Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > When do men decide its a "relationship"      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 26
When do men decide its a relationshipPage 2 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
Some guys want relationships, others are cheaters.

He's the cheating type.
 humbleme71
Joined: 3/18/2017
Msg: 27
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/26/2017 12:19:21 PM
Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

I have been through 2 serious relationships that ended with infidelity in the past, thus I am sure where my need for reassurance comes from. Maybe I am to naive and believe everything that is said. Our relationship expectations were discussed prior to spending weekends together, if I felt that I was just a booty call I would have never put myself in that position. Dating is brutal in this day and age and I don't play the candy shop game well. I need to take a step back and allow him to pursue rather than me being the pursuer.
 Laidbackguy1964
Joined: 4/20/2017
Msg: 28
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/26/2017 12:53:53 PM
humbleme71, Op that's very sad and I had a feeling you might say that. Yes I think you are investing far to much of yourself in one guy and to be honest the way you look you could get another guy to date easily if you wanted too. next time make a guy wait for sex and get to know him better, before you jump in the sack...The best things in life are worth waiting for and if a guy knows your worth it he will wait for sex....slow down...enjoy spending time getting to know a guy and find out what type of relationship he wants
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 29
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/26/2017 3:06:39 PM

I have been through 2 serious relationships that ended with infidelity in the past...


Did you latch onto those guys as quickly as the current guy? They probably felt smothered if you wanted to take it at supersonic speed from the get-go. The same thing might happen with the current guy if you don't slow down.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 30
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/26/2017 3:57:50 PM
"allow him to pursue me, rather than me being the pursuer of him"

>>>What's the classic phrase, ladies? Don't make a priority, someone who doesn't make you one? Something like that. Anyway, if you're making the initial moves, then there is nothing broken in the relationship that he needs to rush to fix. its working well for him, he waits for you to call, or he calls and you are Johnny on the Spot.

sometimes, holding back isn't the best clue of fidelity, either. my best friend pursued a fellow who told her he wasn't looking to make a relationship, and she got sick of it--and him. now that the access is cut off, he pursues her like a junkie after his last dealer. but, she realizes he's only after one thing, even when he brings around cheap floral bouquets and her favor fast food (ohh, he spent $2.95, what an investment). a fellow who is interested, can tell you easily what it is about you that doesn't exist in other women.

but yes, sometimes we don't miss what won't go away.
 NoxzemaWA
Joined: 2/19/2017
Msg: 31
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/26/2017 4:20:29 PM
"When do MEN decide.....?"

How should we know? Every man is different but this particular one you are swooning over does not see you in that light. He told you you weren't in a relationship and I'd best believe him. Sex does not a relationship make. Too many women make that mistake.


"allow him to pursue me, rather than me being the pursuer of him"


You may be waiting a long time. In my experience, once a guy puts you in the FB zone, it's damn near impossible to get promoted to girlfriend or wife.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 10/31/2015
Msg: 32
view profile
History
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/26/2017 4:58:43 PM
Slapping polarizing labels on human behavior discredits ALL our ability to have higher functions.

It's not about when 'Men' decide it's a relationship - that's a polarizing category. It's about when you BOTH - as a couple - are OK with each other and want to keep it going. Or not. I agree with some of the other posters in saying the OP is putting too much real-life credit into what happens in the virtual world - via Facetime or the 'Online Now' indicator.

In the age before the internet, dates would get done, and we'd part our separate ways - until the next date. We might have been concerned about what the other person did with their time apart, but for the most part, we just judged the quality of the relationship by quality of our communication and the time we spent together. Whatever habits or hobbies we may have had as singles were still there. Could have been reading a book, watching TV, or masturbating to porn. As time together grew more frequent, as life experiences grew into shared goals, some of those single life tendencies would eventually fade away.

The internet age has changed a lot - mainly because we've abandoned privacy for convenience. Everything we do through smart phones, websites, anything in the virtual world - leaves a trail, a receipt, an 'online now' indicator. Now, our 'smart' devices are even working on their own - auto-updating software, leaving automated replies, bumping selected contacts to voicemail - all that kind of crap. What hasn't changed - is our own human behaviors and impulses are still there. We are still normal people. How can we be a human being if we can't even pull off the highway for 30 seconds to get some junk food without someone knowing? How much knowledge is too much?

People can surf the virtual world at nearly every moment of the waking day - but that's not 'dating' - it's also not 'cheating' - and the main thing is - it's not being with the other person - IN person. The time you spend TOGETHER is what counts. Trying to monitor whatever else happens is really a sign of insecurity. If the guy is still communicating openly - if you're having fun with each other when you are together - why question anything else? Enjoy it.

