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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Any tips on getting past my shyness?      Home login  
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 illinigirl2168
Joined: 6/21/2012
Msg: 26
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Any tips on getting past my shyness? Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Thank you for the compliment Sugar (by the way, love that song!)

Yes, I did meet him on here..it took me a year and a half, and roughly 80 dates (that doesn't even count the ones I spoke with who stood me up or flaked at the last minute, literally, after speaking to me on the phone every 2 nights before a Friday night date - very frustrating)

Don't get me wrong I met some very charming, good men..I had some GREAT first dates and only 3 pretty horrid ones. Most were just with nice men with whom the chemistry was lacking, but I always enjoyed the dates and conversation. Have stayed good friends with one.

Anyway, I had just about had it with OLD and was doing better meeting men in real life while out alone actually and dated one for 3 months ( a semi - famous musician actually whom I met whilst traveling solo. I highly recommend this as a way of building confidence in yourself and getting over any shyness you say you have)

So, after a very fun spring/summer touring with him, he went his own way and I went home. I was just about to delete my profile and stick to real life as it was more fun and "real"..and I saw my now boyfriend's message that he had sent a month previously when I was on the road (I hadn't logged in in 2 months).

He is 10 years younger, so I didn't think much would come from it long term..but it was so sincere that I messaged him back with my phone number and told him to call (had had it with the texting nonsense by then)

Long story short, he did and we spoke every night for 4 days and met that Friday night..and have been together ever since -even went on a 4 night trip together the very next week. He is the sweetest, most polite, best man I have ever dated (and that's saying something).

So the moral is, don't get discouraged.. it only takes is one-and you NEVER know who that may be;) Fate is a strange and amazing thing.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 27
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 4:29:11 PM
Putting that you want a relationship is not an iron clad contract and after all you would talk about what you will do when you connect. You just have to be honest and hopefully so will the guy be. If a guy wants you to commit after a very few dates
it is a sign of control and perhaps neediness. That is a turn off for most of us. A lot of guys will say they are looking for a relationship to get the gals to go out with them but have no intentions of being serious. Some are even married. So watch for those signs.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 28
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 4:33:09 PM
fullmoonguy

who mentioned a bar? A drink can be any sort and encompasses coffee in my language. After all it is light later in the day, is it not? You are as usual, too literal. lol!
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 29
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 5:03:17 PM

I feel that shyness is an egocentric (not to be confused with "egotistical") sort of a thing; that it's one manifestation of worrying too much about how one appears to others. As such, I do believe it can be overcome by taking one's focus off oneself and focusing more on others.


Oh great, now you tell me.

I have a tough enough time worrying about what I'm gonna pull outta my hat, and now you tell me I'm suppose to start worrying about some stranger that I'm hoping to get in between the sheets????

This dating thingy truly is bizarre.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 30
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 5:27:24 PM
Sugar - you get stuck you can always shoot me a msg..
I started again after being wed forever
few weird meets.. and one crazy
but been with same guy over 3 years now. It can be done.
Lucky he is getting used to the cellar :/
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 31
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 5:31:06 PM

...now you tell me I'm suppose to start worrying about some stranger that I'm hoping to get in between the sheets????


Don't be absurd. (Could you even imagine?)
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 32
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 5:38:38 PM
LOL Baby
I was kinda hoping he's say on top of the counter
Walts, where btw is that promised salmon? Sure.. using smoke salmon to hot chat me you beast
 Whatsamattababy
Joined: 5/3/2016
Msg: 33
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 6:07:52 PM
^ I'm sorry, but I don't think anyone is going to read past "counter".
 Sugar_Yes_Please
Joined: 10/29/2016
Msg: 34
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 6:09:13 PM
Illgirl - thanks so much for sharing your great story. That is very inspiring! Man I hope at 52 I don't have to go on 80 dates (or more) to find "the one! Lol
You guys are so cute together. I am happy for you! :)

Letitia - I actually have my profile set back to "wants to date but nothing serious". Will keep it that way for now and see how that works out. I don't think most guys really pay any attention to it anyway. I am all too familiar with control. My ex-husband was a master at that. I hope I don't run into too many creeps!

Ouija - thank you for your offer to let me message you. I just may take you up on that sometime :) I feel like I am being thrown into the jungle I'm here lol!
How old were you when you started over? Did you meet him on here?
 illinigirl2168
Joined: 6/21/2012
Msg: 35
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 6:15:27 PM
Thanks so much!
My best friend's aunt was widowed at 57 and then at 62 got on here for dating..she went on a total of maybe 5 dates and wasn't getting any messages after a while.

She was also just about to quit..then she met a man from here an they were married in months! They are very happy from what she says and just got back from Hawaii.

