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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?      Home login  
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 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 26
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?Page 2 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

No, the hurt would still be there for you if he fessed up and ended it.


It might still hurt. But the difference is timing. When someone was upfront with me, at least I would know and can move sooner. Even a white lie such as "I'm taking a break from dating" would have better than the disappearing act.
 VikingHoosier
Joined: 5/8/2015
Msg: 27
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/23/2017 9:03:58 AM
Sounds like he met the other girl (or rekindled things with her if they already knew each other), and he was seeing how things went with her. Because he wasn't sure she would stick, it didn't make sense to tell you immediately "I am trying things with another girl". Such honesty would be punished by you probably ending things, so you wouldn't be an option anymore and he might be alone if the new girl didn't stick.

Saying he had things going on wasn't a lie.

Once he considered the new girl a relationship, it would have been polite to contact you and say, "I met someone new, and will remove you from my Snapchat because I'm focusing on her". Letting the other person know it's over, the sooner the better. Seeing they're no longer a contact on a social media site is obviously not a nice way to discover it's likely over.

Perhaps he waited until after the holidays to make his relationship with the new girl official to avoid the awkwardness of what to do for each other so soon in the relationship.

The new girl might have done things to inspire him to choose her over you.

With his history of short term, things might end with the new girl soon and he'll move on to someone else.


Women seem to do this often, as they often have multiple contacts on dating sites. It seems a smaller percentage of men have the multiple options at a time, though a few players might have many options.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 28
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/23/2017 9:41:25 AM
The problem with the OP's story is we're only reading one side of the story. The guy might have a totally different story about why he did a Casper act. I get suspicious when someone implies everything was going perfect, and out of the blue, for no reason, the person they were dating suddenly ends it. There was no mention if there were any arguments beforehand, where things were said that can't be taken back, if there were warning signs that the relationship might be in trouble, and if there were any previous problems/temporary break-ups, where this time was the breaking point. Until all of facts are given without any bias, we're all just making up our own assumptions about what might have transpired.
I think the OP knows why the guy stopped contact, but isn't saying why.
 GhettoFoot
Joined: 9/4/2016
Msg: 29
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/23/2017 11:21:36 AM
^ exactly. If things were in fact "so perfect", he wouldn't have ghosted you. You two would still be together.

Also, this stuck out:


within a few weeks we were a couple.


WAY TOO FAST. Next time, take some time and actually DATE and GET TO KNOW the man. Meet his friends, co-workers, family and vice versa before making it official. When short-term relationships go sour just as quickly as they blossomed, it's usually because we didn't know the person as well as we thought. We've built up a fantasy representation of the guy/girl and when we see a negative semblance of the REAL person, the fairy tale is shattered.
 sarahlouise2412
Joined: 12/19/2012
Msg: 30
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/23/2017 11:39:22 AM
We never had any arguments,there was no warning signs.
It literally happened overnight.
He stayed at mine 2 days before and we had a lovely night.
This girl was known to him as she lives the same area as him.
I don't have a clue why he did what he did,the day before he stopped contact we organised for him to come to mine and I was cooking.
Obviously she was the reason ..he decided to go for this girl.
I wish we had a massive fall out ...at least then I would know what I did wrong
 sarahlouise2412
Joined: 12/19/2012
Msg: 31
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/23/2017 11:41:53 AM
Those 3 -4 weeks we seen each other a lot.
This is what he does..within 4 weeks he is official with the new girl.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 32
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/23/2017 2:12:08 PM
Sigh, you are beating a dead horse, he moved on, he will probably keep doing that until someone out does his game and then probably feel the way you are now, or he will never do anything more than he does now. Why do you keep at this? You know already why he's gone, it's because he wanted to go, and he can go. What answer do you think you will get if you keep asking? Stop obsessing over a man you barely knew, and see it as you both had fun and then he showed you his true self, and he's gone? Let it go, please, otherwise it will drive you crazy. What you did wrong was believe the fantasy, nothing more, we all have hopes, this one didn't work out, it stings, you keep trying figure out what you maybe did...he's done, he moved on to another woman who probably feels the same way you did a few weeks ago. It's your choice to dig in your heels and let this keep hurting you, or to shake it off (by not going on & on about it) and move on.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 33
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/23/2017 4:14:14 PM
why blame yourself? women do this all the time.... He is a cheater. How can we say what motivates him?? However you moved too fast and often these things end fast. He got bored perhaps as you were too easy. He was out to have sex as I am sure you know and men will do whatever to have that conquest. . . He probably wont last long with the new girl either. You saw the red flags but continue to feel it was somehow your fault. He may even be married.... Next time take it more slowly when you find someone of interest, and if he wont do that, then move on.
 superchillie
Joined: 7/21/2015
Msg: 34
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 1/31/2017 10:07:31 PM
l don't really think it's much to do with something you did wrong except read him wrong . But anyone can do that. Some people just turn it on to suit.
More just a case of some greener grass coming along and him not being upfront with you about just where he was in the you and him thing, Leading you to believe it was more.