If your time together leaves you with questions, then by all means, address it - but if you're spending extra time snooping behind their back, then consider how anyone - not just your boyfriend - but anyone - who witnesses your behavior should react. It's not going to build trust, I tell you that.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 33
view profile
History
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/26/2017 5:11:10 PM
obviously you are being intimate and it has all been very fast which in my experience often ends fast.
You need to take it easy or he will disappear if you pressure him. Lust is not love as I am sure you know.
I would not consider it a serious relationship until at least 6 months down the track. He may well be seeing other people so I hope you are using protection.
 PennyAnte
Joined: 4/17/2016
Msg: 34
view profile
History
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/26/2017 5:50:21 PM
You let him set the stage. You're not in a relationship. You left him with the ball in his court. It seems like he is getting everything he wants from you without having to label you his girlfriend.
I don't know why you are so concerned about him having a POF profile. If he wants to meet other woman he can do so anywhere. Probably elsewhere with more luck than this arena. He perhaps was not joking. He wants to keep his options open and date others. He said he wasn't in a relationship with you so that translates to "I'm still single".
You should read your profile again. It appears that in three weeks you have thrown all of what you truly desire out the window for this guy who works nights, hasn't taken you out on real dates, and likes to face time you a lot. Apparently likes to have you over on the weekends for sleep overs but doesn't want to call you his significant other.
I would say. Yes, you are a booty call but not because of him, because you settled for far less than what your ad was suggesting you were looking for. You are not in Limbo, he told you exactly where you are it just wasn't what you wanted to hear. You can't make him "move past this stage". You will just waste a lot of your precious time. He has already told you he doesn't want a "realtionship" with you... but I bet he likes the sex and the home cooked meals.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 35
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/26/2017 7:46:49 PM
Hey neighbor!

Generally speaking, relationships are, "confirmed", around the 3 month mark. LOL, No I didn't make the rule. A little research will give you insight from where I came up with this idea.

My experience has been, if something seemed tooo good to be true, too fast, too much, too often........................A fire started with gasoline flares hot and big..............then suddenly it dies down.

Slow down, back off, .......................go to lunch with a GF at Clementines, and do a little window shopping, downtown. Go for a ride. Enjoy the trees in bloom! ......................In other words, do something to distract, yourself! Spring has sprung!
If this man, is ready to be with you, .............or not......................you will know.

Good luck!
 aintnodeal
Joined: 4/10/2016
Msg: 36
view profile
History
Too Much Contrived Drama
Posted: 4/27/2017 1:07:23 AM
A relationship is confirmed when YOU decide to call it such. So YOU are in relationship. HE isn't.

Now you need to figure out what you want to do next. Do you NEED to be in a relationship? Why isn't dating or FB good enough? Do you NEED to update your FB status or drag him to Mom's to get back in the will? Do you NEED to have a weekend story in order to sit with people for lunch or go visit friends without being chastized for being "...alone..." ??? What is YOUR situation here? Do you need a guy to watch the kids for bowling night?

Now...since HE IS NOT in a relationship, his conversation with women will possibly be flirtatious and inviting. But he calls YOU every day. I guess that means NOTHING because he's not in a relationship. IF he says YES - hide the profiles, we're going steady, are you going to hound him every night to say "I love you"? Are you next going to nag him to buy a ring or to move in? Are you already asking him where he goes EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK while you're at work? Are you trying to get married before summer starts?

I'll say this - if you two are not on the same path and do not have the same goal - he will leave, and that WILL HAPPEN whether you ask him NOW or ask him six weeks from now. So you may as well keep dinner in the pot until you two sit down and work out WHO IS RUNNING THE SHOW and what your goals are.

To me it sounds like you can't wait to go shopping for matching caskets.....sheesh!
 SilverWings2017
Joined: 12/14/2016
Msg: 37
Too Much Contrived Drama
Posted: 4/27/2017 2:50:28 AM
That comment is really uncalled for. You guys really show your misogyny the way you talk about women on this forum.

You are a bully aintnodeal. I bet you're real tough, huh.

Why isn't dating enough?

Because dating sucks and many people want a committed, loving relationship.

OP was seeing someone exclusively and thought there was a relationship between them. She said nothing about getting married before summer.

Or hounding him for an I love you...

Nagging him for a ring...

Shopping for matching caskets...