So, there ya go!
 Sugar_Yes_Please
Joined: 10/29/2016
Msg: 36
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/6/2016 6:23:47 PM
Wow that is so awesome! I love hearing pof success stories!! Very cool 😃
 Ed Bear
Joined: 5/19/2007
Msg: 37
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/7/2016 3:39:01 AM
Sugar, things may have changed - but at least the last time I looked you had a couple of weeks to change your username, age and a few other key items. The idea was to allow error correction or second thoughts about age lies. :)

If you worry about what the "for" and "intent" may be interpreted as, say more in your "About Me." Like, you seek a stable, exclusive relationship but aren't in a hurry, so you want to start slowly.
ED BEAR
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 38
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/7/2016 6:02:24 AM
That's good that you are shy and probably a little gun-shy.... that will help keep you away from the creeps! You are better off safe than sorry.

Rule number one is to listen to your intuition...... if something seems off about a guy, even though you can't put your finger on it, cut contact. At the least this can save you from wasting time. Or it might just save you. There are plenty of fish in the sea but you only need one.

If you really feel you are too shy, get a part-time sales job (not a clerk job).
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 39
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/7/2016 10:53:30 AM

I love hearing pof success stories!!


Personally, I think the disaster stories are much more entertaining.


fullmoonguy

who mentioned a bar? A drink can be any sort and encompasses coffee in my language. After all it is light later in the day, is it not? You are as usual, too literal. lol!


Apparently, the reference went right over your head.
 hearton64
Joined: 6/9/2016
Msg: 40
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/16/2016 7:40:40 AM
I joined here in 2008 in your same shoes.

Every guy here seemed to want to hook up.
You have to at least show your intent as looking for
a relationship but believe me that will NOT ensure
you don't get sold a bill of goods.

I was under the assumption this was a dating site!

Hahahaha! Pulease!

It took me a year to find one man who didn't
Talk about sex or expect it right away.

We met, hit it off and have been together for
almost 8 years now.its possible!

"Shy" to me spells insecure.
Same with social anxiety.
If you allow fear to define you,
Instead of courage, you may as well
throw the dating towel in now.

Whatever you fear most you need to overcome by
walking straight into it!

I was afraid,yet knew finding love was worth the
risk. And I took a lot of them!!

Just like in men, confidence is what attracts.

If you have severe anxiety I suggest Zoloft but say
goodbye to your sex drive.

If you are simply afraid of the unknown
I suggest breaking free of the false sense of security
and control you think you have and take chances
and accepting that you simply can't control much of anything.

That's just life.

Go live it!
 moonbeamlover1
Joined: 11/10/2016
Msg: 41
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/22/2016 12:41:45 AM
sugar...

I know many people who had to transition back to dating after thirty year relationships that were out of their depth, shy and pretty scared.

the majority of them found online as the first entry point more than a little intimidating... since there are so many jaded game playing people that see them as entitled princesses with all the options rather than scared newbies who don't have s clue what they were doing.. and many got attached insulted and jerked around by baggage online daters.

Most of them found getting comfortable in friendship and special interest groups until they got their dating legs back helped a lot. Online dating for many required a lot of courage ... not easy when you are brand new and nervous.

get your sea legs under you first of find people looking for friendship who are in the same boat. it will make it easier if you both take those first steps together.

very best of luck ;)

moonbeam
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 42
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/22/2016 1:40:03 AM
At 52 I dont imagine you are actually that shy unless you have lived under a rock. Anxious and nervous about the whole online dating thing, I get that. It can be quite stressful and nerve wracking. Again I say get the guy you connect with on here to meet you within a week or so and after you have heard his voice on the phone, at least. There are no guarantees and people get stood up, lied to and scammed. So keep your wits about you. Hopefully your pictures are current as you look so young and there will be no disappontment when you meet someone face to face. You would be surprised how many people post quite old images. A full length image is also recommended so the men can see what they are getting. I think you would want the same, right!!

 Seki1949
Joined: 9/4/2013
Msg: 43
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 11/27/2016 2:33:46 PM

Someone just barely started talking to me and already asked me out for coffee.


I'm like that now. It doesn't necessary mean that there is any thing 'wrong' with the fellow.

I use to carry on long courtships by messaging back and forth. In some cases, that built sky-high expectations for both parties and then massive disappointment for one or both when we finally met face to face.

I won't do that anymore.
 PopCultureGeek
Joined: 11/27/2016
Msg: 44
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 12/3/2016 4:23:50 PM
well overcoming shyness or social-awkwardness, is not really expected of women as much as it is of men, whether we like it or not, why? it's pretty obvious, in life, society, it's men, not women, that are expected to be the confident assertive ones, yes i am speaking out of my strong resentment towards that.
 Nestaron
Joined: 3/22/2016
Msg: 46
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 12/28/2016 10:40:06 AM
Step outside your comfort zone cold approach people just things like hi and how are you just easy stuff to start. You build yourself up to extended conversations the more you do it the friendlier and open you become. It just takes practice like anything else you do over time you become efficient at it.
 MohawkMayhemRebel
Joined: 12/30/2016
Msg: 47
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 1/6/2017 2:44:37 AM
Best advice, Be yourself and be honest. Far too many aren't and then wonder why they are alone or how people found out they were lying. Also it's not lying but don't hold back anything based on the potential of what your friendship/relationship could turn into. It may seem smart to hide something kind of important, but it isn't and they always find out in the end, so you just make yourself look bad. I'm also going to tell you not to share EVERYTHING too fast with just anyone. TMI in the wrong conversation or situation can be a horrible experience and a turn off. Just be polite and friendly :) if that isn't working the other person is an ass , kick them to the curb and move on to someone that will appreciate it.
 Scamp_in_VT
Joined: 8/8/2011
Msg: 48
Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 1/14/2017 9:36:16 AM
I'm someone who spent the first half of my life plus a few years, much too shy, especially with women. As others have mentioned, the world is especially unkind to men who have that struggle. Thankfully a variety of things helped me move past that. Some things that helped me:

"Act as if"- don't try to fight the anxiety, or judge yourself for having the anxiety. Just take the reach to take action as if you didn't have it. The first time is very hard, but it gets less hard. Another way of putting it is "fake it until you make it." I put a real priority on genuineness on things that matter, but in overcoming shyness, this really works.

Keep expectations low. You wouldn't and won't be attracted or think there'd be a good fit with everyone who reaches out to you, and when you have that reaction, you're not being judgmental. It's not a devaluation by you of people you aren't drawn towards. It's just reality. Anyone non-desperate won't be attracted to just everyone. Accept that others will have a range of reactions to your potential interest in them, and that it's a crapshoot and longshot that there's mutual interest. Expect nothing but try anyway, because you have nothing to lose (what you'd have to lose is if fear turns into paralysis and inaction and regret). Become rejection proof. It is hard at the beginning but gets easier with experience. And it pays vividly and generously, and not just in the ability to ask people out. If you learn to draw your worth from deep within, you're much more fireproof against the hard stuff that life inevitably throws at everyone.

"Don't compare your insides to other peoples' outsides" -many of us, especially the shy, think that others have it easy. What someone exhibits in terms of ease on the outside bears radically little relation to what may be their reality. Some people who appear ultra confident and breezy in the ease of their interactions have actually developed a 'false self' to display to the world to shield their fearful core. Some people who seem to have been handed an easy life have actually been through hell. Point is, don't compound and amplify your anxiety by thinking that your anxiety is really any worse or different than the struggles that others may have gone through- or may currently still be going through- on the inside.

There's a lot of truth to "the law of attraction"- like attracts like. Live the life you want, and keep your mind and emotions on what you have and what you are aiming for, but not dwelling on what you don't have. Clarity is remarkable at producing results and making the right impression to the world. Even clarity that you are still working towards clarity. Live the now, fully, including with all its imperfections and uncertainties." Google up Rilke's "“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves..." (it's much too long to paste in here but worth a read).

It's all a journey, but the good thing is that you only need to take one step at a time- and you can take one step at a time. Just like actual walking- if you are worrying about the step that you'd need to take five steps from the next step you actually need to take, you'd stumble.

You can do it. Good luck and best wishes.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 49
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 1/16/2017 12:42:28 PM

Whatsa - I have no problem focusing on others. It is just a matter of severe social anxiety.

That's really what it is. There's going to be anxiety for anyone (notably gals) who've been married/taken for decades and are brand new like a freshman girl to the dating scene. Some live vicariously thru their single friends who've already divorced and are dating, and when Separated hang out in group settings that aren't Dates but something close to it that eases them into things, all while always being a social butterfly and it's not a big deal. But everyone obviously doesn't have that setup.

So combine this new world to emotions with having some social anxiety -- the focus should be on "I'm not finding a husband or a boyfriend. I'm just single and ready to mingle, that's it." Focus on not letting Yourself think it's a big deal. It's NOT. You're not in any Hunt for a guy. You shouldn't be. It's only as big a deal as you make it out to be, and your anxieties are going to make it seem like a tall order in which it's not.

Best thing to do is to find single gal friends and hanging out with them... joining groups of people who are single, and just mingle, and work from there -- and have entertaining social Fun doing so. Make the focus Not On Guys -- but just being SOCIAL. That's it. Overcome that first to your comfort zone with no goals of meeting any prince at all (this is what should be started when Separated). Then after getting into your comfort zone being more social -- open up more in actual Dating. Think of the dating scene as not a hunt for any guy -- but just an environment where an item Could come about... where the "goal" is just being social with people where there's some mutual attraction and just hanging out. Don't put pressure on yourself, and enjoy the Buffet! It's not a pie-eating contest. :)
 Sugar_Yes_Please
Joined: 10/29/2016
Msg: 50
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Any tips on getting past my shyness?
Posted: 1/16/2017 6:19:31 PM
Thank you Norwegian guy and everyone who has given me friendly advice. Not everyone has that's for sure!

I very much appreciate the kind people in here :)

I have gotten a bit better at my shyness, at least online for sure. The more practice I get the better I am.
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