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 AUTHOR
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 76
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UpdatePage 4 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
This one has decided it's NOT a relationship. He actually told you that. Of course that doesn't mean he's going to say no to sex without commitment when you're offering it after he's been honest with you.

But it does mean that he now feels free to not treat you like a girlfriend, i.e. the decreased contact starting Monday.

Just like the other poster said up there, the slow fade.

It's up to you whether you're ok with this.

I predict that he'll continue to be available for sex, depending on whether you're going to created drama or not. If you'll happily go over every weekend (or every other or third weekend to make room for the other women he wants to "date") and don't make demands in between, you'll probably still see him, but that's all he'll be available for - because he's so busy with work and the new house (eye roll).
 halcyon_skies
Joined: 7/27/2015
Msg: 77
Update
Posted: 5/3/2017 10:27:17 AM

Of course my mind is running crazy, I am a women and became attached after 4 weeks. I realize that "Having a hard time balancing everything" could very well be my demise to being dumped. I do not intend on messaging or calling him today, this is in his hands. I of course think highly of him and that we could be a great match, but I am not one to beg and plead.


This is where you need to follow through with your earlier resolve to step back and allow him to pursue you. Do not initiate contact with him at all, or tell him the two of you need to "have a talk". You don't want him to feel any more pressured than he already does.

He may ghost on you anyway, but the chance that he will start to miss you and reach out to you again is far greater if you back off. In the meantime, immerse yourself in other projects, start seeing other men, and stop letting your life revolve around him.
 dpwesu
Joined: 3/25/2013
Msg: 78
Update
Posted: 5/3/2017 10:33:56 AM

....... but the chance that he will start to miss you and reach out to you again is far greater if you back off......


Sure.......he will call.......just in time when all of his prospects and options have run dry and he wants a booty call..........

I've seen this happen many times out here.....and yes....experienced it.


...... stop letting your life revolve around him


Amen to that halcyon.........Never, EVER make someone a priority who only views you as an option..........
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 79
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Update
Posted: 5/3/2017 2:40:35 PM

I couldn't bail on the him, I needed to see it through, who was I to assume his intentions. We had a fantastic weekend, even meeting his family was discussed.

Okay, freeze-frame, going into this. It's not that you should have bailed... but should have assessed things and know what to say (if not on the fly when you brought up taking profiles down). The key is to know the difference between being BF/GF + meet-the-parents and all that jazz -- and just merely taking a profile down and not hanging out on T!nder once things get Very Obviously start rolling. Him knowing that difference and what you meant, would bring you on the same page.

Now, this past 3rd weekend (hitting over the 1 month hump of hitting it off strongly) went well, and you had discussions on meeting his family. Did HE bring that up or did you? Why look into meeting the family when one person makes an (unrefuted) argument a week prior that they don't take down their profile unless they're in some Official "Relationship"? So a pre-planned shindig to meet-the-parents is OK? THAT is for becoming BF/GF once an adult and out of the house.

I did not sense or question his intentions, I was not his booty call like some suggested.

No, you obviously weren't a booty call -- NO. Obviously not. You don't look to have face time with a booty call every day and have a 'booty call' spend 2 full weekends at your place when dating for 4 weeks, and at least spending a better part of the 3rd weekend in the 5th week of seeing each other. Far from a booty call. Now, "booty" may have been his motivating factor -- and also a reason he wanted to keep his (online) options open... but no, that doesn't mean you're a mere booty call. A booty call is someone you don't go out on dates with or spend the day with -- it's someone you call at 2AM to cum over, and ideally have them leave at 4AM. :)

The message I received last night was " Having a hard time balancing everything". He is a new homeowner, works nights (worked 15 hrs Monday night) etc.

Okay, basically, it has nothing to do with being a new "homeowner" or working nights. Otherwise he wouldn't have aimed to see you far more than others for many weeks in a row prior to this.

It's because of the thing you Understandably brought up a little over a week ago -- taking online profiles down. I think he realizes that it's fish or cut bait... especially if it's to meet the parents. If you suggested/aimed to meet-the-parents, then this hasn't been just about taking profiles down (although that's a by-product) -- it's about being a Couple. Yeah, being a Couple where you do stuff like Meet the Parents -- too soon for many. Can kill the mood of the honeymoon phase when you know things are flying 'too fast', but just wanting to enjoy it.

