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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > when "splitting" happens by the person you love      Home login  
Joined: 9/13/2016
Msg: 26
when splitting happens by the person you lovePage 2 of 2    (1, 2)
See, this is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about.

A disorder that is nearly impossible to diagnose for people with a decade of training, and years of experience, is identified quickly and efficiently here based on a single paragraph. The people here are just proving Tom Cruise right: psychiatry is a scam.
Joined: 4/5/2016
Msg: 27
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/24/2016 7:29:27 PM
When I read your post, OP, I thought the same. Maybe a personality disorder...such as Bi Polar.

I'm disappointed to read some of the above posts who suggest you run. Also the suggestion of her need for therapy.

I have Bi Polar. My mood swings, however, range from quiet to tears for no apparent reason. I am not an angry type, thank goodness.

As regards therapy, when I was first diagnosed with Depression (which later manifested into Bi Polar) I cried. I asked my doctor if therapy would help. He looked at me and gave me a scenario.... "What if I told you you had Diabetes. How much counselling will help to cure it?" I said none. He said "Exactly."

I wish you well OP, with this difficult situation and I wish her well too, to seek the medication she probably needs.
Joined: 11/10/2016
Msg: 28
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/24/2016 8:31:21 PM
to nancy

I am sorry you have had issues with bi polar and being a supportive friend when someone is suffering your particular disorder is a good thing ( though I know half a dozen people over the years who were diagnosed with that... you might not counsel a diabetic but you also would not just try and get in every day.,, you have to learn to manage the insulin.., learn what your diet needs to be ... what to do in emergencies.. you stay involved with a professional who gets you medication and the tools for dealing with your diseases

a mental verses physical disease is no different. you need medication to temper the extremes and calm the anxiety and mania but you also need someone that can help you navigate how to temper your emotions when your body is triggering feelings that can cause anxiety... sadness or energy levels that disrupt sleep and can affect your health. if you were honestly told after diagnosis not to go to a mental health professional to learn how to navigate your own path and empower yourself to get control of your emotions and manage the physiological results from the adrenaline I question the credentials of your physician.

you deserve people and you deserve happiness. but being around a person who is not stable nor always available is a price many people can't pay in a relationship... because you never know who you will face when... nor how long you will have them nor what will trigger s drastic change.

a person has to know how to navigate their own path before they can navigate with another... otherwise both people destabilize and the partner instead of being supportive.. becomes confused gunshy.. nervous starving for validation and their own caring when the other person frequently does not have energy to give those things

wouldn't getting the ability to give those things to yourself and learning how to manage your environment and diet and thought process and physical actions when the adrenaline hits ( or wanes) wouldn't that be a good thing to do for yourself before you are asked to do that for s partner?
Joined: 4/5/2016
Msg: 29
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/24/2016 8:54:11 PM
Wonderful post, moonbeam. I read it twice.

My diagnosis of BPD was diagnosed by my Psychiatrist at the time. I saw my regular doctor who diagnosed clinical depression then referred me to a Psychiatrist.

Clinical depression is, in fact, physical. Took me a while to realise that. Clinical depression is a lack of Serotonin in your brain which can be brought on by various factors....... Chronic Illness, steroids (used in operations), emotional trauma, among other factors. The last three I listed were my initiating factors.

I had panic attacks, dizziness, really bad confusion, hallucinations, heart palpitations, suicidal thoughts, body jerks at night, voices in my head.....was awful. :(

After a few sessions with my Psychiatrist and my deteriorating physical and mental behaviour, he diagnosed Bi Polar. I'm on the maximum dose of Exefor which is wonderful.

My family are incredibly supportive so I'm very fortunate in that regard.
Joined: 11/10/2016
Msg: 30
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/24/2016 9:43:39 PM
ouch that sounds horrible... I am glad that you are surrounded with good loving supportive people and that they are giving you something to help the depression and anxiety.

I applaud your courage in sharing what it was like for you and giving people a glimpse into the mind and body of someone with that affliction. I hope people have compassion and empathy that oreviously only thought about the consequences from that.. though I also hope you can empathize with someone trying to get their bearings when they are with someone mercurial unstable... sometimes mean or unknowingly cruel and so overpowered with their own flooding overwhelming feelings they sometimes can't see how much the other can actually start to feel the same... it's really really confusing and painful. It can really mess them up emotionally .. so if someone does not have the emotional strength to maintain through that... them not partnering romantically sometimes is the best for both people.. especially if the one person is looking for someone else to stabilize fill or make them happy. a person can't get the real help they need if they try and wring it from another person. the person then is stopping them getting the actual treatment they need to get a handle on the actual cause.