Man, you got it all backwards. You're nobody to be giving advice about relationships.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 38
view profile
History
Too Much Contrived Drama
Posted: 4/27/2017 4:25:50 AM
I read all the talk back and forth over the last two pages, and one thing especially stands out to me. That is, how lots of people get caught up in whether or not to be CALCULATING in their approach to mate hunting.

Have sex early, and risk being tagged as "easy?" Wait extra long, to avoid that pitfall, and to make it clear you are serious, but risk being seen as either asexual or disinterested? Silver wings is absolutely on the money, that dating sucks, especially to those of us who DO want a real long term relationship. Because dating is mostly artificial behavior that we perform, in an effort to scrape out enough (hopefully accurate) hints about who the other person really is, that we can risk making a firm decision about them one way or another.

I have a suggestion about it all: go ahead and calculate, but don't BE CALCULATING. Best way to screw a relationship up that I know of, is to do something INTIMATE, for entirely NON-INTIMATE REASONS. Have sex (or not) because you want to have sex (or not), not because you've calculated that it will cause the other person to stick around, or think better or worse about you.

After all, if you behave according to your own values at all times, and the other person decides to move on because you did, that means you weren't compatible.

For me, anyway, it isn't so much WHAT the woman decides to do or not do that I key on: it's WHY she decided to do or not do it that has meaning. After all, it's the WHY'S of our lives, that will lead us to decide in the future whatever we do.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 39
Too Much Contrived Drama
Posted: 4/27/2017 5:44:39 AM
one problem with wanting something enough to go looking for it, is that you may find an almost-close solution and decide its worth having. If we can somehow enjoy dating for the sake of dating, not be rushing towards sex or a relationship, then we may enjoy dating. and we may find that one date leads somewhere we want to go, and the others do not. like the old saw goes, love will find us when we aren't looking for it. but as humans, we are goal driven. we'll suffer thru work, in order to get reward. or we might decide to put a round peg into a square hole, just so the work pays off.
 hemingway234
Joined: 6/6/2015
Msg: 40
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/27/2017 7:05:26 AM

Generally speaking, relationships are, "confirmed", around the 3 month mark. LOL, No I didn't make the rule. A little research will give you insight from where I came up with this idea.


- It's actually two months.
 south_city
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 41
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/27/2017 7:25:27 AM
There isn't a set rule or time period. It can vary based on the person and the circumstances. I would often consider becoming exclusive after 3-4 good dates. Although sometimes it can take longer than that.

When people decide to have sex isn't necessarily a general indicator of her morals . There are couples that are married or in long term relationships that had sex on the first or second date. It doesn't necessarily mean a woman is "loose" or a "slut" or a man is a "player".

On the other hand, waiting for several dates before having sex doesn't necessarily mean a woman is a prude or has lukewarm interest. People should have sex and/or an exclusive relationship whenever both people are ready and comfortable with it.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 42
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/27/2017 7:46:29 AM
"- It's actually two months."

It's actually 2 months, 17 days, 8 hours, 23 minutes, and 49 seconds, that marks the make it or break it point.


" It doesn't necessarily mean a woman is "loose" or a "slut" or a man is a "player"."

Another fallacy is when two adults agree to have sex and it doesn't lead to wedding bells immediately after, the woman is somehow a victim. That's as logical as saying the guy is the actual victim.
 greatgal1977
Joined: 3/1/2017
Msg: 43
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/27/2017 12:37:20 PM
Having sex is like like brushing your teeth. Which means that sex is quite common and means nothing nowadays. This is not a 19th century where a guy was obligated to marry a woman after the intimacy. What should you expect after playing house with the guy for two weekends? Nothing. You really should not expect a guy to be ready and willing to have a relationship with you. Rather take it as a bonus if this is what he wants but don't expect it. Besides, one month is way to soon to have a committed relationship. Take it slow, sort of one day (or one date) at a time. If a guy says that he doesn't want a long term and you do, thank him for the great time and move on.


Our relationship expectations were discussed prior to spending weekends together

But the two of you were not in a relationship so what exactly the expectations would be? lol Words, just empty words and useless promices.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 4/3/2017
Msg: 44
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/27/2017 12:44:54 PM
Label it what you want (if you must) but I get what you are
saying.

I don't know too many people that continue to sleep with
others while seeing someone else regularly, unless it's a
FWB. If you're expecting a committed relationship, ie:
other sleeping arrangements are curtailed, tell him that.
If he responds with a no, and you're not happy being a
FWB then move on.

As to the victim card, never put your expectations on someone
else without having expressed them clearly. Don't assume you're
headed in the same direction unless you've had a conversation
about it.