But when she dumps him and he comes crawling, do yourself a favor and pass.
 BeckyHT
Joined: 1/1/2013
Msg: 35
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 2/1/2017 8:44:00 AM


You know what I did after shaking off the hurt? I dated. A lot. It helped.


You say you lived an hour away. Long distance relationships are risky. You need a healthy budget and extra time to do one.

I agree with the 'dating a lot'. However, it should be selective dating. Otherwise you'll be at further risk of being taken advantage of. You can do a lot of 'evaluation' by messaging, having discussions for days or weeks before you decide to meet them. e.g. You might like the appearance of the person's pictures, and yet find out they aren't your style. Take time before you meet, that's being selective.

And you can be a bit of a player yourself by dating more than one guy at a time. I did. Eventually the one you like better, will sort itself to the top.
 Diva Po-Po Princess
Joined: 5/15/2006
Msg: 36
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 2/1/2017 11:26:57 AM
I'm trying to figure out why it matters who messaged whom, first.

If it was her, he obviously started talking to her and pretty much, by the looks of it, presented himself as single.

If it was him who messaged her first, I think that needs no elaboration.

3 months isn't a huge amount of time to be that torn up over someone. Thank goodness it wasn't 3 YEARS. Brush yourself off and get back out there. There are plenty of scumbags and players in this world, but I promise, there are GOOD ones out there. You just have to look for them.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 37
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 2/1/2017 11:51:10 AM

Within 24 hours I clicked his profile and he is in a relationship with a girl who lives from his area.
I Live a hour away.
That's the reason I was dumped.

Yep. That's all you need to know, when it comes from learning it. And that PEOPLE (not just guys) will cut things off pretty swiftly and surprisingly. That's what hurts. The reason they do this is to avoid having to deal with guilt. Usually if it's Really swift & abrupt (not what your emotions say but based on what Actually happened) -- then there's probably more to the guilt adding than losing interest and wanting to move on... but someone else they liked which made their fleeting interest drop like a rock (which they Know is bad; they feel bad; they don't want to deal with it).

I don't understand what I did wrong?he went in a space of days from walking round Christmas markets holding hands/talking about NYE to cutting me off and starting with someone else.

It wasn't a Reality Show, so nobody can know if there was any reasons why he was losing interest exactly -- but remember: You don't HAVE to do anything wrong because it ended so swiftly/rudely/etc. You know why! You live an hour away. It's close "enough" for some where it's A-Okay... but interest starts fleeting after the Honeymoon phase for many.

I think the Way he ended things with a seemingly sudden cold shoulder and disappearance act is the Real Hurt. Why? Because he treated it the same as if all you two did was have a couple dates and that's it, right? It takes away from the Value of what Was there -- as if it was a bit of a charade! WTH, right?

Well, bear in mind that a guy, even a not-so-good-guy, is Not going to be seeing a gal an hour away being romantic for 3+ months if nothing was there. There Was. It wasn't a charade.

But as you say, in December, his interest started fleeting -- by him being a bit distant, liking the new-girl's pics on Facebook. Honeymoon phase was over between you two, the 1hr distance was already hitting home before that... you realize girls will feel the same way he did, right?

The Problem is is how he handled it. Self-centered a-hole who didn't put things in perspective. Him cheating on an ex he told you about -- that was a clue. The good thing is, he Does Realize that it wasn't wrong, but his emotion at the end of the day will make his decisions.