Basically, things came down to earth for him -- I can't just enjoy this gal, play house with her, but still be single. That could last a couple weeks if hitting it off with a bang, but face time every day and spending weekends together? When I don't want to take my profile down after a month of this, and then talk about meet my parents? Whoah. I need a time out.

In the end, a reason why you don't move "too fast" with bf possibilities. Not in the bedroom -- but in terms of getting too serious too fast. Which is why one shouldn't spend Too much time together Too often consistently. You see things like this unfold.

Next time in a situation Like this, roll the same way, but bring up the profile thing like "Hey I talked to a friend of mine, and they asked me if I took my profile down. Haven't looked at it, but, we've been seeing each other for about a month like crazy -- I agreed that we just set it as Not Single / Not Looking, cool? Not looking to meet the parents or be some official BF/GF, brah - lol."

If he gets scared just by that, he has issues, if he's inviting you over for whole weekends and wanting to check ya out every day.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 80
Update
Posted: 5/4/2017 5:24:42 AM
"I am a woman and became attached after 4 weeks"

>>>any ladies want to comment on this assumption/conclusion?
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 81
Update
Posted: 5/4/2017 5:46:24 AM
If a mature person becomes attached after a couple of weekends then there are bigger issues.
Just don't understand why some people cannot get that some sex doesn't mean a LTR.
Attached to what?????
 humbleme71
Joined: 3/18/2017
Msg: 82
Update
Posted: 5/4/2017 5:56:39 AM

Basically, things came down to earth for him -- I can't just enjoy this gal, play house with her, but still be single. That could last a couple weeks if hitting it off with a bang, but face time every day and spending weekends together? When I don't want to take my profile down after a month of this, and then talk about meet my parents? Whoah. I need a time out.


I think you are right, however I wasn't the one to suggest meeting his mom, he did. I just don't know how to respond to his time out. He still wants to see me , yet isn't committing to anything other than texting (which he hates). Right now I am done--to much emotional investment. Thank you for your insite.
 dragonbytes
Joined: 9/15/2015
Msg: 83
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When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 5/4/2017 6:54:16 AM
Having a relationship seems to be equated by many with being a common law spouse. I never knew people thought that way till reading the forums.

When I was dating I never really thought about when to call it a relationship. I never used POF to date. I don't recall anyone asking me to be exclusive, I certainly never told anyone they had to date me exclusively. It just sort of naturally evolved that way, how could I date someone else if I spent my weekends with the person I was dating? Once we stated dating, I just didn't have a lot of free time left to date other women, so I naturally became exclusive.

If someone asked, I would call any women where I had regular dates a relationship, but I wouldn't automatically think that meant we were going steady or ready for common law marriage.

I took down my dating profile 6 months after getting married. I only deleted the profile because I couldn't hide it and every time I got on that dating site I would get 1 -2 MSG during the week from women despite the fact that I said was I was married on the profile. I didn't want to just ignore them and I didn't like the hassle of MSGing them as to me being unavailable. If I had the option of hiding I would have taken that. I kept the profile out of curiosity, having an online dating profile was a new experience and it didn't last very long. The two dating sites I used were both paid sides, I certainly didn't pay to keep the profile, but the one site kept it an unpaid profile, the other side deleted the profile as soon as I didn't renew my payment. It was sort of a way to check out women similar to looking at women passing by an outside dinner table. I still at times check out profiles on POF just to see "what are they about"? There are a few very strange profiles.

If POF required I pay for this profile, I would delete it. This profile on POF is hidden, but if I got random MSGs from women wanting a meet, I would delete it. Neither of those things happen.


Last night when on the phone I was joking around with him about taking our profiles down. I know he has been online. He jokingly said that we aren't in a relationship.


I think it was poor form of him to "joke" that he wasn't in a relationship once you "joked" about taking down his profile. Are these really "jokes"??? Maybe you should reconsider what you think are "jokes"? A lot depends on how you phrased the "joke".

I think the first month of dating is early to call it "going steady" which is the closest thing I can think of to what people are meaning by calling it a relationship. Maybe the guy is just a little nevrious about moving quickly into getting very serious about the future.

Sooner or later people do need to define what are their ultimate goal is in dating, either going steady, casual FWB/serial dating or getting married/moving in together seem to be the only real choices.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 84
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Update
Posted: 5/4/2017 1:11:34 PM

I think you are right, however I wasn't the one to suggest meeting his mom, he did.