Thanks again for your perspective. it was very well expressed.
Joined: 4/5/2016
Msg: 31
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/25/2016 5:59:15 PM
Thank you too, moonbeam.

I can certainly empathise with those facing this commonly misunderstood health issue. It takes education, perhaps personal experience and a special quality in those "looking on" to speak.

We don't know, of course, if what the OP has described is,, in fact, a measure of mental illness and I sincerely hope it isn''t. As Half Time said, we cannot possibly override professionals with years of experience and make a judgement in one paragraph. We don't mean to but it may come across as such. My post was just food for thought, is all.
Joined: 8/21/2015
Msg: 33
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/27/2016 9:49:02 AM
I suggest you carefully consider if being with someone who has dark tendencies is something you are willing to tolerate or not

I would encourage you to set boundaries on what you will or will not tolerate
Joined: 11/2/2016
Msg: 34
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/27/2016 10:26:05 AM
My 32 year old daughter is both ADHD, and BPD. Years of different medications, therapy, and intervention programs have helped some. There is no cure, only understanding through love. We all have our problems, health issues, and life struggles. OP- I only wish you the best working through yours. My daughter has been on a roller coaster for many years, as she tries diligently as of late to remain healthy.

Relationships are difficult enough, so be kind and good to you first. A patient, and understanding partner is essential. Those batting their own mental health issues will only complicate your personal progress.

Peace to you
Joined: 8/8/2011
Msg: 35
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/27/2016 7:45:16 PM
Moonbeam- thank you for your thoughts and suggestions in this and in your other posts; you were absolutely correct in your query in one of your other posts about whether I was looking for a thread of hope of someone who'd been through this and found a way through to a happier mode within the relationship.

When things are good, there is a lot that is good, but it's come clear to me that if anything, when things have been going well, that seems to be what slowly but powerfully sets off this person's tip into the dark, seemingly fueled by a vulnerability of increased closeness or hope or whatever that goes with things going well.

And I've gotten to the place where the turns towards the good just feel like the lead up to another crash- I never know when, I never can anticipate why, but I can't maintain any cognitive dissonance that it's not going to happen.

This is a painful lesson that even when two people have a huge array of compatibilities on many values, shared joys, and hopes that are hard to find - if their way of relating to and navigating or sustaining closeness and trust doesn't mesh, then all of the compatibilities are- painfully- beside the point.
Joined: 8/8/2011
Msg: 36
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/27/2016 8:08:44 PM
Flaneur- THANK YOU. Your response here and also synthesizing it with the prior thread is immensely helpful to me. Yes, same person, same relationship, the turmoil mostly moved away from her freak outs about the specific topic of suspected (but utterly absent) infidelity (which had been the main dark preoccupation when I wrote here before) and into various other topics, and the pacing of the cycles lengthened and became less severe (when I'd set some harder boundaries last spring in response to some of the input in the other thread, things seemed to be shifting towards the better over the course of the summer, only to have all H*** break loose early fall, and then go back into cycling back and forth until now).

Painful late-breaking realizations on my part that if someone is powerfully disconnecting/ devaluing some of the time, they are for all practical purposes emotionally unavailable for a healthy connection ALL of the time- because if you don't know when the disconnect/de-value is going to rear up and completely sweep aside any normal interaction or way of relating to one another (and especially when [as here] it seems to follow on the heels of things going better), you never know where you stand.

I've been hoping that patience by me would allow a breakthrough and regained trust back to the early days of the relationship which were wonderful and harmonious until this dynamic took over, but am coming to the painful realization that all of that was it seems only some version of best behavior or honeymoon, or that the dark somehow only came out when I became fully committed and available and openly interested in a future....
Joined: 8/8/2011
Msg: 37
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/27/2016 8:14:26 PM

Thanks for your opennness and kind thoughts and I wish you well. I am no stranger to depressive phenomena- I know people that strugle with it, and have had situational depression in my own past [the fact that I haven't landed in strong situational depression in the midst of this current rollercoaster is something for which I count my blessings but it is also a product of a lot of work I have done along the way).

I don't think bipolar is what is going on here; if this were just 'down' that would be one thing; I am completely tired of being the subject of warmth and closeness and seeming appreciation some of the time and treated as scary and awful and deserving of pulling or pushing away some of the time
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 38
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 11/28/2016 2:16:14 PM

She has Borderline Personality Disorder. She needs professional help hands down.