What does she have that you don't? Location, Location, Location. That was the key that opened up the door when your honeymoon phase ended.
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 38
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 2/1/2017 7:14:02 PM
sarahlouise2412- Over time, you will learn to be VERY wary of men who come on so strongly so quickly.
True feelings take time.
Really, the only thing you did wrong was not seeing this as an issue.
These are things you learn with experience.
Now you know better, so don't fall for it again.
It might not feel like it right now, but you caught a break.
Whoever he's with now, he will do the SAME thing to them.
Move on and learn from this.
 ThroatLozenge
Joined: 3/2/2016
Msg: 39
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 2/2/2017 9:23:34 AM
I always give subtle warnings that I'm about to ghost someone.

I decline sex.

The dates get cheaper.

I fart more.

If she can't figure it out, that's on her.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 40
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 2/2/2017 9:55:49 AM
^ ^ ^ ^ ^

I fart more.


LMAO, Who knew this? I was clueless!
(BF only farts in his sleep, whew, I'm good!)
 yourstillhere
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 41
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 2/3/2017 3:54:12 PM

I think the most confusing thing for me was that he seemed into me.
Texting all the time,seemed happy around me,holding my hands,seeming interested.


I have had this happen to me before a couple times, and THIS right here is the part that knocks me out.
The 180, going from what seemed and felt like good chemistry and attraction building, attachment beginning, great sex and affection, to ghosting.
Its like a sucker punch in the face.
An explanation of some kind, ANY kind would have made me feel better, I know this because I have had women who had a sudden change of heart and they told me about it, told me what they were feeling and did the best to explain why and I am STILL friends with one of them today after 20 years.
Being left in the dark all of a sudden just plain sucks, it hurts, it can drag you down.
Theres no reason to put someone through that, nobody should have to lose sleep trying to figure why, all of a sudden, someone changed up on you and you suddenly arent good enough anymore.
 LLBean990
Joined: 11/19/2016
Msg: 42
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 2/12/2017 5:43:12 PM
It is very heart wrenching when someone who you thought was genuine turns out to be a con artist. They act how they need to act in order to get what they want. It's very sad but there are all sorts of people ( men and women) who behave this way. They really have no heart, no conscience, and are extremely selfish and self centered.

This kind of happened to me, too. All I can say is that you are going to mourn the good side of him, but just try to remember that it was not real. And to be duped like that really sucks.

Give yourself some time to be by yourself and be with family and friends. Next guy....take more time in getting to really know him, his friends, family, his past and that should tell you what you need to know so that you can protect yourself from getting hurt again. Best wishes LLbean
 itschristo
Joined: 2/7/2017
Msg: 43
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 2/12/2017 8:11:48 PM
Some people date multiple people until they find what they are looking for. I dated a girl for 6 months, then she started telling me she was dating other guys because of developing feelings for me etc. So we stayed friends after and still are, which is cool. I asked her about it all and she said she gets feelings for guys really early, but doesn't want a committed relationship because of not being over her ex. But, her, like me, enjoys dating, it's fun, so to keep things under control she either dates two guys at once, or dates someone with a flaw so that she can't fall for him, but is happy enough to "date", hold hands, do things together, have sex etc. We were only supposed to be friends with the extras, but feelings got in the way and she didn't date someone else to balance it out.

After she explained it, I kind of understood where she was coming from, and if I'm being completely honest, I would happily do the same. She has 6 months before she leaves to live in another country and wants to date and have fun before she goes, so why not. She said when it's over she just deletes them on facebook or stops seeing them. Pretty cold thing to do, but each to their own I guess. I've dated girls before just for a few months just to test the water and see how it goes, and sometimes it's easier to just "ghost" them because you know 100% the needy crazy mess afterwards is too much agro. If you never had the "exclusive" conversation, then you can't really blame the other person for dating other people at the same time, or chipping off with someone else. Kind of sucks to be blindsided by it, but not everyone sees it as a scummy thing to do. I normally have the "exclusive" conversation about the same time the condoms stopped getting used. and yes, getting tested between each partner is normal I would say.
 Invaniam
Joined: 2/27/2016
Msg: 44
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 2/12/2017 9:14:15 PM
OP, I'm sorry this happened to you, but you're in good company as it happens so often these days, it seems.