Simply put, if you don't like what's happening in any area of
your life SPEAK UP.
 Wilkes_Barre_Candy
Joined: 9/7/2016
Msg: 45
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/27/2017 1:32:44 PM

Having sex is like like brushing your teeth.

For some yes, for some, no.
 Nestaron
Joined: 3/22/2016
Msg: 46
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/27/2017 2:28:23 PM
There is no one decision fits all each person is different, their stages are different how they view life is different, stop trying to categorize as one boot fits all. If you have been dating for a month or 2 and he states it's not a relationship he is not ready to commit, probably gave no indication he was, and you are expecting him to, asking strangers for a answer to a particular question they cant possible know. We are not him, nor do we know anything about him, or you. You asked him a question you got an answer you clearly dont like, here's a idea dont ask questions, if you cant handle response both good and bad.

You got the idea in your head you were in a relationship probably happened when you went to bed with him. That's your delusional world that's why you have discussions about what your intent and status of your relationship. When I am with a woman I tell her everything from the get go up front so she knows what to expect from me at each point. Discuss exclusivity for potential relationship everything from first date to first kiss to sex it's all discussed she knows what to expect and when. Not exact dates but approximately when I might be ready if she wants kissing and sex before she has to act, and she knows my time frame regardless of her actions dont change. I make my decisions around the time frame I give so I have time to evaluate all factors and if I want too exactly proceed to the next stage of relationship.

Sex before 3 months dont change the fact I will feel I am in a relationship of 3 months of exclusivity before I start discussing long-term plans with her. He could be the exact same way has a set time where he wont fully commit to relationship and long-term before a time frame. I dont know him I cant give insights on his actions, his points of view and when he views a relationship without knowing him.

My suggestion is for you to talk to him find out when he feels to he is ready to be in a relationship, or ready to discuss your future together. If he plays the game instead of answering it saying he just likes things the way they are, he is avoiding discussion of it and tells me he wont ever discuss it.
 forumslady
Joined: 12/7/2016
Msg: 47
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/27/2017 2:30:32 PM
humbleme71- I confess, I looked at your profile to see how old you are. I thought you would be young. You are 45! (Looking good, for 45, I must say)
Why did I want to know your age? It matters in my advice.
I would think once someone is in their 40's, they are at the point where games are over and they rely on open and honest communication.
That's where you went wrong.
You jumped in head first, assumed an awful lot and now you are asking questions too late.
Face time helps in getting to know someone, up to a point, but nothing replaces time face to face in person.
If you wanted to be more than a booty call, spending weekends with him right away wasn't the way to go.
Very few men exist that would say no to that.
Nothing can be done about what has already happened.
Here's where you have to not ask us and talk to HIM.
Since you have been intimate, there's no reason to hold back in being honest with him.
I wouldn't do this over the phone, nor on face time.
Set a date to talk face to face, in person.
Don't do it at a restaurant, or any where he might not feel free to tell you the truth. Maybe do it and his place, or yours, since you have already stayed over night.
Admit to him that you feel like things are moving too quickly, also admit to him that you want more than NSA.
Be prepared for him to double down on not wanting a commitment.
That is likely how it will go, he never led you on.
If so, then you have a decision to make.
Can you do NSA/casual?
If not, break it off, move on and find someone who wants long term, like you do.
If so, keep seeing him.
If you decide to break it off, learn from this and SLOW down! Talk to the person you are interested in. It doesn't have to happen the first date, but it would be wise for it to happen before you sleep with them.
Best of luck to you moving forward.
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 48
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/27/2017 2:37:33 PM

It's actually two months.

LOL , Thanks hemingway.
I have now been re-edumacated.

http://www.thefrequentdater.com/how-many-dates-before-relationship-talk/
 FullMoonGuy
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 49
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/27/2017 2:43:51 PM

It's actually 2 months, 17 days, 8 hours, 23 minutes, and 49 seconds, that marks the make it or break it point.


Those last 49 seconds are a nailbiter.


Having sex is like like brushing your teeth.


Really?

Then how come my toothbrush doesn't come attached to a naked woman?
 flman2015
Joined: 10/3/2015
Msg: 50
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 4/27/2017 3:59:04 PM
@
Having sex is like like brushing your teeth.
sounds like you read the report that stated that vaginal fluids cause cavities.


@
Then how come my toothbrush doesn't come attached to a naked woman?
Because you're not buying them in the right store ;-)
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > When do men decide its a "relationship"