And that is Key. Well, key in one way that you didn't, but key if he did More than say it in passing like "Yeah, you'd like my mom... you should meet her sometime," rather than "Next weekend you should meet my mother. We could [outline of potential situation]..." Big Difference between the two. If it's the 1st, then don't put any weight on it.

If it's the latter, it only More emphasizes that this guy has Conflicting Feelings: He wants to you stay weekends over at his house, emphasizes seeing you in face time every day and not just texting -- and yet, "Whoah! Taking a profile down even temporarily is for 'Relationships'!" Yikes. It's like this concept of seeing a girl is brand new to him and he's like a 14 year old trapped in an adult body. As an adult, ya have to realize the conflict... that you don't go thru the motions, the Very Obvious motions, of settling down with a gal to get that feeling of being grounded and "found someone" + want to date around.

I think a light bulb came on. The foreshadowing of this was him about the profile to take down. He missed the ball on the basic concept of how No, that does not mean you're officialized BF/GF to do so, so it's not weird for a gal who's camping out at your place and you deal with every day to motion toward that. And you missed the ball by not correcting and comforting him on that, to help prevent social pressure of feeling so rushed. This rushing part Is his fault, from what you say. He brought it on himself.

If I were you, I'd write him an email (texting too small), but it doesn't have to be super long either. You can also take control of the wheel -- which is key -- by telling him that ya need to talk to him, otherwise, you both won't speak ever again. Ya need to (wo)man up in that dept. :) The only reason he has this conflict of date-others/get-serious-quick-with-one, is because his comfort zone is Control. Yank that away, and he'll at least Temporarily give in -- enough for you to sit him down and lay out the basics on it. Not to Shame him, but to make him Understand that he brought all this speed-racer stuff on, which was fine by you, and that no, merely taking down a profile is the furthest thing from a promise ring, and just a Not Single / Not Looking is fine enough when you're seeing someone, etc... and no, best not to speed things up by meet-the-parents... and to tell him to take a chill pill, relax, be comfortable -- and that he's worrying yourself out, etc. :)
 humbleme71
Joined: 3/18/2017
Msg: 85
Update
Posted: 5/4/2017 3:45:57 PM
Again you make valid points, lots of thought. Thank you!!
 Ladyinred0407
Joined: 2/6/2016
Msg: 86
Update
Posted: 5/4/2017 5:07:05 PM
I still think lunch at Clementine's with a GF, followed by window shoppin' downtown is a damn good idea!
Pop into Kilwins. ANYTHING in Kilwin's will cure whatever ails ya!

Is food the solution? LOL Let me put it this way. It sure as hell can't hurt!

"As a woman", spending time with a trusted female friend, going to lunch, shopping, etc, indulging in something sweet, just because you can, reinforces the bonds that last for a long time. It helps to reminds us, of who we are and whether or not a man wants us,........... becomes unimportant.
Most men are not drawn to a woman who becomes singularly focused, appearing needy to be IN a relationship. They are drawn to a woman who has her own life, she is happy with her own life, friends and family, and simply wants to add more happiness to her life, building a relationship with a man.

Go to lunch, go shoppin', have fun!
 jennie8691
Joined: 2/13/2017
Msg: 87
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 5/5/2017 8:55:03 AM
I have few questions
1. How to start a thread
2. is it ok to date more than one in the same time? Let say I don't know them very well to start with so I don't know who really 'in' to me so I am kind of waiting to see who will make a serious proposal sort of and if he is I am dropping the others that are just messing around with no real purpose or not really in to me.
3. If the guy invites you to stay over is he serious enough or it's just a guy thing he does it with every one sort of?
Sorry, I don't know how to start but I see you are active and give good advice here so I ask you.
thanks
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 88
Update
Posted: 5/5/2017 8:59:57 AM

Again you make valid points, lots of thought. Thank you!!



Don't mention it, the pleasure was all mine
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 89
Update
Posted: 5/5/2017 9:03:13 AM

Most men are not drawn to a woman who becomes singularly focused, appearing needy to be IN a relationship. They are drawn to a woman who has her own life, she is happy with her own life, friends and family, and simply wants to add more happiness to her life, building a relationship with a man.