My first ghosting experience happened long before the term came into use, with a man I'd been dating for 6 months. We had gotten on so well and all seemed fine until one day he stone cold stopped answering my regular calls and wouldn't respond to texts or emails. The thing is, he was employed in a dangerous line of work and so of course after not hearing anything for a few days, my stomach was in knots with worry about him being injured at work or worse. To put my mind at ease I decided to call his friend. Well, that was an awkward call as I was told he was fine and they'd seen each other that day. So my next vm had a decidedly different tone. A couple days later I got an email saying, "eff off and leave me alone, I'm done with you!" Talk about being on an emotional see-saw! It took a while to get over it and of course, I wondered what I'd done, etc. A couple of years later, out of the blue, I got an email from him apologizing for his "poor behaviour,... I was a really good person,... I didn't deserve it,..." as well as an explanation that he hadn't been fully over his ex as being the main reason for having wanted out. So, I finally got an answer, but ya know what? - it didn't make me feel any better nor in any way excuse his behaviour. It just brought up old feelings that I had managed to put aside and pissed me off for a few more days.

I've been ghosted a couple of times since but I now know better not to waste too much time dwelling on someone who is not worth the worry. It would still obviously be better if people would just communicate like decent human beings, though.
 Maria11418
Joined: 12/15/2016
Msg: 45
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 2/12/2017 9:20:46 PM
^^^Wow that's crappy! Sorry to hear. Yeah and after going through this stuff everyone is afraid to get emotionally invested... and dating without emotional investment is just not worth the time. :(
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 46
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 2/13/2017 1:00:05 AM

The 180, going from what seemed and felt like good chemistry and attraction building, attachment beginning, great sex and affection, to ghosting.

Well, depends on how long it goes for. If you hit it off, that shouldn't be a more "wrong" for dropping the person. But the other person may take it as more a "wrong" because they're using their heart as a measuring stick (which is inaccurate). That's why they say not to rush into things... it's not so much you'll "sleep with too many people", because honestly, it's not So often that happens anyway -- but it's because your heart will get hurt if you're on the short end of the stick (or in general, ruin the Actual potential if it didn't roll super quickly, which isn't ideal for some people despite instinctually rolling that way).

But yeah, I agree if/when you Established yourself that way, not after a handful of dates, but for a good while -- it's then a WTF when a 180 comes.

It is very heart wrenching when someone who you thought was genuine turns out to be a con artist.

Well, to be fair -- even when one's legitimately Hurt by an illegitimate ghosting (which can happen at any time) -- it doesn't mean the person was anything close to a con artist and they never had any feelings. It can make us feel better to believe they were -- giving a sense of resolution via an answer to it all -- but it's not necessarily true.

I dated a girl for 6 months, then she started telling me she was dating other guys because of developing feelings for me etc.

If you were Dating for 6 months -- not just kinda-seeing-each-other -- you were BF/GF. So that doesn't make sense, especially when she also says...

I asked her about it all and she said she gets feelings for guys really early, but doesn't want a committed relationship because of not being over her ex

... which doesn't make sense as it's conflicting. First, 6 months is Not early to develop real feelings. That's Late. Second, when you're not over your ex and you're developing feelings for someone, you want to and instinctually Welcome that.

We were only supposed to be friends with the extras, but feelings got in the way and she didn't date someone else to balance it out.

So After you guys dated for 6 months, you became 'friends' -- or, as you state here, FWB. If 1-on-1, basically it's Open Dating. I thought she dated someone else because she developed feelings for you earlier. I'm not following the story here. :)

She has 6 months before she leaves to live in another country and wants to date and have fun before she goes, so why not

Okay, so no now her reasoning is that after dating you for 6 months, she has another 6 months until she leaves the country -- and doesn't want it to get too settled in. That I understand. But feelings for her ex wouldn't apply. Sounds more like she was trying to find a reason on that one -- but this one sounds more understandable. To an extent. You say she Didn't date anyone else to balance it out -- which I'm assuming she was dating around, but when settled as "friends" (wink wink), it basically went back to what you were, just setting the tone of no expectations and keeping a bit of distance (ie light dating aka FWB). I can understand that. Keep it on the light dating level... no life meshing, etc.