So where does she go to get the help? On the Canadian side or the American side? Or if in the south, on the American side or Mexican side?
Joined: 8/8/2011
Msg: 39
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 1/1/2017 4:54:00 PM
After giving couples counselling some more time and effort and me continuing to learn about a lot of different things, it's clearly not so severe as to be borderline, but when I read about "vivacious histrionic" personality tendencies I thought that someone had been a fly on the wall to the wackiness that I've been living through.

It all boils down to what some of you have summed up much more simply and succinctly: once someone has displayed powerful uncertainty about being comfortable with you/ wanting to be with you [and it doesn't matter if they previously seemed very certain in their positivity about wanting to be with you], you really have nothing to work with.

I don't throw in the towel easily on something that had appeared to be (and once for a time was) a good thing, but I am learning the value of throwing in the towel sooner than I historically tend to do. In the current/ recent instance, it'd be an understatement to say that I have now thrown in the towel, once and for all, never again will I live in this particular type of nuttiness, or will I put up with it for so long.
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 40
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when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 1/1/2017 6:18:22 PM
I know exactly what you're talking about. Dated a man on and off for about a year that behaved this way. 90% of the time he was a great guy, that other 10% I wasn't willing to put up with it.
Every 3-4 weeks he would "get in a mood". Nothing would bring this on as far as I could tell, it just was. Anger, distrust, paranoia, demands, drinking seemed to make things worse but he would do this sober.
After a suicide attempt by him, after he had yet again broken up with me, he started counselling. He then told me that his therapist said I was narcissistic. How would she know that never having met me? Again, he was the victim, I was the guilty party.
Shortly after I had had enough and broke it off for good. Fast forward a year and I get an email from a stranger, his newest ex. She wrote almost word for word what I wrote about this man but was pressing charges for assault.
So in my experience things don't get better, they escalate. There's nothing you can do to help her, she has to help herself. I have no idea what disorder these people have if indeed it's a disorder but their behaving badly does not mean you have to or should put up with it.
Joined: 12/20/2016
Msg: 41
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 1/2/2017 6:35:39 PM
Well it depends on what you are asking from this person. I mean what kind of relationship are you trying to have? Have I ever tried to have a normal relationship with someone like this? Yeah and my advice is it's stupid don't do it. If you just gotta be with this person I'll pretend to be in your position and tell you what I would do.

First never lose your identity of yourself as an individual. What do I mean by that is what I'm sure your asking now. Well I'd make sure to have my own place my own bills my own life. If I see this woman I'd go to her place where she has her own bills and her own life and problems. Deal with whatever while I'm there and when it gets to be too much go home. :) Don't have children with this person don't get married don't get overly involved. Her problems are hers and yours are yours. That is the only way to make a relationship like that work. If that isn't your idea of the relationship you desire she is the wrong person for you and it isn't fair to her that you ask for more than she is capable of. Good luck. :)
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 42
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when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 1/2/2017 8:05:06 PM

As regards therapy, when I was first diagnosed with Depression (which later manifested into Bi Polar) I cried. I asked my doctor if therapy would help. He looked at me and gave me a scenario.... "What if I told you you had Diabetes. How much counselling will help to cure it?" I said none. He said "Exactly."

I’m sorry, but I have to call BS on this one. Many people with clinical depression have been helped, and yes, cured, by therapy, or “counseling”. I am one of those people.

Certainly, some suffer from a chemical imbalance, and need drugs. Others do not. I did not.

And now that you’ve brought up diabetes … In 1997, I quit smoking. Hardest thing I ever did. For the next 6 months, I constantly ate hard candies. At the end of that 6 months period, my blood glucose level spiked at 380. Yes, diabetes, type II. Rather than sit around and mope about it, I investigated, studied, read everything I could find on the subject. Diet (no refined sugars) and exercise were the answer for me. Within 6 months, my blood glucose levels were normal, and they have remained so ever since.

For those who wish to point out the obvious – yes, I’m overweight. But not from eating refined sugars, and not from lack of exercise. Too much biscuits and gravy, never mind the mashed potatoes and gravy.

Do NOT take medical advice, nor psychological advice, from anyone here in the forums. And yes, that definitely includes me! Do your own research. And if you’re not comfortable doing the research yourself, then find a professional that you trust and work with him/her.
Joined: 9/4/2013
Msg: 43
view profile
when splitting happens by the person you love
Posted: 1/2/2017 8:26:43 PM

Too much biscuits and gravy

There is no sin in biscuits and gravy
and there is no life without biscuits and gravy.
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