Totally agree, but it's hard for some women to shake the fairy tale fantasy that a knight in shining armor is suppose to show up at her front door, and whisk her away into a fantasy world where nothing ever goes wrong and life is perfect. That's why I avoid profiles that say "Looking for someone to marry", or profiles that say "Looking for a serious relationship", and the profile indicates the same desperate husband hunting message, where the dating part first and getting to know someone is just a nuisance, and gets in the way of the end game.
 SilverWings2017
Joined: 12/14/2016
Msg: 90
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 5/5/2017 9:52:07 AM
jennie8691

Pick a forum your question pertains to, Dating Experiences would be a good choice. Click on New Thread on the top left of the screen. Type your questions in the box and click Post at the bottom.

humbleme71

I agree with dpwesu. He is doing a slow fade. Some people just don't like confrontation. Meeting the parents could've been said out of polite conversation, but it's just an idea, or a suggestion. It doesn't mean anything.

Being a new homeowner and working a lot of hours are just excuses to avoid seeing you.

My feeling is he has a new girl.

I know it hurts getting your hopes up on a guy. You should date other people and get this one out of your system.
 IgottaName
Joined: 3/29/2014
Msg: 91
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 5/6/2017 11:35:31 AM
Exactly 20min 23 seconds into the start of the 3rd Tuesday date. It can be found on page 42 of The official man's rule book. The loop hole is to never go on a date on a Tuesday.
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 92
When do men decide its a relationship
Posted: 5/6/2017 1:05:23 PM
But that is Tightwad Tues at the movies. Time to change that rule to Weds
 Seki1949
Joined: 9/4/2013
Msg: 93
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History
Update
Posted: 5/6/2017 6:29:06 PM

New home owner.... Working nights... Seems plausible


Clooney? Clooney, is that you?
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 94
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History
Update
Posted: 5/7/2017 3:43:13 PM
Move on and find a relationship that you are happy with.
Whatever it is you have with him is not what you hope it is.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 95
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History
Update
Posted: 5/7/2017 8:04:47 PM
humbleme

You can ask advice here of course but we are strangers who do not know either of you. You became attached very fast
and I know it happens. Either out of loneliness or some sense of thinking the guy is really what you are looking for. But I remind y ou that a couple of months is really no time at all to get to really know someone. I wonder if the family meeting had anything to do with his behaviour? He may well be very busy and men can compartmentalise their lives and one has nothing to do with the other. I would not be doing any of the chasing at this point. It has to be 50/50. No more meals and being too accommodating. Let him make the moves.
 humbleme71
Joined: 3/18/2017
Msg: 96
Update
Posted: 5/8/2017 8:15:58 AM
So this is how my story ends....final text unedited

"Hey,i want you to know that I am sorry ,I have came to realize that I can not give you what you deserve in a relationship,we moved way to fast ,and I apologize for that also,you are a good person and and you deserve better,I can not find any balance and I am trying to re focus my life,I did not want to hurt you and I did ,I am just not ready for a relationship,I am sorry.i can not bring myself to tell you over the phone or face to face,you need to move on ,I am not the guy you think I am or deserve. I do not want to be in a relationship,that I can not maintain,it is not fair to you ,I am not going to lead you on,it would only make it worse.

I did and still do like you,I just do not want to be in a relationship .You should move on,honestly I do not want to be in a relationship "


So I move on.
 halcyon_skies
Joined: 7/27/2015
Msg: 97
Update
Posted: 5/8/2017 8:25:16 AM
Oh well, OP. You wouldn't want to be with a guy who can't figure out how to use the spacebar, anyway.

Good riddance.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 4/3/2017
Msg: 98
Update
Posted: 5/8/2017 8:38:50 AM
People always make time for someone that want to be with.
Neither houses or jobs or bad weather can keep them away.

It's possible to meet someone and think 'THEY'RE THE ONE"
and then realize it's not what you wanted after all. I've done
that with donuts...I got distracted by the sprinkles or the
chocolate frosting.

Life is like that sometimes.
 Butterchickenchuck
Joined: 9/18/2015
Msg: 99
Update
Posted: 5/8/2017 8:45:24 AM
^^^^^


I agree with Boo - nice new pic, btw !

Beware of the donut people !
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 100
Update...no date
Posted: 5/8/2017 9:53:51 AM
well...at least he didn't ghost. (Aren't our standards so low these days?)

Pity it didn't work, but it sounded doomed from the start if he doesn't have his life in order. Thanks for letting us know how it went.

(I thought donut people were the ones saying they donut have the time)
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