But it requires something rare like that -- otherwise, they're just not that into you.

She said when it's over she just deletes them on facebook or stops seeing them. Pretty cold thing to do, but each to their own I guess.

Yeah, but that's not ghosting. That's actually recommended, post break-up. :) If it's out of the blue for no reason and no explanation except "It's over" -- OK -- that is wack. Basically, *IF* things were just fine & dandy, kissing the other walking in the door, etc -- in the ballpark range of peas & carrots -- then Bolting suddenly, yeah, that's a huge WTF. Most people though will Erroneously see it That way when it Wasn't -- because their heart will hurt just the same (but doesn't make it As bad, objectively). But it does actually happen once in a great while.

I've dated girls before just for a few months just to test the water and see how it goes, and sometimes it's easier to just "ghost" them because you know 100% the needy crazy mess afterwards is too much agro.

Not necessarily. I think it's Rare to run into that -- but we'd like to convince ourselves of that more often than not. :) I think more of it is to avoid guilt because we were putting on a show that we were still into them for a while when we weren't so much.

If you never had the "exclusive" conversation, then you can't really blame the other person for dating other people at the same time, or chipping off with someone else.

True -- to an extent. You don't need an "Exclusive" conversation necessarily, so don't ride purely on that in every situation. You are what you do -- so if you're like peas & carrots right off the bat, how you roll speaks for itself. I mean, I don't need a conversation to say that I can't kiss our waitress when we're out on even a 1st date, right? Even if the date isn't generating much chemistry. No need for talks on everything. Not to say that you can't be in a gray-zone -- one definitely can -- and that's where usually it's just a swift "to be on the same page" thing comes up.

Kind of sucks to be blindsided by it, but not everyone sees it as a scummy thing to do.

Depends on the situation, though. Some people don't see it as a scummy thing to do when it's in their own best interest. Rule of thumb is: Don't allow things to hit a honeymoon phase if you're not That into them, even if you'd enjoy said honeymoon phase for the attention, being wanted, solace, etc. Then the "I'm looking after myself" is just at the expense of others. That said, even though that happens a bit too much, what also happens too much is people Thinking it was like that when it wasn't -- because they use their level of emotional pain as a(n inaccurate) measuring stick on what Actually happened.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 47
...and cowards, please stay to the right to find the exit
Posted: 2/13/2017 11:51:08 AM
"BF only farts in his sleep, whew, I'm good!"

>>>Wait....I thought you posted before he snores?

what end of the bed are you sleeping in, anyway?
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 48
...and cowards, please stay to the right to find the exit
Posted: 2/13/2017 3:32:58 PM
LMAO, GTO, One can hear one snore. One can smell a fart, from ones pillow.........at the head of the bed.
 shonesy
Joined: 2/7/2017
Msg: 49
Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 2/14/2017 2:49:53 AM
30 years ago I went fishing too. I was 20
Everthing all fell into place because I could go here and there and not settle down.
When I did the same now, 16 year relationship ends at 43 and you have no job, no house and kids.
It is pretty well the same as that.
So dating is very difficult, to contemplate.
Trust is with the responsibilities of children and your own future.
Because it gets harder as you get older, unless you take responsibility for yourself.
You have to find yourself and priorities.
If you can find someone that is in the same boat, you can only try.
Because you can only count on yourself, at the end of the day.
You can only hope theres gotta be some good old fashioned values in someone out there?
And shows they care
Feelings are worth sharing.
 RR Man
Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 50
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Why did he ghost me? Cowards way out?
Posted: 2/17/2017 10:35:38 PM
'My first ghosting experience happened long before the term came into use"
==================================================================
Oh, so it happens so much that they gave it a name?

OP, I'm sorry that happened to you. But it happens to guys too. It happened to me at least twice. Both cases, several dates and
everything seemed to be going great. Then....radio silence. In the last case (2014), I never saw anything on the woman's Facebook page about another relationship.

Only cowards hide behind voice mail. Sometimes I wish the damned thing had never been invented.

People, I don't know about you, but for me junior high school ended 55 years ago. At my age (69), I've no time for little-girl games. If you've met someone else, just tell me, OK? I'm a big boy
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