Craigslist. They charge about $100/hr, though. :)

To be fair though, my fantasy/ideal gal wouldn't be one who caters to me 24/7. Sure, it'd be great if she could/would during a "vacation" phase of time on purpose (role playing?) -- but it's a mild turn-off if a gal's a Yes-girl. But, I would Certainly take that over the something even remotely close to the opposite.
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